"Fake it till you make it"-The power of confidence

[Popsicle]

I have developed an interest in Amy Cuddy's work in social psychology. I've started reading her book "Presence" and loved her TED talk on how body language shapes who we are. Like her, I think there is power in what we tell ourselves and how it effects how we feel about ourselves, and sometimes, "Fake it until you make it" is what is called for. The talk is a little old now but I thought I'd share it anyway. It's a great talk for those who are struggling in the romantic realm, as well, like with approaching and feeling positive about your interactions with the opposite sex.

Edited February 6, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edit out commercial link

[WaitingForBardot]

I was never a big fan of the whole Fake it till you make it thing when I first started hearing about it many years ago. This stemmed in large part because I was thinking about it in a too forest vs the trees fashion and taking it too literally. Over time I have come to understand it more and believe when applied appropriately it can be quite a useful strategy for self improvement.

[Chris2016]

Thanks will check it out!

[preraph]

I think "Fake it to make it" really just translates to taking the first step toward who you want to be. That first step can be daunting. It can be taken to the extreme, for example, if you go in debt buying designer clothes and cars because you want to be rich. But used with common sense, it's just an exercise to make yourself take baby steps towards becoming the person you want to be. There is the "dress for success" aspect, and that's a really good thing to do. Dress for the position you want instead of the one you have now. It really can work. You are ready to slide into that role and look like you're all ready for it. As Fonzi said, "If you want to swim, don't sit on the beach."

[bathtub-row]

Sounds interesting. I'll check it out!

[bathtub-row]

Wow, that was excellent. I've always believed in the theory but she explained it in ways I've never heard. Thanks for sharing that.

[ZA Dater]

I guess you need to ask the question, morally how right is it to lure someone being completely false?

 

If you aren't confident then you simply aren't, if someone cannot see the good I you as a person lacking confidence then do you really want that person or has society become some judgemental?

 

Me, I don't have a horse in this race but this faking it seems to actually work quite well, I have seen numerous examples where it has worked.

 

At the end of the day it depends on what you can and cant live with. I'll rather live as being someone who lacks confidence then pretending to be someone I am not in the hope someone actually likes that.

[Buddhist]

Honestly who gives a rats arse what anyone else thinks of you? Unless of course you are wanting to be a sheep in the herd. Then I suppose it matters a great deal. Good thing being a sheople isn't for me.

[WaitingForBardot]

Honestly who gives a rats arse what anyone else thinks of you? Unless of course you are wanting to be a sheep in the herd. Then I suppose it matters a great deal. Good thing being a sheople isn't for me.

I don't see it as being concerned with what anyone else thinks of you, more about taking concrete steps towards a person you want to be or accomplishing a goal you want to accomplish.

 

When I was younger my goal was to meet more girls so I could find the ones I clicked with, but I had a terrible time making small talk and establishing that critical initial rapport. Once it was established the progression to going out, sex, a relationship, etc., if one was in the cards, was pretty effortless. So I faked being adept at small talk by forcing myself to chat women (and men) up wherever I went. Of course at first I actually sucked at it and people would see through me right away. Over time however I got better and better until I was actually good enough at it. So I had faked it to make it.

 

And as our good friend Murphy always has our back, I met a girl I really liked who eventually dumped me because she thought I was some sort of smooth operator/player... ..lol..

[Popsicle]

The hypothesis tested in her experiment was whether or not we can change how we feel about ourselves with this, not how others feel about us. You can hear her mention this distinction in the TED talk.

[bluefeather]

I'm a fan of "Fake it till you make it." It's a pretty cool way of reshaping oneself. Even if you don't have a lot of confidence in whatever you're trying to become, if you do it enough, it may end up becoming a part of you, sort of like creating a new habit.

[Chris2016]

I have developed an interest in Amy Cuddy's work in social psychology. I've started reading her book "Presence" and loved her TED talk on how body language shapes who we are. Like her, I think there is power in what we tell ourselves and how it effects how we feel about ourselves, and sometimes, "Fake it until you make it" is what is called for. The talk is a little old now but I thought I'd share it anyway. It's a great talk for those who are struggling in the romantic realm, as well, like with approaching and feeling positive about your interactions with the opposite sex.

 

I guess you can't link it.

 

What keywords can I use to Google the TED talk?

 

I think it found it, fake it til you become it ?

[Popsicle]

I guess you can't link it.

 

What keywords can I use to Google the TED talk?

 

I think it found it, fake it til you become it ?

 

Google: Amy Cuddy TED talk.

[truthtripper]

I don't see it as being concerned with what anyone else thinks of you, more about taking concrete steps towards a person you want to be or accomplishing a goal you want to accomplish.

 

When I was younger my goal was to meet more girls so I could find the ones I clicked with, but I had a terrible time making small talk and establishing that critical initial rapport. Once it was established the progression to going out, sex, a relationship, etc., if one was in the cards, was pretty effortless. So I faked being adept at small talk by forcing myself to chat women (and men) up wherever I went. Of course at first I actually sucked at it and people would see through me right away. Over time however I got better and better until I was actually good enough at it. So I had faked it to make it.

 

And as our good friend Murphy always has our back, I met a girl I really liked who eventually dumped me because she thought I was some sort of smooth operator/player... ..lol..

So in relationships, at what point do you stop faking it and let yourself be real? Or do you just keep faking it all the way, in fear that if you let yourself go, your partner won't like you anymore...but then one day you slip, then you slip again and again, until your partner begins to see through you and dumps you, or perhaps you'll attract another person who also fakes it so you can fake it together?...I'm envious..

 

If you want a genuine relationship with staying power it's best to be real from the start.

[WaitingForBardot]

So in relationships, at what point do you stop faking it and let yourself be real? Or do you just keep faking it all the way, in fear that if you let yourself go, your partner won't like you anymore...but then one day you slip, then you slip again and again, until your partner begins to see through you and dumps you, or perhaps you'll attract another person who also fakes it so you can fake it together?...I'm envious..

 

If you want a genuine relationship with staying power it's best to be real from the start.

Maybe you should reread my comment, it has absolutely nothing to do with what you just wrote. So at this point I'm not sure whether you actually don't understand or are being deliberately obtuse. In either case it's certainly not worth explaining again. Watch the talk instead.

[truthtripper]

Maybe you should reread my comment, it has absolutely nothing to do with what you just wrote. So at this point I'm not sure whether you actually don't understand or are being deliberately obtuse. In either case it's certainly not worth explaining again. Watch the talk instead.

I've reread your comment as instructed. I wasn't trying to be obtuse. I sincerely don't get you.

[Taramere]

When I was younger my goal was to meet more girls so I could find the ones I clicked with, but I had a terrible time making small talk and establishing that critical initial rapport. Once it was established the progression to going out, sex, a relationship, etc., if one was in the cards, was pretty effortless. So I faked being adept at small talk by forcing myself to chat women (and men) up wherever I went. Of course at first I actually sucked at it and people would see through me right away. Over time however I got better and better until I was actually good enough at it. So I had faked it to make it.

 

In a way, that's really just about shifting yourself out of your comfort zone. Doing things that challenge you enough to make you feel nervous. And of course you have to try as best as you can to look comfortable and competent even when you don't feel it. That's part of learning to be good at anything.

 

When people are taking the line of "I'm real. What you see is what you get - and I don't care a damn what others think of me" most of the time it's just noise and bravado, I think. And fortunately so. The only people who seriously don't care what others think of them are likely to be psychopaths who lack the empathy to care how their actions might impact on others or how their words might make them feel....or even just whether other people can feel comfortable around and connected with them.

 

For other people....well, if they have any sort of oomph about them then at times they're going to put themselves in situations that challenge them enough that they'll feel some discomfort. And that's part of the growing process. Faking feeling comfortable in those situations until you are comfortable in them is just part of the process. We can't really go around putting all our anxieties and fears of failure on display for the world to peruse. People who do, tend to fail and fail until they learn the lesson that actually sometimes you do have to fake a level of confidence that you really don't feel.

[WaitingForBardot]

I've reread your comment as instructed. I wasn't trying to be obtuse. I sincerely don't get you.

Fair enough, I don't get myself sometimes... ..lol..

 

I will again just suggest you listen to the TED talk. Maybe you'll understand a bit better and at worst you'll be out 15-20 minutes of your day.

[WaitingForBardot]

In a way, that's really just about shifting yourself out of your comfort zone. Doing things that challenge you enough to make you feel nervous. And of course you have to try as best as you can to look comfortable and competent even when you don't feel it. That's part of learning to be good at anything.

...

A much better explanation than mine.

[truthtripper]

We can't really go around putting all our anxieties and fears of failure on display for the world to peruse. People who do, tend to fail and fail until they learn the lesson that actually sometimes you do have to fake a level of confidence that you really don't feel.

.....and this is the problem with our society. We have to hide our "anxieties and fears". Why????? We are only human, not robots. And furthermore, if we weren't under pressure to hide our anxieties, then we would have much less reason to be anxious in the first place.

Edited February 11, 2016 by truthtripper

[truthtripper]

When people are taking the line of "I'm real. What you see is what you get - and I don't care a damn what others think of me" most of the time it's just noise and bravado, I think. And fortunately so. The only people who seriously don't care what others think of them are likely to be psychopaths who lack the empathy to care how their actions might impact on others or how their words might make them feel....or even just whether other people can feel comfortable around and connected with them.

Bardot was referring to his shyness, not to an inability to control the vocalisation of offensive thoughts.

 

Re-shyness, there's nothing wrong with being shy. Many people or even most people have some shyness/social anxiety depending on the social context. Most of us pretend not to be shy and spend a lot of energy faking confidence. It's just that few people, such as Bardot, are willing to admit it.

[Taramere]

.....and this is the problem with our society. We have to hide our "anxieties and fears". Why????? We are only human, not robots. And furthermore, if we weren't under pressure to hide our anxieties, then we would have much less reason to be anxious in the first place.

 

Because when people are clearly anxious and fearful, a lot of others will perceive them as weak. Somebody to be protected (and therefore a liability) rather than depended upon. Some people might react in a protective and nurturing way, others may react in a bullying way. Others still might switch from one to the other depending on their mood. Even the nurturing might not be helpful in the longer term, unless it's accompanied by practical advice (which the person has a willingness to follow) on learning to manage anxiety.

 

If you were in a crisis situation where nobody seemed to know what to do and lives were at stake, I'm sure you would probably want whoever took charge of the situation to seem calm and assured. In order to promote calmness and clarity of thought. Those people tend to command higher levels of respect from others.

 

I have a tendency to anxiety...and there have been times when it has proved impossible to disguise. It's not really a question of hiding it so much as managing it. So for instance, I have a tendency to blush - and other people have a tendency to let me know I'm blushing. Or that my hands were shaking when I was speaking in court. My focus can't be on "hiding" it - because that will just make me focus on it even more. Which makes things worse. The focus has to be on recognising "anxiety is kicking in here" and using the methods I've learned to bring it under control and physically relax myself.

 

There are some great tools out there that can help people manage it. My concern about your approach is that you seem to be blaming the external world and society generally for human anxiety. It's not that you're wrong to do that. There's no doubt that external factors will tend to trigger an anxious person's panic attacks. However, a great deal of the time those external factors can't really be changed - so the focus has to be on the person learning to deal with and manage them.

 

If they refuse to do that on the basis that they feel the onus ought to be on externalities to change (in order to better accommodate that) then I'm afraid things will never start to improve for them, and they might spend a lifetime simply cursing the externalities that make life difficult for them...while feeling powerless to change anything.

Edited February 11, 2016 by Taramere

[Taramere]

A much better explanation than mine.

 

I don't think so. It's just a different perspective. But I'm glad you get where I'm coming from. Truthtripper seems to think I was focusing on people having an inability to control offensive thoughts...which was not my intention. I mentioned the "bravado...people who claim not to care what anybody thinks" more as a passing observation. I think it's what people often do when taking too close a look at what's going on internally is very threatening.

 

 

To admit "well, I do care about what people think - and sometimes it makes me anxious" is a big step towards honest self awareness. The boss of the firm I work for is a nice lady in many ways, but a very strong character and can verge on bullying. When I confessed to her that I was undergoing hypnotherapy to help me manage anxiety, her reaction was a sort of maternal derision.

 

Somebody who's a bit overly nurturing and overly protective could observe that scenario, leap into rescuing mode and express outrage about her reacting in that way. Which wouldn't help me one bit. Instead, I reminded her of a couple of occasions where she'd clearly been anxious. Maybe handled it by yelling at people. She's robust enough to hear criticism as well as dish it out, so long as you're delivering it in a constructive and/or good humoured way.

 

On the subject of hiding anxiety - she's certainly one who will tell you that that's just what you have to do. Just snap out of it. Fake confidence until you make it. So to her, the notion of me going to see somebody in an effort to manage the anxiety was silly and self indulgent. That only weak and easily influenced people are susceptible to hypnosis - and all that stuff. When I put it to her that it's more about recognising a problem and taking steps to deal with it effectively...and that it's not so much about being weak as it is about having the willingness to work with the hypnotherapist to bring about improvements, she became slightly less judgemental - but was still highly dubious about the whole thing.

 

For me, working with people like that is no bad thing. I've worked in environments that were nurturing, where everybody seemed to approve of me - and it was lovely. But these weren't situations in which I challenged myself and grew. They're more like the situations you need if you've had a bad working situation and need to regain your confidence. A bit of stress, a bit of anxiety, a bit of embarrassment....in small doses, these sensations can actually be quite fun and enlivening so long as you're not feeling swamped by them.

[truthtripper]

Because when people are clearly anxious and fearful, a lot of others will perceive them as weak. Somebody to be protected (and therefore a liability) rather than depended upon. Some people might react in a protective and nurturing way, others may react in a bullying way. Others still might switch from one to the other depending on their mood. Even the nurturing might not be helpful in the longer term, unless it's accompanied by practical advice (which the person has a willingness to follow) on learning to manage anxiety.

 

If you were in a crisis situation where nobody seemed to know what to do and lives were at stake, I'm sure you would probably want whoever took charge of the situation to seem calm and assured. In order to promote calmness and clarity of thought. Those people tend to command higher levels of respect from others.

 

I have a tendency to anxiety...and there have been times when it has proved impossible to disguise. It's not really a question of hiding it so much as managing it. So for instance, I have a tendency to blush - and other people have a tendency to let me know I'm blushing. Or that my hands were shaking when I was speaking in court. My focus can't be on "hiding" it - because that will just make me focus on it even more. Which makes things worse. The focus has to be on recognising "anxiety is kicking in here" and using the methods I've learned to bring it under control and physically relax myself.

 

There are some great tools out there that can help people manage it. My concern about your approach is that you seem to be blaming the external world and society generally for human anxiety. It's not that you're wrong to do that. There's no doubt that external factors will tend to trigger an anxious person's panic attacks. However, a great deal of the time those external factors can't really be changed - so the focus has to be on the person learning to deal with and manage them.

 

If they refuse to do that on the basis that they feel the onus ought to be on externalities to change (in order to better accommodate that) then I'm afraid things will never start to improve for them, and they might spend a lifetime simply cursing the externalities that make life difficult for them...while feeling powerless to change anything.

Studies on hunter gatherer culture show that the agricultural revolution lead to an general increase in anxiety as humans evolved. This period in human evolution is actually referred to as the "age of anxiety".

 

Present day Australian Aboriginal tribal members present greater empathy, nurturing and conscience than their modern day human counterparts. Anxiety is accepted as a form of human expression, not as a weakness. Anxiety is an energy to be channeled into productivity, it's not a burden or hindrance, as perceived in our culture.