Just Believe Posted July 7, 2006 Share Posted July 7, 2006 My boyfriend and I have been together a long time and are very much in love. I got up the courage to finally tell him that i was raped when i was younger. He was the first and only person i have ever told, not even my mother. I thought Id finally have someone to talk about it with for once. But every time i bring it up he changes the subject. He doesnt want to talk about it at all. I understand it hurts him to to think of someone hurting me but I love him and wish he would let me get out what i need to. Same thing goes for my ex. I was with him for 7 months and for 5 out of the 7 he was extremely abusive. I foolishly didnt tell anyone except my current boyfriend. When i get scared of feel uneasy and want to talk about it he changes the subject. I dont know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Outcast Posted July 7, 2006 Share Posted July 7, 2006 It's often not good for a relationship for one person to serve as 'therapist' for the other. Thinking of you being hurt may disturb him, too. Your best bet is to call a rape crisis centre and ask for counselling. Those folks will let you say everything you need to say. Link to post Share on other sites
Oseeker Posted July 13, 2006 Share Posted July 13, 2006 I have a similar past, and present where ifeel like my BF doesnt really understand what I am going through. No one does, except for other rape victims. I find some times, the best thing to do is just relive it. If it upsets you, let it. Cry as much as you can and let it all out. Or, write a heartfelt letter to your Bf, or to the guy who raped you, and usually that will help clarify your exact feelings, and then you can let them go. Dont actually give them the letter, because it will not mean as much to them as it does to you and it will make you feel even worse. Another thing to do would be just admit to yourself that it is not your fault, you did not deserve it in any way, and try not to act like you have a problem. Your BF will remember what you told him. Besides, when you are upset and cry, your BF thinks he needs to do something right away to help you or change what happened to you, but he cant so he gets frustrated, and doesnt want to talk. he doesnt understand that you are just looking for someone to talk to. Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted July 13, 2006 Share Posted July 13, 2006 My boyfriend and I have been together a long time and are very much in love. I got up the courage to finally tell him that i was raped when i was younger. He was the first and only person i have ever told, not even my mother. I thought Id finally have someone to talk about it with for once. But every time i bring it up he changes the subject. He doesnt want to talk about it at all. I understand it hurts him to to think of someone hurting me but I love him and wish he would let me get out what i need to. Same thing goes for my ex. I was with him for 7 months and for 5 out of the 7 he was extremely abusive. I foolishly didnt tell anyone except my current boyfriend. When i get scared of feel uneasy and want to talk about it he changes the subject. I dont know what to do. Outcast summed it up. It's not cool to use your partner as a therapist. They get upset hearing about what happened to you. It hurts them. They don't know what to say. Often it can be overwhelming. Sometimes it can confuse them or make them feel angry, at the person who victimized you -- but they also feel helpless because they weren't in your life then and they want to protect you now. It's good to share but do so without demanding a certain type of response. It hurts him to hear what happened to you. I let partners know the facts, just the plain old facts about my past. But if I need help talking it out, or exploring my feelings about the rapes, I do so in the context of a therapeutic relationship with a professional. I do not want to burden another person with the memories I carry with me. It's hard enough for ME to deal with it, and it happened to me so I HAVE to deal with it. Can you imagine putting that burden on your partner's shoulders? Link to post Share on other sites
Shock Posted July 22, 2006 Share Posted July 22, 2006 You should tell your mother you were raped, I mean a bf can come and go but she’s your mother forever. I mean you specifically mentioned you hadn’t told her, sounds like maybe you want to but are afraid of her response? Link to post Share on other sites
forsythe Posted July 24, 2006 Share Posted July 24, 2006 Hi JB, I wish I could help you... cos it is so sad that this happens to people. As far as telling your boyfriend goes, I can tell you how I would feel. I would feel uncomfortable not about talking to my girl about it, but that she would be telling me she was violated. It would make me very angry and hurt (at not being able to do anything for her) and make me lose faith people (which has already happened) and I would basically feel like puking. I can feel for your boyfriend if he does love you and is committed to you inspite of what you told him. What outcast said is good advice. Also, if I ever met your ex-boyfriend i'd want to bash his face inside out... I hate guys who can't respect women. I've heard so many stories from friends who are girls... i know of so many guys around here where i live who take advantage of girls and hurt them so deeply emotionally and sometimes... very physically... it's so sad. You should go to a counselor... like outcast said. I wish I could say something that would really help and make things ok. Take care.. Link to post Share on other sites
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