irc333 Posted July 31, 2014 Share Posted July 31, 2014 A friend of mine told me prior to her first marriage at the age of 19, that she had her doubts about marrying the man she was engaged to. So she went to her clergy in a small charge (Souther Baptist at the time) to mention to him that she's having 2nd thoughts about getting married to this man. Because the writing was on the wall that wouldn't be much of a good husband. The pastor apparently talked her out of possibly calling off the marriage, and to consider that the commitment she made to her future husband and God is something to cherish and to pull out now would not necessarily be a good idea and the pastor felt she DID make a commitment after all and to KEEP the wedding on. I am just speculating, but I'm thinking he talked her into the marraige because "Well, people have their problems as with most marriages, so it's something you would have to deal with". I'm not sure, but she said she did cave and through the advisement of her pastor, went through with the marriage. Of course it only lasted 2 years. From 19 to 21. But are there some clergy that tend to try to talk people out of bailing out of their engagements? Link to post Share on other sites
GoBlue Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 I spent 15 years in full-time ministry and several years prior to that as a volunteer. To answer your question, yes, I suppose there are clergy who would take this approach, but not most of them. Almost every person who I know that is ordained and in a position to marry people requires pre-marital counseling before they will perform the ceremony. The purpose of that counseling is to get a feel for the couple and determine if this is a healthy relationship or not. There are always issues that have to be confronted and dealt with for sure, but if I had the sense that a couple was heading for trouble (i.e., divorce), then I would tell them they needed to wait for additional counseling, or let them know that their marriage was not a good idea and that I would not perform the ceremony. It's hard to determine by what little you have written whether the Pastor did a disservice to this young lady or not. Every couple that gets married will have to face issues that can derail their relationship if not responded to correctly. They are the ones who ultimately are responsible for the health of the marriage. I guess I would ask where the young lady's father was when she was having these doubts. If there was not father present then other family members should have been there to help her. This is not to minimize the influence of the Pastor but no one knows someone better than their family. Link to post Share on other sites
Author irc333 Posted August 2, 2014 Author Share Posted August 2, 2014 Well, she was off to college (age 19) when she got married, her family was quite a good distance away back in her home town. So she went alone to see the clergy on this. I dunno, she just seems to had bent to the whim of this particular minister, even though she could willfully back out of the marriage regardless. I spent 15 years in full-time ministry and several years prior to that as a volunteer. To answer your question, yes, I suppose there are clergy who would take this approach, but not most of them. Almost every person who I know that is ordained and in a position to marry people requires pre-marital counseling before they will perform the ceremony. The purpose of that counseling is to get a feel for the couple and determine if this is a healthy relationship or not. There are always issues that have to be confronted and dealt with for sure, but if I had the sense that a couple was heading for trouble (i.e., divorce), then I would tell them they needed to wait for additional counseling, or let them know that their marriage was not a good idea and that I would not perform the ceremony. It's hard to determine by what little you have written whether the Pastor did a disservice to this young lady or not. Every couple that gets married will have to face issues that can derail their relationship if not responded to correctly. They are the ones who ultimately are responsible for the health of the marriage. I guess I would ask where the young lady's father was when she was having these doubts. If there was not father present then other family members should have been there to help her. This is not to minimize the influence of the Pastor but no one knows someone better than their family. Link to post Share on other sites
taiko Posted August 2, 2014 Share Posted August 2, 2014 Sure, there are some after all religious leaders are human not super natural but the default positions for most even when children and pregnancy is involved is to counsel against marriage at that time. What we will never know unless a reality TV. crew recorded and made the record public unedited is what the woman really said to the pastor about her cold feet and what she says now to her friends since the marriage didn't work out. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 2, 2014 Share Posted August 2, 2014 It may have been a different time. Our pre-marital counseling consisted of the clergy trying to determine if our beliefs were aligned with Church teaching. I didn't find that part of the counseling helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
Tbisb74 Posted August 2, 2014 Share Posted August 2, 2014 If a member of the clergy is unmarried, then it's difficult to see how they can really understand the thought-patterns of those within a committed relationship, and be in any position to evaluate what is "last-minute nerves" and what is "an absolute 180." If a member of the clergy is not only unmarried, but committed to celibacy - he is the last person on the planet whose advice I would seek with regard to an intimate, long-term relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
taiko Posted August 2, 2014 Share Posted August 2, 2014 If a member of the clergy is unmarried, then it's difficult to see how they can really understand the thought-patterns of those within a committed relationship, and be in any position to evaluate what is "last-minute nerves" and what is "an absolute 180." If a member of the clergy is not only unmarried, but committed to celibacy - he is the last person on the planet whose advice I would seek with regard to an intimate, long-term relationship. In general outside of the Roman Catholic church it is hard to get a pastoral position if you're single. Their celibacy preferences are unique. Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted August 2, 2014 Share Posted August 2, 2014 I don't see why anyone would go to these people for advice. Usually they are not dishing out advice that can help an individual person, but rather advice that serves their belief system as a whole. He told her to go through with it, when she had just came to him explaining she had doubts. Doubts enough to come to him to ask for advice, and it doesn't even seem like he took the situation seriously. Just spouted off some mumbo jumbo that could potentially ruin some ones life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author irc333 Posted August 2, 2014 Author Share Posted August 2, 2014 If a member of the clergy is unmarried, then it's difficult to see how they can really understand the thought-patterns of those within a committed relationship, and be in any position to evaluate what is "last-minute nerves" and what is "an absolute 180." If a member of the clergy is not only unmarried, but committed to celibacy - he is the last person on the planet whose advice I would seek with regard to an intimate, long-term relationship. Well, in the Baptist faith, the clergy are usually married. Link to post Share on other sites
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