Should I see a therapist about my jealousy or wait until I get into another relo?

[raizel]

I got out of a 9 month relationship about 4 months ago and we didn't exactly end on bad terms, but not quite good terms either.

 

I feel like I may have some irrational jealousy issues.

 

You could say there was one real reason why I behaved that way (you can find this in my earlier thread), but long story short, he said that before me, he had his eye on his childhood friend whom he thought was "out of his league," and described me as a "maybe." He gave up on her because he thought she would never consider him. They were still very close friends during our relationship and he would meet up with her and some friends behind my back. I never got to meet her.

 

Whenever I saw him messaging her, I would say some really dumb stuff like "oh look it's your favorite girl," which would really tick him off.

 

From time to time I would text him and say "how's your crush on ****** going?"

It was so childish when I think back about it now. I did speak to him directly without being passive aggressive. However, he would just insist that he had no feelings for her whatsoever, that she is nothing to him. He would say some mildly convincing things like "would I buy other girls gifts?" "would I spent time with other girls like I do with you?" I guess that still didn't add up for me because if she meant nothing to him, then why was he so desperate to keep her a secret from me? Maybe he wanted to protect me from getting hurt because he knew that I felt threatened by her.

 

Here's where I talk about my irrational jealousy thing. Whenever we went to a show, and there was a performance by really good looking girls, I would feel threatened by them. I couldn't enjoy them without wondering what he thought of them. When he talked about female celebrities I got really uncomfortable too. One time he said one of our friends was "girlfriend material," and that was a bit unsettling for me. Whenever I felt uncomfortable because of these little things, instead of being passive aggressive/angry like I did with his childhood friend, I was more heartbroken (???) I can't find the right word, but I don't feel angry at all... I just feel... maybe incompetent in some way.... and not special.

 

When he was out at a party, I would be at home wondering if he was checking out another woman and if he was thinking about me. I never talked to him about this, though I did tell him that I wished that he would check up on me more when he was out - because that's what I did when I was out without him.

 

I know I should go see a real therapist instead of consulting strangers online, but I guess I want some opinions too. Am I inherently jealous/insecure, or was it just my instincts telling me that this guy was not completely committed to me? I found out after the break up that he had lied to me several times (he never cheated, but they were lies to do with him going to the gym and doing drugs with his childhood friend). Maybe I should wait until I get into another relationship and see if I trust that guy?

[basil67]

Your reaction was due to your gut yelling WARNING! WARNING! RED FLAG! The guy was a douche and due to your inexperience, you didn't realise just how unacceptable his behaviour was. Yes, your passive aggressive behaviour wasn't good either but hey, you live and learn.

 

I suspect that when you find a guy who loves you and treats you so that you're in no doubt you're his #1, your jealousy issues will disappear.

 

And remember: Date the people who bring out the best in you.

[raizel]

Your reaction was due to your gut yelling WARNING! WARNING! RED FLAG! The guy was a douche and due to your inexperience, you didn't realise just how unacceptable his behaviour was. Yes, your passive aggressive behaviour wasn't good either but hey, you live and learn.

 

I suspect that when you find a guy who loves you and treats you so that you're in no doubt you're his #1, your jealousy issues will disappear.

 

And remember: Date the people who bring out the best in you.

I guess I got worried because I've been reading threads where people have been feeling the same sort of jealousy that I have and the responses they got were that they needed to see a professional. I thought that the jealousy was normal, but apparently it is not? I guess the difference between me and them was that my ex actually gave me a reason to feel insecure. Thank you for this.

[raizel]

Does it make a difference that he kept telling me that he was sorry for going on about how wonderful his childhood friend was and that he never meant it that way? It was two weeks into the relationship and he never said something like that again.

Or was the fact that he said something like that in the first place a red flag regardless?

[preraph]

It's your insecurity. Everyone is a little jealous, but yes, it's time to get into therapy at the point at which you realize you're also sabotaging your relationships because of it. I'm sure you have trouble telling which is a real situation and which isn't, because it's not always easy. But the big picture is you know you are too reactive about it overall. It's one thing to walk away from some guy who ogles other women in front of you or is supposed to be exclusive with you but is caught flirting or whatever, which isn't rare, but in those cases, you need to be sure of yourself and just walk away and not be afraid of losing someone. If you're more secure, you won't be as afraid of losing someone, especially someone not worth it. So get to the root of it and it will probably help you stop worrying when they're out of sight or every time a pretty girl goes by. Good luck.