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Feelings for female coworker!


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Old 24th March 2007, 8:02 PM   #61
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It's easy to tell by the posts who has experienced this and who hasn't.

By the way, I appreciate that people are reading this long winded thread, despite the fact that I now think it really didn't belong in this section of the forum.

I am at risk now of looking like a whiner that doesn't want to take the next step to fix the problem.

Changing jobs is out of the question.

I suppose therapy is all that is left.

I have been pretty good at internalizing all of this turmoil. I think I keep a good game face at work through all the highs and lows. Admittedly, I have pulled the odd stupid move, even recently, and remarkably, she still talks to me as if nothing happened.

I am amazed at how normal I was around her before this happened. I have no recollection of ever being interested in who she was talking to, or what she did at lunch. I talked to her, I thought she was beautiful, but no emotions whatsoever, just another coworker who happened to be hot .... and this was for 3 years. If only I could go back.

I really think a lot about her at home when I perceive that things have gone bad with her. This is the obsessive compulsive component of limerance that attempts to analyse and extract meaning from any interaction or lack of interaction with her.

If I can manage to leave work having what I considered a good day with her, it's fairly easy at home. I do think about her often, but just as a background pleasantness. No obsession, or fantasies, or lusting as some have suggested I am doing.

Without giving details, I am on the road to a possible friendship with her, beyond work, involving our families. This is something that I think I really want....obviously without the curse of limerance.

The primary obstacle in the way of this friendship is me. I am always on the edge of saying/doing something stupid during my irrational moments that will expose me. There are so many social situations at work that seem designed to make my thoughts go out of control...that's when I'm forced to suck it up.

Truly an ironic situation...involuntarily pushing away what I really want.

Last edited by uplooker80; 24th March 2007 at 10:59 PM..
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Old 25th March 2007, 1:21 AM   #62
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CR, you have made some fascinating comments and I want to elaborate on them latter when I have more time. You thoughts and viewpoints posted above have really helped me in my situation.

But I do want to ask one quick question:

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Originally Posted by blueberry1 View Post
It is a major temptation for me, but I realized the last few days I am going to try the one tool I haven't been using, prayer. It is the only thing I can think of to try and keep these feelings for my boss under control. I will always want my boss in my life so I will never leave my job or shut him out of my life. I realize that if I can't have him as a lover or a husband, I'd rather be his righthand woman at work than nothing at all..
Blueberry, what would you pray for here? I am on your side in choosing this tool as a method to take control of the feelings you have and the situation surrounding them but I want to know something. Your heart is wanting more in this situation, how can you effectively pray with your heart against what your heart is desiring? It seems your prayers will either be shallow from lack of true sincerity or they will be hindered by the outcome you actually want to see deep down. I am not trying to discourage your praying, only asking this for my own curiosity.
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Old 25th March 2007, 2:45 AM   #63
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good question...

empty906! Well, I'll just pray that I can resist temptation if my boss and I ever do get into a tempting situation! At this point though, he has alot of unbelievable stress because of his business and he is occupied with that and I'm just trying to offer support to him. He seems to respect marriage boundaries and so do I which is a good thing. He has been through divorce before and knows all of the hardships of that. I don't want to reveal too much on the off chance someone from this small town would recognize my posts. There is absolutely no way to avoid him even if I did quit because of the small town. But I won't do that, so I'm going to pray for a way to deal with my overwhelming feelings for him, my jealousy toward his wife, and I will try to do more with my husband. But feelings are feelings! What can I say?!
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Old 25th March 2007, 3:13 AM   #64
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I don't know how to say this politely. I'm really really troubled by what you have written. People don't usually have affairs because they have genuinely met "the one". In fact, there is no "the one". People have affairs because something is missing in their marriage and they get that need fulfilled outside it. Those affairs almost always end badly because the affair only fulfils a limited range of needs. The married person gets very depressed because he/she transgressed their personal values. It's a very sad and painful phenomenon.

It is entirely possible that someone can be with the * wrong * person initially and come across someone they feel is * right * for them.

While I don't believe in " The One " because there can be many people that come through our lives that can move us..I meant that he could feel she was *the one* in the sense of making him feel all his needs are being met .
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Old 25th March 2007, 3:23 AM   #65
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I believe...

Uplooker80 that you said in an earlier post that you didn't really want this woman, and in your most recent post you said you were pushing away what you really wanted. I just wondered what you meant by that? And it sounds like you aren't all that attracted to the woman at work physically?
If so, I find that hard to understand. Do you think this limerance word is just another word for obsessive love? Actually, I think being in love is rather obsessive anyway!
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Old 25th March 2007, 6:12 AM   #66
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blueberry1 View Post
Isn't it possible to love someone and marry them and then in later years meet someone else who touches your heart enough so that you fall in love with that person as well? Can't it be as simple as that, and not due to all of these speculated reasons? I do. We don't necessarily just find "the one" person throughout our whole lives who will be "the one" person we feel love for.

Absolutely - it happens all the time. The OP is describing one version of this (limerance). But as for the "speculated reasons", I don't think I can agree. I don't believe romantic love exists in the absence of underlying psychological processes. I know that's completely unromantic, but I don't think we can avoid it.

Now if your question is something like "is the underlying psychology always dysfunctional?", then I don't have a ready answer for that. Sadly, I'm going to say my answer to that question is "yes". I think that if we are in a committed, loving relationship and we fall in love with someone else, then it points to some interesting issues under the surface. And at the very least, I think it has to mean some sort of boundary violation(s) to begin with. And there is no such thing as love at first sight in my opinion.

Of course, if it is love for someone from the past, that's different. Which reminds me of something I read on another blog a while back:

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I want people to realise that just because you still love someone from your past, it doesn't stop you from having future relationships. You don't have to wait for the feelings to go away. Just accept the fact that the person will always be special to you, but that doesn't make you incapable of loving someone else.
I always found that strangely comforting

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Old 25th March 2007, 6:23 AM   #67
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It is entirely possible that someone can be with the * wrong * person initially and come across someone they feel is * right * for them.

While I don't believe in " The One " because there can be many people that come through our lives that can move us..I meant that he could feel she was *the one* in the sense of making him feel all his needs are being met.
Hmmm. I suppose that's possible - we are just talking about feelings after all, not facts.

Look, I appreciate where you are coming from. Your situation is different to my situation, so let me level with you on something. Tonight, I visited my Mum and she happened to show me an old photo from my first engagement. I hadn't seen it in 20 years. There was my fiancee, looking gorgeous, staring out at me. My heart skipped a beat! Let's say she came back into my life midway through my troubled marriage. I'm pretty sure I'd be saying stuff that sounds a lot like what you are saying.

That wouldn't necessarily make her a good romantic choice though. If I left my wife for her, I would be simply substituting one set of problems for another. And I probably wouldn't respect myself for doing it. But god it would be a difficult conundrum! I don't envy anyone in this situation.
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Old 25th March 2007, 11:02 AM   #68
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Originally Posted by blueberry1 View Post
Uplooker80 that you said in an earlier post that you didn't really want this woman, and in your most recent post you said you were pushing away what you really wanted. I just wondered what you meant by that? And it sounds like you aren't all that attracted to the woman at work physically?
If so, I find that hard to understand. Do you think this limerance word is just another word for obsessive love? Actually, I think being in love is rather obsessive anyway!
It's hard for me to define what I feel for her. Despite the fact that she is extremely physically attractive to me, it is the person that I love (or whatever you call the emotion that I have). I want her to think that I am special.

As for the pushing away, what I meant is that I really want to be friends with her, and that is entirely possible except for the fact that I am always in danger of saying something stupid or sending yet another dumb e-mail because of the limerance factor and how I struggle with the totally unnecessary, imaginary, competition I have with the boss over her.

I think that she still sees me as a stable person. I will eventually blow my cover if I can't shake this, and she won't be interested in pursuing a friendship if this happens.
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Old 25th March 2007, 1:00 PM   #69
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Am I the only one who sees the potiential disaster of this situation?

Quote:
I am on the road to a possible friendship with her, beyond work, involving our families. This is something that I think I really want....obviously without the curse of limerance.
Don't you think your wife knows you well enough that if you all spend time together, she'll (your wife) will pick up on the energy you feel for the co-worker?
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Old 25th March 2007, 1:28 PM   #70
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Am I the only one who sees the potiential disaster of this situation?



Don't you think your wife knows you well enough that if you all spend time together, she'll (your wife) will pick up on the energy you feel for the co-worker?
I'm hoping that this will assist in my rewiring project, and that I will get my act together.

Sort of a leap into the great unknown. I'm also doing this because with all the other crap aside, she really is a person worth being friends with, and I think that my wife and her will be compatible.

This definately will not be boring.
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Old 25th March 2007, 1:35 PM   #71
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Yes, maybe your wife and your co-worker will be friends, but it isn't healthy for you. How can you even attempt to get over for what you feel for her if she's friendly with your wife? I'm just asking you to open your eyes abit and take a step back....

YOU will be getting something out of the friendship, selfishly. I guess you know what you're doing, but I wish you'd look down the road and see what 'could' happen if you don't control your feelings...You cannot be someone's friend when you're inlove with them.

Can I ask though, are you at all in the least worried that your wife will pick up on your feelings for the coworker? Women can pick up on vibes very quickly...And if the coworker seems TOO flirty or looks at you a certain way, your wife will notice that too.

All I know is, as do most people, you cannot be friends with someone that you're inlove with and can't have. Hopefully soon you'll figure this out.
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Old 25th March 2007, 1:42 PM   #72
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Oh I'm worried all right.

I will be concentrating on getting to know and become friends with her husband, because this is the only way for this to work.

Speaking of vibes, I must admit that I am intrigued by what is really going on inside my coworker's head, because I certainly must have given her plenty of vibes myself.
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Old 25th March 2007, 1:56 PM   #73
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Being friendly with her husband is not going to stop the feelings you have for her!

I guess I don't understand why it's so important to strike up a friendship with another married woman when you're married already! A crush is a crush, but you're taking it to another level...it's a potiential dangerous situation you're creating for yourself!

If you are so worried, then WHY you are putting yourself through this? It's like you're setting yourself up for a big fall, having to maybe deal with your wife's jealously....Also, the coworkers' husband could pick up on what you two feel for eachother as well.

Obviously you're hellbent on seeing this through, so I wish you all the luck in the world. Just remember, you DO have a wife to think about, and what you may have to deal with if your wife picks up on the vibes....Is it really worth screwing up your marriage just to be a friend to the coworker????
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Old 25th March 2007, 3:10 PM   #74
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Oh I'm worried all right.

I will be concentrating on getting to know and become friends with her husband, because this is the only way for this to work.

Speaking of vibes, I must admit that I am intrigued by what is really going on inside my coworker's head, because I certainly must have given her plenty of vibes myself.
Knowing her husband won't help you at all. You are obsessing about her and it is unhealthy. In fact, it might actually be time to consider working somewhere else. You need complete separation from her - nothing less.
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Old 25th March 2007, 3:20 PM   #75
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Hey!

Uplooker80, did you read my posts about how I became friends with my boss's wife and that I thought the same way you did, that it would help in regard to my feelings for him!! It did not at all, in fact, it has spurred the jealousy monster on even more! On the few occasions he put his arm around her in front of me, I was devastated and he always looked over at me directly after he had done it, as if to see my reaction! Can you imagine how that would affect you, when even seeing her with your boss in an office situation upsets you!? The only positive thing being friends with my boss's wife has done that is positive, has reinforced my moral outlook as to never to succumb to my feelings for him. It is also giving me guilt and jealousy galore. Trust me, it will not make one aota of difference to your feelings for her to know her husband, it just makes things all the more harder! I know!
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