Finding ones' self

[SethDamien]

what does it take to find ones self? the word just gets thrown around a lot and i haven't the slightest idea how to achieve it.

 

I was dumped 2 years ago by the one i loved the most. I dated 5 girls between then and now but it never works out. They were all sweet and partner material but i never had the drive to see the relationship(s) through.

 

I hate how my ex takes up a portion of my thoughts. I always think nobody can ever replace her. I hate it and i want to un-love her.

 

I keep thinking a relationship can fix my loneliness. RySant, said i should find myself first. Its a valid point, but i dont know how. does it come as a sort of revelation?

 

Frankly, i dont know myself that much anymore. ever since the break up, i was never the same, i became colder and more serious. Im content with my work, i have a great family (though i prefer living alone), a good set of friends, but i still feel empty. I still cry for her at night.

 

I dont want to force myself into a new relationship, but i also dont want to be lonely either.

[RySant]

At first, I find the notion of finding one's self as ridiculous and stupid. HOw could you find yourself when it's yourself?! You are here already so why find it?

 

But after my second unrequited love, that's how I finally able to know the real meaning of those words. So let me give you a few hints on where to start:

 

I was dumped 2 years ago by the one i loved the most. I dated 5 girls between then and now but it never works out. They were all sweet and partner material but i never had the drive to see the relationship(s) through.

 

I hate how my ex takes up a portion of my thoughts. I always think nobody can ever replace her. I hate it and i want to un-love her.

 

First of all, you have to ask, what makes you so attracted to your ex? Now that you are alone, you claim that you are looking for the traits and quality she has. For me, it's a reflection that you lack something in yourself that you can see from her. You have to look for that. You feel incomplete without her, but you shouldn't feel incomplete. When being in a relationship, you should be complete already. Your significant other should just complement your personhood and not fill the void that you have. You lack some things as a person. Find those.

 

I keep thinking a relationship can fix my loneliness.

 

I am alone for most of my life, and when I experienced falling in love from someone who can't return that love, it's like it took away a blanket that is covering my eyes, and I just realized for the first time how truly lonely I felt. I feel so alone. But I have my family and friends with me. But even then I feel so alone. What I realized is that my loneliness didn't stem from the lack of somebody in my life, I am alone because I am NOT THERE for myself. I don't love myself. I am expecting or relying from people to love me instead of loving myself first. When I have learned to love myself, I was able to start enjoying my own company without feeling lonely that much. I can go out to the mall, watch movies, shop etc. alone. It never bothered me anymore

 

Frankly, i dont know myself that much anymore. ever since the break up, i was never the same, i became colder and more serious. Im content with my work, i have a great family (though i prefer living alone), a good set of friends, but i still feel empty. I still cry for her at night. .

 

Stop getting validation from people. It should come from you. You have to learn how to love yourself and be comfortable in your own skin. You should reach a point where you can be happy either by being alone or by being with someone else. Having self-respect, values, morals and great sense of self-worth can give you that

[preraph]

Well, I think you're just not finished processing your breakup and learning all you can about yourself from it. But it's good to keep trying. Maybe the next one will click and make you feel more like moving forward.

[SethDamien]

Thanks @rysant!

 

Im still trying to figure out what i saw in my ex that I lack in myself.

I had lots of problems. Most problems i had was with my family.

 

I never really learned to comfort myself in times of trouble. I was always dependent on relationships. But now, living alone, it gave me the chance to fend for myself. I had the chance to grow some balls. But still, i feel empty. I still love her but i wanna un-love her.

 

i've live alone for a year now. i have friends. But it doesnt fix the problem. I am learning to enjoy by myself though. I've been watching movies alone. Eat at a restaurant alone. I dont care people pity me As long as im doing something for myself.

Yet i still feel i havent figured myself out yet. Im content being alone but i still feel empty.

 

I often pity myself whenever i see happy people. But i know it wont help me in loving myself.

 

I've been content alone, i have a great career, i have great friends i spend a lot if time with, but when i step in my room, i feel down again. Im back in a rut.

[kztar]

very interesting because everyone is like yeah enjoy being alone bla bla bla but who wants to be alone forever?. I don't ever want to have to live alone forever. This sounds catastrophic. I look up to my family every single day and those are my goals. Yes I think we should be comfortable alone but at the same time there are things that you learn as a child that will run your world. At home Ive always learned that the most important aspect of life is really having a loving family. My parents met when they were young and my mom was one of those lucky people who has never experienced a heartbreak. Her and my dad have grown and progressed together. With that being said I can understand what you're going through to a certain extent. However I agree with a poster above, there is something you might be lacking and are looking for that in someone else. Im trying to figure this out myself. Good luck and keep going strong.

[Satu]

A very good way of cultivating self-awareness is journalling.

 

Simply writing about your thoughts and feelings, helps you to bring content from the subconscious into your conscious awareness. The process of doing this brings many realisations and flashes of understanding that enrich your thinking.

 

It's also very enjoyable.

 

 

"Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate."

 

—C. G. Jung

[truthtripper]

This is breaking the law of NC, but it may be helpful to meet your ex again just once to refresh your mind of how she really feels about you/treats you. I bumped into my ex a few years after he dumped me. Strangely, he asked me if I wanted a coffee. I hesitantly accepted. In the hour or so we talked, I suddenly realised why I was so much better off without him. Some of his negative personality traits flashed before me which I had previously been blindfolded to/in denial about when we had been a couple. I really didn't like this person in front of me and wondered how I could possibly have been attracted to him. My grieving instantaneously stopped. From that day I was able to move on without any hurts of regrets. It was a revelation. I was a new person.

 

This really helped me to let go of my unrealistic romantic view of our once relationship. As time progressed, I discovered the reason why I was with him was because I needed to escape from myself, from my painful truths from my abusive childhood. He continued to abuse me, the exact treatment which I was familiar with, it was comfortable, non-confrontational, easy for me since it was all I knew about relationships. During those years of being alone I have grown and can now see the difference. So despite what the heartbroken preach, it can worthwhile meeting your ex again to help you touch base with reality.

Edited March 2, 2016 by truthtripper