Mister V Posted November 7, 2007 Share Posted November 7, 2007 OK...I need some input on what y'all consider appropriate or inappropriate. Lets say that you are a professional in a small business (10-15 people). You and your colleague (both happily married with children) are of the opposite sex and both of you have been elevated to a level one step above the other professionals in the office. The business is owned by an individual who has placed you in your elevated status. The office is wide open...and there are no doors or cubicles. In other words, everyone can see everyone as they go through their daily routine. Now lets say that instant messaging is a vital tool to this office because it allows files to be transferred instantaneously from peer to peer and if a person that you need to speak with is on the phone you can IM them and get a response without disrupting the phone call. In addition to providing a professional service to clients you have also been told to note and try to diffuse any human resource issues that may be disruptive to the office (i.e., arguments between co-workers, personality conflicts of particular employees, showing up on time, etc...) My question involves whether or not a particular use of instant messaging has taken a turn in the direction of a possible emotional affair. For instance... - An employee is disrupting the office by openly discussing a lewd topic; one of you says "what's up with that?" and the other says "he/she is such an idiot" and then the conversation eventually turns to wishing that he/she would do something to justify this persons firing; as the IMing continues it seems that there is too much to talk about so y'all decide to discuss the issue face to face....so both of you decide to take a walk to a corner store and discuss it further; however, in order to prevent all other employees from knowing that both of you are talking about something, one of you goes out the front door and waits while the other goes out the back door and meets the other one in front and then they walk to the store. Now sneaking out to go to the store doesn't happen everyday but eventually, instead of just going to the corner store, one of you asks the other if they would like to go have lunch to discuss work issues. Is this innocent workplace dialogue or are these two crossing a line that may lead to the sharing of more personal information between each other? NOTE: In addition to this both of you frequently have to travel to other cities to check on your client projects and it is not uncommon for both of you to travel together in the same car (2 hours there and 2 hours back). Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted November 7, 2007 Share Posted November 7, 2007 I thought you had this all worked out. Apparently not.... Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted November 7, 2007 Share Posted November 7, 2007 This is exactly how my A started with my MM from work... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mister V Posted November 7, 2007 Author Share Posted November 7, 2007 reboot - yes it is worked out...she agrees that she said some things that hurt me and will change and even turned on the conversational history recorder.... My question is whether or not they were practicing HR...in the minds of this board.... Bottom line - I want to know if I overreacted Link to post Share on other sites
Heavenly55 Posted November 7, 2007 Share Posted November 7, 2007 english please.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mister V Posted November 7, 2007 Author Share Posted November 7, 2007 Let me rephrase it - the issue has been resolved but for some reason I feel a need to continually relive the event...I am hoping that it is my own form of therapy - In essence I want to know if I stumbled onto something (e-affair) in its beginning stages or if I am just a jerk husband that gets thrills out of spying on his wife.... whewwww, there...now I feel better Link to post Share on other sites
Cobra_X30 Posted November 7, 2007 Share Posted November 7, 2007 Let me rephrase it - the issue has been resolved but for some reason I feel a need to continually relive the event...I am hoping that it is my own form of therapy - In essence I want to know if I stumbled onto something (e-affair) in its beginning stages or if I am just a jerk husband that gets thrills out of spying on his wife.... whewwww, there...now I feel better V, The activity is suspicous, but the story fits. Your obviously a cynical person, just like me. So the point is this... yes your spying and lack of trust is bad, however, they were acting creepy and inappropriate! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mister V Posted November 7, 2007 Author Share Posted November 7, 2007 Lizzie60 - can you elaborate Heavenly55 - see http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t135053/ Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted November 7, 2007 Share Posted November 7, 2007 Well, first off, the fact that one of the two people is your wife and you're not the other person is a pretty huge detail to leave out of the OP and renders it almost pointless. That being said, after reading the first post, I was going to say you sound like you should mind your own business. Personal relationships are naturally going to develop at work and people talk about things other than work matters. To try to stamp that out entirely and treat people like robots will eventually lead to resentment from employees. But, since it turns out one of the two people is your wife, then yeah, I'd say she's crossing the line with her interaction with this other guy. You might want to re-evaluate if she's "happily married". Link to post Share on other sites
curiousnycgirl Posted November 7, 2007 Share Posted November 7, 2007 I don't know your history so I don't know how you resolved this (or didn't) - but I can assure you there most certainly could be legitimate work related reasons for what you describe. yes instant messenger is a very useful tool, however some things just shouldn't be put in writing - in any form. Also a converstation often helps get something dealt with quickly. The sneaking around thing would just annoy me - this company really needs to provide a conference room if they have such an open floor plan. There will always be times where people need to speak in privacy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mister V Posted November 7, 2007 Author Share Posted November 7, 2007 Sorry tanbark...should've mentioned that one of the individuals was my wife Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mister V Posted November 7, 2007 Author Share Posted November 7, 2007 curiousnycgirl - if I understand you correctly you are saying that this behavior that I wrote about is legitimate; also, my wife was apologetic about a number of IM's that I found and told me to feel free to check her conversational history and also she would eliminate the walks to the store and one on one lunches with her colleague...like I said in my other thread "I Believe Her and I love her dearly".... That being said I feel a need to know whether or not I caught something that was heading in the direction of an e-affair or if I didn't Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted November 7, 2007 Share Posted November 7, 2007 Based on what you know and have said, it doesn't really sound like there's anything going on, BUT... They need to have a private office built for these kind of things. It would not be very expensive to put up a couple of walls and a door. Always having to sneak around and make lunch dates outside the office just to have a "meeting" is bordering on inapropriate in my mind. We are all just human, sometime sadly so. Often if you insist on playing with fire you eventually get burned. Just my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
AriaIncognito Posted November 7, 2007 Share Posted November 7, 2007 People do have relationships with others at work. Meaning, non-romantic, business/interpersonal dealings. The scenario you mentioned wasn't all that uncommon of what I'd do at work. We have an IM system that's internal and monitored and some things you dont want to discuss over the airwaves, so you take a walk with your friend to discuss things where you're out of earshot. The fact that it happens to be your wife, well in my opinion, you're untrusting of her so you need to ask yourself why. If you think she's straying, she probably is. But all that said, I go to lunch on a daily basis with an opposite sex coworker, but we talk about work, about life, and about whatever. We aren't sneaking off nor are we having an affair. Platonic friends can exist between men and women. However you really need to ask yourself why you're so hung up on this. Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted November 7, 2007 Share Posted November 7, 2007 But all that said, I go to lunch on a daily basis with an opposite sex coworker, but we talk about work, about life, and about whatever. Yes, but do you work in the same office as your husband? I haven't read any of the OP's other posts but the fact that she's not inviting him along seems a little odd. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mister V Posted November 7, 2007 Author Share Posted November 7, 2007 Ariawoman - I understand your point of view. However, developing friendships with the opposite sex via frequent one on one lunches is playing with fire. From my research many an "emotional affair" develop through the nurturing of a companion of the opposite sex. My reason for posting was because I stumbled accross my wife's instant message history (looking for pics of our kids for sending out to relatives). From what I found she was starting to become more comfortable with him and said things in their IM conversations that I have never heard her say to me or our kids (i.e., "so...you are going to kick my ass in fantasy football"...or...references to him about me and my job in a negative context) When I told her that she said this she denied it and when I offered to show it to her she did not want to look at it and instead said that it must have been a wierd days. It may well have been a wierd day, but I was uncomfortable with the direction that their relationship was heading and we both decided that some of her comments were inappropriate and that she would stop the one on one lunches and walks to the corner store. ------------------------------ Let me know what you think about these guidelines.... http://love.ivillage.com/lnsproblems/lnscheating/0,,fmf6,00.html Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted November 7, 2007 Share Posted November 7, 2007 I personally tend to keep work life and personal life separate and there are some things in that list I agree with, but by and large those rules sound a little extreme. It sounds like something Dwight Shrute from The Office would write. Link to post Share on other sites
AriaIncognito Posted November 7, 2007 Share Posted November 7, 2007 Yes, but do you work in the same office as your husband? I haven't read any of the OP's other posts but the fact that she's not inviting him along seems a little odd. Tanbark, you know I'm single...lol. No husband. My point was, I go to lunch daily with a married man (no his wife doesn't work here -- maybe then it would be weird cuz he should be having lunch with her and whoever not just whoever). Link to post Share on other sites
tanbark813 Posted November 7, 2007 Share Posted November 7, 2007 Tanbark, you know I'm single...lol. No husband. I think the oversight was due to you being so enchanting that I didn't stop to think you might be single. Link to post Share on other sites
AriaIncognito Posted November 7, 2007 Share Posted November 7, 2007 I think the oversight was due to you being so enchanting that I didn't stop to think you might be single. Flattery will get you everywhere. As for that ivillage list....I found a lot of it to be kinda rigid. Almost too untrustworthy. I understand that emotional affairs are a serious and very real thing, but I think also there's something to be said for a balance of trust. Now, like i said, maybe theres more that I don't know about your situation before giving my opinion on the intent of IMs, dont know. Do you have any other threads about not trusting her behavior? Link to post Share on other sites
uniqueone Posted November 8, 2007 Share Posted November 8, 2007 I see a problem..... They're sharing secrets. That creates intimacy and a bond. The chatty conversational IM's do the same thing. I know where this leads....seen it...experienced it....way too much. OP, your gut feeling was right.....as gut feelings usually are. Ariawoman: I soooo....sooooo....do not recommend what you are doing. BTDT. Trust me. Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted November 8, 2007 Share Posted November 8, 2007 I see a problem..... They're sharing secrets. That creates intimacy and a bond. The chatty conversational IM's do the same thing. I know where this leads....seen it...experienced it....way too much. OP, your gut feeling was right.....as gut feelings usually are. Ariawoman: I soooo....sooooo....do not recommend what you are doing. BTDT. Trust me. Why does everyone always assume this bond goes beyond friendship? Just because two people are of the opposite sex, I don't see how that is a reason not to start a friendship. And the best friendships are when you can tell the person everything and be close to them, without one of you wanting it to go elsewhere. Link to post Share on other sites
uniqueone Posted November 8, 2007 Share Posted November 8, 2007 Why does everyone always assume this bond goes beyond friendship? Just because two people are of the opposite sex, I don't see how that is a reason not to start a friendship. And the best friendships are when you can tell the person everything and be close to them, without one of you wanting it to go elsewhere. Go read up on MM/OW. Better yet....go experience it. Then you'll have your answer to that question. You'll definately have your answer to that question. Link to post Share on other sites
Citizen Erased Posted November 8, 2007 Share Posted November 8, 2007 Go read up on MM/OW. Better yet....go experience it. Then you'll have your answer to that question. You'll definately have your answer to that question. lol Well obviously I know that it happens. But I guess, like you said, I haven't experienced it yet so how can I know for sure? I guess deep down I just hope that the world is not the truly crappy place it is. Link to post Share on other sites
uniqueone Posted November 8, 2007 Share Posted November 8, 2007 lol Well obviously I know that it happens. But I guess, like you said, I haven't experienced it yet so how can I know for sure? I guess deep down I just hope that the world is not the truly crappy place it is. You're still young...you could still believe that......lol Link to post Share on other sites
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