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Recognizing your own mortallity...and how it affects you..


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thefooloftheyear

Many months ago. I started a thread about loss of interest in long term hobbies...This is kind of a follow up...No change on that front...

 

Anyway, I wanted to put this out there in the hopes that perhaps some feel the same and how they deal with it, or can offer any helpful tips...

 

So here's the deal..

 

Seems like when I reached my mid 40's, things really changed for me...You want to call it a mid life crisis, fine...but there now has been a new feeling, now that I have just crossed 50, and it's dominated my thoughts as of late..

 

My death is in clear view now...It's not scary to me...just reality, and its changed me in a not so good way..

 

Before I get into the in's and out's of this, let me say this...Right now, I have a lot to be thankful for...I am in near peak physical condition, and other than a some little nagging aches and shyt, health wise I couldn't be better..Everything works as it should ..Have no real financial headaches, a have a wonderful daughter that means the world to me and personal and family life are settled..so let's get that out of the way...;)

 

That being said, I stare at the hourglass of life and the sands seem to be running out...I no longer make decisions based on facts always, I make them with the thinking that I wont be here, so it wont matter..

 

Stuff that used to bother me, no longer does..I guess you can say that's good, but it's also not so good, because the reason it doesn't bother me is because I wont be here..

 

It doesn't help that every time I talk to someone I know, it always seems to start with .."hey, did you hear that so and so passed away?"...And its always a guy...Men die...Its just a fact of life...I watched a video recently where this guy(probably 30's) who lives his life with zest and intensity basically said that as a man, you are lucky to get 75 years on this planet..And of that, maybe only 60-65 are what he says are "worth it"...He was colorful about it, going on about how shytty its gonna be when your dick doesn't work, you don't care anymore and you have hair growing out of your ears..:laugh:

 

I think part of the problem is that most people accept the aging process and what it does to us, and I can't seem to...I fight it hard..So it leads to this feeling that im gonna die suddenly, because I can't view myself as someone that is considered old..Time also seems to fly by faster now than at any other time...Days seem like hours and entire months like weeks..Sands keep flowing...

 

Maybe it's time to retire, although I don't see that as a viable scenario, not because i couldn't, but I do like being productive and busy...But that's not helping with the time situation...The busier you are, the faster the sands flow...

 

There are other thoughts, but trying to avoid running on....Interested in any insight or thoughts on this topic,....Thanks for taking the time to read or respond..;)

 

TFY

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What is it you think you're missing or what are some things you haven't done that you wanted to do?

 

Me personally I don't think I've done enough in my life just to do it. One big regret is not joining the military when I was younger. I could've gotten to travel and live aboard. My maturity isn't where I'd like it be. Sometimes that weighs in on me. I also don't take as much pleasure in hobbies I used to enjoy. It's like I have to force myself to read books or participate in comparative exercises. I don't know, maybe it's depression.

 

*shrugs

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CautiouslyOptimistic

I've very much enjoyed reading your posts in the short time I have been here at LS, FTY. It's nice to "see" such a self aware man.

 

Do you WANT to die? I don't mean do you want to take your own life, I mean would you rather it come sooner than later? What do you think happens after death? Anything?

 

Is your father still living? If not, did he die young?

 

What specifically are you no longer interested in that you use to be?

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I nearly died last year, from my second bout of Tuberculosis, but eventually got through it.

 

Since then I've made sure to make the most of every day.

 

"Zero tolerance of missed opportunities."

 

LOL.

 

 

Take care.

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There are other thoughts, but trying to avoid running on....

 

TFY

 

Well, continue.

 

It feels like when reading your post that something is missing. What is it?

 

I ask myself every morning what is your purpose today. I believe in intentional living.

 

For awhile it was filled with sadness. My brother suffered a stroke, never will recover. My h and I took over care for my mom, she passed, then lost my sister.

 

Joy seemed far away. What was missing for me was my family.

 

But I have grandkids and that's my purpose now to be there for them. Sure I could stay in my grief or I could see the joy in just living and loving. That's what I choose.

 

What's your purpose? Continue your story, please.

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thefooloftheyear
I've very much enjoyed reading your posts in the short time I have been here at LS, FTY. It's nice to "see" such a self aware man.

 

Thank you...That's very kind of you ...feeling mutual...

 

Do you WANT to die? I don't mean do you want to take your own life, I mean would you rather it come sooner than later? What do you think happens after death? Anything?

 

I guess not...I mean, I take very good care of myself and do everything I am supposed to...If I wanted this to end, then I probably wouldn't bother?? I am OK with it...Although I am generally a spiritual person, I really don't know what awaits...I don't fear it...

 

Is your father still living? If not, did he die young?

 

He died a few years ago....late 70's, but truth is he probably should have been dead in his 50's or 60's ....Meds and a low stress life are the only things that kept him going...By low stress, I mean he didn't give a shyt about anything...:rolleyes:

 

 

What specifically are you no longer interested in that you use to be?

 

Practically everything....Hobbies and such...:(...Ive had a good group of friends but and while they still call me and want me to get out more, I am getting the sense that they feel like I no longer want it, so they have been a bit distant....I did take a short trip with a few guys last year...It was a VIP kind of thing...Most guys would have done backflips ...I couldn't wait to get home....Its weird...

 

I dunno...I see a lot of people my age like to drink...I don't ..Not for high moral ground of anything, just that my body reacts negatively to alcohol even in light amounts so I avoid it......Maybe that's my problem...Despite my somewhat rag tag approach here, I am actually a pretty decent guy, and do have a good sense of humor...I'm not always a wet blanket...:laugh:

 

Thanks again..

 

TFY

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CautiouslyOptimistic

Sounds to me like you are just bored. Since you're no longer doing any of your old hobbies, and it sounds like you might actually have time for hobbies, maybe you should think way outside of the box and take up something you've know nothing about and learn it from the ground up. Painting, playing an instrument, aquaponics, ballet ;).

 

How often do you have your daugher? Do you feel like you lack purpose or significance?

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JuneJulySeptember

I've just started to see my mortality in the last few years ... and it has been the best thing to ever happen to me.

 

I used to live life wanting the best this and that (job, salary) and stressing about women and what society thinks of me, and trying to keep up with my friends. Never as much as others, mind you, but now I want experiences I can cherish and meaning from the things I do.

 

Because I care less about more frivolous things, I can really be the person I want to be, and I'm pretty happy with myself. I can also treat other people much better. I'm pretty happy.

 

I only with I had figured this out much sooner.

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Mortality has organized priorities. Others wants and needs are now secondary. They always should have been but that was my error.

 

If I want to spend the day looking into the forest and pondering the movements of a hummingbird and reveling in nature's beauty, that's what I do. Etc, etc. I call it unplugging from the Matrix. No sense in being a battery others suck the life out of.

 

Similar to how the OP apparently does, I see a definitive ending, even though currently healthy and without complaint, and often process things as 'to die for' or 'will it last xxx?' and similar.

 

Like I told my best friend, I didn't move where I did to impress people. I moved there to die with a smile on my face. So far, even when stuff comes up, that smile is still there. Now if I can just keep the women away ;)

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thefooloftheyear
Sounds to me like you are just bored. Since you're no longer doing any of your old hobbies, and it sounds like you might actually have time for hobbies, maybe you should think way outside of the box and take up something you've know nothing about and learn it from the ground up. Painting, playing an instrument, aquaponics, ballet ;).

 

How often do you have your daugher? Do you feel like you lack purpose or significance?

 

 

Time is actually limited..Even though ive tried to scale back on my business and hours, it seems like I can't...Here's what's crazy...At this point, I couldn't care less if my phone doesn't ring and I have no customers...Everything is paid for, I have investment income, and I'm just tired...I want to turn them away, but I then feel like I would be letting them down..so I keep it going...

 

But I am busier than ever.!!..go figure...:laugh:....Ive thought of selling/getting out and possibly getting just a job, but I really never actually had a "real" job...I struck out on my own right out of college at 23 and here I am..How am I gonna punch a clock now?? I cant see it...,I do some consulting maybe I could expand that...I dunno...I am truly a Chief by nature, and would make a lousy Indian...So a job at this point is probably not an option, unless Larry Flynt needs me....That would work...:)

 

Every time I start to think of something or take a different approach, I remind myself that I may only have 15-20 years left in me, and of that , how much of it will be good.??....Its not that long of a time...I have this running little joke....I could commit a crime and turn myself in and plead guilty...A severe enough crime that no one gets hurt, but they put me away for that time(10-20).....Just think of all the rest I can get, and now the time will go super slllllloooooowww......:laugh:

 

TFY

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CautiouslyOptimistic
I have this running little joke....I could commit a crime and turn myself in and plead guilty...A severe enough crime that no one gets hurt, but they put me away for that time(10-20).....Just think of all the rest I can get, and now the time will go super slllllloooooowww......:laugh:

 

TFY

 

Well, don't do that! Retire and buy an RV and slowly travel around the U.S.! I think that would be equally as "restful." :)

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That's an idea. I was gonna say take some time off, maybe a month or 2 and give yourself time to think about how to fill what looks like a void.

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JustGettingBy
Time is actually limited..Even though ive tried to scale back on my business and hours, it seems like I can't...Here's what's crazy...At this point, I couldn't care less if my phone doesn't ring and I have no customers...Everything is paid for, I have investment income, and I'm just tired...I want to turn them away, but I then feel like I would be letting them down..so I keep it going...

 

But I am busier than ever.!!..go figure...:laugh:....Ive thought of selling/getting out and possibly getting just a job, but I really never actually had a "real" job...I struck out on my own right out of college at 23 and here I am..How am I gonna punch a clock now?? I cant see it...,I do some consulting maybe I could expand that...I dunno...I am truly a Chief by nature, and would make a lousy Indian...So a job at this point is probably not an option, unless Larry Flynt needs me....That would work...:)

 

Every time I start to think of something or take a different approach, I remind myself that I may only have 15-20 years left in me, and of that , how much of it will be good.??....Its not that long of a time...I have this running little joke....I could commit a crime and turn myself in and plead guilty...A severe enough crime that no one gets hurt, but they put me away for that time(10-20).....Just think of all the rest I can get, and now the time will go super slllllloooooowww......:laugh:

 

TFY

 

Could always sell your business and either buy or create a new one. Change of scenery might do you good.

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Time is actually limited..Even though ive tried to scale back on my business and hours, it seems like I can't...Here's what's crazy...At this point, I couldn't care less if my phone doesn't ring and I have no customers...Everything is paid for, I have investment income, and I'm just tired...I want to turn them away, but I then feel like I would be letting them down..so I keep it going...

 

But I am busier than ever.!!..go figure...:laugh:....Ive thought of selling/getting out and possibly getting just a job, but I really never actually had a "real" job...I struck out on my own right out of college at 23 and here I am..How am I gonna punch a clock now?? I cant see it...,I do some consulting maybe I could expand that...I dunno...I am truly a Chief by nature, and would make a lousy Indian...So a job at this point is probably not an option, unless Larry Flynt needs me....That would work...:)

 

 

Sounds like you are burnt out

If your business is busy, then you should delegate a lot of your job to a manager, so that you can keep your business going and get some fresh blood and ideas in. You can then free yourself up and get off the treadmill. YOU can still be the Chief, but an Indian can take some of the load off.

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Midnight.Amber

Oh man TFY, I don't have advice, but here to say wow can I ever relate.

 

And share my story, perhaps my story will somehow help you. I always learn something from what others experience.

 

For me I think it's the daily grind, same ole same ole. I no longer feel very challenged in my career, or personal life either for that matter, although it (job) pays very well and allows me to have a nice lifestyle.

 

But I feel like I'm in a rut, and I'm discovering I am not into this 9-5 thing, although my job does allow me lots of flexibility in that regard. But still. Major rut.

 

Are you a creative person? I am and I need to focus more on developing that side of myself like I used to.

 

Writing, dance, when I lived in NYC, I even studied theatre and performed off off Broadway in a few productions.

 

Didn't pay but I loved it.

 

But decided I needed to eat, so quit all of it, went back to school, and got a "regular" job. And now find myself in this rut. Ugh.

 

I also love to travel and will be doing so soon, which should help.

 

When I get back, I am seriously considering quitting job and moving to Boise, Idaho and working in a diner! LOL

 

I don't know didn't mean to go on about myself, only that I can definitely relate to what you are experiencing.

 

And honestly it sounds like you feel in a bit of a rut too, same ole same ole.

 

Some people need creative outlets, and a purpose. And to be challenged and stimulated (emotionally, mentally). Life just becomes mundane without.

 

Perhaps you are one of those people too?

 

With talk about death and mortality, not interested in things, activities like you used to be, dare I suggest a bit of depression, also? Not one to diagnose, just something to consider I guess.

 

As for me, when I return from trip, I am definitely going to start making some changes. Probably won't be moving to Idaho and becoming a waitress, lol, but finding creative outlets, to focus on outside of work.

 

Perhaps joining a local theatre group or something. Or just start writing again.

 

*Something interesting and challenging.*

 

Oh and by the way, despite your "rag tag" approach, lol, I know you are decent guy, a big softie actually.

 

I have found that most men who act tough and blustery on the outside are actually the biggest softies of all.

 

It's nice to see when it comes out. :)

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Johnsmith1003

Ok so let me start by apologizing if the following is unhelpful or seemingly out of far left field.

 

I'm a futurist by interest. While I don't have the mortality feelings yet, it won't bother me when I do. Death *isn't* inherently destined. I'm actually poised to become an ALCOR recipient. Not just a fascinating concept but one that allows the chance for death to not be an absolute. I reckon within 10-30 years humans will be able to extrapolate what it means to be conscience and the consequences could be enormous. If you're bored, look up and read this stuff. If all you get away from it is a newfound interest in sci fi films then hey, that works too.

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On a basic level, you seem in a bit of a rut. You know there are things you don't want to do but seem to not want to cut them out of your life. Are you perhaps too set in your ways even though you have grown weary of them?

 

You have already stated your finances are in a good way, so if you closed your business tomorrow or sold up what would you do with your time.

 

I think you need to start thinking of the possibilities in the world. You need to find sources of excitement again. Stop placing so much power on your age. You can have these feelings at any age, don't limit yourself. You could live another year, you could see out another 40.

 

I think many of us go through periods of contemplating our mortality, but your focus is too strong. Yes it is a big thing. But if you let it define how you live you'll not be happy.

 

You are without limit, don't worry about the customers, don't worry about what other people think, don't worry about how long you have. Live now in the present; you could make any day one of the best of your life if you really want to. See the future as possibilities rather than a slog and countdown to the end.

 

You want to change and you have the self awareness of your own situation enough to view it from the outside. Take a real look in at yourself from the outside, analyse your current life; see what needs to change. Tell yourself.

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coolheadal
Many months ago. I started a thread about loss of interest in long term hobbies...This is kind of a follow up...No change on that front...

 

Anyway, I wanted to put this out there in the hopes that perhaps some feel the same and how they deal with it, or can offer any helpful tips...

 

So here's the deal..

 

Seems like when I reached my mid 40's, things really changed for me...You want to call it a mid life crisis, fine...but there now has been a new feeling, now that I have just crossed 50, and it's dominated my thoughts as of late..

 

My death is in clear view now...It's not scary to me...just reality, and its changed me in a not so good way..

 

Before I get into the in's and out's of this, let me say this...Right now, I have a lot to be thankful for...I am in near peak physical condition, and other than a some little nagging aches and shyt, health wise I couldn't be better..Everything works as it should ..Have no real financial headaches, a have a wonderful daughter that means the world to me and personal and family life are settled..so let's get that out of the way...;)

 

That being said, I stare at the hourglass of life and the sands seem to be running out...I no longer make decisions based on facts always, I make them with the thinking that I wont be here, so it wont matter..

 

Stuff that used to bother me, no longer does..I guess you can say that's good, but it's also not so good, because the reason it doesn't bother me is because I wont be here..

 

It doesn't help that every time I talk to someone I know, it always seems to start with .."hey, did you hear that so and so passed away?"...And its always a guy...Men die...Its just a fact of life...I watched a video recently where this guy(probably 30's) who lives his life with zest and intensity basically said that as a man, you are lucky to get 75 years on this planet..And of that, maybe only 60-65 are what he says are "worth it"...He was colorful about it, going on about how shytty its gonna be when your dick doesn't work, you don't care anymore and you have hair growing out of your ears..:laugh:

 

I think part of the problem is that most people accept the aging process and what it does to us, and I can't seem to...I fight it hard..So it leads to this feeling that im gonna die suddenly, because I can't view myself as someone that is considered old..Time also seems to fly by faster now than at any other time...Days seem like hours and entire months like weeks..Sands keep flowing...

 

Maybe it's time to retire, although I don't see that as a viable scenario, not because i couldn't, but I do like being productive and busy...But that's not helping with the time situation...The busier you are, the faster the sands flow...

 

There are other thoughts, but trying to avoid running on....Interested in any insight or thoughts on this topic,....Thanks for taking the time to read or respond..;)

 

TFY

 

My, my you have already giving up on life, my friend. So what you have reached the half mark so how do you feel right now? Do you follow the norm, going to see the doctor and buying over 14 different color pills because they say you need to take that for the rest of your life. BS I say too all of that. Heck I don't even look my age or feel it. I don't have to do what anyone says I do what I want to do and what I do is have fun and be playful and romance and stamina is still 100% with me. I workout every day, eat right I make and design my own meals. I know what goes into this mouth.

 

Guys like you already to pass over, I've been dead when I was hit by a car when I was 14 and was gone for 15 mins. When I came back I felt that death shouldn't be feared it should be welcome when it's your time to go. I can tell you it's not you time to go yet. How do I know this just one of the many abilities I have.. I am the only one left in my family alive I mean mom, dad, sister etc.. Everyone is dead just me and lost my dog in 2015. That was rough but I am still around knock on plastic.

 

You have it all you have child and you should be happy you'll see her girl and have kids maybe she has them your grand dad already. I won't have that unless I do something about it. Well like you I rather not be out there among the others with their STDs, and germs and etc.. Can't deal with that crap. I build a world around me and learn Reiki (Japanese Healing), Shaman Healer yes that's right I am one of those also. I come from medical family so I been RT respiratory therapist and certified CPR for many years now. I do a lot other cool things. but most of all I can heal from within and help others I date who suffer from mental illness and trauma. I am also a psychic that runs in my family also, comes in handy on LS here. I lot of issues with love and such. I find tune myself when I need to and ground too keep off the negative toxic people I run into daily. But in all I doing great and feeling good about it.

 

Once the dog passed away I find myself not going out as much. I don't have any responsibilities for another life so I don't need to open my door otherwise to go to work then drive the SUV to get the mail, take out the trash and then pick up the trash cans. Mow the lawn using green tech (that means I don't use gas equipment). But we all get lonely and need someone to share life with. I date when I want and when I do get to see new things and learn about different things. I was raised to take care of myself that's why I can cook, clean, paint, fix plumbing, do electrical, install ceramic tiles cut them use grout do all sorts of things around the house. Still need one more thing here a woman.. I will have that sooner or later.. I just see things clearly now.

 

My advise is to never give up what you have right now until it's your time to pass over.. Listen I usually don't mention this but I am a survivor of beginning struck by lightning 7 times without a mark on me.. How does that feel like the hand of GOD has touch me in a way. I like helping others figure out the best coarse of action in their lives. Like with you here, you need direction other wise your going to say the dreaded I want to die. But you don't have too. You can live a good life if you just keep doing what you do. Your healthy and fit. I am the same just keeping it that way.

 

I am also a Vegan man, that means I don't eat dead animal and such. I am proud of it and others will laugh but who will live the longest and who won't been in operating room. How I see it.. So right you are doing great just get your mind out of the negative ways.

 

Learn how to ground yourself, start doing meditation and learn Tai Chi. That will help you today.. As we say Shanti - Peace!

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Many months ago. I started a thread about loss of interest in long term hobbies...This is kind of a follow up...No change on that front...

 

Anyway, I wanted to put this out there in the hopes that perhaps some feel the same and how they deal with it, or can offer any helpful tips...

 

So here's the deal..

 

Seems like when I reached my mid 40's, things really changed for me...You want to call it a mid life crisis, fine...but there now has been a new feeling, now that I have just crossed 50, and it's dominated my thoughts as of late..

 

My death is in clear view now...It's not scary to me...just reality, and its changed me in a not so good way..

 

Before I get into the in's and out's of this, let me say this...Right now, I have a lot to be thankful for...I am in near peak physical condition, and other than a some little nagging aches and shyt, health wise I couldn't be better..Everything works as it should ..Have no real financial headaches, a have a wonderful daughter that means the world to me and personal and family life are settled..so let's get that out of the way...;)

 

That being said, I stare at the hourglass of life and the sands seem to be running out...I no longer make decisions based on facts always, I make them with the thinking that I wont be here, so it wont matter..

 

Stuff that used to bother me, no longer does..I guess you can say that's good, but it's also not so good, because the reason it doesn't bother me is because I wont be here..

 

It doesn't help that every time I talk to someone I know, it always seems to start with .."hey, did you hear that so and so passed away?"...And its always a guy...Men die...Its just a fact of life...I watched a video recently where this guy(probably 30's) who lives his life with zest and intensity basically said that as a man, you are lucky to get 75 years on this planet..And of that, maybe only 60-65 are what he says are "worth it"...He was colorful about it, going on about how shytty its gonna be when your dick doesn't work, you don't care anymore and you have hair growing out of your ears..:laugh:

 

I think part of the problem is that most people accept the aging process and what it does to us, and I can't seem to...I fight it hard..So it leads to this feeling that im gonna die suddenly, because I can't view myself as someone that is considered old..Time also seems to fly by faster now than at any other time...Days seem like hours and entire months like weeks..Sands keep flowing...

 

Maybe it's time to retire, although I don't see that as a viable scenario, not because i couldn't, but I do like being productive and busy...But that's not helping with the time situation...The busier you are, the faster the sands flow...

 

There are other thoughts, but trying to avoid running on....Interested in any insight or thoughts on this topic,....Thanks for taking the time to read or respond..;)

 

TFY

 

You should be mentoring someone or a group of someones who is younger than you and a percentage of your earning should be going to a organization of your choice. That could be your legacy. That you are not just sitting around collecting income and going straight home for comfort. That a couple dollars or your time could be changing someones life. Maybe you life is not fulfilling because your concern about the hour glass. Many people don't even cross the age of 40 or 30 or 20.

 

It sounds like you are having a self worth issue. Why do anything as it wont matter. Its possible you are hitting some form of depression as well but that is an assumption.

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thefooloftheyear
You should be mentoring someone or a group of someones who is younger than you and a percentage of your earning should be going to a organization of your choice. That could be your legacy. That you are not just sitting around collecting income and going straight home for comfort. That a couple dollars or your time could be changing someones life. Maybe you life is not fulfilling because your concern about the hour glass. Many people don't even cross the age of 40 or 30 or 20.

 

It sounds like you are having a self worth issue. Why do anything as it wont matter. Its possible you are hitting some form of depression as well but that is an assumption.

 

Most of my workforce is comprised of guys from 20-30 yrs old...Most of them are not necessarily well educated and often come from homes where there weren't always strong male role models...Most of them move on and I have maintained relationships with most of them...Some still call or text me and ask for advice on different topics...But it's ironic that you bring that up, as there is one thing I have been kicking around for a while...

 

About a decade ago, I had established a contact with a woman that worked in the prison system...She was impressed with how well I could relate to younger guys..She floated the idea of having me spearhead a program for some of the inmates to instruct and mentor in areas having to do with the type of businesses I operate...It would be mostly vocational based, to give some of these guys an opportunity to get an entry level job, and through my vast contacts, it could all be accomplished in house, so to speak..

 

Well, I came up with a detailed proposal....They loved the idea....But couldn't come up with the funding I projected....They suggested I do it for nothing...:laugh:...When I tell you it was very conservative...I mean I really thought it would breeze through, as did the female administrator.that first suggested the idea..

 

Well...I have been considering "shopping" my proposal around to other prison systems...All the leg work has been already done...I wouldn't necessarily mind doing it for nothing, but the time investment would be too great, and I still need to earn if I am to put that type of time/effort in ..

 

That's one of the things I have been toying with....

 

But these feelings still linger...I can't seem to get away from it...It could be a form of depression...I dunno...Like I said, I have a lot to be thankful for so I should be more upbeat and less negative about where I an at this point..

 

Thank you all for your suggestions and comments......I do have some more to say, and address some other posters, but frankly time to ponder my thoughts and put it to words had been scarce....I even worked the holiday...:(

 

I will follow up soon. so if interested, revisit for an update..;)

 

TFY

Edited by thefooloftheyear
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Im happy I stumbled onto this thread because I have some of the same feelings and also wondered if it could be a little depression. But I don't think Im depressed. I think things just look different at 47 than they did 10 or 20 years ago.

 

For me, the idea that I might not be here is very strong. Im not thinking Im going to die anytime soon, but things like this -- I lost a crown a couple of years ago, havent had any pain in the tooth, and when I think about getting it fixed I think maybe that tooth will outlast the rest of me as is. And I feel like I want to prepare enough for the future in case I happen to still be here, but I want my main focus to be on the here and now. I dont want to spend whatever time ive got just squirreling away funds for in case i happen to be alive later.

 

I do feel like death is much more of a reality for me now. I dont feel so much scared of it as curious to find out how itll happen, how does my story end? The one thing i worry about, though, is i dont want my kids to have to see me very sick or have to take care of me. I think sometimes about what might be the easiest, least painful way to end it myself if im ever faced with that scenario and im afraid i probably couldnt do it.

 

And Midnight Amber, I have pretty much done what youre talking about. I used to be a lawyer before i had kids and was a stay at home mom for 12 years. When it was time to work again i couldnt stand the thought of lawyering. I wanted something with no stress, that I wouldnt have to think about when i wasnt doing it. So i started ubering and i love it. My work life is now a series of 20 minute relationships and its a lot of fun. Every ride is a possible adventure.

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When I stop and think about it, being close to someone who doesn't fear death seems to have centered me on the inevitability of it.

 

Many years ago, my mother came close to dying. We're talking "Maybe go get a priest so she can be read her last rites" close. She thankfully pulled through and eventually made a full recovery. She was always a busy, involved person, but I think the experience intensified that. Even more than a decade later, she still has something going on almost every day, sometimes to a point where I feel the need to tell her to slow down a bit and conserve her energy.

 

She is a spiritual person, but has a more balanced view of the afterlife, conceding that she doesn't really think anything happens to us once we are gone. Knowing this, I was surprised at her response when I asked her if she thinks much about death. She said something to the effect of, "No, I don't have the time. I've got too many other things I want to do."

 

Now, you could interpret this as someone plunging their head into the sand and avoiding the issue all together. But my take was that this is a woman who has made peace with the reality that one day, she will die. She will be physically gone and there is nothing she can do about it; so it's a waste of time to worry too much about it. Rather, let that truth be what fuels you to make the most of your time now. That could be anything from taking a trip to simply enjoying a good book on the patio some cool summer morning.

 

I see her often, and dawned on me recently that while I fret about a lot of things, both big and small in scale, this time spent with her has led to my mortality not being one of those spots of concern.

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