Improving myself

[CollegeKid101]

Hi guys,

 

I have been a frequent browser of this forum since my freshman year of college, I am now one class from graduating from a large state school and plan to attend grad school in the Fall.

 

My first year of college I went through a terrible high school break up, it was an extremely tough time in my life as I had stayed home attending community college, while all my friends were out partying at their colleges. I came here for advice and it really helped me get over my ex girlfriend and learn to be happy again.

 

I transferred after my first year and joined a fraternity, began working at a bar, and partying too much. The first 2.5 years I loved going out, smoking, experimenting with other drugs (nothing life threatening). I was extremely outgoing and popular and sadly got caught up in thinking going out and hooking up with girls was the cool thing to do. I became someone I really started to dislike a few months ago. I let girls cheat on their boyfriends with me, I did really like a girl early on my second year, but she didn't want any sort of commitment and kinda hurt me so I decided I do not want a relationship in college and that's where this new ****ty person stemmed from.

 

The last two months have been very difficult, I only have one class so I do not have much of a structure to life right now. Everyday is pretty much me trying to find something to do, I can only workout for so long and study for one class for so long...I began smoking (pot) even more to cope with being annoyed, angry, stressed, anything that made me upset, I would smoke marijuana to just forget about it. I also continued drinking 4 times a week, blacking out, and making stupid decisions. I would wake up feeling terrible about myself and in turn smoked, forgot about whatever bothered me, and just tried to use my friends and partying as a means to be happy.

 

Friday night I got incredibly wasted..I remember having a really good time and then somebody chirped at me in my fraternity and I hit them. I woke up with bruises, minor cuts, and a bump on my head. I didn't really aim to figure out the whole story, but I was in the wrong and acknowledge that. I decided the environment I was in was was not right for me, the school is centered around partying and doing drugs. The entire greek system is full of idiots and people who feel entitled that the world should revolve around them (I was one of these people). I moved back home as my class is online so I do not need to be on campus, I felt sad leaving my friends, but waking up knowing I did nothing productive and pretty much just waiting for grad school to start was the driving force behind leaving. I did not want to abuse alcohol or drugs anymore.

 

Hooking up with girls started making me feel worse about myself, I only felt an emotional connection with one girl, but she went abroad and her and I just went back and fourth for about a year..hook up, don't talk, hook up, talk a little, hook up, etc...I had sex with her twice sober...we had sex maybe 30 times. This is the same girl who just did not seem to want to commit to me for whatever reason. It's probably good she went abroad, since she accidentally gave me her ex-boyfriend's sweatshirt when she gave me all my clothes back at the end of the semester so she wasn't much different from anyone else.

 

So this semester, I have not hooked up with anyone. I do miss sex, but I also just started having zero interest in hooking up with these girls. I am thinking about trying to start dating again because I really am more of a relationship guy than a player, at least I was prior to all this fraternity bull****.

 

I know I put a lot in here..it feels good to vent especially when I feel like most of my friends do not care that I left. A few people texted me then stopped responding once I told them I'm trying to get away from all the partying for awhile. I am going on SB in about 2.5 weeks and feel like that will be good for me as I will be with some close friends.

 

Even though I partied a lot, my grades barely slipped..so I am starting an internship Mid-May at a large firm in one of the following cities, Boston, New York, Chicago, LA, and San Fran. Afterwards I will be attending grad school in one of those cities as well. From a career standpoint, I am in a great position..but I just don't feel that happy. Maybe it's because I want a relationship with someone normal? (not a sorority girl). I do not mean to generalize, but from my experience I just rather stay away from them for now.

 

Maybe I just feel lonely, like I said, waking up next to random girls who didn't matter did not fix that for me. It made it worse.

 

I'm not sure what I'm exactly looking for here in terms of a response, but I do feel better expressing my emotions and thoughts through this forum.

 

Oh, I know I sound like a douche in much of this post, but I really want to steer in a different direction. I have 2.5 months till my internship starts, I can work a bit for my parents here and there, but what other things can I do to keep busy and not think so much? Sitting around smoking and going out just made me think more and brought sad thoughts to me; past break ups, things I've done and said, etc.

 

Thanks for everybody took the time to read this block of text..I'll continue posting replies to other threads to help others as well, this seems to help me as well.

[normal person]

Casual hooking up can start to feel hollow and empty after a while. I bet once you start your internship and grad school, you'll feel like you have something to work towards; some sort of purpose in life, and you'll feel a lot better about yourself and how you spend your time. It'll give you some meaning.

 

Best of luck.

[lovely81]

Have you thought about taking a creative writing class? You write narrative very well. Or starting a writing project on your own. (Like writing down some of those memories.)Or how about volunteering?

 

Are there any friends you can count on who would encourage you in your new goals? It sounds as if you are trying to seriously change your lifestyle and will have to develop a new social circle, but there must be some friends already (maybe old ones) who you connect with on a deeper level.

 

Also, I spent most of my time in college trying to fit in with people who did not really reflect my values ... and then a lot of time afterwards doing the same thing, so kudos to you for figuring this out early.

 

It sounds like you are lonely and have done a lot of things to avoid the pain and are seeking healthier ways to process the pain. There are healthy activities that can nurture you. I do walks, hot baths, manicures, reading books, going to the cafe and people watching. They are not sexy (and for a guy, I guess manicures may not do the trick), but they've worked better for me than drinking and hooking up.

 

I remember the strange blocks of time between school and jobs. They were actually always the times my true self emerged most clearly, which could be scary, but were also real opportunities for creativity. My friend and I once went to a nearby town and took pictures. When your time is unscheduled, you're really confronted with what lies beneath.

 

Good luck!

[CollegeKid101]

Casual hooking up can start to feel hollow and empty after a while. I bet once you start your internship and grad school, you'll feel like you have something to work towards; some sort of purpose in life, and you'll feel a lot better about yourself and how you spend your time. It'll give you some meaning.

 

Best of luck.

 

I think so too, I feel like this is the most likely scenario as I am not really sad about anything in particular. I'm excited to be on a more structured scheduled, I will be living with one of my close friends who shares the same values as I do. He has the same outlook on our school and we chat frequently; currently we are casually looking for a place in the city after the summer.

[CollegeKid101]

Have you thought about taking a creative writing class? You write narrative very well. Or starting a writing project on your own. (Like writing down some of those memories.)Or how about volunteering?

 

Are there any friends you can count on who would encourage you in your new goals? It sounds as if you are trying to seriously change your lifestyle and will have to develop a new social circle, but there must be some friends already (maybe old ones) who you connect with on a deeper level.

 

Also, I spent most of my time in college trying to fit in with people who did not really reflect my values ... and then a lot of time afterwards doing the same thing, so kudos to you for figuring this out early.

 

It sounds like you are lonely and have done a lot of things to avoid the pain and are seeking healthier ways to process the pain. There are healthy activities that can nurture you. I do walks, hot baths, manicures, reading books, going to the cafe and people watching. They are not sexy (and for a guy, I guess manicures may not do the trick), but they've worked better for me than drinking and hooking up.

 

I remember the strange blocks of time between school and jobs. They were actually always the times my true self emerged most clearly, which could be scary, but were also real opportunities for creativity. My friend and I once went to a nearby town and took pictures. When your time is unscheduled, you're really confronted with what lies beneath.

 

Good luck!

 

I do enjoy reading and writing, most of my grad school next year will be just that. I have a hot tub, maybe I will try to utilize it more. I really would like to find some good books and get my mind on track as well. I had a pedicure yesterday, it was great.

 

I do have a good friend I will be living with next year. He is very supportive of my goals as he shares the same values/goals. I have a great family who has been very supportive despite my recent down-spiral. Volunteering sounds very productive and rewarding, I will look into that. Since I am back in my hometown, maybe I can try reconnecting with some old friends. However, most of them no longer live around me, but that's okay! I will meet a vast array of new people in the Fall.

 

Thank you for your advice.

 

I will continue to try filling my time with productive activities and look into picking up new hobbies.

[Mr Scorpio]

Oh, I know I sound like a douche in much of this post, but I really want to steer in a different direction. I have 2.5 months till my internship starts, I can work a bit for my parents here and there, but what other things can I do to keep busy and not think so much?

 

You do not sound like a douche at all. However, I am reminded of the old saying "the grass is always greener". That is to say try not to be too down on yourself for mowing thru a pile of drugs and having sex with gobs of women. You have plenty of time to get a boring accounting job fruitful career that will leave you longing for your college days intellectually fulfilled.

 

Setting all that aside, good on you for maturing. You got it out of your system early. You'll watch friends carry on partying into their 30's and 40's. You need something to keep your mind occupied? Learn guitar. Go.

[Tiger Lily]

CK101,

 

You seem like a very self-aware person for your age. I think your ability to step away from a destructive situation shows a lot of self-control and wisdom.

 

When I read your story, it reminded me of how all of us are ultimately lonely and looking to fill a void within ourselves. We all try to fill the void with something, but the question is: with what? Drugs, alcohol, women, money, power, education...there are many ways we try to dull our pains, fill our time, help us forget. They all give us temporary pleasure, but the pleasure never lasts.

 

The only way to fill our loneliness and find peace in our spirits is by connecting with God. But we can only do that if it's something we truly desire. Have you thought about connecting with God?

 

God bless, CK101. Let me know if you need any prayers as you consider this next stage of your life.

 

(:love:Jesus is Love:love:)

[CollegeKid101]

You do not sound like a douche at all. However, I am reminded of the old saying "the grass is always greener". That is to say try not to be too down on yourself for mowing thru a pile of drugs and having sex with gobs of women. You have plenty of time to get a boring accounting job fruitful career that will leave you longing for your college days intellectually fulfilled.

 

Setting all that aside, good on you for maturing. You got it out of your system early. You'll watch friends carry on partying into their 30's and 40's. You need something to keep your mind occupied? Learn guitar. Go.

 

Let me clarify, I do value the experiences I have had because they've helped me grow as a person and realize what I want out of life. However, I do see what you're saying; primarily the reason I chose to stay at school this semester was to enjoy that last bit of undergrad..but after nearly 2 months already of partying, I'm burning out. I'm bored of going to the same spot every night, seeing the same people, who I don't even really enjoy being around.

 

Haha, I liked the accounting job comment. I will be going on SB in a couple weeks so there will be plenty or partying there, I will also visit school again a few more times, I just did not want to be there every night anymore. It was exhausting. Being in the city next year will open up new social opportunities for me and while grad school will be difficult; I actually know a friend who attends the school I will be at and said there's time to go out and enjoy still so I look forward to that.

 

Thanks for the advice, I won't get too down on myself.

[CollegeKid101]

CK101,

 

You seem like a very self-aware person for your age. I think your ability to step away from a destructive situation shows a lot of self-control and wisdom.

 

When I read your story, it reminded me of how all of us are ultimately lonely and looking to fill a void within ourselves. We all try to fill the void with something, but the question is: with what? Drugs, alcohol, women, money, power, education...there are many ways we try to dull our pains, fill our time, help us forget. They all give us temporary pleasure, but the pleasure never lasts.

 

The only way to fill our loneliness and find peace in our spirits is by connecting with God. But we can only do that if it's something we truly desire. Have you thought about connecting with God?

 

God bless, CK101. Let me know if you need any prayers as you consider this next stage of your life.

 

(:love:Jesus is Love:love:)

 

I was raised Christian and do believe in God, however, to be quite honest, I do not attend church regularly. I am going to look into volunteering at the church I use to attend.

 

Thank you for your kind words, they mean a lot. Perhaps we could DM one another about this topic.