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How do you improve your personality?


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Old 10th January 2018, 9:48 PM   #1
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How do you improve your personality?

I don't have a great personality. I don't appeal to people online or offline. I find my age being 35, is so discouraging that I don't even try to change this because it seems my prime is over and this is who I am. I am not a happy person and I crave social connections. I know I sound pathetic but I was wondering if anyone had any advice on things I can do to work on my personality. I can't just change my personality or I'd sound very fake but I could start working on it so it evolves more naturally.

Last edited by igotoverit; 10th January 2018 at 9:52 PM..
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Old 10th January 2018, 10:29 PM   #2
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Someone who isn't a happy person isn't going to have a great personality. Let's face it, having a positive and happy outlook is part of a good personality.

So, looking at the cause: What's stopping you from being happy? And how have you tried to address it so far?
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Old 10th January 2018, 10:36 PM   #3
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Someone who isn't a happy person isn't going to have a great personality. Let's face it, having a positive and happy outlook is part of a good personality.

So, looking at the cause: What's stopping you from being happy? And how have you tried to address it so far?


I just want to say thank you for taking the time to read my post. I have had a bad few years and through self reflection realize that I was infatuated with a man about a decade older then me, who was not only mature but successful, and despite his age, maturity and popularity, he was very cruel to me. I know your going to ask how is he a great person if he bullied me, but it was a long story that is being put behind me. I think it was my personality that enabled this to happen in the first place and I admit to being immature and needing to grow.


I have done a lot, I seen a psychiatrist and was treated for the depression. It turned out I was bipolar and have also being in counseling for a few months. I am going to be seeing a psychologist in March.


I switched my courses from in person to online so I can work more during the day. I joined a gym but this former send a guy that and it became a very uncomfortable place for me to be so I quit for several months. I haven't joined a new one. I feel kind of depressed and blah due to circumstance and not bipolar so I was thinking as circumstance improved, so would my depression lift.


I also thought if I had connections that would give me positive influences and help me get out of my head and live life but seem to face a lot of rejection which is why I am here.

Last edited by igotoverit; 10th January 2018 at 10:38 PM..
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Old 11th January 2018, 7:16 AM   #4
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I also thought if I had connections that would give me positive influences and help me get out of my head and live life but seem to face a lot of rejection which is why I am here.
When you say rejection, do you mean just romantic/sexual rejection or social rejection as well?

If, as you say, you crave social connections you're a lot like me and in a similar position to where I was last year. I'm a bit hazy on definitions here, but personality is often fixed and difficult to change. It's something about you and the way you interact with others and the world that is relatively fixed. I think what you describe is probably depression and/or bipolar which is altering your behaviour and thought processes, and thus stopping you from behaving completely in tune with your personality. So it's not a matter of changing your personality as much as getting back in tune with it, and working towards being the best version of yourself (that is, presenting the best and truest of your personality rather than trying to change it to "fit in".)

Do you have any close friends or family you can talk to? Not necessarily about your issues, but just to hang out and start feeling more connected.
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Old 11th January 2018, 7:24 AM   #5
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igotoverit,
Why do you thinkyou need to "improve" your personality?

Your personality is unique and special to you, so don't knock it.

I think the real question you should be asking is "why am I not content?". No-one can be happy all the time - that's too much to aim for.

But if you can become secure, well-grounded, stable, competant, and confident, that can go a long way.

You could try some counselling to see if you can identify the stumbling blocks that are getting in the way...

Good luck x
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Old 11th January 2018, 12:29 PM   #6
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I had this bad experience and for years have been told by this group of cruel men that the kind of person I was, was horrible and I believed it. I also think I carried that with me and in the back of my head while trying to make new connections. I also haven't been taking care of myself and may not be giving a good impression. I also appreciate some of your feedback, it all makes sense.


I think I need to start to change my habits of self loathing and paying too much attention to these guys, and focus more on myself. I made a great step this morning. I had lunch with my boss and established what contracts I would take. I switched my courses to online and will be working more during the day. I turned the spare room into an office and upgraded my internet to be able to do this.


I was taking on my own contracts but they were all cash jobs and that isn't really a business or a job. I started to apply for companies and will establish my own professional contracts with the right pay method so I am not working for cash jobs.


I am not gym ready but I am making small steps to improve my life and that's good. If you think about it, I have a foundation to build off of and that took me two years. I am feeling happy and excited about my future today as oppose to yesterday wondering how am I going to live each day without this particular person. I can't wait until the day comes when I can look back at this experience and not feel such pain but let's face it, i'll have set backs and moments where I am reminded. I know it's wrong but it's how I feel. It is wrong because it wasn't a mature or reasonable love that I felt. It was more infatuation and an obsession in my head and I created someone perfect but I do not know this person nor what he is like in a relationship today.
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Old 11th January 2018, 10:50 PM   #7
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Thanks for sharing. First, 35 is not past your prime. It's never to late to change. Instead of being so concerned about people not liking you, focus on getting to know them. A friendship will develop naturally. Getting out of your head will really help.
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Old 12th January 2018, 3:06 PM   #8
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There are plenty of self help books in a library or bookstore on this topic.
They are all upbeat, positive with advice.

Try this rather than a bunch of strangers online.

I would add that people over a certain age usually do not change much over time. But you can change over the short term. Very unlikely that your personality will be a makeover. This has been documented by psychologists.
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Old 12th January 2018, 3:13 PM   #9
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AoM is a great guide to start with.
Art of Manliness.

Sounds over the top? Nope. Real down to earth stuff. Been around for years. They are also on FB and stuff. They have simple starter stuff for the younger fellas, like how to shake hands properly and how to grow a moustache.
To Wardrobe picks for age appropriate attire and other "guy" stuff.
Finally they give dating advice and how to behave like a man when in the presence of a female...Good stuff. And no, its not PUA stuff. Its traditionally orientated material..
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Old 12th January 2018, 3:17 PM   #10
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AoM is a great guide to start with.
Art of Manliness.

Sounds over the top? Nope. Real down to earth stuff. Been around for years. They are also on FB and stuff. They have simple starter stuff for the younger fellas, like how to shake hands properly and how to grow a moustache.
To Wardrobe picks for age appropriate attire and other "guy" stuff.
Finally they give dating advice and how to behave like a man when in the presence of a female...Good stuff. And no, its not PUA stuff. Its traditionally orientated material..


I was about to thank everyone for their advice and then I read yours and I am a female.
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Old 12th January 2018, 5:16 PM   #11
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What does make you happy?

When you don't feel good about yourself it's hard to get other people to like you. It's not your personality; it's the vibe you give off. Nobody wants to be around a "downer" so it becomes like a self fulfilling prophecy.

So what makes happy / what makes you feel good about yourself? Do that.

Volunteer somewhere doing something you care about -- animals, politics, curing a disease, feeding the homeless. What you do doesn't matter as much as the fact that you do something. When you give to others you fell better about yourself.

If you can't bring yourself to go back to the gym, do other stuff. Walk around your neighborhood, exercise at home, just get moving. Exercise releases endorphins which improve mood.

Keep your environment neat. When I'm depressed, I let the house work go but then I feel like I'm getting crushed by stuff. It's not restful or relaxing & ends up adding to my anxiety. Similarly, keep up your appearance. To some extent this is part of fake it 'til you make it but psychologically you feel better when you look better. If you look like a slob, you feel worse. I actually learned about this in college & make a point to dress up for exams. I did feel sharper then my classmates who showed up in sweats.

Above all keep up with your therapy & hang in there. Oh two things my therapist suggested that help: make a gratitude's list & journal. Every morning when you wake up & every night before bed, make a list of what you are grateful for. It doesn't have to be profound -- my flannel sheets made the list several times during the frigid Bomb Cyclone This task makes you focus on what does work in your life. Journaling gives you a place to get the bad stuff out.
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Old 12th January 2018, 5:26 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
What does make you happy?

When you don't feel good about yourself it's hard to get other people to like you. It's not your personality; it's the vibe you give off. Nobody wants to be around a "downer" so it becomes like a self fulfilling prophecy.

So what makes happy / what makes you feel good about yourself? Do that.

Volunteer somewhere doing something you care about -- animals, politics, curing a disease, feeding the homeless. What you do doesn't matter as much as the fact that you do something. When you give to others you fell better about yourself.

If you can't bring yourself to go back to the gym, do other stuff. Walk around your neighborhood, exercise at home, just get moving. Exercise releases endorphins which improve mood.

Keep your environment neat. When I'm depressed, I let the house work go but then I feel like I'm getting crushed by stuff. It's not restful or relaxing & ends up adding to my anxiety. Similarly, keep up your appearance. To some extent this is part of fake it 'til you make it but psychologically you feel better when you look better. If you look like a slob, you feel worse. I actually learned about this in college & make a point to dress up for exams. I did feel sharper then my classmates who showed up in sweats.

Above all keep up with your therapy & hang in there. Oh two things my therapist suggested that help: make a gratitude's list & journal. Every morning when you wake up & every night before bed, make a list of what you are grateful for. It doesn't have to be profound -- my flannel sheets made the list several times during the frigid Bomb Cyclone This task makes you focus on what does work in your life. Journaling gives you a place to get the bad stuff out.
That is great advice and I will take it. I will be putting my entire bed on that gratitude list. I admit to letting the housework go and it made me feel worse. I also admit to looking like a slob. I am not a volunteer, I am sorry to sound like a horrible person, but I don't work for free. I feel a great amount of achievement earning a paycheck.
Homeless shelters aren't my thing and I take care of my cat well. She is fixed and has all her shots and her needs are always met. That makes me feel good. Seeing animals suffer does contribute to my depression.
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Old 13th January 2018, 1:04 AM   #13
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You can't just change your personality. You are the person you are. You personality is something that is being crafted and created since you were born. It is unique to you. You cant just change it. You can encounter and meet people that influence and affect you and your personality. Perhaps sometimes some of it rubs off. But for the most part, you are who you are.

You need to figure out why you "crave" social connections? Perhaps because your "crave" them you come across as too eager and too pushy and you are pushing people again? Turn down the notch a bit and see how it goes.

Things that you can try to do to change. Take a risk.. do something. Pickup a hobby or interest you never though you would do and give it a shot just out of curiosity and as a challenge to yourself to try something new. Sometimes doing things like that changes people a bit.
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Old 13th January 2018, 5:30 PM   #14
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Boredom will make you dull. Certainly your bipolar and depression are keeping you down a lot, too. But having interests other than just finding a mate can make you interested in life and happier. You shouldn't be hoping a person will change you to make you happy. You're either a happy person or you're not. Then things bring you up and down from your baseline a little, but there's no cure like that.

Certainly hobbies and interests and activities and pets are more stable and can be better counted on than making a hobby of finding a mate, so get busy doing other things to add to your foundation so that one certain thing (a man) can't make you just plummet. Good luck.
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