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Job Offer for EA with NC?


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Ok, so check this out. (This is part II btw).

 

I am up for a new job that could be pretty stellar. However, nothing is guaranteed and it's definitley not a shoe-in.

 

Now, when the recruiter contacted me about the new job, he also included a second position the place needs to fill in the IT department.

 

In the past, I had an EA with a woman. She did NC on me 3 months ago going on 4.

 

I still consider her a friend, and at the time she was looking for a new job. Well, the second position matches what she is looking for beautifully.

 

I am tempted to submit her name to the recruiter and tell him not to tell her I referred her. Should I do that? I think it would help her out much.

 

I don't want to make contact with her if I don't have to. I respect her privacy.

 

Something else to consider is what if we both get positions at this place?

 

I would probably have to tell her if she asked if she wondered who referred her.

 

I'm thinking the right answer is just look out for myself and not help her. But if I could do it anonymously, so be it.

But at th same time, my chances are slim and hers are much better at landing it.

 

Jobs in her area are tough to come by too, and this would be exactly what she is looking for.

 

I will ask the recruiter if its wrong for him to contact her and not reveal how he came across her contact information.

 

Any thoughts?

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this is a tough one.

 

I am not sure what to tell you... If you think that you can both land in the same work place... is it really a good idea to refer her?

 

What if you both get the jobs and she completely ignores you... and you find it hard to get up in the morning to face her every day... maybe you'll be mad at yourself for referring her.

 

You need to think thoroughly about this one..

 

Good luck for the job... :bunny:

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Hey Lizzie!

 

Well, actually if she ignores me that is fine with me. I can live with that. As long as she is doing well.

 

I don't think there is a cruel bone in her body, so I would not take it personally like that. I would understand.

 

I would not be referring her for my own agenda. It's simply just to help her out. Though most here probably would not believe that. Or will tell me I am in denial about it, but jobs like the ones I described truly are scarce.

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You may want to ask yourself if your motivation is altruistic, if you suggest your ex-EA partner for the job.

 

There's one more alternative. Wait until you're certain you don't get the job and then refer her for the other position.

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You may want to ask yourself if your motivation is altruistic, if you suggest your ex-EA partner for the job.

 

There's one more alternative. Wait until you're certain you don't get the job and then refer her for the other position.

 

Yes, my motivation is definitely altruistic (I had to look that up,btw!).

I don't know if I want to wait. These jobs have a tendency to come and go quickly.

 

I think I would be feel miserable if she lost her job and I failed to help her when I could have. I know, its not my problem and I shouldn't care.

 

But man, when you can help someone and you don't, and it would not effect you...that's just not me

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Hey Lizzie!

 

Well, actually if she ignores me that is fine with me. I can live with that. As long as she is doing well.

 

I don't think there is a cruel bone in her body, so I would not take it personally like that. I would understand.

 

I would not be referring her for my own agenda. It's simply just to help her out. Though most here probably would not believe that. Or will tell me I am in denial about it, but jobs like the ones I described truly are scarce.

 

If you are absolutely sure that there is no 'danger' for you to get hurt.. go ahead... maybe after a while, if you both get the jobs, you can tell her that she owes you big time... ;):laugh: (just kidding... not).

 

I know what you mean... I am like that too... I would do anything for my friends... if I can help them better their life ... I would...;)

 

Go ahead... maybe your 'BA' (good action) will get you the job... who knows!

 

I referred a friend last year (just a platonic friend, I used to work with him)... he's the best guy in the world... and he will get the job soon (permanent) and his salary will double... plus all the benefits we have.. right now he's working in the private sector (low salary, no benefits)... but I knew he would do an amazing job.. I would never refer someone I'm not sure about their job quality.

 

Good luck with the job! (I'm hoping you'll get it) :bunny: sending you all my best vibes.

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In the past, I had an EA with a woman. She did NC on me 3 months ago going on 4.

 

I still consider her a friend, and at the time she was looking for a new job. Well, the second position matches what she is looking for beautifully.

 

Hi D,

It is very touching that you know so much about this woman's qualifications and needs for employment. You obviously care for this woman and are very into her. I have read your posts before, but cannot remember if you are a MM or if the woman of this EA is a MW. But I take it as she has decided on NC, that at least one of you are married or in a committed R.

 

Having said that, and speaking as a MW who is having an A with a MM, I would suggest not referring her, OR refer her doing it anonymously. It has occured to me to try NC with my MM, but I'm nowhere near ready for it. But if and when the time comes, I would not want any temptations coming my way.

 

I am trying to see it from both points of view if you do decide to refer her.

 

One scenario is that she gets the job, finds out who referred her, and sees you as her hero. This will be very tempting for her...to begin C (contact) because she will feel the need to thank you. This might start the whole thing up again and become very messy. Especially if you end up working together. You must look to your intention here: Do you want to be her hero and start up with her again? Or are you genuinely trying to find her a job and continue with NC? She is obviously struggling with the EA and feels that regular C with you makes it difficult for her.

 

I am tempted to submit her name to the recruiter and tell him not to tell

Any thoughts?

 

Go with your temptation and tell him it was an anonymous tip if you decide to refer her. Do you honestly think you can work together and keep up the NC? Good luck, D. Keep us posted.

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Yes, my motivation is definitely altruistic (I had to look that up,btw!).

I don't know if I want to wait. These jobs have a tendency to come and go quickly.

 

I think I would be feel miserable if she lost her job and I failed to help her when I could have. I know, its not my problem and I shouldn't care.

 

But man, when you can help someone and you don't, and it would not effect you...that's just not me

There are a number of aspects to consider.

 

It's got potential for bringing unwanted drama into the workplace. While you may feel you can handle the proximity, you can't control her reactions. Don't under-estimate the power of emotions. They're neither logical or rational.

 

If you bring unwanted drama into the workplace, your employer or potential employer will not thank you for it.

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There are a number of aspects to consider.

 

It's got potential for bringing unwanted drama into the workplace. While you may feel you can handle the proximity, you can't control her reactions. Don't under-estimate the power of emotions. They're neither logical or rational.

 

If you bring unwanted drama into the workplace, your employer or potential employer will not thank you for it.

 

That is a good point. When we did work together in the past, there was no attraction on my side. Only later did it occur.

 

However, we have never said a bad word once each other ever.

We never had drama really. Only internal drama with myself, and it wasn't too bad.

 

In fact, maybe if we really did work together I would probably realize my EA was just fantasy and nothing more and we would be back on friend basis.

 

This is something I will think about. Thanks TBF.

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DazedandConfused66

Give the recruiter her name and contact information, ask for anonymity. Here's why:

 

1) You'll do her a favor...whether or not she gets the job is up to her skills, not your referral of her.

2) A good recruiter does NOT reveal their sources. They live and die by referrals, and no way would he/she want to alienate you by telling your ex that you were the point of referral. Even if she doesn't get THIS job, and you don't get YOURS either, you've earned a friend in a recruiter who basically gets paid to put forth candidates....it's not called "headhunting" for nothing. They'll call you again in the future for more opportunities and/or "referrals" (see below) which only helps your own prospects out there.

3) A good recruiter doesn't NEED to reveal their sources of referral. Almost all of them will introduce themselves by saying something like "I'm so-and-so and have an open position to fill and have heard thru the industry grapevine that you were a 'connected' individual...maybe you might know someone who would fill this position?" In fact, they are recruiting you directly, but they don't typically say that outright. So there's no reason for the headhunter to tell her you were the referrer in the first place....won't happen that way.

 

If you end up at the same workplace, cross that bridge when you get to it. It's a pretty big longshot to think that both of you land jobs at the same place...unless you are the only 2 candidates on the planet for those roles.

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Thanks DC66! I will ask the recruiter about anonymities. If he is game, its a go.

 

Its not such a long shot however. The position I am going for has been open since August, and I have been declining all this month until they came up with this crazy offer.

The other position has been open awhile as well, and she finished certification in that area. I suspect she has a better shot than I.

 

The other position is at the same place, and she more than qualifies, plus its in her location because its down the street where she works now

(which may be another issue if I do get it and she does not: i will most likely run into her, thus I will most likely see her again anyway)

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We never had drama really. Only internal drama with myself, and it wasn't too bad.

 

In fact, maybe if we really did work together I would probably realize my EA was just fantasy and nothing more and we would be back on friend basis.

 

 

I think this is why you want to refer her....and hope to work with her. I think this is the real motivation behind it instead of getting someone a job.

 

Look, I've done this and so have plenty of other people. We tell ourselves that we're just doing something to help a person out, but a lot of times it has to do with our own issues. You have unresolved issues about this relationship with her and you want resolution. I wouldn't use the workplace as the stage for that though.

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I think this is why you want to refer her....and hope to work with her. I think this is the real motivation behind it instead of getting someone a job.

 

Look, I've done this and so have plenty of other people. We tell ourselves that we're just doing something to help a person out, but a lot of times it has to do with our own issues. You have unresolved issues about this relationship with her and you want resolution. I wouldn't use the workplace as the stage for that though.

 

I understand why you would think that, because that would be the typical conclusion because I mentioned the EA.

 

But the truth is, I think I have a slim chance of getting this position. I have to convince them that it's worth it to send me to training, I am management material, etc.

 

Her position is more of a shoe-in, and I am honest regarding the friendship I had with her. Just like I am honest when i dislike someone. For example, when someone I dislike dies, I don't back peddle my feelings on them. I still dislike them just the same.

 

The place she is at now is downsizing, and she doesn't want to move. I have something of value for her, and I am giving it to her anonymously. If I really wanted to start things up again, I could easily use this as an excuse to make contact. But I'd rather she contact me on HER terms. And if she never does, so be it.

 

I really don't like to do things with strings attached. That is just so classless to me. I think leverage should only be used with business, not people.

 

But I will consider your analysis for thoughts regarding my subconscious. Thank you unique.

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