Relationships and Faith

[angel.eyes]

I’m curious. When dating, do you (or did you) limit who you dated to those who share your faith? Or did you not care? Do you think it makes a difference?

 

I’ve gone through different phases--sometimes focusing only on guys who share my faith, sometimes being open to everyone. Ideally, I would like to date and marry someone who shares my faith and is serious about living by its principles. Not sure if that will happen though. I’m at the stage where I'm ready to get married, but I meet (and date) far more non-believers than believers who are age-appropriate, single, etc. Many non-believers are otherwise wonderful, caring, considerate partners. I wonder if limiting myself based on faith is practical.

 

I’m looking for guidance and opinions from those who take their faith seriously. If you’re now married, I’d be interested in what impact, if any, it’s had on married life. I'm Christian by the way.

[TheFinalWord]

I’m curious. When dating, do you (or did you) limit who you dated to those who share your faith? Or did you not care? Do you think it makes a difference?

 

I’ve gone through different phases--sometimes focusing only on guys who share my faith, sometimes being open to everyone. Ideally, I would like to date and marry someone who shares my faith and is serious about living by its principles. Not sure if that will happen though. I’m at the stage where I'm ready to get married, but I meet (and date) far more non-believers than believers who are age-appropriate, single, etc. Many non-believers are otherwise wonderful, caring, considerate partners. I wonder if limiting myself based on faith is practical.

 

I’m looking for guidance and opinions from those who take their faith seriously. If you’re now married, I’d be interested in what impact, if any, it’s had on married life. I'm Christian by the way.

 

Hello,

 

I am not trying to tell other people how to live their life, but you asked for a specific type of response here: "guidance and opinions from those who take their faith seriously"

 

I have, years ago. But I have realized that a relationship with a woman (potentially leading to marriage) should be the deepest relationship in my life. I also know from experience that not being able to share the most important part of my being, my faith, with a person I am supposed to have this deep relationship with is unfulfilling. I also believe it is not giving her my total being, so it is not fair to her (or me).

 

At this stage of my life and walk of faith, I just don't have the time for wishy washy relationships. To me a marriage is about two people, that are joining their visions together to become more effective in fulfilling their God-given purpose in life. If a potential mate cannot fulfill the basic requirement of sharing my faith, I would not enter into a relationship: can't pray together, can't believe together, can't lift each other up in the Lord during trials...I don't see the benefits of a relationship without those characteristics, at the deepest level. I am more effective in my purpose in life as a single than an unequally yoked relationship.

 

And I do not believe unequally yoked is just "oh we're both Christians", but also you share the same vision, have similar theologies, beliefs about raising children, etc. Basically, a miracle needs to take place. That is what I have told the Lord in my prayers for a wife. It will be a miracle, but I also do not want to enter into divorce, so I will wait for a definite miracle and sign from God before engaging in marriage.

 

The thing is, as a Christian, it is not my life: it's God's life. If God decides it is not for me to be married, I accept that and serve the Lord with all of my being. My personal desires are secondary.

 

If it is just a date for fun, sure. But you have to know yourself. If you fall for people easily, I would not even entertain the idea.

 

Good vid I saw the other day. This lady is a great teacher.

 

I WANT A CHRISTIAN MAN... - YouTube

 

WHAT IS A "CHRISTIAN HUSBAND?".... HOW TO PICK THE BEST MAN - YouTube

 

Bless you and welcome to the forums!

[angel.eyes]

Thank you very much for the thoughtful response and the two videos. Both were very helpful. I don't have time to provide a detailed response right now, but I will come back and do so. Just wanted to let you know that I appreciate the time you took to respond and the response itself.

 

Hello,

 

I am not trying to tell other people how to live their life, but you asked for a specific type of response here: "guidance and opinions from those who take their faith seriously"

 

I have, years ago. But I have realized that a relationship with a woman (potentially leading to marriage) should be the deepest relationship in my life. I also know from experience that not being able to share the most important part of my being, my faith, with a person I am supposed to have this deep relationship with is unfulfilling. I also believe it is not giving her my total being, so it is not fair to her (or me).

 

At this stage of my life and walk of faith, I just don't have the time for wishy washy relationships. To me a marriage is about two people, that are joining their visions together to become more effective in fulfilling their God-given purpose in life. If a potential mate cannot fulfill the basic requirement of sharing my faith, I would not enter into a relationship: can't pray together, can't believe together, can't lift each other up in the Lord during trials...I don't see the benefits of a relationship without those characteristics, at the deepest level. I am more effective in my purpose in life as a single than an unequally yoked relationship.

 

And I do not believe unequally yoked is just "oh we're both Christians", but also you share the same vision, have similar theologies, beliefs about raising children, etc. Basically, a miracle needs to take place. That is what I have told the Lord in my prayers for a wife. It will be a miracle, but I also do not want to enter into divorce, so I will wait for a definite miracle and sign from God before engaging in marriage.

 

The thing is, as a Christian, it is not my life: it's God's life. If God decides it is not for me to be married, I accept that and serve the Lord with all of my being. My personal desires are secondary.

 

If it is just a date for fun, sure. But you have to know yourself. If you fall for people easily, I would not even entertain the idea.

 

Good vid I saw the other day. This lady is a great teacher.

 

I WANT A CHRISTIAN MAN... - YouTube

 

WHAT IS A "CHRISTIAN HUSBAND?".... HOW TO PICK THE BEST MAN - YouTube

 

Bless you and welcome to the forums!

[pie2]

I’ve gone through different phases--sometimes focusing only on guys who share my faith, sometimes being open to everyone.

 

"Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness..." - Matthew 6:33

 

When we focus on God first, I think we find the answers we're looking for.

[taiko]

When I came to belief I was not dating so much that it mattered. And my faith is the majority of my community still. Now my church considers my wife's church as part of us as we are an open communion one. However my wife's church considers us to be in a mixed marriage and there are certain rules she was supposed to follow.

[pureinheart]

I’m curious. When dating, do you (or did you) limit who you dated to those who share your faith? Or did you not care? Do you think it makes a difference?

 

I’ve gone through different phases--sometimes focusing only on guys who share my faith, sometimes being open to everyone. Ideally, I would like to date and marry someone who shares my faith and is serious about living by its principles. Not sure if that will happen though. I’m at the stage where I'm ready to get married, but I meet (and date) far more non-believers than believers who are age-appropriate, single, etc. Many non-believers are otherwise wonderful, caring, considerate partners. I wonder if limiting myself based on faith is practical.

 

I’m looking for guidance and opinions from those who take their faith seriously. If you’re now married, I’d be interested in what impact, if any, it’s had on married life. I'm Christian by the way.

 

Since you got such excellent advice from our other members, I'd like to touch on what is bolded.

 

I've been finding myself lately, when talking with friends that communicate they want a mate, asking them "why"? What are the reasons? Lonely? It's time?

 

Most of the answers I get are: I'm tired of being alone, I need help, I can't do this anymore, and many more similar to these answers.

 

These are not good answers IMO...of which I think are born out of stress or desparation or both. Certainly we all feel these ways sometimes, although why are we turning to man? Can man fix us? IMO, no.

 

The question I would ask you is, is God ready for you to have a mate? Is this His will?

 

My suggestion would be to wait on God, He will send the right person at the right time- God is never late and always on time, and moreso than not, it's rarely ever our time, although His timing is always perfect.

 

If you want, ask God to make it plain and clear-

 

This is from one who has been down this road more times than I care to admit...AND even if they are Christian, it doesn't mean that person is right for you...

 

God Bless you love (((((hugs))))

[TheFinalWord]

AND even if they are Christian, it doesn't mean that person is right for you...

 

Very good point PIH! More than one awesome Christian woman I have dated, ended up not being the match for either of us. It's okay. That is what dating is for The main thing is, "wait on the Lord". It can be hard, but yet satisfying at the same time. Just to place one's life into God's hands.

 

That is sort of the theme, lately, I am sensing. The past couple of months, I felt, "poor in spirit" was the theme. Now, it's wait on the Lord.

 

I also think it is good to study the entire chapter that goes along with the unequally yoked passage. It puts things into perspective; especially 2 Cor. 6:4-10.

 

Playing II Corinthians 6 by Alexander Scourby - picosong

[Eve]

I’m curious. When dating, do you (or did you) limit who you dated to those who share your faith? Or did you not care? Do you think it makes a difference?

 

I’ve gone through different phases--sometimes focusing only on guys who share my faith, sometimes being open to everyone. Ideally, I would like to date and marry someone who shares my faith and is serious about living by its principles. Not sure if that will happen though. I’m at the stage where I'm ready to get married, but I meet (and date) far more non-believers than believers who are age-appropriate, single, etc. Many non-believers are otherwise wonderful, caring, considerate partners. I wonder if limiting myself based on faith is practical.

 

I’m looking for guidance and opinions from those who take their faith seriously. If you’re now married, I’d be interested in what impact, if any, it’s had on married life. I'm Christian by the way.

 

My Husband was not a committed Christian when I met him but had been raised with Christian principles. We both felt strongly that we had been lead to each other and he was not resistant to my one wish - that we pray together. He saw for himself through this and came to Christ and was baptised of his own will. I don't think it would have worked for us if he had not been open to prayer as he would have not been open to God.

 

Previously, I had been out with a couple of people who had strong ties to Christianity but no root in themselves. I thought I could see a lot of light in them but they just wanted to take, take, take all the time. They had nothing to give and did not understand how to really share themselves. So for me, it didn't work. They were quite happy though. I would have suffocated if I had stayed, so I left.

 

I have seen the change also in my eldest brother who was always an athiest but married a Christian woman. He respected her faith and would attend Church with her and is now a Christian.

 

All in all, I guess it depends on whether it is actually about being lead by faith or two people choosing to be together. There is a definite difference felt by those who are within the faith. The primary difference I have experienced in my marriage is that Hubby and I really are one - with God being our centre. I can trust him completely and he me. Previously it was about maintaining biological needs. There was no spirit in the relationship.

 

That was not enough for me so I prayed my H into my life.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[pureinheart]

Very good point PIH! More than one awesome Christian woman I have dated, ended up not being the match for either of us. It's okay. That is what dating is for The main thing is, "wait on the Lord". It can be hard, but yet satisfying at the same time. Just to place one's life into God's hands.

 

That is sort of the theme, lately, I am sensing. The past couple of months, I felt, "poor in spirit" was the theme. Now, it's wait on the Lord.

 

I also think it is good to study the entire chapter that goes along with the unequally yoked passage. It puts things into perspective; especially 2 Cor. 6:4-10.

 

Playing II Corinthians 6 by Alexander Scourby - picosong

 

Amen Brotha (have been watching "Counting Cars"..Danny uses that term a lot). I've found that asking God to bring me into a place of acceptance of the way things are, brings much peace and a greater ability to do what you speak of in bold.

 

Looking back on past relationships (as you have), there is a reason why God says no. He sees what we may not see.

 

After coming out of a really bad time in my life, God began opening many doors, I mean the miracles were a trip. I "thought" part of the miracle was a Christian man I'd met at work. I mean this guy appeared as if he had it all...and as far as being on fire for the Lord...wow.

 

Long story short I almost married him a few times, thinking that God has changed His mind- but God kept closing doors.

 

We all have faults, although from severe alcoholism at one point in his life, he had a permanent psycosis (sp?)...I had noticed some WAY strange behavior, something was off, but blew it off. I understand the unusual behavior now and fully understand why God kept closing the doors.

 

God knows better than we do- things on the outside can look ok, although He knows the innermost parts that I am so naive to.

 

TFW, and all of the singles out there praying for a mate- my prayers are with you for the right mate.

 

As a side note, just want you to know that you mentioned in another thread that you were studying 1st and 2nd Cor, so started a bit of a study on that also...thank you, they are awesome books:D

[pureinheart]

My Husband was not a committed Christian when I met him but had been raised with Christian principles. We both felt strongly that we had been lead to each other and he was not resistant to my one wish - that we pray together. He saw for himself through this and came to Christ and was baptised of his own will. I don't think it would have worked for us if he had not been open to prayer as he would have not been open to God.

 

Previously, I had been out with a couple of people who had strong ties to Christianity but no root in themselves. I thought I could see a lot of light in them but they just wanted to take, take, take all the time. They had nothing to give and did not understand how to really share themselves. So for me, it didn't work. They were quite happy though. I would have suffocated if I had stayed, so I left.

 

I have seen the change also in my eldest brother who was always an athiest but married a Christian woman. He respected her faith and would attend Church with her and is now a Christian.

 

All in all, I guess it depends on whether it is actually about being lead by faith or two people choosing to be together. There is a definite difference felt by those who are within the faith. The primary difference I have experienced in my marriage is that Hubby and I really are one - with God being our centre. I can trust him completely and he me. Previously it was about maintaining biological needs. There was no spirit in the relationship.

 

That was not enough for me so I prayed my H into my life.

 

Take care,

Eve x

 

Your husband, from brief mention in other threads sounds like a powerful man of the Lord. God Bless you both:D

 

There are so many points to your post that I want to touch on, although in bold- wow- for the past several years, this is all I run into. Heartache after heartache I feel done. IMO that is where God wants me to be as He is doing a major work right now. Eve, it is truly amazing (even though it hurts), there is deliverance left and right lately, God is really revealing Himself, and I didn't even ask in most cases- He knows my heart.

[pureinheart]

It's entirely dependant on the attitudes of both parties.

 

If it is going to be a source of conflict, then it's doomed. If one or both have the unstated expectation on the other to change, it's doomed. If neither party is honest, it's doomed. If they haven't had all the necessary discussions upfront about how the kids will be raised, it's doomed.

 

It can work, but obviously both need to be open to the idea and accepting of each other as they are. But that's really just a sensible pre-requisite for any aspect of their lives. It's just that religious differences are harder than most to reconcile.

 

It's not an open-and-shut case. Your mileage may vary.

 

This is the key right here. I rationalised on all levels that "I" could change them- now this was subconscious, but there nonethe less.

 

You know the peculiar QJ thing- after all of the trauma, both self inficted and inflicted, I should be in a psycosis, although am not...this is the most rational I've ever been...

[Eve]

Your husband, from brief mention in other threads sounds like a powerful man of the Lord. God Bless you both

 

There are so many points to your post that I want to touch on, although in bold- wow- for the past several years, this is all I run into. Heartache after heartache I feel done. IMO that is where God wants me to be as He is doing a major work right now. Eve, it is truly amazing (even though it hurts), there is deliverance left and right lately, God is really revealing Himself, and I didn't even ask in most cases- He knows my heart.

 

Lol, H has a very simple faith. He reminds me off Joyce Meyers Husband in terms of his faith. He doesn't complicate anything and means what he says. He spends time with God every morning just being thankful for the day and takes care of the birds in our garden with such affection. He loves the garden and never tires of simply spending time looking out for people in the community. He has shown me simplicity, which I so needed. My life has been full of people who have let me down, time and time again.

 

I feel for you. You remind me off my favourite brother who has been single now for over 10 years. He wants someone so much to share his life with. I lead him to the Lord in two parts. Last year he accepted Christ but still was trying to do things his way. Now he has accepted the covering of Christ and understands how important it is to connect with God I feel his love will appear shortly. He is at peace now - taken Christs rest and has finally stopped looking. We prayed together for his wife and he is a changed man.

 

Watch this space.

 

I really think that the changes that you are going through are happening all over the body of Christ. All of my family have been saved in the last year! Even my sister, who was previously unable to have children has had THE most beautiful baby girl in the last year and is seeking God with all off her heart. God is doing a mighty work right now. He is preparing us for something. I know He is.

 

I will certainly keep you in my heart and prayers - but remember, it's all about resting in the Lord. Pray for your future spouse. I do believe these things have an appointed time.

 

I am happy for you that you have kept going, even after all the let downs. God is dedicated to the broken hearted.

 

Pray for my favourite brother please. He is the male version of me and is seriously going to make some woman a fine fine Husband.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[TheFinalWord]

 

TFW, and all of the singles out there praying for a mate- my prayers are with you for the right mate.

 

As a side note, just want you to know that you mentioned in another thread that you were studying 1st and 2nd Cor, so started a bit of a study on that also...thank you, they are awesome books:D

 

Thanks PIH. I will take those prayers.

 

Hope you enjoy 2 Cor. It's my favorite epistle. It really lays out some of the meatier Christian philosophies. Some of the concepts I have not yet grasped. But I am learning (there is a lot about heart-based intentions and how those will be fully reified from this life to the next).

[angel.eyes]

Wow! I wasn’t sure what to expect when I asked my question. In fact, it took me a couple of days to get up the courage to post it. I’m so glad I did!

 

All your responses are so helpful. Thanks everyone for taking the time to respond. I’ll try to address each poster individually, but if I don’t, please don’t feel slighted. Understand that I took something from your post and it’s helping me with my internal debate!

[angel.eyes]

Thank you very much for the thoughtful response and the two videos. Both were very helpful. I don't have time to provide a detailed response right now, but I will come back and do so. Just wanted to let you know that I appreciate the time you took to respond and the response itself.

 

As promised, a more detailed response. Sorry for the delay, but I’ve been busier than I expected.

 

A little background: My parents are unequally yoked, and they have a happy, fulfilling marriage. My dad (a Catholic on paper) is far more supportive of my mother’s faith and beliefs than are their peers where both are believers. Far more loving and considerate of my mother’s needs too.

 

Being Christian alone, doesn’t seem sufficient when it comes to who makes a good husband or who will work with me to achieve what is described in Ephesians. I have seen Christian men mistreat and demean their wives and then abandon or divorce them. Granted we are all fallible, and I shouldn’t discount believers or base what I do on some Christians' sinful actions. I do have Christian friends who are married who are true models of a loving Christian marriage. For me that would be ideal.

 

Anyway, to bring it back to me. My ex was Christian. The attraction was pretty immediate when we first met. We were also a perfect match on all fronts. Very rare indeed. As I got to know him well, I was impressed by his knowledge of scripture and his commitment to living his faith. Going back to Ephesians, I knew I could depend on him to be the spiritual leader of our home if we married. But what I also learned was that he could be self-centered at times. Nice guy, cared about me, but he always put himself first. If he was doing this while we were just dating, what would happen when we married, and he got complacent? Could I really trust and defer to him in marriage as we're called to do when my wishes or needs were at best an afterthought, and generally not given consideration when I raised them? So, I broke up with him.

 

My BF, who prompted this thread, is Catholic--mass on Easter and Christmas. That's the extent of it. Very considerate, supportive and loving. He’s asked me about my faith, asked and attends church with me. Very respectful of my wishes in our relationship, even when he disagrees. A man of incredible integrity and character. Cliché, but being with him reminds me to be the best person I can be. We share most of the same values and have many of the same goals, despite being very different people. He’s not someone I would have ordinarily considered, but I’m glad I gave him a chance. I knew he was special on our first date and several months in, I felt very strongly I had found the person I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. Difficult to describe what that feels like, but that hasn’t changed. (He feels the same way too…felt it earlier than I did, in fact.)

 

Three things bothered me at the outset. Of those two remain concerns and have placed brakes on moving forward. He’s not a believer as I understand the term. Or is he? He considers himself Christian…but not “religious.” Who am I to judge what is really in another person’s heart? I don’t know. The other issue is that he’s divorced. I don’t see that as a viable option in my life. I take the concept of two becoming one very seriously. To me, marriage is a lifelong commitment and partnership, and like you, it’s the most important human relationship I will have. I don’t want to end up with someone who sees divorce as an easy solution instead of putting in the effort to work through marital challenges.

 

Anyway, I’m very confused. I don’t understand why I fell so deeply in love with a non-believer-type guy or why I feel so called to marry him. Should I move on and try again? Am I being too picky and unrealistic about what is acceptable? I don’t know. Should I have stuck it out with my ex and his selfishness? (It’s been a couple of years now, but he still wants me back.) I don’t know what to think. I find myself second guessing everything because I want to make the right decision. I'm just swirling in a sea of confusion at the moment.

 

What I do know is that unlike Paul, I am not meant to spend my entire adult Christian life as a single person. That’s not a spiritual gift I received.

[angel.eyes]

"Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness..." - Matthew 6:33

 

When we focus on God first, I think we find the answers we're looking for.

 

Thanks for the verse. I would like to think I live by that verse…at least I try. It’s why verses like 2 Corinthians 6:14 bother me so much at this stage of my life. Especially, in light of passages like 1 Corinthians 7:13-16.

 

Besides, is it still unequal yoking if faith is more central to one partner’s life than the other? I don’t know.

 

At any rate, I find it helpful to hear from other Christians as I try to work through God’s Word and what that means for me. Galatians 6:1-2.

 

I don’t have as good a grasp on the Scriptures as many others do. I am always amazed by what I learn from others. So, I’m looking to others to share their insights and wisdom as I try to muddle through my issues and concerns on dating and marriage.

 

Again, thanks for sharing your thoughts. That verse is so central to what we should be doing.

[angel.eyes]

When I came to belief I was not dating so much that it mattered. And my faith is the majority of my community still. Now my church considers my wife's church as part of us as we are an open communion one. However my wife's church considers us to be in a mixed marriage and there are certain rules she was supposed to follow.

 

If you can share, rules as in what you do in church? Or in how you approach your marriage and live your day-to-day lives? Has it affected how you raise your kids, if you have kids?

 

Thanks.

[angel.eyes]

Since you got such excellent advice from our other members, I'd like to touch on what is bolded.

 

I've been finding myself lately, when talking with friends that communicate they want a mate, asking them "why"? What are the reasons? Lonely? It's time?

 

Most of the answers I get are: I'm tired of being alone, I need help, I can't do this anymore, and many more similar to these answers.

 

These are not good answers IMO...of which I think are born out of stress or desparation or both. Certainly we all feel these ways sometimes, although why are we turning to man? Can man fix us? IMO, no.

 

Thanks for the questions. Great food for thought. Hopefully, I can answer them.

 

1. Need a man? No, I don’t need a man. I’m very independent and self-sufficient.
   
2. Lonely? No.
   
3. Tired? No.
   
4. Desperate? No.
   
5. Suddenly feeling as if I’m not fulfilling all aspects of my true life purpose? Yes.
   
6. Now looking to explore the rewards of being interdependent? Absolutely.
   

 

I almost got married in college. It didn’t feel right. Yes, I loved my then boyfriend dearly. He was a truly amazing person, and an inspiration for what being an honourable Christian guy meant. I didn’t want the relationship to end, but it also didn’t feel like the right step for me then. We’ve remained friends. He married his next girlfriend (a non-Christian BTW) and is the wonderful husband and father I knew he would be. That’s OK. I wasn’t ready. He seems happy. It all worked out.

 

I’ve had other opportunities since. It just never felt quite right. I was content being unmarried. When all my friends (men and women) in graduate school were worried and scrambling to find mates and start families, it wasn’t something that interested me. I didn’t care. My calling at the time lay within the career I chose, and I focused on that. I have lots of other interests besides building my career, and had an active social life. These remained my focus until recently. Most of my relationships ended because I was unwilling to marry.

 

About two years ago, I suddenly felt very called to be a wife and mother. I don’t know why. I just did. It’s as if a switch flipped or a light bulb went off.

 

Ironically, shortly after that happened, my pastor did a series on Ephesians. Usually, I’m very closed off to “traditional” interpretations of that book. I’m a big proponent of egalitarianism, but for some reason I opened my heart and as a result have rethought what matters in a partner and the point of marriage. If I am going to mirror Christ’s relationship with the Church in marriage, then finding a truly Christian partner, not just a good, honourable, loving man to date becomes critical. It also helped that I had a new small group leader at that time. He and his wife are an incredible example of a true Christian marriage. There is a level of connection, because of their shared commitment and desire to be like Christ that isn’t present in even my parents’ marriage. They are also a reminder that I am missing out on a key aspect of living a Christian life. I now feel incomplete, unfulfilled, and as if I’m not carrying out a big chunk of what I was meant to accomplish in this life. I feel as if I took a rest stop and stayed, and now I’m being nudged back out to continue my journey until I’ve completed what I was intended to do.

 

 

The question I would ask you is, is God ready for you to have a mate? Is this His will?

I look at the ways I have changed, and I think God has prepared me to be a good mate, especially over the last few years. It’s what He wants for me.

 

My suggestion would be to wait on God, He will send the right person at the right time- God is never late and always on time, and moreso than not, it's rarely ever our time, although His timing is always perfect.

 

If you want, ask God to make it plain and clear-

 

This is from one who has been down this road more times than I care to admit...AND even if they are Christian, it doesn't mean that person is right for you...

 

God Bless you love (((((hugs))))

God is indeed wise in His timing. The question is whether he expects us to passively sit back and wait, or to take an active role in carrying out His will. I don't know the answer to that.

 

I read a book a few years ago, when I had this sudden change of heart--How to Get a Date Worth Keeping by Dr. Henry Cloud, a Christian psychologist who focuses on relationships. He disagrees with passively waiting. He advocates taking an active role in fulfilling God’s will for you. I can't do the book justice in a few sentences. It's certainly a worthwhile book for those who are dating and looking a a long-term relationship leading to marriage. It's written for both Christians and non-Christians, but you'll get a lot more out of it, if you are a Christian.

[angel.eyes]

Very good point PIH! More than one awesome Christian woman I have dated, ended up not being the match for either of us. It's okay. That is what dating is for The main thing is, "wait on the Lord". It can be hard, but yet satisfying at the same time. Just to place one's life into God's hands.

 

That is sort of the theme, lately, I am sensing. The past couple of months, I felt, "poor in spirit" was the theme. Now, it's wait on the Lord.

 

I also think it is good to study the entire chapter that goes along with the unequally yoked passage. It puts things into perspective; especially 2 Cor. 6:4-10.

 

Playing II Corinthians 6 by Alexander Scourby - picosong

 

I guess the theme for me recently is "please give me guidance":)

[angel.eyes]

It's entirely dependant on the attitudes of both parties.

 

If it is going to be a source of conflict, then it's doomed. If one or both have the unstated expectation on the other to change, it's doomed. If neither party is honest, it's doomed. If they haven't had all the necessary discussions upfront about how the kids will be raised, it's doomed.

 

It can work, but obviously both need to be open to the idea and accepting of each other as they are. But that's really just a sensible pre-requisite for any aspect of their lives. It's just that religious differences are harder than most to reconcile.

 

It's not an open-and-shut case. Your mileage may vary.

quickjoe, I certainly agree that marriages between people of differing beliefs can work. I’m the product of one myself.

 

I have never tried to change anyone I’ve dated. Nor have I expected anyone to change for me. I accept and love people as they are, where they are. I would not look to marry someone expecting them to change. I also don’t believe in asking someone to convert to a particular religion prior to marriage. In my mind, that’s pointless. At the end of the day, it’s what’s in your heart and what you truly believe that matters, not what you felt pressured to list on a piece of paper or verbally claim.

 

Anyway, while “unequal yoking” can be very successful, as Eve points out, those marriages miss a level of depth..."of spirit"...that can only occur within a truly Christian marriage. That's something I've started to realize since I'm suddenly around a lot of models of strong Christian marriages.

 

As many times as I had read Ephesians 5:22-33, it wasn’t until a couple of years ago, that I fully appreciated what it was saying and how it gets lived. Until then, I had interpreted it from a fairly secular mindset and my reflex reaction, was: Why would I ever carte-blanche submit to some guy who might selfishly take advantage of that? Who chooses to be a doormat? But that’s not at all what the passage is about. It’s not about power or power struggles in a relationship. Quite the opposite in fact. It’s about love, trust, and respect for each other. Ephesians 5:25 and 5:28 in particular, have an entirely different meaning when you put it in the context of what Christ did out of pure love for the Church and what we as Christians are called to do ourselves. It’s about servant leadership in a way.

 

So now, I’m faced with additional criteria to consider in picking who to date and marry. It’s the reason I’m torn. It's not that I wouldn't be successful. It's whether I'm truly following God's will for me. It's also whether I would be cheated out of a deeper relationship if I married a non-believer.

[angel.eyes]

Eve, Thanks so much for your posts. You have no idea how helpful these were. I've been wondering whether I was sinning and just trying to justify bad choices, but perhaps not.

 

My Husband was not a committed Christian when I met him but had been raised with Christian principles. We both felt strongly that we had been lead to each other and he was not resistant to my one wish - that we pray together. He saw for himself through this and came to Christ and was baptised of his own will. I don't think it would have worked for us if he had not been open to prayer as he would have not been open to God.

What a fantastic idea! I hadn't thought of praying together. I've been careful to let my BF's curiosity and interest prompt him to join me in things, rather than suggesting them. For example, he was the one who suggested coming to church with me.

 

We spend most of our free time together, but I've simply foregone overtly praying around him because I didn't want him to feel uncomfortable. I think I'll stop worrying about that!

 

Previously, I had been out with a couple of people who had strong ties to Christianity but no root in themselves. I thought I could see a lot of light in them but they just wanted to take, take, take all the time. They had nothing to give and did not understand how to really share themselves. So for me, it didn't work. They were quite happy though. I would have suffocated if I had stayed, so I left.

This is in part, why I previously never took a guy's faith into consideration. Being a Christian didn't necessarily mean the person was capable of being a good boyfriend or partner.

 

I have seen the change also in my eldest brother who was always an athiest but married a Christian woman. He respected her faith and would attend Church with her and is now a Christian.

It's examples like this and verses such as 1 Corinthians 7:16 that leave me confused. My boyfriend is fairly open and interested in trying to understand why my faith matters to me and the role it plays in my life.

 

Besides, I'm strong enough in my faith that I am not going to be swayed off the path by a non-believer...I don't think anyway.

 

All in all, I guess it depends on whether it is actually about being lead by faith or two people choosing to be together. There is a definite difference felt by those who are within the faith. The primary difference I have experienced in my marriage is that Hubby and I really are one - with God being our centre. I can trust him completely and he me. Previously it was about maintaining biological needs. There was no spirit in the relationship.

 

That was not enough for me so I prayed my H into my life.

 

Take care,

Eve x

I bolded the bit that raises an important question for me to reflect on.

 

Again, thanks for sharing.

[TheFinalWord]

As promised, a more detailed response. Sorry for the delay, but I’ve been busier than I expected.

 

A little background: My parents are unequally yoked, and they have a happy, fulfilling marriage. My dad (a Catholic on paper) is far more supportive of my mother’s faith and beliefs than are their peers where both are believers. Far more loving and considerate of my mother’s needs too.

 

Thanks for your time. Sorry, I am posting on a mobile, so this is not as well thought out as I would like. But I hope it provides you with some assistance...

 

Definitely! I know many couples in the same situation as your parents. All I can say is, that is something that works for them. For me, I would not marry to an unbeliever; even if it means I remain single (John 13:37-38).

 

I know that there are people that can have a great marriage while being unequally yoked, differing religions, etc. However, that is not for me. Maybe it is just my age (early 30s), but I just do not have desire to enter into a relationship leading to marriage if there are any reservations. But if that is what you decide is best for you, I wish you a great future. Truly, I do.

 

For me, marriage is about two people bringing their God-given visions together as one. For myself, I don't know how to do that if we are unequally yoked (i.e. one of the people does not believe God has given them a purpose for their life, but the other person does). And believe me, it's not for want of trying. lol For example, if I have ministry X, and my spouse does not care about ministry at all. How are we supposed to advance God's Kingdom? I would be more effective as a single in that situation. Of course, I do not want to be single. But marriage is not about me and what I want. At the core, it is for advancing God's Kingdom. That to me is how you have a foundation of selflessness in a Christian marriage... not about me, me, me, but the Lord. It's about how my wife and I can become one flesh and, hence a force for the Kingdom of God that has twice the power of what I could do alone.

 

Here is an illustration of equally yoked oxen:

 

Definition of Yoke

 

These two will pull the weight together, get through hard times, stay focused on the end goal (Jesus) and become twice as powerful working together. Could a marriage still work without this equal yoking? Yes, you can have a marriage that works, has love, great life, but if we are unequally yoked and going in different directions (Christians that are not meant to be married, Christian with an unbeliever)...

 

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-8ssTwxqrCtY/Txb1HtEKXOI/AAAAAAAALf8/yivpUfoLVew/s1600/yoke.png

 

How are we going to accomplish the purpose God has for us, if we are not even in agreement that God exists, vision, theology? Worse yet, what if I abandon my God-give purpose for the sake of an unbelieving spouse's desire (i.e. I am supposed to ministry X, but my spouse does not care about that and wants my time for other things)? For me, I would rather have the same yoke (Jesus: Matt 11:30), going in the same direction (Matt 7:14), and both looking straight forward (Mark 8:34-35).

 

Being Christian alone, doesn’t seem sufficient when it comes to who makes a good husband or who will work with me to achieve what is described in Ephesians. I have seen Christian men mistreat and demean their wives and then abandon or divorce them. Granted we are all fallible, and I shouldn’t discount believers or base what I do on some Christians' sinful actions. I do have Christian friends who are married who are true models of a loving Christian marriage. For me that would be ideal.

Absolutely agree with your post! Too many Christian singles get married, and base it only on the fact that they are both Christians and physically attracted, and that is basically it. For me, that is not a good approach. Marriage is work, and I absolutely agree that just being a Christian is not enough. To me, that's just the bare minimum I have dated many wonderful Christian women, that were very spiritual, but just not compatible with me for marriage. Yes, you are also right that there are Christian husbands that abuse their role.

 

And like you said, not just being a Christian, but also sharing a common vision, theologies, ideas about raising children, financial philosophies, communication styles, etc. There are a lot of areas that are fundamental, that I do not desire to compromise in. No, I do not expect someone perfect (I'm not haha), but I need to be in agreement with my wife on the essentials. Too many marriages end due to finances and communication issues, so to me those are just as critical.

 

For example, one Christian women I dated, was very spiritual, pretty, had many amazing talents...but we just did not have the same vision for life. Also, our theologies differed. She was a very staunch Calvinist and I am just...not. I'm nondenominational and while I appreciate great biblical teaching, I study independently and rarely ever agree with any pastor more than 90%. It was going to cause drama with child rearing and I just decided, no, she would be better for someone else.

 

Another Christian woman, very frugal, attractive, funny, but we just did not have similar communication styles. Many more I could list, but these were all great women, with much to offer, but we did not agree in some essential areas. However, both agreeing that Jesus needed to be the center of any future marriage was never an issue. Other unbelieving women, I have tried that and something was just missing for me. There was this huge part of me, that this woman could not relate to. Believe me, I wanted it to. One woman was stunningly beautiful, smart, fun, but not a believer. We both agreed, it was not working.

 

Anyway, to bring it back to me. My ex was Christian. The attraction was pretty immediate when we first met. We were also a perfect match on all fronts. Very rare indeed. As I got to know him well, I was impressed by his knowledge of scripture and his commitment to living his faith. Going back to Ephesians, I knew I could depend on him to be the spiritual leader of our home if we married. But what I also learned was that he could be self-centered at times. Nice guy, cared about me, but he always put himself first. If he was doing this while we were just dating, what would happen when we married, and he got complacent? Could I really trust and defer to him in marriage as we're called to do when my wishes or needs were at best an afterthought, and generally not given consideration when I raised them? So, I broke up with him.

 

No, I have dated someone like that. I know what you mean by the selfishness and I know what you mean about second guessing yourself. I got out just like you, and I know God basically said "this is done, cut it off" (I prayed for a clear sign and got it; I would actually recommend this. It was something I felt prompted to pray for a while, but waited to do so because of fear that I would end up never getting married). Like I said, I think many Christians get married because both are Christians and attracted to each other, and they think things will just work themselves out. I do not think that is a wise approach. It's better to take things slowly, wait on the Lord, and ensure a marriage is not based on loneliness, desperation, etc. I know because I've been in that spot. Which is why I've made peace with the entire situation.

 

My BF, who prompted this thread, is Catholic--mass on Easter and Christmas. That's the extent of it. Very considerate, supportive and loving. He’s asked me about my faith, asked and attends church with me. Very respectful of my wishes in our relationship, even when he disagrees. A man of incredible integrity and character. Cliché, but being with him reminds me to be the best person I can be. We share most of the same values and have many of the same goals, despite being very different people. He’s not someone I would have ordinarily considered, but I’m glad I gave him a chance. I knew he was special on our first date and several months in, I felt very strongly I had found the person I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. Difficult to describe what that feels like, but that hasn’t changed. (He feels the same way too…felt it earlier than I did, in fact.)

 

Three things bothered me at the outset. Of those two remain concerns and have placed brakes on moving forward. He’s not a believer as I understand the term. Or is he? He considers himself Christian…but not “religious.” Who am I to judge what is really in another person’s heart? I don’t know. The other issue is that he’s divorced. I don’t see that as a viable option in my life. I take the concept of two becoming one very seriously. To me, marriage is a lifelong commitment and partnership, and like you, it’s the most important human relationship I will have. I don’t want to end up with someone who sees divorce as an easy solution instead of putting in the effort to work through marital challenges.

 

Well, I cannot tell you exactly what you should do. I do think there is a reason, deep down, that you are having these reservations. But only you can decide what to do. I would not rush anything, if you are having doubts. I have found if wise to never ignore my gut instinct.

 

Anyway, I’m very confused. I don’t understand why I fell so deeply in love with a non-believer-type guy or why I feel so called to marry him. Should I move on and try again? Am I being too picky and unrealistic about what is acceptable? I don’t know. Should I have stuck it out with my ex and his selfishness? (It’s been a couple of years now, but he still wants me back.) I don’t know what to think. I find myself second guessing everything because I want to make the right decision. I'm just swirling in a sea of confusion at the moment.

 

I do not know you well enough to answer that, but I do not that I have been in the same spot. Absolutely smitten by an unbeliever. But I knew deep down, something was missing. It was a real test of faith to let it go (faith in God is always easy when things are going great, until our deepest personal desires are being asked to be placed on the altar). Looking back, I am 100% confident I made the right choice. I pray that whatever you decide, it will be the right choice for you.

 

What I do know is that unlike Paul, I am not meant to spend my entire adult Christian life as a single person. That’s not a spiritual gift I received.

 

Me either haha but just something to think about, if God did have it for you to remain single, would you accept it? Not something you have to answer here, but I know many Christians that have gotten married to the wrong person because they got desperate. I can understand that, but it is just not for me. Hope this helps. I will pray for you God bless!

Edited April 12, 2013 by TheFinalWord

[pie2]

If I am going to mirror Christ’s relationship with the Church in marriage, then finding a truly Christian partner, not just a good, honourable, loving man to date becomes critical. It also helped that I had a new small group leader at that time. He and his wife are an incredible example of a true Christian marriage. There is a level of connection, because of their shared commitment and desire to be like Christ that isn’t present in even my parents’ marriage. They are also a reminder that I am missing out on a key aspect of living a Christian life. I now feel incomplete, unfulfilled, and as if I’m not carrying out a big chunk of what I was meant to accomplish in this life. I feel as if I took a rest stop and stayed, and now I’m being nudged back out to continue my journey until I’ve completed what I was intended to do.

 

I feel like, deep down, you know the answer to your question...

 

[pureinheart]

 

I look at the ways I have changed, and I think God has prepared me to be a good mate, especially over the last few years. It’s what He wants for me.

 

 

 

Awesome response GF! I wanted to take this tidbit from an amazing post. You know what a total trip is- it's just been the last few days that I am seeing an open heaven as far as a mate goes!

 

No lie, I was so against this for my life- God has made a much better husband than what I've experienced and was sincerely done.

 

There were some things in my life holding me back, and was recently delivered from those things...and I mean D-E-L-I-V-E-R-E-D, with a capitol D.

 

Now with that want to say that I'm not gonna run out "looking" because that's not who I've ever been. If it happens and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt with God making it plain and clear.

 

Hey you go girl!!!!!!!! GBU Love!

[pureinheart]

I read a book a few years ago, when I had this sudden change of heart--How to Get a Date Worth Keeping by Dr. Henry Cloud, a Christian psychologist who focuses on relationships. He disagrees with passively waiting. He advocates taking an active role in fulfilling God’s will for you. I can't do the book justice in a few sentences. It's certainly a worthwhile book for those who are dating and looking a a long-term relationship leading to marriage. It's written for both Christians and non-Christians, but you'll get a lot more out of it, if you are a Christian.

 

Has anyone given you a word from the Lord concerning this matter?

 

A very wise man about eight years ago told me that God was going to drop someone in my lap, and that I would have to do nothing. Not to mention the power when he spoke those words, of which he repeated several times, but that coincides with my personality too- my "knower" knew it was the truth.

 

Ok, now you've read this book already ...what does it suggest for people like me who absolutely will not under any circumstance, make the first move?