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-   -   Anger problems and alcoholism. (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/self-improvement-personal-well-being/633980-anger-problems-alcoholism)

Protec 4th September 2017 11:28 AM

Anger problems and alcoholism.
 
I admit it. I have anger management issues and problems with alcohol.

I lost my soon-to-be-GF because of alcohol and anger issues last weekend.

What kind of tips you have for me?

How did you get rid of alcohol and how did you learn to control your anger?

I have been struggling with my anger issues ever since i was a kid, so it's not just about alcohol that causes a furious rage inside me.

I undergo therapy and it has helped, i already started to feel better but last weekend i lost my head again and lost the most amazing woman because of that.

I have now decided not to drink alcohol at all anymore, how can i keep it that way?

Also my anger causes problems, i say evil things, i threat people and i behave very aggressively when i get angry. Otherwise i am the nicest guy you probably know. I am very kind, sensitive and considerate man, but when i get angry i would like to burn the whole earth, including me. So i am pretty much completely opposite person when i become angry.

Any tip is more than welcome. I have lost too many people because i cannot control myself when i've drunk.

bathtub-row 4th September 2017 5:37 PM

Just my thoughts, but who you are when you're calm and who you are when you're angry = the person you are to others. You can't separate the two and say I'm a nice guy when...

I'm sure Hitler had 'nice guy' moments. Do you, overall, think he was a nice guy?

I'm not a therapist but I will say that sometimes you simply have to make choices and stay with them. You can talk it through, dig deep and find out why you behave the way you do but the bottom line is you HAVE to make better choices. Here's something to consider - the less you ALLOW yourself to react in an angry manner, the less you'll do it. You can basically rewire your brain to stop being addicted to this self-destructive behavior. And you are addicted to it, you just don't know it yet. There are also plenty of people who don't drink. It's not like giving up air.

No one does anything without some form of pay-off. Ask yourself what the pay-off is to your anger and to drinking. If I had to hazard a guess, I would say that the pay-off to anger is control, and the pay-off to drinking is to numb yourself out.

preraph 4th September 2017 6:30 PM

Well, you can get all kinds of great advice and support in AA. You need to do that. Ask the therapist if you would benefit from an anger management course as well or if it's ground already covered by the therapist. The great thing is today may be the first day of the rest of a better life now that you want to quit, so bravo. Get in AA though. It will get you through hard times. My best friend is 25 years sober. She still goes to meetings.

Protec 5th September 2017 5:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bathtub-row (Post 7407532)
Just my thoughts, but who you are when you're calm and who you are when you're angry = the person you are to others. You can't separate the two and say I'm a nice guy when...

I'm sure Hitler had 'nice guy' moments. Do you, overall, think he was a nice guy?

I'm not a therapist but I will say that sometimes you simply have to make choices and stay with them. You can talk it through, dig deep and find out why you behave the way you do but the bottom line is you HAVE to make better choices. Here's something to consider - the less you ALLOW yourself to react in an angry manner, the less you'll do it. You can basically rewire your brain to stop being addicted to this self-destructive behavior. And you are addicted to it, you just don't know it yet. There are also plenty of people who don't drink. It's not like giving up air.

No one does anything without some form of pay-off. Ask yourself what the pay-off is to your anger and to drinking. If I had to hazard a guess, I would say that the pay-off to anger is control, and the pay-off to drinking is to numb yourself out.

I've had anger problems ever since i was a kid. I got picked on at school because i "exploded" so easily. I don't explode as easily anymore, actually i have pretty long fuse.

But this has to stop. IT has to. I just can't go into full berserk mode and kick lamp posts and mailboxes. And yes, i've done it sober too.

When i was a kid, i got angry about 3-5 times per day. Every single day at school. I think the core problem has started back then.

I mean i did not use alcohol until i was 22 years old, but my anger problems have followed me since i was a little kid. Since 5 years old...

I have started to think maybe i could have undiagnosed ADHD, ADD, or some sort of Autism spectrum disorder. Since what i have read about them,
similar sorts of "rage" is in those. And i admit my brain is wired bit differently.

I've been picked on my whole live and bullied since i was somehow different as a kid. No one really understood me and everyone thought i was a freak because of my "strange" sense of humor.

I know no matter what diagnose i get, it's not excuse to behave in certain way and that is not my intention at all. I just want to know why i get so angry so i can learn to control it, how to adjust my life..etc.

TheWoman 5th September 2017 6:03 AM

Um warning, this is an unusual and rather controversial response to your problem. And depending on a number of factors may or may not be possible or advisable for you....

Maybe try cannabis instead of alcohol. It's calming, relaxing and introspective. You're more likely to fall asleep than kick something or yell. Just like alcohol it is an intoxicant, so downtime only no driving of course. But I have seen it work wonders on people with similar issues. It will likely remove the desire to drink alcohol too.

Alcohol is the worst thing you can do with your underlying temperament, it will and clearly has made it worse. Of course abstinence and AA is great if you can do it.

Other helpful things to practice are mindfulness and gratitude, that's more of a long term strategy. Also learn meditation and or yoga. Eckhart Tolle is a good place to start for mindfulness. And try the head space app for an intro to meditation.

bathtub-row 5th September 2017 11:01 AM

I'm curious -- how did your parents respond to your anger? Were you an over-indulged child, or were they strict with you? Also, why would someone get picked on because of their strange sense of humor? I don't understand that one.

If you've done this since a young age then my guess is that it's going to be harder to control. Either you were spoiled as a child, or you actually do have a medical issue. Or it may just be learned behavior, and your chosen response to being bullied. If you practice not allowing yourself to get angry, you should be able to get a handle on it. But don't kid yourself, you lost a gf over this so I'm guessing it's still a very big issue even if you are older and more toned down.

Protec 5th September 2017 11:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bathtub-row (Post 7408048)
I'm curious -- how did your parents respond to your anger? Were you an over-indulged child, or were they strict with you? Also, why would someone get picked on because of their strange sense of humor? I don't understand that one.

If you've done this since a young age then my guess is that it's going to be harder to control. Either you were spoiled as a child, or you actually do have a medical issue. Or it may just be learned behavior, and your chosen response to being bullied. If you practice not allowing yourself to get angry, you should be able to get a handle on it. But don't kid yourself, you lost a gf over this so I'm guessing it's still a very big issue even if you are older and more toned down.

I was usually pretty calm at home but in school i got picked a lot. And i just had strange sense of humor, no one understood my jokes. Everyone called me a weirdo etc. I've always had lots of imagination, and i am very creative person (i make music).

So i didn't choose to be picked on. I think i was just around with wrong people. Even these days i feel "strange" so on. But this woman i dated for few months wondered why people think that way. She laughed at my jokes and stories. We got a long so well...

I actually said a clerk at my local store "don't sell me alcohol. No matter how much i beg, don't sell it to me."

I've lost enough people in my life because of my anger issues. Alcohol just boosts the emotion i am having. So if i am happy and take alcohol, i become even more happy. But even though i was having fun last saturday, i felt angry earlier that day. Anyway, i really need to get this under control.

I was actually reported to a police. AGAIN. I am the nicest guy. Maybe i have other personality, i don't know. But every person i've told how i behave when i am angry, they don't believe me.

"You? Don't make me laugh. You seem like such a nice person. I can't really imagine you running around kicking mailboxes and yelling threats"

Yeah. I guess it is hard to imagine. Still. There is so much anger inside me. As i kept it all inside me during teen-years when i was bullied and picked on.

Even back then i had some very violent thoughts about my schoolmates. I even wanted to burn down my "friends" house.

I was too afraid to go talk to school nurse, or my parents, since i thought i would get into trouble or i would get bullied even more.

Anger can be useful if you can channel it right.

Motivational Anger - Like when being in Gym, little extra anger can give you better results.

Creative Anger, channel that anger to create some awesome agressive beats and melodies for people to enjoy.

But now...my anger was Destructive one. It comes so fast, i cannot react to it. It takes over my thoughts so fast i can't eve stop to think. It's like i am skipping the "getting irritated" step and go from Calm to full rage in a snap.

I hate this. I am really a very nice and jolly guy, i don't ever think any bad about people. I like to give gifts (when i can) and help people if possible (if someone needs help for example). I always try to smile and i am very polite to all people. I open doors to elderly people and hold door open if i see someone is coming in.

I just have no idea where that anger comes from...

Michelle ma Belle 5th September 2017 12:04 PM

There is no easy fix for either of these vices. They both required long-term professional support and that includes AA.

But like all things, seeing a therapist of any kind is step one. The real work, the hardest part of 'fixing' yourself comes when you leave the office and put in action everything you learned in therapy.

There is no way around it.

You want to learn what sets you off? Well, that's what therapy is for. Are you still seeing your therapist? If so, how often? What strategies have they put in place for you to deal with your outbursts?

If you're still going and it's been working and you're seeing improvement then just continue with it. Maybe step up your appointments. When you give into your old tenancies, you're basically making a conscious choice to go against what you're learning to do. Controlling your anger is like a muscle, the more you practice the better you get at it.

As for drinking, it's pretty straight forward, AA and your AA sponsor are your only and best support systems in staying sober and recognizing your triggers.

Good luck.

bathtub-row 5th September 2017 12:51 PM

I didn't say that you chose to be bullied. I said that anger was your chosen response to the bullying. I was married to someone who had big problems with anger and control. In his case, he didn't want to deal with working on it. It cost him his job and a few relationships. Would I say he's a bad guy? No. But I couldn't live with that kind of negativity in my life. So however you want to label it, most people aren't going to be able to live with it. I'm a little concerned that this angry music you refer to just fuels the fire -- for your anger and others. It's possible that you just have an over-abundance of testosterone. Hormones can certainly drive behavior.

Of course anger has its uses. But kicking mailboxes and things like that is a child's response. I agree that you need to get to the bottom of why this happens where you feel you have no control over your actions and responses. It's good that you want to find out what it's about.

basil67 6th September 2017 4:09 AM

Protec, the way you describe your school years, being picked on because you'd explode so easily, reminded me of another little guy who this used to happen to. His diagnosis was Oppositional Defiance Disorder. Or ODD. You may want to search up a description and see if you relate.

Protec 6th September 2017 4:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by basil67 (Post 7408667)
Protec, the way you describe your school years, being picked on because you'd explode so easily, reminded me of another little guy who this used to happen to. His diagnosis was Oppositional Defiance Disorder. Or ODD. You may want to search up a description and see if you relate.

"ODD: What to Look For
Children and adolescents with ODD are very quick to lose their tempers, often disobedient at home or at school, apt to ignore or rebel against rules, quick to blame others for mistakes or misbehavior, and prone to annoy others and be easily annoyed. "

Not me. I am the kindest person and i always follow the rules and obey authorities, including my parents. I hate people who brake the rules on the other hand. I have read about autism spectrum disorder and it seems those kind of symptoms fit better for me.

I just want to get to the root of this. I don't want to get diagnosis for ASD or any other illnesses. But my whole life i've felt i am different in some way, i've been bullied, called names, picked on because i was so "strange".

And i never had an idea how i am so strange. I just have very vivid imagination and most of the time i daydream.

I've always hated if i am underestimated. I hate being rejected even by a little. I hate people that break the rules (yes, i've broken rules). I've always believed that being nice and compassionate pays off. But usually i just end up being used and abused, cheated on, betrayed. And that is when my anger surfaces.

Something triggered me that night. Somehow i felt i was not wanted in the group that i was "pushed away".

But to say: I don't want diagnosis about something so i can just say "sorry, have this and that, that's why i am like this."

No. I want to know what is wrong with me so i can get correct help and understand myself better and how to fix it.

I have talked about my anger with my therapist, but i started doing better so it was kinda pushed back. And honestly, i was feeling better. I got my self-esteem back a bit, i felt like a human being again.

Therapy has helped. I don't rage if i am home alone. It always requires a trigger of some sort

bummer 6th September 2017 4:59 AM

how many days since you last drank?

basil67 6th September 2017 5:22 AM

Good to know you've ruled out ODD. You mentioned ASD....I know a bit about this because my son is autistic. The anger you see in an ASD meltdown is mostly related to overwhelming frustration/confusion/inability to communicate one's thoughts and needs. Do you relate to this description? Have you looked at the other diagnostic criteria for ASD? There's a lot of different bits and pieces in the diagnostic criteria.

Have you considered that your alcoholism could be a type of self medication? If you do have some type of disorder, it would not be surprising that you turned to alcohol as a coping method. Many good people have done the same. I'm not an expert, but I'd be looking at the alcohol issues in tandem with mental health issues. If you stop the alcohol but don't address the underlying causes.....that's not good.

Have you attended a polyclinic where you can get more thorough evaluation?

Redhead14 6th September 2017 9:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Protec (Post 7407301)
I admit it. I have anger management issues and problems with alcohol.

I lost my soon-to-be-GF because of alcohol and anger issues last weekend.

What kind of tips you have for me?

How did you get rid of alcohol and how did you learn to control your anger?

I have been struggling with my anger issues ever since i was a kid, so it's not just about alcohol that causes a furious rage inside me.

I undergo therapy and it has helped, i already started to feel better but last weekend i lost my head again and lost the most amazing woman because of that.

I have now decided not to drink alcohol at all anymore, how can i keep it that way?

Also my anger causes problems, i say evil things, i threat people and i behave very aggressively when i get angry. Otherwise i am the nicest guy you probably know. I am very kind, sensitive and considerate man, but when i get angry i would like to burn the whole earth, including me. So i am pretty much completely opposite person when i become angry.

Any tip is more than welcome. I have lost too many people because i cannot control myself when i've drunk.

You have anger problems and that's the reason you drink . . . You are self-medicating essentially. Until you unravel and resolve the anger problems, you will likely find it very, very difficult not to drink.

You are going to be addressing two things on your journey to a more healthy emotional life. You have to do both things simultaneously really. Even if you can stop drinking, you'll still have that anger problem. And, as much as it seems that the anger comes out when you're drinking, it's really more about the fact that you drink often and so you don't really know if that anger would come out otherwise.

You'll need to go to a very good rehab facility. One that provides counseling for your emotional history and can diagnose the root causes of your drinking problem. Drinking is a problem, but its not the root of all this. You can treat the drinking problem, but the anger will still be there.

Chilli 6th September 2017 10:24 AM

Yeah l looked for it in your stuff but didn't see it, have you tried dope.?
A joint or two a day could help , it chills most people right down.

l was also drinking way way too much for a few yrs but l was damned if l was gonna give up booze/
So what l did was switched to read wine in a cask and got glasses and said right, l can have 3 of these a day , that's it. only 3.
No more bottle beer or scotch or anything else, only as a treat now and then.
So that was 4 or 5 yrs ago and ever since, l stick to a cask wine and red so it's sorta good for me too , have my 3 glasses and that's it.

l could easily end up drinking all night before and l very often did.l was on the verge of becoming and alcoholic every day. but since my 3 glass thing l learnt to sip and make them last and that's all l ever have now.
Unless l go to a party or something.


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