Workplace crushes

[lonelyone]

Hi Everyone, there is a phenomenon that is affecting me more and more as I get older and remain unmarried. (I'm 37 now.) The phenomenon is workplace crushes. It used to never be a problem; if I had a workplace crush, I didn't mind at all; if fact it would cause me to do a better job at work.

 

Now, it's become an agony that eats inside me. Since most men at all my workplaces are married, the crushes have become a painful, painful agony. It usually starts out where the man, often a superior, thinks I do a good job (I'm an accountant), plus thinks I'm nice, so we usually develop a trusting, professional relationship. At this point, it's pleasant to be recognized, and I still don't have a crush, and I often tell myself "now don't let your feelings get out of hand, because after all, he's married."

 

But gradually (or sometimes suddenly), the feelings DO get out of hand. I begin to resent the guy for ever being so nice to me in the first place. I often wonder how he can be so nice to someone when he's supposedly happily married. And I mean they're really nice - one guy even took me to coffee, one on one, to chat about work. Is that appropriate? It probably is, unfortunately, making it more obvious that my crush is entirely MY problem and doing.

 

Like I mentioned, I'm 37, and have never been married. Would workplace crushes be easier to handle for me were I married? Would I feel less "vulnerable," since I would be on the same level, marriagewise, as my male co-worker (or superior)?

[McFadden]

I think if you were hapilly married you may not have as many workplace crushes, and if you did they wouldn't be as intense. It sounds like the crushes are because of the fact that you want to be in a relationship.

 

I don't know if this is the case but do you work a lot, and hence not have time to meet many single men outside of work? That may be the problem..

[lonelyone]

I would love to get involved in a relationship and go on to get married, but here are some restrictions

 

1) I had cancer 15 years ago, and the chemotherapy rendered me infertile. And adoption agencies don't like people with health problems, even though they won't admit so.

 

2) I have a moderate heart condition (from the chemo), and may not live past about 55. It's difficult to have to explain that to a man who wants a lifetime partner.

 

3) I live in a small town (it's a long story why; has to do with not being able to find work in the city), although I'm considering moving back to the city. That would still leave me with problem #1 and #2, however.

 

So is there any hope? Am I doomed to have intense workplace crushes on married men all my life? Is there any way to control the crushes, even if I don't get married right away?

[Lizzie60]

why the need to get married... you can live happily as a single, independant career woman...

 

Now these crushes... this is weird because if they do make passes at you that's probably because your body language tells them it's OK. If you were a strong, independant, I bet they would know where you're standing and they would back off... they can't read you properly for some reason.

 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with two co-workers going to lunch together... this could be very much platonic... but, it seems that, for you, nothing can be platonic...

 

You might also be reading too much into just 'nice' gestures... they might not be 'crushes' at all....but you see them as flirts...

[spookie]

I would love to get involved in a relationship and go on to get married, but here are some restrictions

 

1) I had cancer 15 years ago, and the chemotherapy rendered me infertile. And adoption agencies don't like people with health problems, even though they won't admit so.

 

2) I have a moderate heart condition (from the chemo), and may not live past about 55. It's difficult to have to explain that to a man who wants a lifetime partner.

 

3) I live in a small town (it's a long story why; has to do with not being able to find work in the city), although I'm considering moving back to the city. That would still leave me with problem #1 and #2, however.

 

So is there any hope? Am I doomed to have intense workplace crushes on married men all my life? Is there any way to control the crushes, even if I don't get married right away?

 

I am really sorry about your health issues, but you must be a strong women to have gone through all that and emerged where you are.

 

I think your crushes wouldn't be as intense if you were involved in a relaionship with someone. It sounds like you are lonely and craving romantic attention, so you read too deep into the nice actions of any man.

 

I don't think you should give up on love just because of your health problems. There are plenty of men out there who don't want children, or who already have some of their own. Not all men seek women solely for the purpose of reproduction. As far as #2 goes, for one thing, no one can predict the future, so I think for a lot of people this wouldn't be an issue at all. Look at younger women who find love with much older men despite the reality that they will out-survive them by decades. If I am wrong and it is an issue with most men your age, you can try dating older men whose life expectancy is close to your own.

 

I am positive there is someone out there who will make you happy. It sounds like you've lost hope, but you have to be proactive in finding that person. And when you do, these crushes will seem insignificantly silly.

[whichwayisup]

Hi Everyone, there is a phenomenon that is affecting me more and more as I get older and remain unmarried. (I'm 37 now.) The phenomenon is workplace crushes. It used to never be a problem; if I had a workplace crush, I didn't mind at all; if fact it would cause me to do a better job at work.

 

Now, it's become an agony that eats inside me. Since most men at all my workplaces are married, the crushes have become a painful, painful agony. It usually starts out where the man, often a superior, thinks I do a good job (I'm an accountant), plus thinks I'm nice, so we usually develop a trusting, professional relationship. At this point, it's pleasant to be recognized, and I still don't have a crush, and I often tell myself "now don't let your feelings get out of hand, because after all, he's married."

 

I think you're lonely and any man you work with that shows you any kind of attention, or just being nice, is making you have that crush. You're interpretting their kindness, and/or respect/professionalism into romantic feelings.

 

begin to resent the guy for ever being so nice to me in the first place. I often wonder how he can be so nice to someone when he's supposedly happily married. And I mean they're really nice - one guy even took me to coffee, one on one, to chat about work. Is that appropriate? It probably is, unfortunately, making it more obvious that my crush is entirely MY problem and doing.

 

I think if you were married or in a relationship your focus would be on your partner, you wouldn't be looking and opening yourself up to others while at work, in that way.

 

Spend more time with female co-workers, maybe that will help.

[whichwayisup]

1) I had cancer 15 years ago, and the chemotherapy rendered me infertile. And adoption agencies don't like people with health problems, even though they won't admit so.

 

15 years is a long time, it's crazy that they'd still find issues with that!

 

I am sorry that you had cancer and had to go through all that. But, you're a survivor and a strong person now!

 

2) I have a moderate heart condition (from the chemo), and may not live past about 55. It's difficult to have to explain that to a man who wants a lifetime partner.

 

Don't assume that you won't find someone due to your health issues. You make a difference in people's lives, friends and family, so I'm sure when the right person comes along, you'll know it.

 

3) I live in a small town (it's a long story why; has to do with not being able to find work in the city), although I'm considering moving back to the city. That would still leave me with problem #1 and #2, however.

 

So is there any hope? Am I doomed to have intense workplace crushes on married men all my life? Is there any way to control the crushes, even if I don't get married right away?

 

Would you be open to getting some one on one counselling? It could just help you sort out what you're feeling inside and also help you cope better in general.

[justice]

lonelyone there is nothing wrong with going for a coffee with a married coworker as long as that is all it is.

However, if you are wanting more or reading more into it than what it really is, I'd be hesitant to go on anymore coffee dates.

Cancer is a hard illness, and I can sympathize with you on this, but just because you cannot have children, does not mean you don't deserve love too. Instead of crushing on married men at your workplace, get out more and try to look at single guys. Not all of them want kids.

I would advise some counselling here, and think it would do you good.

[julia pearson]

Take it from someone who's been there - workplace affairs almost always lead to disaster!

 

I applaud you for having survived cancer! 15 years is quite an achievement! You sound like a woman who is committed to her career and who is very pleasant to be around. Are you perhaps too committed? Are you working too hard?

 

You've already been through alot and I think a little support for these feelings will be very helpful. I went to see someone when I was having "issues" and it helped me stay on track. I don't regret a moment of it.

 

I agree with the others when they say not all men want to raise a family! Keep your chin up!

[uniqueone]

I would love to get involved in a relationship and go on to get married, but here are some restrictions

 

1) I had cancer 15 years ago, and the chemotherapy rendered me infertile. And adoption agencies don't like people with health problems, even though they won't admit so.

 

So? Not everyone wants kids. And some will have kids already.

 

2) I have a moderate heart condi tion (from the chemo), and may not live past about 55. It's difficult to have to explain that to a man who wants a lifetime partner.

 

So? Who's to say what age a lifetime is? Someone could get married tomorrow and die the next day.

 

3) I live in a small town (it's a long story why; has to do with not being able to find work in the city), although I'm considering moving back to the city. That would still leave me with problem #1 and #2, however.

 

And this means you can't have relationships???

 

These sound like excuses to me. There are deeper reasons that you don't really WANT a real relationship.