Struggling with Anger at God

[equitable]

Long story short, the last ten years have thrown a lot at me. I've spent nearly three decades trying to live my life for God. And yet...the rocks life is throwing seem to just keep coming and coming, for a full decade now. If I had to boil it down to the biggest thing, I'd say I've ended up feeling entirely, completely alone in life.

 

Part of the struggle over the last three years in particular is watching someone close to me, and his wife, and many of their friends, live lives of complete hedonistic self-serving pleasure seeking, and yet they seem to thrive, to be surrounded by friends, community, support and love.

 

I've struggled before with trying to understand where God is in all this; I've had brief moments of telling God I'm through because I just can't understand any of it; but for some reason, the anger, the shell shock, even the complete numbness, have grown exponentially in the last week and a half. Ironically, it's happening at a time when all sorts of 'good' things are starting to happen. But I suppose the problem is, they're not things I wanted. I feel dragged along by someone else, and feel doors closing all around me, but I'm *supposed to be* happy. It leaves me feeling even more isolated than before.

[badpenny]

While I am not a Christian, I am a lapsed catholic, and I do follow another religion, as best I can.

 

The Creed I follow states that one is not punished FOR one's sins, one is punished BY them.

 

To my mind, it seems an incorrect premise to be angry with a God who has chosen to take a step back and permit Man to govern himself, through his own Will.

 

Your acquaintances are having the time of their lives, while you seethe with resentment, pain and anger at their apparent good fortune; but observe: Are they truly satisfied with their lot in Life? Are thy content to remain where they are, and bathe in their current success, and enjoy the fruits and rewards of their labours?

 

It seems not.

 

They have this, but they soon get tired of this, and want that instead. They have the car, but soon think a bigger better car would suit them more.

 

You see, the more they seem to have, the more they will want.

And the more they want, the more they consume, and spend and grow dissatisfied.

 

How does that line go?

 

"The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want."

 

Or, "Consider the Lilies of the field; they neither toil nor spin...."

You are alive. You are upright.

You can breathe, see, and enjoy the most wonderful miniature miracles brought to you every day simply by existing.

 

Look to your own treasure, here on earth. The ability to exist and thrive, on less than others, because in your heart, you have more; you have the knowledge and wherewithal to develop Wisdom, Compassion an serenity.

 

It is enough.

 

You can't have everything; Where would you put it?

[autumnnight]

OP, I have no magic words to give. But I can say I have felt exactly as you describe, if not for the same reasons. I am, I think, coming out of a season of being angry at God more often than not while at the same time wanting to be close to Him again.

 

God is GOD. He won't shrink from us being angry at Him. And He already knows anyway, so try not to beat yourself up.

[equitable]

badpenny, thank you for your wise words and reminder. Although, it is not their things they have, that I lack. It's that they seem to be surrounded by friends, and community, and to have a happy marriage despite routinely dating and sleeping with others, while I 'did everything right,' and I don't have any sense of community and my marriage fell apart.

[pureinheart]

Long story short, the last ten years have thrown a lot at me. I've spent nearly three decades trying to live my life for God. And yet...the rocks life is throwing seem to just keep coming and coming, for a full decade now. If I had to boil it down to the biggest thing, I'd say I've ended up feeling entirely, completely alone in life.

 

Part of the struggle over the last three years in particular is watching someone close to me, and his wife, and many of their friends, live lives of complete hedonistic self-serving pleasure seeking, and yet they seem to thrive, to be surrounded by friends, community, support and love.

 

I've struggled before with trying to understand where God is in all this; I've had brief moments of telling God I'm through because I just can't understand any of it; but for some reason, the anger, the shell shock, even the complete numbness, have grown exponentially in the last week and a half. Ironically, it's happening at a time when all sorts of 'good' things are starting to happen. But I suppose the problem is, they're not things I wanted. I feel dragged along by someone else, and feel doors closing all around me, but I'm *supposed to be* happy. It leaves me feeling even more isolated than before.

 

Not trying to be uncool, although need to ask, why do you feel you're supposed to be happy?

 

I could say a lot concerning your post, but thinking you've heard it all before, so will just lift you up and let you know I understand.

[equitable]

Not trying to be uncool, although need to ask, why do you feel you're supposed to be happy?

 

Because all sorts of "great" things are happening--a great guy with a great job wants to marry me and buy me a great house.

 

But I feel I've been dragged along in a whirlwind by various other events, and not given a moment to think, that my silences and NO's are being ignored, that I've been cornered into situations where my NO suddenly impacts others negatively, not just him and me.

 

A previous boyfriend has chastised me that clearly the problem is nothing can make me happy. Of course, being that he's a former boyfriend, I'm not telling him most of what's really going on with someone else.

[Satu]

Long story short, the last ten years have thrown a lot at me. I've spent nearly three decades trying to live my life for God. And yet...the rocks life is throwing seem to just keep coming and coming, for a full decade now. If I had to boil it down to the biggest thing, I'd say I've ended up feeling entirely, completely alone in life.

 

Part of the struggle over the last three years in particular is watching someone close to me, and his wife, and many of their friends, live lives of complete hedonistic self-serving pleasure seeking, and yet they seem to thrive, to be surrounded by friends, community, support and love.

 

I've struggled before with trying to understand where God is in all this; I've had brief moments of telling God I'm through because I just can't understand any of it; but for some reason, the anger, the shell shock, even the complete numbness, have grown exponentially in the last week and a half. Ironically, it's happening at a time when all sorts of 'good' things are starting to happen. But I suppose the problem is, they're not things I wanted. I feel dragged along by someone else, and feel doors closing all around me, but I'm *supposed to be* happy. It leaves me feeling even more isolated than before.

 

Why blame God, when it's your own decisions and actions that brought you to where you are?

[todreaminblue]

I some times ask god... really why now....im trying to do the right thing and feel sorry for myself....doesnt last long though because i normally get an answer to why things have to be that way....or hard....or painful....

 

when i was raped as a homeless teen i asked why me,why didnt you save me from that experience......i didnt get an answer..........i came up with my own......i was in the wrong place at the right time to be raped.....i got pulled out from under a bush by my sneakers.....and raped.....that particular incident set a path for me...my path in life that began before i was born.....

 

 

in my faith we believe that we chose to came to earth, that we chose to live the life we were given and seeing how i have felt like an old soul since i was a child...it really soothes my heart....rings true in other words...truth soothes....

 

i chose this life.....i chose to be here and now and i chose to accept what happened to me all through the path i walk....in essence....i have always had control even though it seemed like i had it taken from me...and to me...that soothes me more than any books i read or any prayer i say...that soothes the very heart of me

 

 

I feel stronger when i face adversity and i have faced a bit.....when i am true to who i am....regardless of what others do or say to me......and that i hav esurvived what i have survived ...to me is gods hands over me......because honestly i dotn think iw oudl eb typing now unless there wasnt divine intervention.....

 

 

we all serve a purpose......we are tools in the hands of god......and its better to be a tool of god hands ....than a weapon in satans......

 

money .......is good yeah.....good to have a roof over your head.......good to put food on your table......good to pay tithing with.....good to help others with.....but when it becomes a major concern.....then who are you really thinking about .....the son of god lived his life interesting view here.....as a homeless man who walked the streets.......helping others.....to then die tortured beaten and whipped nailed to a cross..that is the perfect son of god ..who accepted all he had to do to save us.....and i dont know but this is the human me....i would want to die before i saw my children on a cross i would rip peoples hearts out and serve them up on a plate before i let someone do that to my son or daughter.i would beg and plead and ask they take me instead....lick their boots do anything they ask .....cut off my right arm...whatever.....but yet god did it with all the heartache of a parent in seeing atrocity done to his own begotten son.....and the world went dark after it was done....i believe with utter darkness of complete sadness.....

 

 

for these reasons above ...i cannot hate god......i cannot be angry at him .......

 

and anythign i have gone through or will go through cannot compare to the ultimate sacrifice god made for all of us...when i feel sorry for myself i think fo that...i dust off my boots.an di keep trekkin..and i will keep walking in the light of truth ..no matter how dark and sad my path gets.......that being all god has done for us, all god will do for not only me....but for all of humanity...the fact i chose to walk the path before being born to it......makes me even more sure......i loved god.....and i love him still..more than that i always will......even when life gets rough ..deb

Edited March 3, 2015 by todreaminblue

[Satu]

Sometimes I get the feeling that some people see God as being a pet entity that can be trained to perform tricks on demand.

 

"Fetch me a wife."

 

"Good God"

 

"Fetch me a better job."

 

"Good God"

 

I'm pretty sure that it isn't meant to work that way...

Edited March 3, 2015 by Satu

[equitable]

Why blame God, when it's your own decisions and actions that brought you to where you are?

 

How can you possibly say this when you don't even know the specifics?

[equitable]

 

we all serve a purpose......we are tools in the hands of god......and its better to be a tool of god hands ....than a weapon in satans......

 

This is a beautiful and powerful reminder.

 

Thank you.

 

I think if these things happened now and again, I could handle it better. Every single thing said is what I've told myself multiple times previously. It's the fact that these hits just keep coming and coming. And no, not by my own choices. Dysfunctional family with rages--not my choice. Lying, cheating husband--his choices, not mine. I tried everything under the sun to heal the marriage, but he was determined to continue on his course and I eventually had to file for legal protection against some of his actions. There are things outside of our control.

[Satu]

How can you possibly say this when you don't even know the specifics?

 

If it isn't us that places ourselves where we are, who is it that does?

 

I'm quite sure that it was me that placed mself where I am.

[equitable]

If it isn't us that places ourselves where we are, who is it that does?

 

I'm quite sure that it was me that placed mself where I am.

 

Other people make choices that also affect us. Perhaps in an esoteric sense you believe that we choose to be born to abusive parents, etc. I do not. Had I spent my days lying, cheating, sleeping around, doing drugs, etc., yes, I would have caused my own problems. I have made a couple of decisions that I question, but in general I've lived a very clean, responsible, hard-working life looking to doing what's right, responsible, and kind for others.

[autumnnight]

Equitable, I think I know what you are feeling. I did everything "right," and according to my preacher and teen pastor and such, I was set up for a wonderful, abundant, passionate life. I followed all of the rules and meant it.

 

That is not what happened, and while I AM responsible for MY choices, I am not responsible for the choices those close to me made that had a terrible impact on my life. And yes, who in my circle seems to have the best life? The wildest girl in our group. The psycho is my supervisor and I work my butt off for about 2/3 the going salary for my profession. I loved Jesus with all my heart when I was my oldest's age, and they are kind of ho-hum and have some views that break my heart.

 

I think the problem in part was the way these Biblical principles were presented to me. Think of Matthew 6:33: Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and all these things will be added unto you.

 

What are "these things?" I know we sort of approached it from a "fill in the blank" angle. But that really isn't what God's word says. He refers to fod, clothing, and shelter, which I have always had, even though it's not been extravagant. Then there's the motivation. I confess part of me lived it like this:

 

Seek ye first the kingdom of God SO THAT all these things will be added unto you. Like a contract. I kept my end, so God will keep His.

 

It was quite a blow when I realized that was not how it worked.

 

I don't know the answer, but - to quote the song - I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to....well, he is just able, period. And He loves me with an everlasting love, in spite of the fact that I have indeed been imperfect enough to be mad at Him.

[equitable]

Equitable, I think I know what you are feeling. I did everything "right," and according to my preacher and teen pastor and such, I was set up for a wonderful, abundant, passionate life. I followed all of the rules and meant it.

 

That is not what happened, and while I AM responsible for MY choices, I am not responsible for the choices those close to me made that had a terrible impact on my life. And yes, who in my circle seems to have the best life? The wildest girl in our group. The psycho is my supervisor and I work my butt off for about 2/3 the going salary for my profession. I loved Jesus with all my heart when I was my oldest's age, and they are kind of ho-hum and have some views that break my heart.

 

I think the problem in part was the way these Biblical principles were presented to me. Think of Matthew 6:33: Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and all these things will be added unto you.

 

What are "these things?" I know we sort of approached it from a "fill in the blank" angle. But that really isn't what God's word says. He refers to fod, clothing, and shelter, which I have always had, even though it's not been extravagant. Then there's the motivation. I confess part of me lived it like this:

 

Seek ye first the kingdom of God SO THAT all these things will be added unto you. Like a contract. I kept my end, so God will keep His.

 

It was quite a blow when I realized that was not how it worked.

 

I don't know the answer, but - to quote the song - I know whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to....well, he is just able, period. And He loves me with an everlasting love, in spite of the fact that I have indeed been imperfect enough to be mad at Him.

 

Thank you, autumnnight. It's funny how sometimes simply being heard or understood is helpful. Simply hearing that nobody else really knows, either. Knowing I'm not the only one. I certainly DO know that, but sometimes it's easy to lose sight of that, down here in this pit.

[LoverOfDance]

@todreaminblue I've been reading lots of your posts on this site. There's something truly wonderful about you. You're amazing. Just wanted to say that :-)

[badpenny]

Other people make choices that also affect us.

 

Yes, but how we respond, and react to that affecting, is our choice.

For example, let us say that we have agreed to go shopping with a friend of ours, who has asked us to specifically go with them. We already had concrete plans for that day, but we cancelled them to accommodate our friend.

 

On the morning of the proposed shopping expedition, we have arisen and prepared ourselves for the day out - but our friend then calls us and confesses that they have gone on this trip with someone else.

 

Your reaction to this, is your choice.

Your response - is your choice.

 

 

Perhaps in an esoteric sense you believe that we choose to be born to abusive parents, etc. I do not. Had I spent my days lying, cheating, sleeping around, doing drugs, etc., yes, I would have caused my own problems. I have made a couple of decisions that I question, but in general I've lived a very clean, responsible, hard-working life looking to doing what's right, responsible, and kind for others.

 

Are you presuming then that it is your right to somehow be rewarded for such choices? Are you saying that you feel that, in spite of all your good, honest living, you feel you have not received an adequate recompense from God?

 

What, if i could ask, makes you believe you should be entitled to anything of that kind?

[anika99]

This is a beautiful and powerful reminder.

 

Thank you.

 

I think if these things happened now and again, I could handle it better. Every single thing said is what I've told myself multiple times previously. It's the fact that these hits just keep coming and coming. And no, not by my own choices. Dysfunctional family with rages--not my choice. Lying, cheating husband--his choices, not mine. I tried everything under the sun to heal the marriage, but he was determined to continue on his course and I eventually had to file for legal protection against some of his actions. There are things outside of our control.

 

First of all I think it's fine to get angry at God from time to time. Anger and resentment are normal emotions and I think God understands.

 

 

That being said, I don't think you will ever be happy as long as you compare your life to others and feel resentment over their good fortune because you think you are more deserving. There are always going to be thousands and thousands of people who seem to get good lives that they don't appear to deserve and didn't work for and if that makes you mad then I guess you may as well prepare yourself for a life of misery because that situation is never going to change.

 

 

It's your perspective that needs to change. Nobody deserves anything. God never promised us a rose garden and if you like to compare your live to the lives of others, how about spending some time comparing yourself to people who have far far bigger problems than you and yet they are still humble, thankful and happy. Happiness does not come from external sources. We can be happy (not elated happiness, but peace and contentment happiness) in any situation if we have the right perspective. You can take control of your life and your feelings and thoughts and find happiness irrespective of whatever anyone else is doing. You are the master of yourself.

 

 

I'm sorry that your family is dysfunctional and your husband turned out to be a lying cheater. Yes those things are outside of your control and those are things that millions of people have had to deal with. It sucks and it hurts for a time but you get to choose how you are going to react to those things and if you are going to let them make you bitter and angry for your whole life. You get to pick. The best way to get over your anger and resentment is to stop comparing your life to the lives of others and wallowing in envy. Instead start focusing on what steps you need to take to heal and get your life on the path you want it to be. Take it one day at a time.

[Timshel]

Lot's of people have difficulty, hardship, loss, betrayal, you name it. I hate to say it but those are all entitled world problems. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, everything is relative.

 

I was raised southern Christian, bible belt. I have struggled with plenty of disappointment but to be honest, all I ever had to do was meet people to know my sorrow wasn't the worst. I cry pretty much every time I watch/read the news.

 

What I have learned so far is that there is absolutely nothing that you have experienced or ever will experience that not only has happened but has happened a million times over. Think of one thing, anything, in your life that you can say has happened to you and you alone. Name one. Most of the time it's worse for other people if you think about it for a minute.

 

Why say this? It puts things into perspective. It may get you to think how much you have to be grateful for. Focus on what you have, who you are and where you are going.

 

Focus on gratitude, hope and love.

 

The dark would love so much to take your light. One more.

Edited March 4, 2015 by Timshel

[equitable]

I have spent the last ten years (actually more) telling myself exactly these things, and in general they've worked very well.

 

Right now, I'm looking for encouragement. Yes, right now, I'm struggling to continue believing those things because I'm worn down and tired and carrying a heavy load and just struggling to remember and use and be what I know is true. And I guess, "You're an envious entitled ingrate" is helpful. Thank you.

[badpenny]

Please don't put those words into my mouth, because honestly? That's not what I'm saying at all.

 

But I am trying to provoke some line of thought in you to make you question the sense of what you are currently experiencing, and it would seem that your thought-processes are distorted, from what I perceive.

 

Permit me to donate a couple of quotations which have certainly helped me, a great deal:

 

The first is "It all begins in your head, with what you tell yourself." (The 'your/you' being generic, of course.)

 

The second is:

 

"If you cannot find Peace of Mind, Contentment and Serenity where you are right now - then where else do you expect to find it?"

 

I swear that what I am about to tell you, is absolutely true:

 

I have been homeless since August last year. Were it not for the kindness of well-meaning acquaintances, who generously permit me to occupy a small space in their abode, and use their broadband internet while they are absent, I would have nowhere to live.

 

I am utterly penniless, and all and any possessions I ever had, have been disposed of by the storage company they were lodged with, due to non-payment of storage facilities.

 

I only recently managed to secure a small, poorly-paid part-time job, which brings me a meagre monthly amount to live on.

It isn't even enough to cover any market-rate rent, so I can only offer what small amount I can afford to my benefactors, and continue in the hope that either the position will bring me more hours in time, or that I find something more financially rewarding.

 

I am constantly presented with comments from others about their wonderful holidays, meals out, new purchases, new homes, new pets, new this, new that, new the other, acutely aware that such things are only a pipe-dream to me, and about as unavailable to me as a rocket-ride to the moon....

 

Not one ounce. Not one single gram of bitterness do I have; no resentment, no jealousy, no anger. An occasional, if rare twinge of envy, but it passes, because then I remember I have a roof over my head, and I have food on the table, and i have companionship.

 

But I DO get where you're coming from, because I could be coming from there too.

 

So, help me out here: What makes us be so different?

[autumnnight]

I have spent the last ten years (actually more) telling myself exactly these things, and in general they've worked very well.

 

Right now, I'm looking for encouragement. Yes, right now, I'm struggling to continue believing those things because I'm worn down and tired and carrying a heavy load and just struggling to remember and use and be what I know is true. And I guess, "You're an envious entitled ingrate" is helpful. Thank you.

 

I can understand this feeling. At times, focusing on the fact that I have eyesight, food, etc that someone else doesn't have makes me grateful. At other times, it just makes me feel guilty for NOT being more grateful and adds to the load. I remember a friend once telling me "Just because my pain might not be as bad as someone else's doesn't make my pain less real." That really hit me.

 

There are churches (I have been a member of one before) that will try to tell a believer that only perfection, holiness, intolerance of sin, and an understand that anything one receives is more than they deserve are acceptable attitudes. To feel any other emotions (such as disappointment, questioning, anger, etc) is to disappoint God. I do not happen to share that belief.

[dichotomy]

As some who has had some difficult loss and suffering - I understand the anger. I don't believe God is directly involved in my (or others) day to day existence - that is I believe free will and **** just happens. Predestination is just not something I believe in.

 

My pastor once talked about suffering - casting out of eden, ground is cursed - toil your whole life, thorns etc... Jesus coming to earth was not to save us here, but after we die. Also good or bad deeds are not a pass in to heaven or hell.

 

Dealing with my anger and loss, I simply have a hard time going to church and being "thankful" for day to day life. My "good behavior" is not rewarded here on the earth and in most instances has been my downfall.

 

Your post also reminds me of Psalm 73. The point being that trying to be righteous is not about rewards - but simply following in the word of God.

[Timshel]

I have spent the last ten years (actually more) telling myself exactly these things, and in general they've worked very well.

 

Right now, I'm looking for encouragement. Yes, right now, I'm struggling to continue believing those things because I'm worn down and tired and carrying a heavy load and just struggling to remember and use and be what I know is true. And I guess, "You're an envious entitled ingrate" is helpful. Thank you.

 

I apologize if that is what you took away. I agree with autumnnight that your pain is not less because you have not experienced more. As I said in my first sentence, we are human and so everything is relative. So hard for us to get out of our own skin, no knock, it is the human conundrum.

 

I really enjoy Joyce Meyer for inspiration. I don't know your faith but I have found her to be very inspirational and down to earth.

Trouble can be very distracting. Faith is not about ease and reward. Taking the high road is just that and it is harder and longer and usually the only reward is integrity and peace.

 

I guess what I'm saying is that I believe true joy is internal and not external and is stable and not moved. Circumstance will change and change can really bite. There are some few things that no matter external forces, will remain and bring you peace and even the ability to see tremendous beauty and grace while in the midst of strife.

 

I wish you well, I think most Christians experience what you are at some point and that is between you and God. Talk to God. Trust that you will have an answer. Look for it.

[autumnnight]

I'm glad you mentioned Joyce Meyer. I found her book, Get Out of That Pit, to be very helpful to me during a very difficult time.