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Loosing virginity before marriage and guilt


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I've seen some post along this lines, but I wanted to be specific on one aspect of this:

 

Since Christians state that you should stay virgin until marriage, and having in mind that most Christian don't respect that. How do you cope with guilt about it, or is there no guilt at all?

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They're usually not super-devout. Frankly, there are quite a few Christians who commit adultery too. We have had some on this forum...

 

Most "hard-line" Christians will resist temptation - which makes for a poor relationship when they couple up with a fellow Christian who either isn't a virgin, or who doesn't hold as strong a view on celibacy.... We've had a few of those circumstances too.

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T-16bullseyeWompRat

Its hard to live modern day life by an ancient book. I imagine most folks back then got married super young by todays standards. If its the norm for girls to get married right when they start puberty or shortly after, I imagine a rule about staying a virgin until marriage would be practised by most. I suspect that rule was meant more for women then men too i might add.

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It seemed during the puritanical victorian era such chastity and temperance carried social grace.

 

Instead we call it progressive to explore and be as active as possible with as many partners as possible.

As if experience is the "new" guideline for deciding the partner in matrimonial vows.

 

Perhaps retrospect understands that holding to some values can be a form of discipline . One that few want to re evaluate and say... maybe there is some value in being less promiscuous simply because "everyone is cool with it".

 

Devaluing it carries a level of indifference ... Like whats the big deal?

 

You can't unring a bell, so when its chosen... be responsible for your health.

 

Guilt is a healthy reminder that values were transgressed.

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I used to have religious beliefs, and used to think I'd wait until marriage for sex. But then I had sex, and didn't feel guilty at all, which led me to question my beliefs and realize they weren't so strong in the first place. Now I'm not a Christian anymore and I feel much more peaceful.

 

Sometimes sex before marriage clarifies things.

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Its hard to live modern day life by an ancient book. I imagine most folks back then got married super young by todays standards. If its the norm for girls to get married right when they start puberty or shortly after, I imagine a rule about staying a virgin until marriage would be practised by most. I suspect that rule was meant more for women then men too i might add.

 

This is so true.

 

I used to watch an awful reality TV show as a guilty pleasure. The show was called "My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding." Young women featured on MBFAGW were married off as early as age 15. Their parents would brag about their daughters being virgins and not even kissing until marriage. The boys were encouraged to sleep around before marriage.

 

This ties into your comment. Since the "Rumneys" marry so early, being a virgin on their wedding days is far from extraordinary.

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Many people's faith actually forms or leaves entirely after the years that most in our culture become sexually active. However those raised with parents who believe are pressured into and have been taught to participate in community bonding rituals and pretend to believe keep family peace. T

 

. Christianity specifically grants forgiveness in its theology for those who make that later decision, even if they pretended to get along with the family and did things which they were taught were forbidden before coming to a faith.

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Thank you all for your feedback. I personally find religion harmful in this sense. Specially because it isn't an idea transmitted in the religion itself but it's embed into the culture itself. Even non-religious people have the notion of virginity as something valuable. I've heard some guys (usually young ones) say they wouldn't marry the common kind if girl they dated with, but instead look for one who is a virgin.

Don't get me wrong, I know how bad a plan is that. And also really difficult to do. And I think most this guys ended up really far from that. But my point is that this thinking derives from religious value of virginity. And I also think it's harmful as it spreads a lot of guilt out there.

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97% of Americans have pre marital sex. Sexual compatibility is very important to most healthy marriages. You would be surprised at how many people taking a "purity pledge" have anal and oral sex regularly. "Sex is natural, sex is fun...not everybody does it but everybody should" ;)

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Deep inside I'm very worried about that topic. The issue is my BF is a practicing Christian and waited till a couple of years ago (after 35!) I guess with the idea to stay virgin until marriage. Now he's obviously not anymore but I worry does he thinks less of me because I'm having sex with him. For God sake we're even living together (which I know he's VERY uncomfortable sharing around... I think only his parents know, but nearly none of his friends).

 

 

I used to have religious beliefs, and used to think I'd wait until marriage for sex. But then I had sex, and didn't feel guilty at all, which led me to question my beliefs and realize they weren't so strong in the first place. Now I'm not a Christian anymore and I feel much more peaceful.

 

Sometimes sex before marriage clarifies things.

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Deep inside I'm very worried about that topic. The issue is my BF is a practicing Christian and waited till a couple of years ago (after 35!) I guess with the idea to stay virgin until marriage. Now he's obviously not anymore but I worry does he thinks less of me because I'm having sex with him. For God sake we're even living together (which I know he's VERY uncomfortable sharing around... I think only his parents know, but nearly none of his friends).

 

No_Go, out of all the things you've said about your BF, this might actually be the most disturbing to me—that he hides the fact that you live together from all his friends. It's like he's splitting, living a double life, that's not ideal. I mean, it's a process, yes, but jeez.

 

I've been touting this documentary for a while, but it's called Give Me Sex Jesus, and it's about the prevalent attitude surrounding sexual purity within the church. It's interesting! And may give you some insight into how your BF feels about all this. Watch it together, maybe he'll open up about it. It's free on Vimeo:

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Deep inside I'm very worried about that topic. ... but I worry does he thinks less of me because I'm having sex with him..

 

Don't you know what he thinks of you? Well I don't know but you should take a look to his actions around you. Like that hiding of your living together. Have you had sex with another guy before him? Does he knows about that?

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dreamingoftigers

I lost my virginity at 17 then became a Christian at 19.

 

It sucked because most of the guys were still virgins and viewed me as "used goods."

 

Even worse at 20 when I became a Mormon.

Came close to marrying one.

He broke it off. I honestly think the me not being a virgin factor played into that.

 

I met a nice guy with a high number count which concerned ME. But I got over it. We've been married 10 years, together 11. Mixed-faith marriage but he's always been respectful and encouraging of my faith. Ironic because we've had other serious issues.

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Yeah, it is disturbing, but I see where it's coming from: when we visit his friends out of state they arrange separate bedrooms for is! Twin beds in the same room is out of option for them... I don't know what to think about that, I'll check your video for an insight.

 

Btw his family was the same way (separate bedrooms etc), until his dad came to visit us after we moved in together... Then they let us sleep in the same bedroom over Christmas, but I'm really concerned what would they think of me.

 

For me this behavior is so foreign... I do come from a Christian family too, but not actively practicing (for us it was more about big events etc). I though it is something cultural here (I'm not American), but who knows...

 

But here is the limbo: I'm not comfortable even sharing my discomfort about the hiding living situation from friends because I'm actually way worse in the double life thing. My mom et al have NO idea about his existence... And I talk to her regularly... I'm actually having a huge anxiety about the fact that my family is unaware about him but can't share with them yet (I have quite a broken family relationship, basically I never shared anything dating-related with them, my current BF is not an exception or the reason so to speak).

 

No_Go, out of all the things you've said about your BF, this might actually be the most disturbing to me—that he hides the fact that you live together from all his friends. It's like he's splitting, living a double life, that's not ideal. I mean, it's a process, yes, but jeez.

 

I've been touting this documentary for a while, but it's called Give Me Sex Jesus, and it's about the prevalent attitude surrounding sexual purity within the church. It's interesting! And may give you some insight into how your BF feels about all this. Watch it together, maybe he'll open up about it. It's free on Vimeo:

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Maybe he's just using me with the whole living situation... I'm not too good at reading him.

 

I did have 2 relationships before him (so he's my 3rd sexual partner), and I told him about that. I used to live for a few months with my second BF. Now I remember, I was dating my current BF 2 months or so, and tried to tell him about my live-in relationship and he got all weirded out and asked me not to "overload him with past information" or something like this.

 

Can it be that he considered me "dirty" about sharing this info?

 

I also remember that he said it is against his beliefs to live together before marriage, but on the other side: HE asked me to move in with him, and even before tha: HE insisted on spending at least a night per week in his place. I mean literally from week one of dating (if it was just for sex, we'll have it anyway, but he was insisting for sleepovers - can't figure this out?!)

 

Don't you know what he thinks of you? Well I don't know but you should take a look to his actions around you. Like that hiding of your living together. Have you had sex with another guy before him? Does he knows about that?
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97% of Americans have pre marital sex. Sexual compatibility is very important to most healthy marriages. You would be surprised at how many people taking a "purity pledge" have anal and oral sex regularly. "Sex is natural, sex is fun...not everybody does it but everybody should" ;)

 

You have two competing hopes that God will supernaturally put you with the right person if you met in Bible study, a bar or your father contracted with an extended cousin to further the family business. Thus you can forsake all others with no fear. Versus you need to select the right person and that includes giving something as a test but withholding something for your spouse's pleasure only.

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Now I remember, I was dating my current BF 2 months or so, and tried to tell him about my live-in relationship and he got all weirded out and asked me not to "overload him with past information" or something like this.

 

Can it be that he considered me "dirty" about sharing this info?

 

I think that most of the time it wise not to have much information about your partner's sexual/romantic past. Most people doesn't like to hear about that and some can't even handle it. The lonely rejection to hear about your past doesn't mean he is judging you dirty. But it's yet possible.

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 3 weeks later...
I don't believe in marriage and I'm not a virgin. And I don't feel guilty about it.

 

 

Well golly, since Marriage is not centralized around sex , or the end all be all to have the formation of a life long commitment, I'd say you are making the right choice to refrain from that institution.

 

The OP though is questioning the relationship from an opinion brought forth from the religious side. That of being "chaste" .

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I did have sex prior to marriage even though I was taught to wait. Because I was brought up thinking sex prior to marriage is bad I always felt sex was a little wrong if you're not married. I thought I'd feel OK having sex after I was engaged but I still felt it was sort of wrong. Now when I have sex I don't feel guilty since I'm married and married people are supposed to have sex. However, I still rarely have sex.

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