Losing friends during times of hardship

[truthtripper]

I have been suffering from a debilitating chronic physical illness(muscular and connective tissue disorder)for the past 6 months. During this time my friends gradually began to distance themselves from me. Now I never hear from them.

 

I feel let down and disappointed as I have known them for many years and expected them to have more compassion.

 

How can friends become so selfish and heartless? It seems that our friendships are only valuable to them when I am healthy and able to go out but not when I am sick.

 

It's a horrible time to discover that these people were not really my friends to begin with.

 

Has anyone experienced similar reactions from friends during times of hardship?

[carhill]

Expect it. Regardless of hardship.

 

IMO, appreciate people who are around, when they're around and when they're gone, it's you and your love for yourself and life and appreciation for all the good times you've had.

 

I saw a lot of it as a caregiver. People scatter like rats once they know there isn't any booty to snatch. Situation, human.

 

Please accept my best wishes and prayers for comfort in this difficult time.

 

Ha, it just occurred to me that my best friend was so flabbergasted by my steadfast resolve when he had cancer that he bought me a house, one I never lived in. Just because he could and I wanted something to do. I had made a promise to myself after being a caregiver that a friend in need was a friend indeed and there were no questions asked other than what they need.

[Methodical]

I have stated many times on this forum that most ppl have many acquaintances and few friends for this very reason. Ppl you *think* are friends will stand by your side during times of prosperity. The minute adversity strikes, the fair-weather friends slither away and you quickly learn who your true friends are. Normally, that boils down to a handful, give or take a few. Most ppl could use a helping hand from time to time or have someone to lean on temporarily. Hope things improve and you feel better soon .

[truthtripper]

Expect it. Regardless of hardship.

 

IMO, appreciate people who are around, when they're around and when they're gone, it's you and your love for yourself and life and appreciation for all the good times you've had.

 

I saw a lot of it as a caregiver. People scatter like rats once they know there isn't any booty to snatch. Situation, human.

 

Please accept my best wishes and prayers for comfort in this difficult time.

 

Ha, it just occurred to me that my best friend was so flabbergasted by my steadfast resolve when he had cancer that he bought me a house, one I never lived in. Just because he could and I wanted something to do. I had made a promise to myself after being a caregiver that a friend in need was a friend indeed and there were no questions asked other than what they need.

 

Thanks carhill, the rat analogy certainly equates with my situation.

 

If I had a friend like you, I'd buy them a house too(if I had the money!)!

[truthtripper]

I have stated many times on this forum that most ppl have many acquaintances and few friends for this very reason. Ppl you *think* are friends will stand by your side during times of prosperity. The minute adversity strikes, the fair-weather friends slither away and you quickly learn who your true friends are. Normally, that boils down to a handful, give or take a few. Most ppl could use a helping hand from time to time or have someone to lean on temporarily. Hope things improve and you feel better soon .

Methodical, at the moment I don't even have that handful of friends. I'm in a difficult place. The only people who are assisting me are the community services people I pay. Isn't it ironic when you need your friends the most, they are not there.

[Methodical]

Methodical, at the moment I don't even have that handful of friends. I'm in a difficult place. The only people who are assisting me are the community services people I pay. Isn't it ironic when you need your friends the most, they are not there.

 

Yeah, sounds like you fall into the category of 'minus a handful'. It's sad when your support network turns their backs when the chips are down. I'll bet if you won the lottery you couldn't get a moment of peace from those same ppl, which is why I consider ppl like that acquaintances.

 

True friends are rare gems!

 

You are hurt bc the very ppl you care/d about and would have weathered any storm with have discarded you. You are going through a tough time and the road you are currently traveling is filled with bumps and curves. Hopefully that will change before long. (Gotta think positive, don't ya know .) Given that your condition is chronic, you may never be 100%, but that doesn't mean you won't have days where you're 95%. And when those days come around, you'll have to decide whether or not those acquaintances are worth your precious time.

 

I choose to share my time and energy with the ppl who do the same for me. Ha, and if I won the lottery, those are the ppl I'd make sure were taken care of .

 

Here's a virtual hug and hope you feel better soon.

[truthtripper]

Yeah, sounds like you fall into the category of 'minus a handful'. It's sad when your support network turns their backs when the chips are down. I'll bet if you won the lottery you couldn't get a moment of peace from those same ppl, which is why I consider ppl like that acquaintances.

 

True friends are rare gems!

 

You are hurt bc the very ppl you care/d about and would have weathered any storm with have discarded you. You are going through a tough time and the road you are currently traveling is filled with bumps and curves. Hopefully that will change before long. (Gotta think positive, don't ya know .) Given that your condition is chronic, you may never be 100%, but that doesn't mean you won't have days where you're 95%. And when those days come around, you'll have to decide whether or not those acquaintances are worth your precious time.

 

I choose to share my time and energy with the ppl who do the same for me. Ha, and if I won the lottery, those are the ppl I'd make sure were taken care of .

 

Here's a virtual hug and hope you feel better soon.

Thanks Methodical, I'm unaccustomed to being disabled as my condition slowly crept up on me over the years until I just couldn't keep living as I usually do. So, I'm still in the process of mentally adjusting to it. Hopefully then I'll be more emotionally able to reach out to others.

[Buddhist]

Yes. It happens all the time. Fair-weather friends are easy to come by. There is also this contagion in modern society called positivity. Where people fear negativity to such a degree that they actually block it out of their fields of experience in fear of it catching and dragging them down. It's one thing to choose not to be around chronically complaining people who's lives are otherwise okay. Quite another to abandon the genuinely sick because they might lower your mood. It seems compassion has become a rarity in life.

 

I feel for you.

[truthtripper]

Yes. It happens all the time. Fair-weather friends are easy to come by. There is also this contagion in modern society called positivity. Where people fear negativity to such a degree that they actually block it out of their fields of experience in fear of it catching and dragging them down. It's one thing to choose not to be around chronically complaining people who's lives are otherwise okay. Quite another to abandon the genuinely sick because they might lower your mood. It seems compassion has become a rarity in life.

 

I feel for you.

Thanks Buddhist, do you think positivity and subsequent lack of compassion arises from the primitive survival instinct? Are sick people subconsciously perceived as weakening the species? Is it that at this stage in our existence, human consciousness is just not evolved enough to enable us to be more readily compassionate?

[Buddhist]

Thanks Buddhist, do you think positivity and subsequent lack of compassion arises from the primitive survival instinct? Are sick people subconsciously perceived as weakening the species? Is it that at this stage in our existence, human consciousness is just not evolved enough to enable us to be more readily compassionate?

 

Not really. I think it comes from the basic culture of selfishness perpetuated by feel good guru's and the new age movement. Personally. We have a culture of personal success that has people stepping on each other in some kind of race to nowhere.

[deep_night]

im so sorry :/ unfortunately that's when you can see who really cares... and it seems that the people who need company and appreciate others the most, are left alone. it sucks. i cant imagine abandoning someone i love during this kind of hardship. there's still things you can do with a friend even if they cant move and go out much. you can have tea, you can knit, you can watch movies, you can play computer or board games, you can read comics, you can draw, or you can jut sit down and chat :/

 

its not your fault. these people are just jerks and their priorities in life are f*cked up :|

 

but yeah, i've experienced the same, for mental health conditions though. i was diagnosed with depression (added to other mental health problems). at my lowest point, long time friends and even family members put me aside :/ just when i needed their company the most. i didnt even complain to them or anything, i just wanted to go a walk or have a lunch together and talk about off topic stuff. i think they were just ashamed of me. i've been excluded from cousin gatherings and it hurt a lot. and i swear, i've never ever created a problem with family (just with my mum, but she wants me around :/). i guess im at fault for being awkward and struggling and sad.... as if im some kind of subhuman species because i have difficulty coping.

 

something broke inside me because i grew up together with these people. but when i decided to remove them from the most precious part of my heart and downgrade them to "less important people" i felt much better. cos the best part s now reserved for the people who truly, truly love (and will love) me. and i will never stop looking for these people. so, it may hurt a lot now, but your heart now has space for the best of the best. you never know when you'll make a new friend for life <3

[truthtripper]

Not really. I think it comes from the basic culture of selfishness perpetuated by feel good guru's and the new age movement. Personally. We have a culture of personal success that has people stepping on each other in some kind of race to nowhere.

...but the selfishness has to have an origin. The feel good gurus didn't create selfishness, they know they can easily tap into it in people as a means of gaining popularity, money and power. Looking at it from a primitive perspective, selfishness enables one to be more highly adaptive to their environment, to be more prepared for predator attack or famine. I believe selfishness definitely has survival roots, it's innate in us, which allows people to generate so much money from it.

[truthtripper]

im so sorry :/ unfortunately that's when you can see who really cares... and it seems that the people who need company and appreciate others the most, are left alone. it sucks. i cant imagine abandoning someone i love during this kind of hardship. there's still things you can do with a friend even if they cant move and go out much. you can have tea, you can knit, you can watch movies, you can play computer or board games, you can read comics, you can draw, or you can jut sit down and chat :/

 

its not your fault. these people are just jerks and their priorities in life are f*cked up :|

 

but yeah, i've experienced the same, for mental health conditions though. i was diagnosed with depression (added to other mental health problems). at my lowest point, long time friends and even family members put me aside :/ just when i needed their company the most. i didnt even complain to them or anything, i just wanted to go a walk or have a lunch together and talk about off topic stuff. i think they were just ashamed of me. i've been excluded from cousin gatherings and it hurt a lot. and i swear, i've never ever created a problem with family (just with my mum, but she wants me around :/). i guess im at fault for being awkward and struggling and sad.... as if im some kind of subhuman species because i have difficulty coping.

 

something broke inside me because i grew up together with these people. but when i decided to remove them from the most precious part of my heart and downgrade them to "less important people" i felt much better. cos the best part s now reserved for the people who truly, truly love (and will love) me. and i will never stop looking for these people. so, it may hurt a lot now, but your heart now has space for the best of the best. you never know when you'll make a new friend for life <3

Thanks deep_night, I'm sorry you were deserted too. It's good you hung in there and are in a much better place now. It takes a lot of hard work to get there.

 

I'm not physically mobile at the moment so I'm not able to get out and meet new people. Very depressing. The thought that one day I'm going to die, consoles me. Hopefull my health will improve so I don't keep feeling this way.

[sooshi]

truthtripper,

 

I am sorry for what you're going through. You're experiencing a very difficult time in your life and your friends aren't there for you as you had hoped.

 

Perhaps your current condition has aroused fear in them, and they don't know how to respond for whatever reason. But still, a true friend would deem your need for support more important than a fear they might have.

 

Like Buddhist, I feel for you.

 

I am sending you healing energy, and you are in my thoughts.

 

May comfort, peace, and recovery come to you and stay with you.

[truthtripper]

truthtripper,

 

I am sorry for what you're going through. You're experiencing a very difficult time in your life and your friends aren't there for you as you had hoped.

 

Perhaps your current condition has aroused fear in them, and they don't know how to respond for whatever reason. But still, a true friend would deem your need for support more important than a fear they might have.

 

Like Buddhist, I feel for you.

 

I am sending you healing energy, and you are in my thoughts.

 

May comfort, peace, and recovery come to you and stay with you.

Sooshie, thank-you so much for your kind words and thoughts. I also think it's a fear that keeps them away. The fact that these people were once in regular contact with me, then completely disappear, is why I think the cause stems from a subconscious primitive survival reaction. Of course they have the choice to decide, but the protective instinct to keep away is much more powerful than any conscious thought of compassion.

[sooshi]

Big hugs to you, truthtripper.

 

I know what it's like for people who are ill to face loneliness. I used to be involved with long-term care and hospice care. Many residents had little to no family or friends visit them. It was really disheartening and heartbreaking.

 

My dad's long-time friend developed dementia, and when he went back to his homeland to visit, he did not go to see this friend. He said it would be too hard. I can understand. It would be painful. But I think that even if his friend didn't recognize him, the essence of his spirit would, even if not in the moments spent together.

 

You have something about the protective instinct vs conscious thought of compassion. There is the bystander effect, where let's say a stranger is hurt, and many might pass by, thinking that someone else will help. It's not that the people around them don't care, but perhaps they are afraid of doing the wrong thing, or lacking confidence in what to do. I am sure that most of them care on some level, but are afraid, and this body sees this fear as some sort of threat (even if it isn't), and it keeps them from acting even though they may want to.

 

Take good care. <3

[truthtripper]

Big hugs to you, truthtripper.

 

I know what it's like for people who are ill to face loneliness. I used to be involved with long-term care and hospice care. Many residents had little to no family or friends visit them. It was really disheartening and heartbreaking.

 

My dad's long-time friend developed dementia, and when he went back to his homeland to visit, he did not go to see this friend. He said it would be too hard. I can understand. It would be painful. But I think that even if his friend didn't recognize him, the essence of his spirit would, even if not in the moments spent together.

 

You have something about the protective instinct vs conscious thought of compassion. There is the bystander effect, where let's say a stranger is hurt, and many might pass by, thinking that someone else will help. It's not that the people around them don't care, but perhaps they are afraid of doing the wrong thing, or lacking confidence in what to do. I am sure that most of them care on some level, but are afraid, and this body sees this fear as some sort of threat (even if it isn't), and it keeps them from acting even though they may want to.

Take good care. <3

Sooshie, I don't understand. If people really care but feel inadequate, it doesn't make sense that they would just disappear. I would imagine they would ask, "How can I help?"

Edited September 16, 2016 by truthtripper

[spiderowl]

I am sorry for what you are going through. I do understand what it's like to be in constant pain.

 

I don't think one would automatically lose friends because of illness. Friends can be kind and caring and many are. What can turn friends off is if one has expectations of them. Expecting friends to be there, to be caring and to do things to help, is another thing altogether. People like to volunteer, not feel pressured. Obviously, I do not know what your attitude to your friends is, but it is best to be aware of what motivates people.

 

People love to feel appreciated. If someone comes to see you, be pleased to see him/her. Don't comment on how long it was since you saw them, simply be happy they are there.

 

Don't give them a list of things that need doing. I have a friend who became ill recently who became very demanding of others and barely ever thought to thank them for what they had done (in fact complained it wasn't right!). These were friends that were truly caring and went out of their way to help. Again, if people do not feel loved and appreciated, they become demoralised and give up.

 

Thank your friends for what they do. Be interested in them (it's so easy to become bogged down and demoralised when feeling ill and in pain). Remember, they have needs to be loved and heard too.

 

The above is not intended to criticise in any way. I only mention these things in fact because of the friend I have who was unaware of how thoughtlessly she was treating her friends. They completely understood she was ill and put up with a lot because they truly wanted to help her. I wouldn't like to think someone was unintentionally doing likewise. If you love and appreciate your friends, you will see more of them I am sure.

 

I truly hope you feel better soon as I know how it feels.

Edited September 25, 2016 by spiderowl

[truthtripper]

Thanks for your comments Spiderowl. I don't need to ask anyone for help because I have community services carers.

 

In the past when I could still manage on my own, some of my friends would offer their help, but I always declined because I'm more of an independent person when it comes to personal business.

 

Really, it's simply friendship and company that I miss. We used to meet up regularly, but now that I'm sick I can't go out and this seems to be perhaps threatening or simply boring for them.

 

I don't complain to them about our dwindling friendships as I realise that will push them away, although, it seems being sick has done that anyway. I have only emoted to my parents and on LS.

[Offspring]

I'm sorry you are going through this. It's a horrible thing to have a debilitating disease or illness, let alone feel isolated and abandoned.

 

Have you preached out to them? Maybe you could call one of them and invite them over for dinner?

 

When we're like this, it is easy to assume that a) they know about it, and b) they have empathy.

 

The other thing is, people don't empathise until it happens to them.

 

If you can, try to make the most of the situation.. Catch up on hobbies and things (if you can) that you've been putting off. Use services and don't expect your friends to be the 'service', if you know what i mean.

 

Chronic illness and being housebound is a very trying time, and can feel isolating. Post here often, reach out and see what happens. Hopefully there is an end to your suffering. The other thing is, you'd be surprised who can come put of the wood work when you're sick. You might just make some new frinds, you never know.

 

Take care

[Offspring]

Methodical, at the moment I don't even have that handful of friends. I'm in a difficult place. The only people who are assisting me are the community services people I pay. Isn't it ironic when you need your friends the most, they are not there.

 

Yes, and it's sad.

 

I couldn't move for one week,and struggled for 2-3 weeks with mobility etc. i know it's probably a short amount of time compared to your predicament, but posting this cos i know how you feel.

 

I literally spent two entire days unable to move, and feeling isolated, like i couldn't call anyone. I changed my environment to suit my condition (it took a long time!), i used a broom to support myself to hobble around. It would take me 20 mins to get to the toilet and actually go.

 

I reduced my environment down to it's basics: food, shelter, water and toileting, and figured of i could take care of these things, i would be okay. I did not leave my apartment for five days, and could not even get down the stairs in this time. Doing the dishes was a major achievement for me, and it felt so good the first time i did it (with my injury).. Mind you, it took me about an hour, i had to do it so slowly!

 

I think what would be good for you would be to set an achievable goal for yourself each day: mine was 'doing the dishes'. Just pick something: it might be putting your clothes away, or preparing a light meal, doing your hair.. Just something.

[truthtripper]

I'm sorry you are going through this. It's a horrible thing to have a debilitating disease or illness, let alone feel isolated and abandoned.

 

Have you preached out to them? Maybe you could call one of them and invite them over for dinner?

 

When we're like this, it is easy to assume that a) they know about it, and b) they have empathy.

 

The other thing is, people don't empathise until it happens to them.

 

If you can, try to make the most of the situation.. Catch up on hobbies and things (if you can) that you've been putting off. Use services and don't expect your friends to be the 'service', if you know what i mean.

 

Chronic illness and being housebound is a very trying time, and can feel isolating. Post here often, reach out and see what happens. Hopefully there is an end to your suffering. The other thing is, you'd be surprised who can come put of the wood work when you're sick. You might just make some new frinds, you never know.

 

Take care

Thanks Offspring, I've invited them several times but they always make excuses, or say they'll call me when they have more time, but never do. They never treated me that way before.

 

Our relationships were more based on going out, having fun and relaxing, rather than becoming involved in each other's personal problems. So I don't ask for help but I don't really need that anyway, just company.

 

I have a little cat which I adore, so I do have some company.

 

I'm looking forward to when I have the strength to go out again so I can meet new people and hopefully makes some new friends.

[Offspring]

Methodical, at the moment I don't even have that handful of friends. I'm in a difficult place. The only people who are assisting me are the community services people I pay. Isn't it ironic when you need your friends the most, they are not there.

 

Yes, and it's sad.

 

I couldn't move for one week,and struggled for 2-3 weeks with mobility etc. i know it's probably a short amount of time compared to your predicament, but posting this cos i know how you feel.

 

I literally spent two entire days unable to move, and feeling isolated, like i couldn't call anyone. I changed my environment to suit my condition (it took a long time!), i used a broom to support myself to hobble around. It would take me 20 mins to get to the toilet and actually go.

 

I reduced my environment down to it's basics: food, shelter, water and toileting, and figured of i could take care of these things, i would be okay. I did not leave my apartment for five days, and could not even get down the stairs in this time. Doing the dishes was a major achievement for me, and it felt so good the first time i did it (with my injury).. Mind you, it took me about an hour, i had to do it so slowly!

 

I think what would be good for you would be to set an achievable goal for yourself each day: mine was 'doing the dishes'. Just pick something: it might be putting your clothes away, or preparing a light meal.

[truthtripper]

Yes, and it's sad.

 

I couldn't move for one week,and struggled for 2-3 weeks with mobility etc. i know it's probably a short amount of time compared to your predicament, but posting this cos i know how you feel.

 

I literally spent two entire days unable to move, and feeling isolated, like i couldn't call anyone. I changed my environment to suit my condition (it took a long time!), i used a broom to support myself to hobble around. It would take me 20 mins to get to the toilet and actually go.

 

I reduced my environment down to it's basics: food, shelter, water and toileting, and figured of i could take care of these things, i would be okay. I did not leave my apartment for five days, and could not even get down the stairs in this time. Doing the dishes was a major achievement for me, and it felt so good the first time i did it (with my injury).. Mind you, it took me about an hour, i had to do it so slowly!

 

I think what would be good for you would be to set an achievable goal for yourself each day: mine was 'doing the dishes'. Just pick something: it might be putting your clothes away, or preparing a light meal, doing your hair.. Just something.

Yes, whenever I have to walk from one room to the next, it's like a going on a long and treacherous voyage.

 

I use the broom too, but I have to be careful that I don't dislocate my shoulders in the process, as I have extremely loose joints(weak connective tissue). I'm not able to crawl as that will dislocate my knees and wrists.

 

Over the last 6 months I've become quite a pro at handling my movements around the house! I've been conquering new challenges everyday. To keep going, there's no other way to look at it. One thing I've learnt is patience!

 

What was your injury, if you don't mind me asking? Just a few weeks of immobilisation is enough I think!

[truthtripper]

Spiralout and Offspring, let my clarify- I can just manage on my own, but I wouldn't turn down help if it was offered. When people offer support, I feel cared for, so it's more my needing that than wanting people to wait on me hand and foot. I've only asked my parents for some help but never my friends.

 

I feel more secure when I know there are people around who can be there for me in case of an emergency for example. Just the other day my ankle dislocated after I rested my hot water bottle on my feet. It would have been helpful if there was someone I could call, but I had to hobble around in diabolical agony for a whole day, until eventually I managed to click it back into place. Anyway, I've learnt to never again put my hot water bottle on my feet along with countless other forbidden body movements.

 

I worry about my future, as there is no medication which tightens ligaments, only painkillers and anti-inflammatories. There is a herb called Solomon's seal which can detect if ligaments are too loose or too tight and apparently can adjust them accordingly. I've been taking this in a formula for several months and do feel myself getting a little stronger but it's very slow progress and I don't know if it will give me back enough strength to live normally again.

 

My doctor says I have Ehlers Danlos-like symptoms. It's a genetic disorder, but I can't find out if I actually have it not as they don't do tests for rare genetic conditions in Australia. I would have to go to the US for that. My aunt has very similar problems to me so I'm guessing it's genetic. I also had joint issues in my childhood which points to a genetic cause.