Sexual harassment, now I am being avoided!

[BornToFly]

Some months back I did an internship at a great place. I worked really hard and everyone there was constantly telling me how they were so impressed by me. There was even talk of hiring me. They threw a party for me when I left, and gave me a large bonus check. One of the girls made a huge fuss about wanting to keep in touch, even buying me a present. Another guy took me aside and said to me how I was just such a rare intern and so wonderful to work with.

 

I thought I had a place that would give me a great recommendation. But there was a snag. One of the guys who worked there was constantly harassing me. It started early on. He would come up behind me and whisper, "I just want to take a bite" or if I would say "what are you doing" if he was lingering at my office, he would say "checking out your butt." Once I was wearing white heels that tie, and he said, "I know why you wear those, so you can have your ankles tied together." He made comments like, "we could get it on," "I know whose room to come into at 2 am," "We could have a great time if you could keep your mouth shut," etc. He was also married.

 

It even sort of frightened me, because I was living on the premises alone and he had keys to the rooms. When he said that about coming into my room, he also made comments about me and porn, and said how we could get it on and it frightened me! I did not know what to do, I did not want to say anything because I did not want to make him angry with me if I reported him, but I was actually scared! I went to one of my superiors and privately told her what happened, and asked her to please not repeat it, and that I did not want to get him in trouble, but that I was scared!

 

She was so surprised and said, 'that just does not sound like him!" Then she gave me this talk about how she thought he had such great character and why and said not to worry, that this was probably just his rough way of telling me he thought I was hot. I was still scared but I did not want to cause any problems so I just let it go.

 

Well, in the beginning my friends and family told me I needed to tell him to stop. But I was afraid that if I spoke up, he would get angry with me. I mean, I did not want to mess up my internship by having him mad at me. Some people said I should go to the boss and complain, but there I was afraid he would deny the things and then turn around and try to make me look like the bad person.

 

So I just kept the peace and laughed it off. I acted like it was no big deal to me, but it really began to get to me. It made me see myself in a bad way. He would say, "so, you couldn't get out of the porn business?" and things that made me know he saw me as an object. One day he was in the office with me and another woman. I commented that I liked his hair, which he had just cut off. He said, 'I like your...." and made very obvious eye contact with my chest while grinning leeringly.

 

The lady that was there heard this and said, "don't talk that way to her! That is sexual harassment and I will not have it." He said, "oh, I am just joking" or something like that. She said that it was not funny and then he said, "oh, come on, she's just the intern!"

 

Well, as it turned out, the lady, who was second in command as far as authority, had a talk with him and told me that she had instructed him to stop and that he did not realize it made me feel bad but now that he knew, he would stop. She explained he was objectifying me and I was so glad that someone had seen it and put an end to it!

 

So the next day I came to work, happy to be thinking that he would finally leave me alone! But right away he came in and started making comments about looking up porn on the internet. I felt confused that he was not stopping!

 

It continued, and my internship was drawing to an end, and one day he said somethings to me and I just could not take it anymore! I got so angry. I did not want to have to act anymore like it did not bother me and just laugh along for fear I would loose a good recommendation, and the next morning I was so upset that even though I only had a week left I was not going to stay silent anymore! It was really affecting how I look at myself.

 

I felt that since he had already spoken with one of the superiors, and been told to stop, and had not stopped, I now had the perfect right to go to the woman who was completely in charge and tell her what was happening. I was so scared though. I was afraid everyone would turn on me and hate me if he came back and denied everything. But I was so upset I could not keep silent anymore! I was afraid to go to him directly because I did not want confrontation.

 

I was so angry that morning. I asked some of the men I worked with if I had ever done anything to make them loose respect for me. Was this my fault? Did people all see me this way? They all said no so I thought, ok then, I am not bringing this on myself!

 

I went to the main boss and told her everything, even about how he was making comments about wanting to "have a good time if I could keep my mouth shut." I really said everything. She said I should have come to her sooner and to never be afraid about loosing a good recommendation. She said she would talk to him.

 

She came back later that day and said she had asked some of the people around the office if they had seen instances, and they said yes. So she talked to him and said that he was "just joking" and really thought it was all a joke and had not thought the other superior was serious when she asked him to stop. He claimed he loved his wife and would never do anything against her. My boss really thought it was all just a misunderstanding and I had to agree because I did laugh it off and never acted like it bothered me but just played along.

 

So she told him to basically stay away from me and not talk to me, which he did. I could sense, though, that he was very angry with me. I started to get concerned. Had I done the right thing? Maybe I should not have said anything! Maybe I should have just let it go! But I just couldn't stay silent anymore.

 

Well, I left the internship and about a month and a half later I went to email the lady who had wanted to keep in touch with me, who had given me cards and a present and everything saying how she was so glad to have known me, and she NEVER replied to my email. I had to go in some time later to pick up a delayed check and when she saw me she was very nice and when I asked if she had gotten my email, all she said was "yes" and no explanation. I never did hear from her again.

 

I started to feel afraid that what I had feared had happened! That he had been so angry at me that he had turned everyone against me when I had left, probably denying things and everything.

 

Recently I needed a recommendation, so i thought I would write to the guy who had said such nice things about me as an intern before I left. He had really said what a wonderful intern I was and so many beautiful things that I thought he would be happy to give me a good recommendation. I was kind of afraid when I emailed him though, that maybe he had been turned on me by this guy and would not reply. I emailed him and he has never emailed me back!

 

I am really upset and am thinking that this guy must have really chewed me out behind my back when I was gone, making me look like the bad person and probably denying everything. I do not know what to do! I worked so hard there, and my one superior told me that I never dressed inapropriately. I have been so upset over this. I have been thinking I should just call there and see what they say, ask why my emails are being ignored. I don't know what is right or wrong in this situation and I do not know what to do! Even my best friend said she cold not have done that, speak up, because she would be afraid too, so she would have laughed it off like I did. But now I wish I hadn't spoken up because now it seems they all want to avoid me!

 

What should I do?

[melodymatters]

Well, If you were an intern I am guessing you are still pretty young. So give yourself a break for not handleing it perfectly, and forgive yourself first thing.

 

Next, call HR ( or higher) of the company and tell them your situation re; a good recomendation. Now play hardball and say " You company xyz were not responsive to my complaints, so you either give me a GLOWING MF"er of a recomendation, or we all go sort this out in court with Mr scum bag.

 

Then , tell Mr scum bag, that he should chime in agreeing to the glowing recomendation or MISSES scum bag is gonna hear about it.

 

Then NEXT time some joker tried this, don't laugh and try to " get along" give him a jail house stare and say I don't appreciate that type of crap. And if he persists, tell him ( even if you are lying) that you will A) cut his nuts off while he's sleeping, B) sue the f*ck out of him or C) have your BF's biker gang burn down his house

 

Bullies like that HATE ball busting woman and will soon turn his attentions to easier prey.

[norajane]

You need to ask for a recommendation from the person you worked for directly - your boss. The other people aren't really obligated to give you a reference.

 

Also, in the future, get letters of recommendation from people as you are leaving the job. Then you will have the written letters and can submit them as necessary without worrying what they'll say later.

 

It's also a good idea to call HR and ask what they would tell people who call for a reference. HR doesn't usually give out much information - it's a legal issue. They give out dates of employment, salary, and whether you are eligible for rehire. That's the important part - if they say you are not eligible for rehire, then future employers will assume that there was some kind of problem.

 

But if you provide your supervisor's contact info, they will ask your supervisor about your performance. So you should CALL (NO EMAIL) your supervisor and ask for a reference letter, or ask whether you can provide her contact info to job prospects. That will give you an opportunity to find out how she feels - if she hems and haws, then you know there's an issue and you can ask her what's up and whether it's about the sexual harassment.

[Timberlane]

Bring a little digital voice recorder to work and record some of this stuff. It should prove very useful later.

[justpassingthrough]

Woulda, coulda, shoulda. None of that matters now. What matters is what lessons you took from that particular situation.

 

I hope one of those lessons is lewd men happen. They certainly aren't everywhere, but they're out there. The tough part is learning how to safely and respectfully (two wrongs don't make a right) put an abrupt stop to their behavior. After all, it's not only inappropriate and offensive, it's illegal. My out is to ask what it is about me that makes them believe they can speak to me that way. And I do it with the utmost sincerety, for two reasons. Foremost, I want them to think about what they're doing, and they always do. Most times they stop themselves and apologize. Sometimes they try to do something different like justify themselves. Whatever. I keep asking until they give up and, again, stop themselves. I also want to know if, somehow, I'm un-knowingly/-intentionally attracting pond scum and, if I am, I want to change my own behavior.

 

Just my two pesos.

[BornToFly]

Thank you to everyone for your replies.

 

I feel so horrible right now. I cannot even explain, I just feel like everyone has completely turned on me and hates me, and all my hard work to earn their positive references is lost, which is exactly what I feared would happen if I spoke up! Thats why I did not speak up, this has happened before. One time I had a friend and her boyfriend was hitting on me, trying to feel me up and everything. I got so mad at him and said, "you have a girlfriend and you really should not be doing this!" He said, "are you going to tell her?" And I said, "you should tell her!"

 

He completely freaked out and got on the phone right away with her and told her this COMPLETELY b*s* story about how I was trying to make up lies and that if I said anything to her it was because I was jealous and that I was threatening to try and ruin his relationship. I tried to talk to her, to tell her the truth, and she just said how he had warned her about me and that she thought I was a liar and would not listen. She went around telling everyone I was this huge, envious liar, and when I would see her family they would all point and stare and everyone thought I was this horrible person. It was such a nightmare. I just felt like this horrible person - I felt horrible that he had done that to me, and then I felt horrible for trying to tell her the truth! Like I was the bad one.

 

Ever since then, I have been afraid to say anything in situations like that. I had several other situations happen that were similar, but I always stayed silent because I knew if I said anything, I would come out as the bad one in the end.

 

Thats why I was so afraid at this internship to speak up! I was so afraid everyone would turn on me, that he would lie and deny it and say who knows what behind my back, make me into this evil person. Then all of my HARD work would be completely for NOTHING. And I worked HARD. I mean, everyone said how I was just extraordinary and just way beyond the call of duty.

 

It hurts so bad right now. I cannot believe how I am being completely shut out, like I am this horrible person. If I had not worked so hard...if I had not given it so much...maybe it would not matter. I realize that I should have stood up and said something right away, (which in the future I will always do!) but I was just afraid that everything would get ruined. I mean, he denied the whole hitting on me thing and said he loved his wife and would never do anything, which of course makes me look like this horrible liar and everyone there was friends with him and thought he was this great guy.

 

I apologize for the long posts, if anyone read this far, I just needed to get this out. My friends say I should just forget the whole thing, and not even bother trying to go after a recommendation if they are going to ignore me like this. I feel so hurt. I will never let a man ever treat me that way again, ever!

[squeak]

One day this will all be a bad story to tell people at dinner. Everyone makes mistakes.

 

Listen, after reading this, I want you to try to take some assertiveness training classes. I sincerely want you to, because as young as you are, this pattern of trauma can stop, if you have the right tools. I am going to guess you are sweet and docile and don't want to make waves and you don't have any real power yet. You will continue to have this pattern of attracting scum, not because you are bad, but because you internalize and try to go along until it kills you.

 

The scum needs that combination to be scummy, work on yourself, it may happen again, but you'll be the one with the options.

 

Speak up, tell a manager, go to HR, tell your friend if you are being hit on by her BF after he gets a swift kick in the sack, try it in little ways every day so you can handle the big things when they come. Don't smile when you feel pain, set your own boundaries, make a list of all things and scenarios that make you uncomfortable and what you would do next time.