Lost my faith, might find it again...but might not

[sunshinegirl]

I was perusing some of the threads in this section and wanted to share what has been a strange evolution in my spiritual life. Would welcome comments, feedback or any other input. (And I'm sorry in advance for the length!)

 

I was raised in a conservative evangelical (read: Bible-based) home. Had vibrant faith from childhood through and beyond college. Active involvement in bible studies, church, youth groups, college fellowships, missions trips, evangelism, etc. Baptized at age 23; went to India to work in Mother Teresa's homes in Calcutta at age 28. (I'm 33 today.)

 

Very much believed in personal God, personal relationship with Jesus, active prayer life, all that. Even so, I often struggled with my faith descending to a legalistic "follow the rules" kind of thing.

 

Starting around age 28, the tightly held beliefs I had started to loosen. Dated a Catholic guy who exposed me to RC theology, which I liked and which challenged a lot of my Protestant tenets. Did a lot of traveling around the world, saw how lots of other people live and what they believe - which served to loosen even more my sense that what I had believed was the Absolute Truth. Questions started forming and pooling in my brain...questions that I had easily dismissed earlier in my life but which no longer seemed to be 'red herring' questions that I had been trained to ignore as an evangelist (e.g. "how can such a loving God be so barbaric in the Old Testament, ordering mass murder of 'sinners'"; "what about ppl who have never heard of Jesus?", "how can the Bible be this inerrant, HS inspired document when it was obviously a bunch of political decisions to decide what was in/out of the canon?", "why do we have so much internal disagreement in the Christian family over so the specifics of our theology?" etc).

 

The questions piled up, and then I had a really upsetting prayer situation occur a couple of years ago that sort of blew everything apart. In short, I believed very strongly that God led me to pray in a specific direction, for a specific thing to occur. It was not unlike other circumstances I had been in in my life, where I experienced specific Holy Spirit-infused guidance, and things later came to pass that seemed to confirm the leading I had felt.

 

Well, in this particular case, all the same signs of leading were present, but at the end of the day the prayers were not answered in the way I had thought they would be.

 

It was incredibly upsetting, and was a real moment of truth for me. It seemed that either: (1) I had been duped by my own psyche, wanting this thing SO badly that I imagined that God in fact wanted the same thing for me; or (2) that God had in fact led me to this particular prayer but had decided not to answer it in the way he led me to pray.

 

If the former, then I had to revisit all the previous times where I felt led to pray and assumed it was the Holy Spirit's guidance. If I couldn't discern properly this time that it WASN'T the HS guiding me, then how the heck could I be sure that HS was guiding me previously? What kind of God makes his leading so quiet, so whisper-y, that it's easy to miss it, or mistake it? Is "knowing" that God is really leading you just a bunch of (often warm and fuzzy) feelings?

 

If God was really leading me in that prayer, then what kind of cruel God leads his children to pray fervently for something that he doesn't deliver?

 

After this experience, I pretty much lost what remaining enthusiasm for my faith remained at that point. It just seemed as though I had spent a lot of time churning my wheels trying to figure out the right theology, the right way to relate to God, the right things to do...and I decided I was just tired. T I R E D. Bone tired. Weary. Done. By that time my faith was no longer faith at all - it was me grasping on to the 'rules' (go to church, don't have sex) without any real trust or belief in God to back it up. And what's the point of that?

 

So I haven't really been to church in over a year, and the thing is, I don't miss it and I don't miss God. I'm not unhappy. In fact, I'm as content as I've ever been. I sometimes joke to my friends that I think I lost my faith somewhere in my apartment - I think it might be there somewhere, and I might find it again - but I just don't feel like looking for it right now.

 

Can anyone relate to this?

[norajane]

I'm sorry - I don't want to make light of your struggle, but your post reminded me of an old joke: God answers all prayers, but sometimes His answer is No.

 

 

 

I hope you'll get some posters with a more spiritual-minded way of looking at things to help you with your questions. Good luck to you.

[Love Hurts]

My friend; to begin with you never really found Christ … that’s why

its easy for you to miss Him… Not.

A mental ascent is not the same as one of the heart.

Showmanship... is for the glory of man; not of God.

You spent many years in vain; more for your lifes personal gain in the Lord,

not the Lords gain through your life.

 

Is it all about Christ or all about you?

 

God Bless*

[Topper]

Love Hurts, Great Christian reply you have there.

 

Sunshinegirl, I have a great belief in god. I also know that there is way more to God then what we can even imagine. What I don't believe in is the nonsense we are taught in Sunday School and in Chruch.

There isa quote by Nikos Kazantzakis That I happen to like. I hope I get this right. The fisherman prays to God for a good catch so that he and his Family may eat. The Fish Prays to God not to be caught so that he may have one more day with his family. Who's prayer does God answer? some days the Fish and other days the Fishermen.

What I find so vexing about Christianity is the oh so self righteous way that each and every sect thinks they are right and the rest are wrong.

I really admire the work you did in India. That took courage and real faith. Now that you have Lost the dogma go out and find The real meaning of faith and God. Read learn and keep an open mind and Heart.

[Love Hurts]

Love Hurts, Great Christian reply you have there.

 

Sunshinegirl, I have a great belief in god. I also know that there is way more to God then what we can even imagine. What I don't believe in is the nonsense we are taught in Sunday School and in Chruch.

There isa quote by Nikos Kazantzakis That I happen to like. I hope I get this right. The fisherman prays to God for a good catch so that he and his Family may eat. The Fish Prays to God not to be caught so that he may have one more day with his family. Who's prayer does God answer? some days the Fish and other days the Fishermen.

What I find so vexing about Christianity is the oh so self righteous way that each and every sect thinks they are right and the rest are wrong.

I really admire the work you did in India. That took courage and real faith. Now that you have Lost the dogma go out and find The real meaning of faith and God. Read learn and keep an open mind and Heart.

 

Do you believe this is soul salvation speaking?

 

 

God Bless*

[Topper]

There is a young Hindu boy in India He wants to learn about God there isa christian Mission in his village a Masque and of course a Hindu Temple.

He ask the Christian missionary to tell him about God The Missionary starts teaching the Boy about Jesus and the saints. and the Boy goes to Chruch on Sunday. He also ask the Imam to tell him about God. The boy starts instruction in Islam and goes to the Masque to pray. he does the same with a Hindu monk. One day the Boy is walking down the street with the Missionary. The Imam sees him and wants to know what he is doing? The Imam says "Ithought you wanted to bea good Muslim?" The Missionary looks at the Boy and says. "What is he talking about you want to be a Christian. The Hindu monk happens to over hear this and say " No this boy is a good Hindu he is in the temple all the time. All three start arguing with each other. Finally the Missionary turns to the boy" Well make up your mind what do you want to be?" The Boy replays " Why do I have to pick one?" " I just want to Love God."

That pretty much is my salvation.

[pricillia]

There is a young Hindu boy in India He wants to learn about God there isa christian Mission in his village a Masque and of course a Hindu Temple.

He ask the Christian missionary to tell him about God The Missionary starts teaching the Boy about Jesus and the saints. and the Boy goes to Chruch on Sunday. He also ask the Imam to tell him about God. The boy starts instruction in Islam and goes to the Masque to pray. he does the same with a Hindu monk. One day the Boy is walking down the street with the Missionary. The Imam sees him and wants to know what he is doing? The Imam says "Ithought you wanted to bea good Muslim?" The Missionary looks at the Boy and says. "What is he talking about you want to be a Christian. The Hindu monk happens to over hear this and say " No this boy is a good Hindu he is in the temple all the time. All three start arguing with each other. Finally the Missionary turns to the boy" Well make up your mind what do you want to be?" The Boy replays " Why do I have to pick one?" " I just want to Love God."

That pretty much is my salvation.

 

 

 

This is a great story to the OP, I think what you did in India is great as well, most people that are christians talk a good talk but don't walk the walk. You took action and that is a wonderfull thing.

 

It is alright to question a certian faith, and I am so sorry that you are going through dissapointment, but try to think of all of the good things in your life that you should be greatfull for and cherish those things.

[Love Hurts]

In our modern society do you think there are any that have not heard of Jesus and His saving grace?

[pricillia]

In our modern society do you think there are any that have not heard of Jesus and His saving grace?

 

Some people have not been raised to belive in God.

 

You speak of saving grace..which is in itself shelfish...

 

What have you done for modern society lately, beside preach the word of god?

 

Have you taken action to help somone, or a living entity less fortunate then yourself?

[Rooster_DAR]

IMO

 

Religion and faith were created by man, there's no doubt about that in my mind. I think your starting to realize possibly that religion and God certainly may not exists at least in the context we have been brought up to believe. I think religion and gods were created to solve a common problem with the human thought and psyche, we need something to connect to and we need something to govern human behavior.

 

I think the idea of religion and god was with good intentions, but it has been manipulated and perverted by many cultures over many centuries and it's wound up contradicting what it's try to pass on as the truth. I used to be a very religious person when I was young, but just as you these questions kept surfacing and over many years of research I have deduced my own beliefs.

 

I think it's important that you search for the truth, whether it leads you to a stronger belief in God or an epiphany or your own.

 

Good luck!

[dropdeadlegs]

I was never what I thought of as deeply religious, but more like simply spiritual. I was brought up going to many churches with friends as my family did not attend church. My father is agnostic and my mother is what I think of as a pretty liberal Christian. I was always permitted to go to church, just not prodded or forced to. My parents would even drive me. I was more or less encouraged to seek out faith, or not, as the choice was completely mine. I embraced the New Testament and was "saved" at a fairly young age, I think around 10, and accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior. As a teenager, I embraced the Roman Catholic Church. I particularly liked the idea of confession, although I never converted and did not participate in speaking to the man in the box.

 

After 9/11 I had a need to understand this religion I kept hearing about as an impetus to the attacks and in reading about Islam I also read bits about other religions trying to find sanity in what was an insane time to my simple mind. I didn't have any epiphanies, but I started having some pretty serious questions, and ended up having some strong leanings to other religions. I still don't have a great understanding of most, but I liked Buddhism tenets and found them comforting. Through this period of very general study, I could not bring myself to shed my belief that Jesus was the son of God, and that God existed. I never really understood the Holy Spirit and found that concept very strange. At a Pentacostal church they were speaking on tongues and I couldn't buy that part, for lack of a better phrase. I didn't pray much at any time in my life.

 

I am once again asking serious questions about religion and now feel that I am one step away from disregarding everything I once believed. I guess I am losing my faith. The last few months and particularly the last week has been enlightening to me in a way. Nothing in particular has happened to make me suddenly feel that there is no God, I may just be ready to abandon my need to believe that I am responsible to a higher power than myself.

 

I have always had strong desires to help the less fortunate in the world and think that would be the most satisfying life. I am in awe of your work in India. That is so commendable in my opinion.

[lonelybird]

sunshinegirl

 

I believe your experience can be related to many believers. As a believer we also go through tests in our lifes, like refining gold. but Lord never put something in our life we cannot endure. It is a process to practice our faith and make our faith stronger if not the contrary.

 

Seems you are quite upset about unanswered prayers which influenced your faith in Lord. I think basically there are two big sorts of prayers. One sort of prayers is God's will; another sort of prayers is against God's will at the moment. If the prayers fall into scope of God's will, then the prayer will be answered, no doubt. but if it is agaist God's will, then it will not be answered. But either way, God did it for our benefit, because we don't know what is ultimate good and bad for us, but God knows. so the sure way to get an answered prayer is to seek what is God's will. as Jesus said we shouldn't pray for worldly things, but should pray for spiritual things because Heavenly Father knows and meet what we need in this earth.

 

As for Holy Spirit, He always guide us spiritually toward God. HIS main task is not to seek flesh or worldly benefits for ourselves, but to change us inside and make us to be more like Jesus; AND to benefit and bless other persons' spiritual life. Holy Spirit also has power to cure people physically and mentally. If you choose to not believe in it even miracles happen so often, then probably that is what you get. It is a spiritual battle, I hope and pray you win in the end.

[boshemia]

I kind of know how you feel... only I didn't lose my faith in God. I lost my faith in god's people.

 

I am saved, I pray, and I've read the bible through dozens of times... However when I was in pain and when I sought out help all I found was judgement. People telling me that my husband would not be cheating on me if my faith was strong enough, that I just needed to pray for him.

 

Every night for six years I laid my hand on him while he slept, tears pouring down my face begging God to help him. When he cheated on me it was because I was hiding sin in my heart, when he hit me I was told to forgive him.

 

All I got was that faith was not about me... it was not about what I wanted, or what I needed. All I wanted was to stop hurting. Eight years I stayed, when he had his eighth affair I finally asked him to let me go. When I told my Uber Christian neighbor I was leaving, she said why? It's not like he hits you...

 

I stopped going to church and started stepping our when my family had their theological discussions, and just watched. I saw people who talked about homosexuals as a disease, talked about tragedy that befell people as if it were a judgement from God and all I could think was who are they to judge. I saw the hipocracy, and I just couldn't believe that this was what God intended. I still can't...

 

When I stopped going to church my family started making comments to me like I was the Pagan of the family... lol, I started calling myself the Pagan Christian. I still believe in God, I still pray, and I still raise my kids to live by the Ten commandments.

 

DO IT ANWAY

 

 

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered; Forgive them anyway

 

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway

 

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and true enemies; Succeed anyway

 

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway

 

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway

 

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway

 

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway

 

Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway

 

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; It was never between you and them anyway.

 

It's between God and I now... and I'm happier that way. Someday maybe I'll be in a place where I can handle all of the Christian Love again, but not now...

 

Sometimes that is part of our Growth as Christians as well...

[lonelybird]

I kind of know how you feel... only I didn't lose my faith in God. I lost my faith in god's people.

 

I am saved, I pray, and I've read the bible through dozens of times... However when I was in pain and when I sought out help all I found was judgement. People telling me that my husband would not be cheating on me if my faith was strong enough, that I just needed to pray for him.

 

Every night for six years I laid my hand on him while he slept, tears pouring down my face begging God to help him. When he cheated on me it was because I was hiding sin in my heart, when he hit me I was told to forgive him.

 

All I got was that faith was not about me... it was not about what I wanted, or what I needed. All I wanted was to stop hurting. Eight years I stayed, when he had his eighth affair I finally asked him to let me go. When I told my Uber Christian neighbor I was leaving, she said why? It's not like he hits you...

 

I stopped going to church and started stepping our when my family had their theological discussions, and just watched. I saw people who talked about homosexuals as a disease, talked about tragedy that befell people as if it were a judgement from God and all I could think was who are they to judge. I saw the hipocracy, and I just couldn't believe that this was what God intended. I still can't...

 

When I stopped going to church my family started making comments to me like I was the Pagan of the family... lol, I started calling myself the Pagan Christian. I still believe in God, I still pray, and I still raise my kids to live by the Ten commandments.

 

DO IT ANWAY

 

 

People are often unreasonable, illogical and self-centered; Forgive them anyway

 

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; Be kind anyway

 

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and true enemies; Succeed anyway

 

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; Be honest and frank anyway

 

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; Build anyway

 

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; Be happy anyway

 

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; Do good anyway

 

Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough; Give the world the best you've got anyway

 

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; It was never between you and them anyway.

 

It's between God and I now... and I'm happier that way. Someday maybe I'll be in a place where I can handle all of the Christian Love again, but not now...

 

Sometimes that is part of our Growth as Christians as well...

People are not perfect, no one good enough to be called "good". that's why we should rely on God, not people. even the person most love us can hurt us sometimes. take good, throw bad. and forgive

 

I found this. if I rely on someone heavily, and hope the one can life me up when I am down, can satisfy my emotional needs most of the time, THEN when the person could not, I grow big resentment toward this person. But if I rely on God knowing that nobody is perfect, if the person life me up and satisfy my emotional needs, it is a PLUS. if they hurt me, ok, nobody perfect, forgive. but person's imperfection cannot influence my faith in God, they are irrelevant. but by the way, you cannot seek 10 levels of love from a person, this only bring frustration.

 

and resentment toward people shows heavily rely on people, not God

[sunshinegirl]

Thanks everyone, for your replies. Much to respond to, for now I will just address this one:

 

Lovehurts wrote:

My friend; to begin with you never really found Christ … that’s why

its easy for you to miss Him… Not.

A mental ascent is not the same as one of the heart.

Showmanship... is for the glory of man; not of God.

You spent many years in vain; more for your lifes personal gain in the Lord,

not the Lords gain through your life.

 

Is it all about Christ or all about you?

 

It's interesting you say that. Some years ago I thought the very same thing about a friend whose faith just seemed to wither away. She must simply never have known Christ - if she had, how could she ever walk away from him?

 

No doubt it's hard to understand someone's life and spiritual journey from just a few summary paragraphs, so I can understand how you might judge me based on what I wrote (especially my struggle with legalism). That said, I feel fairly confident that your comments are just off the mark: I did find Christ. I walked with Christ for many years. Those weren't years spent in vain. I didn't go to Calcutta for show. I didn't do missions trips and I wasn't involved in Bible studies and I didn't evangelize 'for the glory of man.' Ask anyone who pastored me, mentored me, prayed with me, supported me, challenged me.

 

That complicates the story a bit, doesn't it?

[quankanne]

That complicates the story a bit, doesn't it?

 

honestly? No. Because your faith journey is uniquely your own. You've walked a beautiful path (your work with Mother Teresa's ministry is incredibly inspiring), and you've now hit what looks to be a bog in comparison. Yet, it's all a part of your journey toward God, whether you do it "according to rules" or wing it on your own – DDL writes, "I guess I am losing my faith" when she talks of questioning what she's always accepted before, but again, it's all part of the journey. There is no right way or wrong way of doing things. What's important is that you're aware of the journey you're undertaking, and why ...

 

unanswered prayer is a hard one, but as LB points out, ultimately, as believers, we've got to place our faith in God's will, otherwise we're going to be perpetually disappointed by the guy we expect to be another Santa Claus, giving what we demand, when we demand. From personal experience, when those prayers seem to go unanswered, it's often been a time for me to really, really look at what I'm wanting, and why – it's a time for personal growth, so to speak. That doesn't make the desire for a positive answer any less, but it gives you an added perspective.

 

LB – your first post was beautiful, as was the quote by topper

[bluetuesday]

the puzzle of unanswered prayer, and others like it, finally helped me to see beyond the faith i had grown up with.

 

i was once a very firm catholic. a few years ago i began to start asking questions of the christian faith. it wasn't because i had never found jesus, like you, i had. my christian faith had been incredibly strong and was always the most important thing in my life. but i started asking questions because something didn't fit. if you looked deeply enough, something was, i believed, wrong with the way jesus and god were portayed in the bible. and i got to the point of wanting to know the truth MORE than i wanted to feel secure and 'saved'.

 

unanswered prayer. yeah, you won't get a straight answer from a christian about it. that's because the christian faith CAN'T answer that question in a way that's logical or understandable. all you will get is 'god works in mysterious ways' or 'god ALWAYS answers prayers, but sometimes the answer is not yet or no'.

 

yet, you're right. what loving god would repeatedly refuse to answer the prayer of a devoted, faithful child?

 

i found the answer, not in turning away from god, but in discovering that the version of god i had been brought up to believe in by the christian faith was incorrect. personally, i'd had enough experiences of the holy spirit to know in my heart that the basic fact of the existence of god was true. but once i questioned the tenets of christianity, i began to see through them. i stripped them away one by one, until i was left with nothing but god. this wasn't a negative experience, it was actually wonderful and it took quite a long time (about three years). i didn't miss the god i'd been raised with either. i discovered that the god of christianity doesn't in fact exist, so truly, there was nothing to miss. and what i found FAR outweighs what i'd had before.

 

regarding your specific situation; it's always dangerous, whatever the situation, to expect only one outcome to a problem. when you limit the way god can work in your life by setting up an expectation that a situation can only resolve in one way, you're not allowing god to help you in the way god wants to. very likely it is true that you were led to pray about something, but learning to 'hear' what comes from god and what comes from your own psyche takes more than wishful thinking. if you badly wanted a situation to work out in a certain way, you can be sure that was your ego talking, convincing you that you knew best - that you knew better than god - how your life should go. the holy spirit (or whatever name you want to put on it) would never lead you to think one thing and then deny you. the holy spirit will only ever lead you to god - not to a 'lower' outcome of whatever wordly thing you think you need, be it money, romance, a certain job, whatever.

 

which leads me to god's will... god's will for your life is NOT a set of specifics. it's utter rubbish for anyone to tell you 'it's god will that some people suffer.' it is NOT god's will that ANY of his children suffer, and only someone who has a terribly twisted or false opinion of god would say that suffering is the will of god. i can't stress this too strongly. yes, there is a higher understanding to the question of suffering - that god wants you to learn and if you make a free will choice to suffer*, he will allow it, but he does not want you or anyone to suffer. god's will is always that we transcend suffering. it is neither necessary nor desirable to god that any person on earth suffers.

 

god's will for your life is that you learn what life IS and that you grow in awareness of who you are. life, the spiritual path, is a progression from a sense of separation from god to a sense of oneness with god. it doesn't require you to be a member of any church, to accept any man-made laws or to debate endlessly whether baptists have it more right than pentecostalists.

 

my advice is spring clean your flat. if you find your old faith in there, chuck it out. just don't stop asking questions of god. the REAL god. look inside. god's never left you.

 

*i didn't want to go off on a tangent about this point, but for anyone wanting to challenge this, people make the choice to suffer all the time. they deny god, they insist on repeating mistakes, they would rather not grow or ask questions, they listen to their egos, they are unkind to people, they think the ends justify the means, etc etc. all these things cause suffering, yet most people choose to live this way.

[Topper]

Nice post Bluetuesday, That was a very thoughtful reply.

[sunshinegirl]

bluetuesday, thanks so much for your very thoughtful response. It's nice to know I'm not alone in the general path I've been on.

 

i discovered that the god of christianity doesn't in fact exist, so truly, there was nothing to miss. and what i found FAR outweighs what i'd had before.

 

...And? What did you find?

 

my advice is spring clean your flat. if you find your old faith in there, chuck it out. just don't stop asking questions of god. the REAL god. look inside. god's never left you.

 

Hmm. In all honesty, right now I don't feel like doing the spring cleaning. I've been happy in this little "time out" I've been taking on the spiritual front. I'm not losing sleep over the fact that I've lost/misplaced my faith. I don't feel a particular need to pick up the mantle and search God out. The questions are undoubtedly still percolating under the surface for me, but at the moment I don't feel like mounting a full-scale assault on them to figure things out. And maybe that's part of my journey? Learning that it's okay to step back, step off, experience life differently, and stop thinking that I have to find the right answers right now? (or that I have to find the "right answers" in the first place?)

[Love Hurts]

Some people have not been raised to belive in God.

 

You speak of saving grace..which is in itself shelfish...

 

What have you done for modern society lately, beside preach the word of god?

 

Have you taken action to help somone, or a living entity less fortunate then yourself?

Good works without salvation are useless.

They amount to self fulfillment; self-righteousness.

We cannot work our way to heaven.

However good works once saved to count as value to the Lord.

 

Also for man to give an account of his good works to another as in let me boast or brag of my accomplishments unto the Lord. Is so not a good thing.

If we speak of something we have done so to edify or encourage another; its good.

Yet we have to be careful …we are not to blow our own horn if our works are so great another will blow our horn for us.

 

We work to seek the praise of God not the praise of men.

If the praise of men is what we seek then that is our reward and we have lost a reward in heaven.

 

John 12:43

For they loved the praise of men more than the praise of God.

 

Matthew 6:2

Therefore when thou doest thine alms, do not sound a trumpet before thee, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may have glory of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.

 

Matthew 6:1

Take heed that ye do not your alms before men, to be seen of them: otherwise ye have no reward of your Father which is in heaven.

What we do in the name of the Lord is for the Glory of the Lord. Lets store up our treasures in heaven.

 

Matthew 6:20

But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal:

 

We do not want to loose the gifts of God; to a mans pat on the back.

 

God Bless*

[milvushina]

I empathize with your first post a lot, sunshine. I too was brought up very religious. In fact I even went to school in a Baptist church rather than public school, and our text books were from a Christian book company...and so on.

 

I went on to college and studied science, and I started reading a lot, especially books by foreign authors. I looked at the Nobel prize list and stuff like that, and read things by people of all different religions. And all of those things weighed in, and my religious beliefs, I guess they kind of fell apart under inspection, and introspection, and exposure to other beliefs. For a little while I was really mad, I felt like I had been duped. I felt like my family had led me to believe all this stuff, instead of teaching me to think about things and ask questions, because it was easier. And I didn't like that I went into public school with ideas like men and women didn't have the same number of ribs. It could have been so embarrassing.

 

Nowdays I think I will always have a special place in my heart, a special fondness, for Christianity. And for religion in general. Hard sciences don't explain everything, and I'm talking about things they don't apply to, not things we don't know yet that will probably be explained someday. Things that lie in the realm of philosophy. And religion to me equates with philosophy. Reading books by great religious figures, you realize what makes them great is that they're thinkers. They talk about things that interest all of us, but don't have an objective right/wrong answer. So I revere a lot of people, Socrates no less than Jesus.

 

I feel a lot like you nowdays. I'm at peace with it. I'm an atheist (I usually tell people I'm agnostic because that gets people all fired up, plus, I do consider myself both). I definitely feel best about myself when I act kindly and unselfishly, and those things make me feel like I'm in tune with a greater good outside of myself, too. I don't really believe in such a thing, but it's an idea that feels good and is good for you. So you can enjoy life and even be spiritually fulfilled if you don't believe in a certain God or gods.

 

That's really what I wish for everyone. Strict religious dogma with teachings like gay people being a social disease is a disguisting parody of the very thing it claims to be, a thougtful and kind life. I think you have the right idea. I know how hard it can be to break away from those thoughts, but it sounds like the hard part is over for you, and if you do come back to faith, it will be a more inclusive and in my opinion, better version of what it was, enriched by all the life experiences that transformed it.

[quankanne]

maybe that's part of my journey? Learning that it's okay to step back, step off, experience life differently, and stop thinking that I have to find the right answers right now?

 

sometimes your answers come when you're not searching so hard that you can't see. All in good time, my dear, all in good time.

[dropdeadlegs]

I meant to say something last night that got lost in my thoughts.

 

When asked the question of who I would most like to meet or have lunch with, living or dead, my answer is still Jesus. I find him absolutely fascinating, even with all my questions.

[Rooster_DAR]

I went on to college and studied science, and I started reading a lot, especially books by foreign authors. I looked at the Nobel prize list and stuff like that, and read things by people of all different religions. And all of those things weighed in, and my religious beliefs, I guess they kind of fell apart under inspection, and introspection, and exposure to other beliefs. For a little while I was really mad, I felt like I had been duped. I felt like my family had led me to believe all this stuff, instead of teaching me to think about things and ask questions, because it was easier. And I didn't like that I went into public school with ideas like men and women didn't have the same number of ribs. It could have been so embarrassing.

 

These are the kinds of things most religious people choose to ignore, it's Satan's work to believe anything but what you were taught. My mother taught me that questioning the bible and it's teachings was certain condemnation. To me, that is borderline abuse and definitely a good dose of brainwashing. Now religion seems to be attacking science due to it's contradictions, it's a direct threat to the core beliefs of religion and god.

 

I believe I was duped as well, and taught to believe these things without making up my own mind. This is probably the premises that led to the falling of my belief in religion and God. Couple that with common sense, and I fail to see where religion and Gods make any sense with the universe. Probably the biggest black and white part of this to me is the fact that there are so many gods, and looking back at our ancestors it's clear that there has always been a need to believe in that which is not real.

 

Regards,

[Storyrider]

The sense I got from your original post is you are questioning a number of things. What struck me most strongly was your reaction to your prayer experience. It seems backwards. Why would you have less faith in God because He seemed to act contrary to your understanding?

 

I come from a different faith background, but It seems a God who must conform to my rules isn't an all powerful all knowing God at all. Especially from what I've heard about the HS--you aren't supposed to "get" everything that comes from a source like that. It is not an intellectual thing.

 

And as to your comment about the whispery voice, He is supposed to speak in a "still small voice." Why not question your own ability to hear rather than His existence?

 

Maybe God outgrew your concept of Him.

 

I don't mean to sound harsh. I wish you the best. I'm just typing this quickly.