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Full of mercy, but conflict with forgiveness


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If someone has wronged you, do you feel obligated to forgive them if they ask for forgiveness? Will we be punished if you hold back from forgiving?

 

My ex is begging me to forgive him while I am doing NC. I will have to break NC to forgive him and it is not in my heart to forgive him since I am not over the pain he has caused. At the same time I don't know if I will be punished by God if I don't so I feel confused and conflicted and want to do the right thing.

 

What are your thoughts? He's already ruined my life enough here on earth. I don't want not forgiving him to ruin my afterlife as well, so I don't know if it makes sense that I have to forgive someone without feeling it in my heart to do so, if it is wrong that I feel that way to begin with and if instead I should be feeling forgiving if I am a good person.

 

Do I just forgive and get it over with and face the consequences of having broken NC and for him to have the satisfaction that he has gotten away with what he wronged me with?

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If you are still this confused about the whole thing then you should stay in NC. You are obviously not emotionally detached enough yet. And it is not like you have to keep some kind of "forgiveness timeline" and honestly forgiving simply out of some religious reason I personally think is a load of crap. You forgive someone because that is what you feel you need to do and then you move on.

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It sounds like you are not religious, so if I wasn't either, then I would choose not to, but I am tormented from a religious point of view...

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I guess it depends on how you define forgiveness. For me personally, forgiveness isn't even really about the other person. If someone has done me wrong and I feel hurt, *I'M* the one feeling the hurt, they can't possibly feel what I'm feeling.

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well... If you are truly as religious as you claim then I would think you have a number of other things to worry about.

 

Are you using your "religious torment" just as an excuse for breaking NC?

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Sorry, I hit the post button by mistake :bunny: but I hadn't finished my message.....

 

I guess it depends on how you define forgiveness. For me personally, forgiveness isn't even really about the other person. If someone has done me wrong and I feel hurt, *I'M* the one feeling the hurt, they can't possibly feel what I'm feeling. Forgiveness isn't about letting the other person off the hook for their behavior, it's not about saying what you did was OK or acceptable. Forgiveness is about letting yourself off the emotional hook, not getting up everyday and feeling like crap about them or what's happened. Doesn't sound like you're there, which is fine. You can't give what you haven't got.

 

I don't know about the religious aspect, so I wont go there. But that's my definition of forgivenss.

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I guess it depends on how you define forgiveness. For me personally, forgiveness isn't even really about the other person. If someone has done me wrong and I feel hurt, *I'M* the one feeling the hurt, they can't possibly feel what I'm feeling.

 

But when the other person asks for forgiveness, that means they now feel bad about having wronged the victim, and they will feel better if I 'forgive' them as in saying I will no longer hold it against you. Of course if they hadn't asked for forgiveness, then it would be more about me and my feelings with less weight placed on the issue of forgiving.

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well... If you are truly as religious as you claim then I would think you have a number of other things to worry about.

 

Are you using your "religious torment" just as an excuse for breaking NC?

 

No, in fact I honestly don't want to break NC, that's why I am so tormented. If I was looking for an excuse to break it, this would've been perfect and I would've jumped at the chance to let him know either way. But if I do forgive, it will be via email because no way am I at a point to want to talk or see him even though he wanted to discuss it over dinner. If I break NC, it will be for religious reasons so that I will release him of his guilt, and I will not be guilty in God's eyes of refusing to forgive, so I feel very conflicted since I don't feel he deserves the forgiveness and just saying that I feel like I am sinning.

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From a religious perspective, forgiveness has to come from the heart. If you're not ready to forgive him, how is this possible? Saying the words or writing to words to him, won't change anything.

 

Hope that makes sense.

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Sorry, I hit the post button by mistake :bunny: but I hadn't finished my message.....

 

I guess it depends on how you define forgiveness. For me personally, forgiveness isn't even really about the other person. If someone has done me wrong and I feel hurt, *I'M* the one feeling the hurt, they can't possibly feel what I'm feeling. Forgiveness isn't about letting the other person off the hook for their behavior, it's not about saying what you did was OK or acceptable. Forgiveness is about letting yourself off the emotional hook, not getting up everyday and feeling like crap about them or what's happened. Doesn't sound like you're there, which is fine. You can't give what you haven't got.

 

I don't know about the religious aspect, so I wont go there. But that's my definition of forgivenss.

 

Oh thanks for your definition. I think if I defined it that way, once I was over it, I wouldn't feel a need to share it with him. I'd keep it to myself. To me forgiveness is given to someone who repents and asks for it. If they have wronged another person, they can't ask God to forgive them, only the person they wronged can forgive, which is why he is asking me to forgive him.

 

By witholding it from him, I feel like I am doing something wrong, but if I were to grant the forgiveness, I feel like it would not be genuine since it is still not in my heart to forgive him, but if God will hold it against me for not doing so, then I will but I just don't know.

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From a religious perspective, forgiveness has to come from the heart. If you're not ready to forgive him, how is this possible? Saying the words or writing to words to him, won't change anything.

 

Hope that makes sense.

 

Actually that makes a lot of sense. If I write it to him without meaning it, it will be like a false forgiveness. I don't know though if I will be considered a bad person and punishable by God for not granting the forgiveness. I wish I could let go and feel forgiving so I feel like a bad person for not being at that level.

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Actually that makes a lot of sense. If I write it to him without meaning it, it will be like a false forgiveness. I don't know though if I will be considered a bad person and punishable by God for not granting the forgiveness. I wish I could let go and feel forgiving so I feel like a bad person for not being at that level.

Exactly. It's meaningless to both God and yourself.

 

Fun, you will eventually let go and forgive when you're ready. You've got a big heart.

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Part of the conflict comes from feeling like a hypocrite. I ask God to forgive me for things that I do wrong, yet here I am in a position where someone is coming for me for forgiveness and I am witholding it from them. I've read God forgives immediately and forgives you according to the amount you forgive others, so i feel like I should forgive, and feel like something is wrong with me for not feeling it coming naturally and easily to do so, as it seems like a nice thing to do, so I don't know if it is best to do it even if it is not coming from the heart completely, kind of like paying taxes without necessarily feeling like doing so.

 

I was thinking of starting a thread on how I should word the forgiveness to him in an email, without opening a door to get a response back.

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I think the priority should be to first find a way to get yourself to a place where you are able to forgive, because it does not sound like you are at that place yet. Take care of yourself first and don't feel under pressure to forgive. There is no point in telling him something you don't truly mean.

 

I don't see how working on yourself to obtain distance from him before you forgive anything is in conflict with any religious beliefs.

 

Saying you forgive someone and not meaning it doesn't really count if you are worried about God keeping score.

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This might help look at it another way. Do you really believe in your heart of hearts that whatever he said or did that was improper, inappropriate, wrong - whatever, was intentionally to hurt you, to purposefully give you grief, to reek havoc on you and your life?. Or do you think he was just being an imperfect human? (I dunno, does God accept we're imperfect?). What do you think his intention was?. Do you think perhaps you had too high expectation(s) of him?.

 

Sooner or later everyone you know is going to disappoint you, big or small. It's inevitable coz no one is perfect. Sure there's some messed up people who's only mission in life is to inflict their own pain onto you by any means, but the rest of us are just doing the best we can, sometimes we screw up, but at heart we're good.

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I don't see how working on yourself to obtain distance from him before you forgive anything is in conflict with any religious beliefs.

 

That would imply I have the option to never forgive him. What if I never get over the hurt? I am also concerned considering he will be flying on 9/11 which raises the thought that what if something were to happen and one of us died and I never forgave. That would haunt me and possibly harm me and ruin all chance forever.

 

 

Saying you forgive someone and not meaning it doesn't really count if you are worried about God keeping score.

 

it's not so much about keeping score, than it is trying to figure out what the right and best thing to do is.

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This might help look at it another way. Do you really believe in your heart of hearts that whatever he said or did that was improper, inappropriate, wrong - whatever, was intentionally to hurt you, to purposefully give you grief, to reek havoc on you and your life?. Or do you think he was just being an imperfect human? (I dunno, does God accept we're imperfect?). What do you think his intention was?. Do you think perhaps you had too high expectation(s) of him?.

 

That's also something I am thinking a lot about. The things he did which I feel not forgiving of were not meant to unintentionally hurt me. He wanted me to meet a girl I suspected he was having a fling with, so things went downhill from there. I got mad that he could ask such a thing from me, and there are lots of other stuff, but the thought of that one thing is something that hurts me the most that I have been unable to let go of compared to everything else. He is a very nice person and his intentions are always good but he did too many things that even though unintentionally, ended up hurting me a lot.

 

Sooner or later everyone you know is going to disappoint you, big or small. It's inevitable coz no one is perfect. Sure there's some messed up people who's only mission in life is to inflict their own pain onto you by any means, but the rest of us are just doing the best we can, sometimes we screw up, but at heart we're good.

 

Well these are good things to take into account, the fact that he didn't do the things intentionally. It bothers me that it took HIM so long to ask for forgiveness, even though all along he has continuously been making efforts to get me to talk to him again. Maybe I should do it and get it over with.

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If someone has wronged you, do you feel obligated to forgive them if they ask for forgiveness?
Yes, I do.
Will we be punished if you hold back from forgiving?
Good question. In my mind, I think we will be. But it's more like a Father being disappointed in their children, rather than us getting a whippin'.
I will have to break NC to forgive him
No you don't. You can forgive him, without him even knowing about it. Your actions should be the tell all.
and it is not in my heart to forgive him since I am not over the pain he has caused.
The pain won't, and can't go away until you do.
he has gotten away with what he wronged me with?
He hasn't gotten away with ANYTHING. You must remember who ultimately deals Justice. Vengeance is His.

 

I think the whole crux of it is that we have to remember how Christ suffered to take away our sins, and gained FORGIVENESS for us.

 

Although He could've EASILY come down from that cross, He didn't. He asked God to, "forgive them, for they know not what they do".

 

Your ex doesn't need an email. Or a phone call. You do not have to break NC.

 

What you should do, is forgive him. Maybe not so much forget, but forgive and move on.....

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