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I'm not sure what I'm about to write here because this is a can of worms I've stepped away from for a long time. This post is likely to be long too.

 

Since I was in my early to mid teens, I always felt something was missing in my life. I was a very bright child and brought up within a large Irish Catholic family. My Mother, although she's Catholic now, was Scottish Protestant at the time. As you can imagine this caused a ruckus between the Grandparents. To cut a long story short, I had a very religious childhood, being schooled at Church of England schools and attending mass and children's services for the Catholic church. Consequently, I attended church probably 5 days out of 7. It was a lot. Overkill probably.

 

By the time I went to high school (still a protestant school) I rebelled. It wasn't that I didn't believe in God. I just didn't like the packaging. Even to this day I have my beliefs and I don't believe in any of the packaging... any of the 'religions'. I can't explain it...it's a very personal thing for me. Please don't condemn me for not buying into the teachings and scriptures of the faiths I was raised under. My parents understand me and that's all that matters to me.

 

Anyhow, five years ago, I was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer. I underwent chemotherapy, surgery and radiotherapy. I was very sick. I almost died due to an infection that the radiation burns gave me. I was 32 at the time. At that time I felt deep emotional trauma. I'd been pushed so far outside life, I wasn't sure how to feel part of it again. I know people get cancer every day and people live. But 'people' aren't me. I dealt with it (in my eyes) very badly. I grieved for the life that I lost because I was happy. I was bereft of all emotion. I couldn't reach people. I felt incredible turmoil inside me and I didn't know what it was or how to quiet it. The sights and sounds of life around me were too much and so, I 'caved'. My relationship at the time failed because of it. I couldn't reach out. I couldn't connect. I didn't know why.

 

Just recently, I've been through a break-up and one of the things I noticed is that I'm not really that sad about losing the guy...because he was bad for me. But it is another loss and that old feeling of turmoil had resurfaced. Recently (like yesterday) I realised it had never gone away. When I was sick, I went to church and I sat through service after service. I didn't feel anything. I talked with the priest and he couldn't understand the idea of spiritual turmoil and he didn't know what to say to make it better. I never went back. The only religions I knew, I turned to and yet they couldn't help me.

 

Now, I find myself with a problem that I feel like this turmoil is because something is missing, I don't know what it is. But it's like I'm restless inside. I need answers but I don't know what the questions are. I wish I could walk into a church or a temple and 'find' religion. But my logical and scientific brain won't let me just suspend my beliefs of the material physical world around me.

 

I don't know what I'm looking for. I don't know what it is that I'm feeling.

 

I just need to ask, has anyone else felt like this..? :(

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I just need to ask, has anyone else felt like this..?
Oh yes. Millions have. You're not alone, and you never will be.
But my logical and scientific brain won't let me just suspend my beliefs of the material physical world around me.
Seems this, "bug" is going around. But noone can blame you. We're all guilty of putting the tangible at the front of the line when it comes to believing something.
But it's like I'm restless inside.
Do you mind if I ask a personal question? What does this feel like? For example, when I experienced this, it was as if I had this huge debt to pay and I was being pressured into having to pay it now. And I wouldn't get any rest unless it was done and over with.

 

The problem is there was no way for me to pay it. It was impossible. There wouldn't be anyway to make all parties involved satisfied...so I seperate myself from them, and they from me, .....is this close to what you feel?

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You know Moose, I don't know that I'd describe it as a debt as such that I need to pay. But it is definitely a feeling of something not quite right or not being resolved. I can identify big time with the 'separating myself' from everything. That's what has happened to me right now. I've been on vacation leave from work for nearly 5 weeks and I can count on one hand the number of people I have spoken to in that time. It's like I can only get some peace when there is no emotional insistence from anyone else, be that whatever form it comes in. That also brings it's own disappointments too because I'm usually a very giving person. I don't know the answers, but it's nice to know I'm not alone.

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HI, Chinook

 

I don't know why the turmoil in you. But I have similar experience. When my logic brain and spirit have a battle, I feel this turmoil in me, even now and then my logic brain try to win over the spirit. You know, like Holy Spirit told me to do something, something go agaist all odds, because of fear, my logic brain try to persuade me not to do, because logic brain deal with tangible world, easy to understand to everyone, but Holy Spirit deal with faith, intangible world, so difficult to understand for us.

 

When the logic brain win over, big trouble came to me. I felt restless, numb, no enthusiasm, like I am dying away each day. So I return to Spirit, surrender to Holy Spirit, then I feel vivid and good again. It is a constant progress. The more I follow Holy Spirit, the more I feel wonderful, I feel I am on the right path that God planed for me. I wish I am NOT so fearful sometimes, I wish I can just surrender to Lord competely and trust him completely.

 

Sounds like HE is calling you :)

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Lonelybird I know you mean well but I don't know what 'surrender to the Holy Spirit' means. Even if there was some terminology outside of church or religion I could equate it with. I understand that you're saying 'just have faith' but my problem is that I do have faith, I have faith in life, in love, in human nature...but it doesn't seem to be enough.

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Have you tried to talk to Lord? like in a quiet place, pray and talk to HIm, then probably you will get answer in your heart, and you know the answer come from Lord :)

 

Oh, "surrender" I mean "don't resist, and open your heart". Lord is going to catch you. When I resist the small voice inside of me, I don't feel good.

 

You feel restless probably Holy Spirit try to get something through your mind, but you resisted because of logic

 

just my two cents :)

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I know what you're saying. I really do. I just don't know what it means relative to me. If that makes any sense. Thankyou for trying anyhow, every last little bit helps...just talking and naming the problem helps a little.

 

It's really late here, I should go to bed. G'night. :)

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When you say your faith in life and love isn't enough, is that not enough for you personally or that others around you are demanding more?

 

I think that religion is and ought to be a very personal thing; it's between the individual and whatever higher power they acknowledge. Everybody is coming from their own experiences and unique needs, so religion ought to be flexible enough to cater to everybody. Forcing one interpretation of religion upon everybody else is the height of narrow-minded folly.

 

From what I read, you are looking externally for answers. You look to other people and religions for something that will bring peace, and they can't. I suggest, at least for a while, a change of strategy. Look within yourself for the answers you seek.

 

One thing about life is that it is full of things that we have no control over. In fact, we have control over nothing except our own minds. If you master your mind, then there isn't much the world can do to you.

 

Have a bit of faith in you.

 

Cheers,

D.

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you have been through probably one of the worst nightmare someone can go through... no wonder you're feeling like that.

 

If I were you I would see my doctor... maybe you need a little 'booster'.

This sounds like 'depression' I might be wrong...but that feeling of emptyness could be a sign.

 

Take care...

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Hi Lizzie, thanks for your insight with that. I was treated for clinical depression pretty much as soon as the treatment finished four years ago. The Doctor gave me the theory that the chemotherapy messed up the brain chemistry. I don't think I'm clinically depressed. I'm still eating well, sleeping well in a regular pattern, I'm still participating in life and generally being okay. It's just spiritually I feel like I'm a little bruised and something is missing. I'm not sure what it is. I think Disgracian may have hit on something though. My mind is always busy... always moving forward and I guess that was one of the features of being sick, 'must finish treatment' which then turned into 'must go back to work' etc. I think maybe I need to just stop and think and maybe meditate a little and have some quiet time. I'm working on that. I don't think for me, meds are the answer. My Doc has referred me to a counsellor as I wasn't counselled when I was sick. So, maybe that will help too.

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I'm not sure if what I will say will help.

You begin in your religious background and admit you lost your feelings.

I think most of us reach some sort of "burn out" stage.

It's drummed in and pounded in and after a while it becomes bland.

You need to forget first about your religious teachings and come to terms with what you feel is YOUR personal beliefs.

Forget the bible verses. Forget what you've been told. Instead listen to yourself, your heart and your body.

Believe...that's right, BELIEF you are one and have the power to heal yourself.

*please no religious freaks telling me I'm wrong*

We have the power. We can heal and cure by creating positive energy and learning to control and focus

Have you heard of "The Secret"? There is a small 25 minute video of this on You Tube.

It's also called "Laws of Attraction." The more positive thoughts you feel and project, the energy will attract back to you. You've see how this works when you're depressed and sick.

Even in religion all you have to do is ask. Yet if you keep telling yourself you're worthless and sick... will never get anywhere in life... The magic Jeannie appears and says your wish is my command.

With this POWER we can ... in believing... we can project to others.

 

This concept goes into depth and teaches you how to become rich, famous and have all your dreams and desires at your feet.

For me, I was unhappy too long. All I want is to continue to feel my joy of life. For me it is enough.

 

In 2002 I went under a life threatening surgery that should have kept me in the hospital for a minimum of a month.

I was out in a week because I believed I could heal my body. I gave myself the opportunity to welcome the good flow of energy. I refused pain medication which would dull my senses. And I trusted the power of the Good.

 

Give yourself the freedom to believe. This can happen.

I believe in God.

I DON'T believe in Churches.

God has rules and I take what I can into my heart and my mind and know this is the POWER. Know I can touch it.

Know God does not make things bad for you. He is ONLY good. YOU are the worse disciplinarian. Bad things happen because you feel YOU deserve it.

*I dislike religious threads and hope I haven't turned this into one

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Hi Zona

 

I think maybe what you describe is how I believe it too. I think maybe I should try to articulate what those beliefs are. I'm not sure I've ever done this with myself before. Like you, I don't believe in the churches or religion, to me that's packaging and I don't like any of it.

 

What I do believe in, is light and life, energy and love. I believe that all of life, human beings, animals, rocks, stone, grass and trees etc...all of it is a make-up of light and energy. Everything in the world around us is made of energy. That's why when we die, the life spirit, moves to another place, I have no idea what that place is. Meanwhile the body, the shell decomposes and either rejoins the earth or it is cremated and rejoins the earth that way, either way, it rejoins the energy cycle.

 

I have no way to prove this and no idea if this is in any of the religions taught in the world today. But I believe that what that light and energy means is that it's everywhere around us, the air we breathe, the water we drink, the life we wander through each day. In that light and energy is a life force, something suffused with power...we are part of it and it is part of us. I believe this is the being which guides us and we guide life day-to-day. I don't believe there is a one diety or being which is responsible for us...it is everything and we are part of it (not sure I'm making sense here). I'm not sure that there is a conscious 'good' or 'bad' - I think those concepts are part of the human psyche and to me, this explains why 'God' doesn't step in and stop 'bad' things happening. Life is a balance of good and bad, light and dark etc but that is our perception of them.

 

I have experienced many 'bad' things in life but I don't see it as necessarily a 'bad' thing because sooner or later, these things will be balanced out by 'good' things happening. But still, that is only my perception. What happens, just happens and along the way we make choices which help or hinder those things happening. It is simply just life. But, I also believe as human beings we lost our way a little bit with spirituality because we don't appreciate the things around us. We speak to each other with harshness and spite instead of compassion and kindness. We're too busy working for 'things' to look at the blessings we have in life.

 

I think writing this made me feel a little better. I'm thinking that my feeling of something being missing is my heart and mind needs some quiet to appreciate life. I've had a lot of emotional drama and trauma in the last few years so maybe it's that my spirit, my light is tired. I think that makes sense to me. :)

 

I just want to thank you guys for helping me bounce this around a little. I feel a little better about this now. :)

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Hi Lizzie, thanks for your insight with that. I was treated for clinical depression pretty much as soon as the treatment finished four years ago. The Doctor gave me the theory that the chemotherapy messed up the brain chemistry. I don't think I'm clinically depressed. I'm still eating well, sleeping well in a regular pattern, I'm still participating in life and generally being okay. It's just spiritually I feel like I'm a little bruised and something is missing. I'm not sure what it is. I think Disgracian may have hit on something though. My mind is always busy... always moving forward and I guess that was one of the features of being sick, 'must finish treatment' which then turned into 'must go back to work' etc. I think maybe I need to just stop and think and maybe meditate a little and have some quiet time. I'm working on that. I don't think for me, meds are the answer. My Doc has referred me to a counsellor as I wasn't counselled when I was sick. So, maybe that will help too.

 

I rarely read the other posts when I respond...but I read her post and it makes a lot of sense...

 

YOu need to stop and meditate, take a 'mental' break. Counselling might help.

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I rarely read the other posts when I respond...but I read her post and it makes a lot of sense...

 

YOu need to stop and meditate, take a 'mental' break. Counselling might help.

Thankyou Lizzie, I think you're right and at the moment, I have taken a break from life in that I'm not engaging in other people's issues and drama and instead taking a back seat and taking care of myself. :)
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Meditation can be a very rewarding pursuit, although it can be rather discomforting at first. This is because the agitated mind is focusing on itself and becoming fully aware of how pained it is. Some people quickly become discouraged by meditation because they think it causes the grief, whereas it is just making you fully aware of it.

 

With time and dilligence, though, come results. I believe you will find peace sooner or later, and I wish you all the best.

 

Cheers,

D.

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Geishawhelk

Chinook,

Just jumping in here....Disgracian is right in telling you that Meditation is very challenging. It can sometimes take courage to overcome the obstacles we encounter during such quiet, introspective times. I would further suggest (if it hasn't been done already) that you find a group with which to meditate.

This in itself may be quite daunting, but I can only assure you through experience, that the minor triumphs soon become major victories....

But the challenges you meet during meditation are products of your own mind, and as such, are, believe it or not, eventually yours to control.

It is also worth bearing in mind that the primary function of meditation is not to heal you, or make you better. Although indubitably, they will. No, your main primary focus and desire should be to reach a meditative plane of calm and mental void.

That's not to say you must try to stop thinking. Not at all - what's a Mind for, after all....?

You primary goal is to attain a release from the constrictive, negative and punishing constant, relentless, aimless thinking - that actually torments us all, in one way or another.

Let your mediation "leadert" know how you feel.

And know that with Courage, Patience, persistance and perseverance, meditation can - and will - transform you.

 

Good Luck.

if there's anything you want to discuss.....

 

;)

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Many thanks to both Disgracian & Geishawhelk. I will be mindful of the issues with meditation. I think I am fairly adept at quieting my mind when I need to. I once read a book called 'The Four Agreements' by Don Miguel Ruiz and it explained pretty much how the inner voice worked. I tend to focus on my breathing and heart beat. I don't 'stop' thinking as such... but the thinking isn't as disruptive. I learned to do this back when I was sick, so I think I need to practice this a little more. As for meditating with a group...yes, I think I will try that. I'd also like to learn how to do so in order to take short breaks from work. I work as a nurse lecturer and my department is very busy. My day begins at 7.30 most days and ends at 5-6pm. I usually take an hour out for running at lunchtime but I'd like to add short breaks in, away from everything.

 

You guys have helped me a lot, thankyou so much.

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Geishawhelk

Just as a pointer which I have found works for me....

meditation isn't a practise that need be confined to a specific quiet place, in a specific atmosphere, on your own or with people....

For my part, I have found that even at work, if I sit back in my chair for 10 seconds, and bring my focus and attention onto my breathing and just "Being Here and Now in the Present Moment" - it can make a subtle difference.....

 

Hope this helps....

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I also believe as human beings we lost our way a little bit with spirituality because we don't appreciate the things around us. We speak to each other with harshness and spite instead of compassion and kindness. We're too busy working for 'things' to look at the blessings we have in life.

 

and I think this is what brings us down spiritually – we get so caught up in the turmoil of living that we forget or bypass what is important to giving our own lives substance ...

 

several people mentioned meditation, which is always a great way to tap into that source of peace you carry with in. Take a look around and see what kind of books appeal to you ... from stuff written by deeper thinking novelists (Paulo Coelho comes to mind) to short "bites" (Anthony de Mello) to the good old Catholic standby of the rosary – heck, even well-written material on scientific matter, there's a wealth of resources to help you center yourself spiritually.

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Thanks you guys.

 

Today I ordered some books on meditation, buddhism (because that appeals to me so I'd like to find out more) and I emailed with a local holistic teacher and he leads Hatha Yoga and Ta Chi classes. I start Tai Chi on Thursday and Yoga on Monday next week. So I'm really happy that I started to help myself lift out of the funk I was in at least. Also, I restarted running with a local running club - so I'm getting busy doing "me" things rather than doing "buying" things or just "social" things like pubs and clubs etc. I've also just started reading a book called "Godless Morality" written by Richard Holloway who is the Bishop of Edinburgh and it's written so well - it talks about many of the things we've talked about on this thread but basically a more understanding, compassionate approach to life with firm distinctions between right and wrong. What I find quite amazing about the book is that it's written by a Bishop without too much inference regarding religion. It does talk about the impact religion can have as guidance for the spirit ... which is I guess, what I was asking for when I started this thread... but as I have read more and thought more about it, it's becoming ever clearer that peace can only come from within. I just wanted to say thankyou to you guys again for helping me to bounce this around and think about things. It's helped me a lot. I feel alot more centred since I started this thread only a few days ago.

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Just as a pointer which I have found works for me....

meditation isn't a practise that need be confined to a specific quiet place, in a specific atmosphere, on your own or with people....

For my part, I have found that even at work, if I sit back in my chair for 10 seconds, and bring my focus and attention onto my breathing and just "Being Here and Now in the Present Moment" - it can make a subtle difference.....

 

Hope this helps....

Yes, that does help. That's exactly one of the things I'd like to start practicing doing. Sometimes I have to eat at my desk because I'm so pushed for time, so I'd like to practice how to 'take time out' if that makes sense. I think I'm getting there. It will take time but I'm not in any rush to get any place so I think I can take pleasure in the learning on the way. :)
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Geishawhelk

There are many who believe that in order to meditate, you should do so in a quiet, calm atmosphere, maybe with some soothing appropriate music playing in the background, and the delicate aroma of pleasing incense to calm the senses....And ideally, yes, this would be the most wonderful atmosphere in which to medittate.

But the real and occasionally harsh reality is, that 99% of the time, this ideal environment is simply not available. And it actually takes effort to obtain it...maybe driving for an hour through prime-time traffic to get to your chosen centre..., buying all this stuff, and the cushion or stool, too...and what's the best music to use....? And should i also get a timer....? Or warning the rest of the family you'll be unavailable for a while.... And if you're a busy mum of young kids, you can pretty much forget that one for a start!

Sometimes, the most productive "way" to meditate is to start Exactly Where You Are.

If you're driving somewhere, do you find your mind wandering, and you're thinking about anything else but what you're doing...? A pedestrian who looks funny, or what the weather's doing, or what we need to buy from the supermarket - once we get there and find a darn parking space! "And what the heck is that guy doing on that bike! Why don't cyclists respect traffic lights? And honey, I wouldn't wear that blouse with that skirt - oh, big colour mistake, babe... Hey, litter-bug! Lady, why don't you teach your kid what a wastebin looks like? Oh man, shoot! I need to add white wine to the list....and what time did my partner say he'd be home? if he comes in late again and dinner's ruined, I'll go mad....Jeez, I must do some ironing when I get home.....he needs a clean shirt for tomorrow...Oh, and, I need fabric softener too...."

See? We've even forgotten we're in a car....

 

Sit back.

Relax.

Breathe normally, and smile softly to yourself.

Let it all go.

 

Have your hands safely on the wheel, and just Be with Yourself, right Now.

See everything, but don't let any running commentary invade your mind.

A blue car goes past.

Note the blue car going past, without thinking,

"A blue car is going past."

Watch the lights, and wait for the green, without thinking,

"Ok, I'm waiting for the green...."

if your mind starts to be invaded with thoughts, just smile softly to yourself, and come back to your Centre.

It's normal, don't worry.

Just let it go, and do without thinking.

Check your mirror - white truck behind you.

Just notice it, that's all.

Indicate left, without thinking, "indicate Left."

Turn the wheel smoothly, serenly, and safely.

Drive.

Go.

Stay.

Smile.

Be.

 

If you are meditating, and it's noisy, then make the noise part of your meditation.

 

What noise is it?

Is it a combination of sounds?

is it made by a machine, or a person?

Does it fluctuate?

If there are many sounds, try to separate them and listen to each sound in turn....

if it's traffic, notice the different cars..

If it's birds, note the different songs....

if it's children, note the different voices....

if it's at work, note the different components....

 

But without commentary.

Fix on each one, individually, and bring it out against the others.

Don't think about it.

Just do it.

 

But don't think all this....

Discern it all, without commentary.

let your Hearing work it out for you.

Stay where you are.

Breathe.

Smile.

Detach.

Disengage.

Be.

 

Now isn't that nice...? :)

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Geishawhelk

That's just it.

It makes us more alert, not less. it makes us perceive everything around us RIGHT NOW, as opposed to making us absent....

Try it (safely and carefully, if you like...) I promise you.

Whilst it may initially seem a way of becoming more introspective and self-centred, in fact, the opposite is true.

It makes you more in touch with your surroundings and connected to what is ahppening around you.

It makes you more Mindful.

 

Of course, if you DO find the opposite IS true, I will bring you flowers and grapes, whilst your leg is mending....

 

But really, I think you'll find it works.... :)

 

Incidentally, the teaching (or whatever you may wish to term it) is not mine in origin. I believe it comes from Thich Naht Hanh's book, "Present Moment Wonderful Moment" but I may be incorrect as to it's certain origin. But I do know I got it from him.

 

Thank you.

 

:)

Namaste.

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Beautiful, but maybe not the best thing to practice while driving.

 

:eek: but that's the best "me" time I've got! :D

 

the drive from ETX to STX is about 7 hours, and I've found that's the best place to problem solve, to talk to God, to work through grief, to pray, to sing loudly and joyfully because I often make that drive alone. Frankly, it's the best way I've found to keep centered because of the lack of distraction along those back roads of Texas ...

 

other unencroached period of time is right before I fall asleep, and I like to let my mind roam, it's pretty cool not being tethered mentally or being bothered by outside pressures.

 

chinook, you've given yourself the best gift by taking up running and signing up for tai chi – that creates a specific space for you, both mentally and physically, and things pretty much fall into place after that. I hope that it helps bring you the inner peace you desire ... or at least give you the tools to carve out that much needed time to court that peace.

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