LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Mind, Body & Soul > Self-Improvement and Personal Well-Being

depressed because I'm lying to myself


Self-Improvement and Personal Well-Being Start off with a great foundation! The place to ponder the journey towards improving yourself!

Like Tree27Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 29th November 2017, 10:53 PM   #16
Member
 
Join Date: May 2017
Location: Into the great wide open
Posts: 699
Is that theory kind of makes no sense.
How is ones own mind and brain supposed to know when one is lying to oneself?

Is that not what the term hindsight is 20/20 is all about?

While you are in the present you are constantly making mistakes but you are not aware of it and think you are doing things correctly and logically.you think you are actually doing things that make perfect sense based on the knowledge you have in the present.

It's only in the future that you are able to look back into the past, with the newly gained knowledge and insight and experience you aquired , and only then are you are able to look back and identify your mistakes.

If you are constantly beating your self and going into depression over things because you think you are no good at it, then it's a combination of your personality and your natural inclination to go into depression. It's entirely possible to be a human and beat yourself over little things but not allow yourself to go into a depression. You just take a don't give a **** attitude. But just continue to be hard on yourself because that's the personality type you are.
jjgitties is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th November 2017, 9:52 AM   #17
Established Member
 
d0nnivain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Northeastern USA
Posts: 26,327
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ieris View Post
. Maybe you can try having a conversation with your mother about that?

My mother died several years ago. Years before that I was able to turn the mind tape off & be productive / happy but in the years since she has gone, I have slid further & further into a place where I feel like I can't help myself. I'm afraid of everything. It's awful.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jjgitties View Post
If you are constantly beating your self and going into depression over things because you think you are no good at it, then it's a combination of your personality and your natural inclination to go into depression. It's entirely possible to be a human and beat yourself over little things but not allow yourself to go into a depression. You just take a don't give a **** attitude. But just continue to be hard on yourself because that's the personality type you are.

That is part of it. I have always been hard on myself. For a long time that motivated me to do better to work harder but then nothing changed & I sort of stopped caring. Part of me feels like I want to punish myself. I know it's not healthy. I know I need to stop. I just feel stuck & unable to process.
d0nnivain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th November 2017, 3:19 PM   #18
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 656
I certainly wouldn't say its the cause. Certainly isn't helping, though.

How to improve self esteem:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oc-B536E6MY
JustGettingBy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 30th November 2017, 11:15 PM   #19
Member
 
Join Date: May 2017
Location: Into the great wide open
Posts: 699
Quote:
Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
My mother died several years ago. Years before that I was able to turn the mind tape off & be productive / happy but in the years since she has gone, I have slid further & further into a place where I feel like I can't help myself. I'm afraid of everything. It's awful.




That is part of it. I have always been hard on myself. For a long time that motivated me to do better to work harder but then nothing changed & I sort of stopped caring. Part of me feels like I want to punish myself. I know it's not healthy. I know I need to stop. I just feel stuck & unable to process.
Sometimes no matter how hard you try, some things don't change. but other times, crisis and change itself brings on change in the person.

"how do we change? how do we change others?
we change by moving from a narrow space, where we are restricted
and moving into an open space, where possibilities expand"

stolen from the dialogue of the narrator in an art film i recently watched.

;-)
jjgitties is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd December 2017, 11:38 AM   #20
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 13
Since our thought life directly relates to our behavior and actions, it is important to control the thoughts that we reflect on, dwell on, and tell ourselves. I can certainly see why your therapist would say that you are telling yourself lies and I can see why he/she would encourage you to tell yourself truth about yourself. The foundation of truth is not what we think, not what others think, but what does God think about you. Have you thought about finding out what God thinks about you? If you begin to search what God thinks about you and remind yourself of that, by His power, you can be transformed from the inside out and your self perception will change.
gelite3 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd December 2017, 1:04 PM   #21
Established Member
 
Fair's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 502
Have you ever watched Bob Proctor's videos on youtube where he talks about paradigms? It ties into this whole idea of how being raised with a certain self image affects us and holds us back in life.

I suggest watching these... they don't talk specifically about depression though he does touch on the subject sometimes... but it all ties in together... self image and paradigms and how they make us feel and function in the world. The videos might actually help you if you care to check them out.
Fair is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th December 2017, 8:59 PM   #22
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 17,837
Donnivain, what you have to understand is that your mother passed on her own bad self-esteem to you. She may or may not have known how not to if she was raised under a similar script. People who habitually criticize (my own mom did it to me) or tear down others are subconsciously trying to make themselves feel better or equal or superior. Tearing them down to size gives them a temporary feeling that they are not the bottom of the barrel. They are self-validating. And of course, doing it to a child is cruel and petty, but it's unlikely she had any kind of real lucidity about what or why she was doing it. Once you tell people why they're doing it, they are usually embarrassed enough to try to stop, because then they realize them criticizing someone for no reason is really saying more about them than about the victim.

I don't know about your doc's theory that changing your inner narrative will fix it. I think your accomplishments have probably largely fixed it but that there is always this little lingering underpinning of shaky self-esteem.

I think it's more important that you realize this was all about HER, not all about you, and simply think of it that way as much as possible. It was her problem. It wasn't true. She was trying to prop herself up.
__________________
"I care not much for a man's religion whose dog and cat are not better for it." -- Abraham Lincoln
preraph is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th December 2017, 9:38 PM   #23
Member
 
Join Date: May 2017
Location: Into the great wide open
Posts: 699
Quote:
Originally Posted by preraph View Post
Donnivain, what you have to understand is that your mother passed on her own bad self-esteem to you. She may or may not have known how not to if she was raised under a similar script. People who habitually criticize (my own mom did it to me) or tear down others are subconsciously trying to make themselves feel better or equal or superior. Tearing them down to size gives them a temporary feeling that they are not the bottom of the barrel. They are self-validating. And of course, doing it to a child is cruel and petty, but it's unlikely she had any kind of real lucidity about what or why she was doing it. Once you tell people why they're doing it, they are usually embarrassed enough to try to stop, because then they realize them criticizing someone for no reason is really saying more about them than about the victim.

I don't know about your doc's theory that changing your inner narrative will fix it. I think your accomplishments have probably largely fixed it but that there is always this little lingering underpinning of shaky self-esteem.

I think it's more important that you realize this was all about HER, not all about you, and simply think of it that way as much as possible. It was her problem. It wasn't true. She was trying to prop herself up.
This is a theory based on the idea that our parents are the sole sources of any and all "bad" habits we may have aquired in our personalities and into adulthood.

This may or may not be the case. I am a firm believer we are the sum of "all" our parts. Sure, some of it was from parents, some of it was from personal experiences that are separate from parents, some of it is from our own interactions with other people we encounter in our lives. some of it is from education and discovery, and some of it is just brand spanking new and original behaviour that comes right our of the innards that makes us the complex humans we are.

Bottom line is, you are the person and the personality you are. Once you get to a certain age, you ain't going to change anymore. You might, but probably very little. You are the person you have become. As the cliche goes, "you can't teach an old dog new tricks".

dg
jjgitties is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th December 2017, 10:07 PM   #24
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 17,837
Self-esteem can certainly improve with age and accomplishments, self-reliance, etc. I know that for sure because it did for me. Self-esteem can be built.

I attribute most of this to her mother because that is what she said. Of course, we have other influences, but none so profound as what our parents model.
Popsicle likes this.
preraph is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th December 2017, 10:14 PM   #25
Member
 
Join Date: May 2017
Location: Into the great wide open
Posts: 699
Quote:
Originally Posted by preraph View Post
Self-esteem can certainly improve with age and accomplishments, self-reliance, etc. I know that for sure because it did for me. Self-esteem can be built.

I attribute most of this to her mother because that is what she said. Of course, we have other influences, but none so profound as what our parents model.
I know what you are saying. But I find the parents model in a modern globalized world a very hard sell. At least in my case. My parents lived and were raise in a very different world, country, and socio-economic environment. Its an environment I have personally had zero exposure to. I wouldn't even begin to be able to understand what it was like growing up in a post WWII reconstruction world. I think I inherited some traits from my parents (I also think I inherited some traits from grand parents) but I am also certain I am detached from a great many more traits of from parents and grand parents than what I inherited.
jjgitties is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th December 2017, 11:28 PM   #26
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 17,837
Well, there's genetic traits, but then some of those can be overcome if you have great parents who raise you well. Their environment is one thing, but what they're like inside may have a more direct impact on a child than the outside environment -- unless it's very extreme, of course, which leaves a mark on all of society.
preraph is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th December 2017, 7:10 PM   #27
Established Member
 
d0nnivain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Northeastern USA
Posts: 26,327
No it has a lot to do with my parents. One example: if I got a 95 on a test, that was not celebrated. I was berated for not getting a 100. I graduated 3rd in my high school class because the kid who was #1 got an A+ in gym; #2 got an A & I got an A- because I wasn't athletic. My mother refused to attend the ceremony because I humiliated by my poor performance.


Yes, I am an adult. Objectively I'm accomplished: graduate degree; own my own business; turn a profit; seem to be liked & respected by my peers but because I never achieved the top 1% of my profession in terms of money or prestige I feel like a failure.


I really want to re-write the narrative but it's not easy. Outside people kind of look at me oddly because the world "says" I should be proud of everything I have accomplished & I really do have many blessings. I just have trouble seeing it that way. The objective vs the subjective how I feel about it, conflicts.
preraph and No_Go like this.
d0nnivain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th December 2017, 7:20 PM   #28
Established Member
 
GorillaTheater's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Texas
Posts: 9,545
You rock Donni, and don't even bother disagreeing with me because I know what I'm talking about.
GorillaTheater is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th December 2017, 8:43 PM   #29
Member
 
Join Date: May 2017
Location: Into the great wide open
Posts: 699
Quote:
Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
I really want to re-write the narrative but it's not easy. Outside people kind of look at me oddly because the world "says" I should be proud of everything I have accomplished & I really do have many blessings. I just have trouble seeing it that way. The objective vs the subjective how I feel about it, conflicts.
I can't relate to you as a human on any level then. I live my life by happily lumbering around as being an absolute average in everything I do. I aim and expect zero and usually get an average result and tell myself, well, that's not too bad, it could have been a big zero, and am happy with what I got.

I guess if you are a high achiever, you will never be content unless you are in the top 1 or 2% of what you aim to achieve. I guess thats just how it works for high achievers.
jjgitties is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th December 2017, 8:50 PM   #30
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 17,837
All that stuff about grades never being good enough, they were jealous and wanted to take you down a peg. My own mother never did what you'd call encouragement about grades. I just knew I was supposed to get straight A's, but the most she'd say is I got my brains from her and then a comment about my dad didn't graduate high school or something like that.

My downfall was bad penmanship and I wasn't old enough to straighten teachers out myself, but it was because my much older sister intentionally closed a pickup door all the way on my fingers when I was 3 and it was never mentioned again because my mother didn't enjoy criticizing my sister whose approval she was always trying to win. And my mom must have been in denial about it because she never told the teachers my fingers had to be sewn on and to stop harping about the penmanship.

No help on homework ever. I was on my own and I did build some self-esteem from that fact alone, only to have it shredded in junior high by some bullying.

My mom would be supportive in other ways, but she had a blind eye to her criticizing. She'd make me clothes, things like that, and always food on the table. Everyone has things in their makeup that have been that way so long they don't recognize it as different.

My mom wasn't affectionate when I was a child. She would TELL me she liked cuddling babies and us when we were babies. But she wasn't. I remember some relatives came to visit and they had a toddler and had her on their lap and my mother told me to come over and get on her lap, as if we did that all the time. She wanted the relatives to think she was that way. I was blunt and told her, "Why? You never do that any other time." I wasn't having any of it. I saw right through it.

Still there are things I cherish about both my parents, but we all have our flaws. We just have to know those are their weaknesses, and don't have to be ours.
preraph is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Ex moved on to some guy??? Is she lying? are they lying? MikeLeno Breaks and Breaking Up 16 10th November 2017 10:10 AM
Lying girlfriend still lying and sugar coating information tfunkk78 Breaks and Breaking Up 1 9th February 2014 7:07 PM
Lying-how would you know? sad123 Dating 11 19th April 2005 12:49 AM
Deceit and lying..Can you tell when someone is lying? John Archive 8 26th March 2001 1:26 AM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 9:33 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.