Jump to content

Feeling very depressed...


Recommended Posts

I feel extremely depressed recently (within the past 1-2 years). I have written other posts here about my detailed history/situation, so I won't go into all that here. BUT... I'm struggling in all areas of my life... especially my marriage and social relationships. I'm 31 years old. I feel like no one prepared me to be this age. I'm finding this age to be the most difficult I have experienced. I have very little support-most of my friends live in other states, far away, as do my parents. How do you cope with feeling lost, hopeless, depressed, anxious, and empty most of the time? I see a therapist weekly, and last week, he told me that I should divorce my husband. It just made me feel even more confused and stressed... He's never met my husband, or even seen us interact, but he's suggesting divorce. Should I see a new therapist? I was looking into couple's counseling... my husband agreed to go with me, as long as I make all of the arrangements (find a therapist, schedule the appointment, find out about insurance, etc.)... My husband makes it seem like I am the only one who has a "problem", and who is depressed and unhappy with our situation. then again, I feel like most people I try to talk to/reach out to don't understand me, or how I feel...Being depressed is very isolating. No one wants to be around you, and they label you as a "negative person", which isn't fair, in my opinion. Even my husband calls me a "negative person." But depression isn't ALL of me. I actually used to be a very happy, energetic, funny, passionate person. Depression skews your sense of reality. And I often feel confused, because I don't know if this is an internal problem with me, or if I'm depressed because of circumstances. Or, if it's a combination?

 

I've been suicidal for the past couple of years, which is why I started seeing my current therapist. I was hopeful that he could help me, but he seems to be primarily focused on my marriage. And my relationship with my parents/childhood. Has anyone else found that therapy didn't help them? Especially with depression? I've never tried medication, as I'm scared of the side effects, but things are bad enough now that I'm thinking of asking for some at this point. I feel guilty a lot, too. Like I'm not a good wife, or friend, or employee at my job.... I feel like I'm not successful at anything. Especially at making friends. I wasn't prepared for the isolation and loneliness of being this age, married with no children, and living in the suburbs. As I've mentioned in other posts, I have tried various activities/meetup groups, with very little luck. I met one girl in a dance class and I see her on occasion, but it's not much. Like someone here said a while ago, maybe people don't want to be friends with me because I give off "negative vibes"... Even though I'm good at hiding it. I'm one of those people who appears to have it all together, but I suffer inside... A lot. The only good news is that my husband agreed to move with me in 2 years (I really hate where we live right now).. but then his argument is, "You're a negative/unhappy person, the location won't matter." That hurt a lot. Even though I think that moving to a city (rather than suburb) with more people our age/more activities/opportunities to form friendships and a shorter commute and better quality of life would help me, he disagrees.

 

I don't even know the purpose of this post. I guess it is to see if there's anyone else out there who can relate to this in any way. I just feel really unsure of my decisions/life choices, and it feels like a crisis of some sort, although these feelings have lasted several years. It crushes me to think that I may have to rely on medications to make it through my life. I don't want this. But, therapy isn't helping, and neither are the other actions I have taken. I end up trying to make myself feel better by shopping and spending too much money, or watching hours and hours of TV, eating sweets, and other self-destructive methods. Most of the time, I wish I could just pack a bag, get into my car, and leave this life forever. It's so refreshing to think about starting over entirely. I've written other posts about that, too.

Edited by Ashbash11
Link to post
Share on other sites

Last year my husband's company asked us to transfer to another location. We decided to do it as we wanted to get an acreage and they were too expensive where we lived.

 

The move was a nightmare. The acreage is 20 min from town. We had massive internet and phone issues. I had no phone for 8 months until it was all sorted out and since I work online and connect with people via phone my business halted. I became very depressed and that didn't fit with me at all. I am a personal development coach so depression made no sense to me. I am a problem solver and seemed to lose my ability to do that or even see options. I had severe back issues before we moved but no other issues. I love time alone so the isolation of the acreage was welcome, not depressing to me.

 

I called my naturopath who shared an interesting perspective with me. She says depression is caused by poor liver function and my insomnia was not due to depression but they were both a symptom of my liver issues. I would wake and think about horrible things that I couldn't seem to control. It drove me crazy. She said my liver is supposed to cleanse around 3 or 4 nightly and when it couldn't my liver would send distress signals to my brain in the form of negative thoughts.

 

I am used to thinking she sounds like a quack but she is right every time so I did what she said. A week later I had no more depression and my back issue was healed completely in about two months. I also have rosacea which was healed in the process too. It took 3 months to be 100% again but it worked wonders.

 

I don't do therapy. I did for an extended period of time but I found it did not bring positive results for me. Nothing changed in years so I opted out. I do personal development books on whatever subject I am struggling with. Six months of that did much more for me than ten years of therapy did.

 

If I ever had a therapist tell me to divorce my husband or advise on what to do about anything in my life I wouldn't go back. A therapist is there to aid me in figuring out what decisions are best for me, not to make them for me.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Depression does make you feel as if nothing can ever improve. It makes it difficult making friends because it is harder to take initiative and to be warm and fun and that is what tends to attract people. Sometimes depression comes from within but even if you have a tendency towards it, sometimes outside factors can make it more likely to take hold.

 

An unsupportive partner who you cannot share emotional intimacy with would be a downer for anyone. That is what a marriage is about - sharing, loving, understanding and supporting. I guess that although it sounds as if you are really unhappy with your husband, you are afraid to leave the marriage and make a different life for yourself. Again, depression does leave you feeling as if you cannot cope with anything 'extra' on top of the daily grind.

 

Medications can help. The side-effects of loss of libido and sensation from sex can be problematic if you need to take them for the long term, but in the short term they can be a big help.

 

A different therapist might help, hard to tell. Do you fundamentally disagree with your current one that divorcing your husband would help or feel that the depression is more the issue? Divorcing might help in the long run. It depends whether you still love him and want to be with him or are with him because you are afraid/unable to cope with change. If you are staying in the marriage because of the latter, then that is difficult because the marriage may be contributing to your depression.

 

You say you have failed to achieve friendships and a social life. It sounds to me like you have little confidence in yourself, perhaps because of your husband's attitude towards you (which, incidentally, strikes me as extremely cold). In effect, you are going out to meet people and make friends with the attitude of feeling you are not worthy and yet this is a false perception. I do know how hard it is to rise above circumstances and still maintain that sense of being someone special that people would love to know. Feeling bad does not mean you are bad or that others perceive you that way. You need to remind yourself of that.

 

Just because some attempts have not worked, it does not mean that will always be the case. People have their own lives, things going on, relationships at home that sustain them - they don't always have the need for outside friendships. You will find someone who needs a good friend as you do. It is best to offer friendship and warmth to others and not expect anything back - cheer them up, listen to them, be a friend. Eventually, they will be there for you. People do bond gradually. Don't expect it to happen quickly.

 

I don't know if the above is any use to you. Another therapist might help you. It is worth considering medication in the short term, if only to give you another perspective on your situation and maybe help you out of it. I think you've got a lot to offer but you fear you haven't and that is holding you back.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 3 weeks later...

I know how hard it is but please try not to be so tough on yourself. I read a book called Self Compassion by Kristin Neff and it was really helpful. It has exercises you can do in every chapter and there is a corresponding webpage for the book. All the best to you! Hang in there, it will be better.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I called my naturopath who shared an interesting perspective with me. She says depression is caused by poor liver function and my insomnia was not due to depression but they were both a symptom of my liver issues. I would wake and think about horrible things that I couldn't seem to control. It drove me crazy. She said my liver is supposed to cleanse around 3 or 4 nightly and when it couldn't my liver would send distress signals to my brain in the form of negative thoughts.

 

I am used to thinking she sounds like a quack but she is right every time so I did what she said. A week later I had no more depression and my back issue was healed completely in about two months. I also have rosacea which was healed in the process too. It took 3 months to be 100% again but it worked wonders.

 

How did you cleanse your liver?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I was in your same/similar position a few months ago. I would sit in the floor crying feeling like there was no way I could manage to go on through the day. I would decide to just go back to sleep or lay in bed struggling to just get to the end of the day so I could go back to sleep. It was miserable and it was like that for months.

It took me a couple of months to pull out of it, but I did. I am much more productive now and don't have that feeling of life being desolate or miserable.

 

I'm glad you mentioned meetups because now I know you can use that as an option. Don't expect to make a best friend right away....keep going. It may take you a few months, but go! It's important to just keep doing it, and keep getting out there and meeting people. Every time, it will chip a little bit of the depression away. You will have fun, laugh, smile and it will get better and better...gradually.

I started taking a supplement called SamE. You can get it just about anywhere. The label said to take it every day and in 14 days I would start to feel different. I thought at first that there was no way I would get through those 2 weeks. But I just kept taking them every morning and didn't think about the 2 weeks. And I did make it through the 2 weeks. :)

And exercise, eat right, and drink water! I dont care how cliche it sounds. It is absolutely what you have to do. Working out increases endorphins, eating right adds the vitamins and nutrients that your body needs to function properly...and that is mentally/emotionally too. And water does the same thing. We HAVE to have it!

 

And then add some self help books to your daily routine. Just 30 minutes a day of reading things that maybe don't have a thing in the world to do with depression. Read books on love, relationships, how to cook healthy, how to read faster....anything that will help you improve or learn something new. You may want to even volunteer if you can. And pick up a new hobby! The goal is to grow. When you get stuck, depression will take hold. Keep learning, growing, doing great things. Be persistent in doing things that will get you out of the depression until you are out of it. If you really want it, if you really want to feel better, make changes...right now.

 

Counseling can only help so much. They can really only guide you to figure out what the underlying root of the problem is and then help you to address those things as you heal in a healthy way with different methods. If you are feeling stuck like you aren't getting anywhere new with your therapist...switch.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Depression does make you feel as if nothing can ever improve. It makes it difficult making friends because it is harder to take initiative and to be warm and fun and that is what tends to attract people. Sometimes depression comes from within but even if you have a tendency towards it, sometimes outside factors can make it more likely to take hold.

 

An unsupportive partner who you cannot share emotional intimacy with would be a downer for anyone. That is what a marriage is about - sharing, loving, understanding and supporting. I guess that although it sounds as if you are really unhappy with your husband, you are afraid to leave the marriage and make a different life for yourself. Again, depression does leave you feeling as if you cannot cope with anything 'extra' on top of the daily grind.

 

Medications can help. The side-effects of loss of libido and sensation from sex can be problematic if you need to take them for the long term, but in the short term they can be a big help.

 

A different therapist might help, hard to tell. Do you fundamentally disagree with your current one that divorcing your husband would help or feel that the depression is more the issue? Divorcing might help in the long run. It depends whether you still love him and want to be with him or are with him because you are afraid/unable to cope with change. If you are staying in the marriage because of the latter, then that is difficult because the marriage may be contributing to your depression.

 

You say you have failed to achieve friendships and a social life. It sounds to me like you have little confidence in yourself, perhaps because of your husband's attitude towards you (which, incidentally, strikes me as extremely cold). In effect, you are going out to meet people and make friends with the attitude of feeling you are not worthy and yet this is a false perception. I do know how hard it is to rise above circumstances and still maintain that sense of being someone special that people would love to know. Feeling bad does not mean you are bad or that others perceive you that way. You need to remind yourself of that.

 

Just because some attempts have not worked, it does not mean that will always be the case. People have their own lives, things going on, relationships at home that sustain them - they don't always have the need for outside friendships. You will find someone who needs a good friend as you do. It is best to offer friendship and warmth to others and not expect anything back - cheer them up, listen to them, be a friend. Eventually, they will be there for you. People do bond gradually. Don't expect it to happen quickly.

 

I don't know if the above is any use to you. Another therapist might help you. It is worth considering medication in the short term, if only to give you another perspective on your situation and maybe help you out of it. I think you've got a lot to offer but you fear you haven't and that is holding you back.

 

Spiderowl, your post resonated the most with me. You're right. I do have little confidence in myself, and that's another reason why I started back in therapy. I have had low self-esteem for as long as I can remember, and it hinders most aspects of my life, especially relationships... Therapy has helped somewhat, but I still deal with low self-esteem and the effects of it. Yes, I also agree that my husband can be unsupportive and "cold" at times. In fact, most recently he told me that my depression is "unraveling" our marriage. Basically, our marriage is falling apart because of my depression. That broke my heart. My therapist has been pushing for me to take medication, (Zoloft), and I got a prescription for it, but I haven't taken it. Part of me is anxious about the side effects, and the other part is resentful that I even have to take medication in the first place. I often wonder if I would even need medication if I were in a better life circumstance? I've never needed it before.... But, my husband's comment is driving me to take the medication. I will likely start it this week. Also, after talking things through with my therapist, I have decided to continue seeing him. He didn't explicitly say, "divorce your husband", but he was trying to get me to acknowledge my unhappiness in the marriage.

 

I also very much agree that the lack of emotional intimacy in our marriage is negatively affecting me. My husband isn't really an "emotional" person. He's a rational introverted scientist, and he's not in touch with his emotions at all. He's a nice, genuine person, and I think he cares, but he doesn't show it the way you would expect. This has become more difficult for me to handle as we've been living together and married. I guess I should mention that we spent almost 4 years of our relationship long distance, so we are still discovering each other's quirks/personalities, etc... I know you can't change your partner, but I definitely feel alone in the marriage sometimes.

 

My therapist also said something interesting: He said that I don't "present" as a "depressed person." I am well-dressed, good hygiene, I smile and laugh, I am social, and I am "functional"-meaning, I go to work, go on trips, cook dinner, etc. BUT... I guess I am considered high risk because I am a good actor. It's hard for others to tell how depressed I actually am, or that I have fairly severe anxiety, as well. I am basically a high functioning depressed person. Apparently people like me are at higher risk for suicide (I read that)....

 

On a good note, since writing my original post, I have planned to join the gym with my husband, sign up for an art class, and start in couple's counseling. All things I have not tried together. I'm trying to be hopeful and think that this will help, but who knows? As I mentioned in my original post, I have never been this depressed/suicidal and unsatisfied with my life as I have been in the past few years. I definitely feel that I am going through some sort of internal crisis, and I haven't been able to bring myself out of it. I do appreciate your suggestions and you taking the time to respond. It feels better to know that I am not alone, at least. People don't want to be friends with depressed people. I've also noticed friends becoming more distant. Depressed people aren't bubbly, fun, and energetic.

Edited by Ashbash11
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I know how hard it is but please try not to be so tough on yourself. I read a book called Self Compassion by Kristin Neff and it was really helpful. It has exercises you can do in every chapter and there is a corresponding webpage for the book. All the best to you! Hang in there, it will be better.

 

 

Thank you for the suggestion!!! I am definitely hard on myself. It's out of habit.

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...