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Recognizing your own mortallity...and how it affects you..


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Old 28th June 2017, 5:30 AM   #1
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Recognizing your own mortallity...and how it affects you..

Many months ago. I started a thread about loss of interest in long term hobbies...This is kind of a follow up...No change on that front...

Anyway, I wanted to put this out there in the hopes that perhaps some feel the same and how they deal with it, or can offer any helpful tips...

So here's the deal..

Seems like when I reached my mid 40's, things really changed for me...You want to call it a mid life crisis, fine...but there now has been a new feeling, now that I have just crossed 50, and it's dominated my thoughts as of late..

My death is in clear view now...It's not scary to me...just reality, and its changed me in a not so good way..

Before I get into the in's and out's of this, let me say this...Right now, I have a lot to be thankful for...I am in near peak physical condition, and other than a some little nagging aches and shyt, health wise I couldn't be better..Everything works as it should ..Have no real financial headaches, a have a wonderful daughter that means the world to me and personal and family life are settled..so let's get that out of the way...

That being said, I stare at the hourglass of life and the sands seem to be running out...I no longer make decisions based on facts always, I make them with the thinking that I wont be here, so it wont matter..

Stuff that used to bother me, no longer does..I guess you can say that's good, but it's also not so good, because the reason it doesn't bother me is because I wont be here..

It doesn't help that every time I talk to someone I know, it always seems to start with .."hey, did you hear that so and so passed away?"...And its always a guy...Men die...Its just a fact of life...I watched a video recently where this guy(probably 30's) who lives his life with zest and intensity basically said that as a man, you are lucky to get 75 years on this planet..And of that, maybe only 60-65 are what he says are "worth it"...He was colorful about it, going on about how shytty its gonna be when your dick doesn't work, you don't care anymore and you have hair growing out of your ears..

I think part of the problem is that most people accept the aging process and what it does to us, and I can't seem to...I fight it hard..So it leads to this feeling that im gonna die suddenly, because I can't view myself as someone that is considered old..Time also seems to fly by faster now than at any other time...Days seem like hours and entire months like weeks..Sands keep flowing...

Maybe it's time to retire, although I don't see that as a viable scenario, not because i couldn't, but I do like being productive and busy...But that's not helping with the time situation...The busier you are, the faster the sands flow...

There are other thoughts, but trying to avoid running on....Interested in any insight or thoughts on this topic,....Thanks for taking the time to read or respond..

TFY
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Old 28th June 2017, 5:21 PM   #2
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What is it you think you're missing or what are some things you haven't done that you wanted to do?

Me personally I don't think I've done enough in my life just to do it. One big regret is not joining the military when I was younger. I could've gotten to travel and live aboard. My maturity isn't where I'd like it be. Sometimes that weighs in on me. I also don't take as much pleasure in hobbies I used to enjoy. It's like I have to force myself to read books or participate in comparative exercises. I don't know, maybe it's depression.

*shrugs
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Old 29th June 2017, 8:14 PM   #3
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I've very much enjoyed reading your posts in the short time I have been here at LS, FTY. It's nice to "see" such a self aware man.

Do you WANT to die? I don't mean do you want to take your own life, I mean would you rather it come sooner than later? What do you think happens after death? Anything?

Is your father still living? If not, did he die young?

What specifically are you no longer interested in that you use to be?
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Old 29th June 2017, 9:34 PM   #4
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I nearly died last year, from my second bout of Tuberculosis, but eventually got through it.

Since then I've made sure to make the most of every day.

"Zero tolerance of missed opportunities."

LOL.


Take care.
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Old 29th June 2017, 9:39 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by thefooloftheyear View Post



There are other thoughts, but trying to avoid running on....

TFY
Well, continue.

It feels like when reading your post that something is missing. What is it?

I ask myself every morning what is your purpose today. I believe in intentional living.

For awhile it was filled with sadness. My brother suffered a stroke, never will recover. My h and I took over care for my mom, she passed, then lost my sister.

Joy seemed far away. What was missing for me was my family.

But I have grandkids and that's my purpose now to be there for them. Sure I could stay in my grief or I could see the joy in just living and loving. That's what I choose.

What's your purpose? Continue your story, please.
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Old 29th June 2017, 10:38 PM   #6
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Quote:
Quote:
Originally Posted by CautiouslyOptimistic View Post
I've very much enjoyed reading your posts in the short time I have been here at LS, FTY. It's nice to "see" such a self aware man.
Thank you...That's very kind of you ...feeling mutual...

Quote:
Do you WANT to die? I don't mean do you want to take your own life, I mean would you rather it come sooner than later? What do you think happens after death? Anything?
I guess not...I mean, I take very good care of myself and do everything I am supposed to...If I wanted this to end, then I probably wouldn't bother?? I am OK with it...Although I am generally a spiritual person, I really don't know what awaits...I don't fear it...

Quote:
Is your father still living? If not, did he die young?
He died a few years ago....late 70's, but truth is he probably should have been dead in his 50's or 60's ....Meds and a low stress life are the only things that kept him going...By low stress, I mean he didn't give a shyt about anything...


Quote:
What specifically are you no longer interested in that you use to be?
Practically everything....Hobbies and such......Ive had a good group of friends but and while they still call me and want me to get out more, I am getting the sense that they feel like I no longer want it, so they have been a bit distant....I did take a short trip with a few guys last year...It was a VIP kind of thing...Most guys would have done backflips ...I couldn't wait to get home....Its weird...

I dunno...I see a lot of people my age like to drink...I don't ..Not for high moral ground of anything, just that my body reacts negatively to alcohol even in light amounts so I avoid it......Maybe that's my problem...Despite my somewhat rag tag approach here, I am actually a pretty decent guy, and do have a good sense of humor...I'm not always a wet blanket...

Thanks again..

TFY
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Old 30th June 2017, 1:55 PM   #7
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Sounds to me like you are just bored. Since you're no longer doing any of your old hobbies, and it sounds like you might actually have time for hobbies, maybe you should think way outside of the box and take up something you've know nothing about and learn it from the ground up. Painting, playing an instrument, aquaponics, ballet .

How often do you have your daugher? Do you feel like you lack purpose or significance?
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Old 30th June 2017, 2:08 PM   #8
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I've just started to see my mortality in the last few years ... and it has been the best thing to ever happen to me.

I used to live life wanting the best this and that (job, salary) and stressing about women and what society thinks of me, and trying to keep up with my friends. Never as much as others, mind you, but now I want experiences I can cherish and meaning from the things I do.

Because I care less about more frivolous things, I can really be the person I want to be, and I'm pretty happy with myself. I can also treat other people much better. I'm pretty happy.

I only with I had figured this out much sooner.
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Old 30th June 2017, 2:41 PM   #9
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Mortality has organized priorities. Others wants and needs are now secondary. They always should have been but that was my error.

If I want to spend the day looking into the forest and pondering the movements of a hummingbird and reveling in nature's beauty, that's what I do. Etc, etc. I call it unplugging from the Matrix. No sense in being a battery others suck the life out of.

Similar to how the OP apparently does, I see a definitive ending, even though currently healthy and without complaint, and often process things as 'to die for' or 'will it last xxx?' and similar.

Like I told my best friend, I didn't move where I did to impress people. I moved there to die with a smile on my face. So far, even when stuff comes up, that smile is still there. Now if I can just keep the women away
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Old 30th June 2017, 8:17 PM   #10
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The fall is inevitable
The pain is optional

Good luck my friend!!
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Old 30th June 2017, 9:51 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by CautiouslyOptimistic View Post
Sounds to me like you are just bored. Since you're no longer doing any of your old hobbies, and it sounds like you might actually have time for hobbies, maybe you should think way outside of the box and take up something you've know nothing about and learn it from the ground up. Painting, playing an instrument, aquaponics, ballet .

How often do you have your daugher? Do you feel like you lack purpose or significance?

Time is actually limited..Even though ive tried to scale back on my business and hours, it seems like I can't...Here's what's crazy...At this point, I couldn't care less if my phone doesn't ring and I have no customers...Everything is paid for, I have investment income, and I'm just tired...I want to turn them away, but I then feel like I would be letting them down..so I keep it going...

But I am busier than ever.!!..go figure.......Ive thought of selling/getting out and possibly getting just a job, but I really never actually had a "real" job...I struck out on my own right out of college at 23 and here I am..How am I gonna punch a clock now?? I cant see it...,I do some consulting maybe I could expand that...I dunno...I am truly a Chief by nature, and would make a lousy Indian...So a job at this point is probably not an option, unless Larry Flynt needs me....That would work...

Every time I start to think of something or take a different approach, I remind myself that I may only have 15-20 years left in me, and of that , how much of it will be good.??....Its not that long of a time...I have this running little joke....I could commit a crime and turn myself in and plead guilty...A severe enough crime that no one gets hurt, but they put me away for that time(10-20).....Just think of all the rest I can get, and now the time will go super slllllloooooowww......

TFY
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Old 30th June 2017, 10:11 PM   #12
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I have this running little joke....I could commit a crime and turn myself in and plead guilty...A severe enough crime that no one gets hurt, but they put me away for that time(10-20).....Just think of all the rest I can get, and now the time will go super slllllloooooowww......

TFY
Well, don't do that! Retire and buy an RV and slowly travel around the U.S.! I think that would be equally as "restful."
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Old 30th June 2017, 10:18 PM   #13
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That's an idea. I was gonna say take some time off, maybe a month or 2 and give yourself time to think about how to fill what looks like a void.
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Old 1st July 2017, 12:49 AM   #14
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Learn how to golf. Or fish. Or both.
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Old 1st July 2017, 1:30 AM   #15
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Time is actually limited..Even though ive tried to scale back on my business and hours, it seems like I can't...Here's what's crazy...At this point, I couldn't care less if my phone doesn't ring and I have no customers...Everything is paid for, I have investment income, and I'm just tired...I want to turn them away, but I then feel like I would be letting them down..so I keep it going...

But I am busier than ever.!!..go figure.......Ive thought of selling/getting out and possibly getting just a job, but I really never actually had a "real" job...I struck out on my own right out of college at 23 and here I am..How am I gonna punch a clock now?? I cant see it...,I do some consulting maybe I could expand that...I dunno...I am truly a Chief by nature, and would make a lousy Indian...So a job at this point is probably not an option, unless Larry Flynt needs me....That would work...

Every time I start to think of something or take a different approach, I remind myself that I may only have 15-20 years left in me, and of that , how much of it will be good.??....Its not that long of a time...I have this running little joke....I could commit a crime and turn myself in and plead guilty...A severe enough crime that no one gets hurt, but they put me away for that time(10-20).....Just think of all the rest I can get, and now the time will go super slllllloooooowww......

TFY
Could always sell your business and either buy or create a new one. Change of scenery might do you good.
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