Fear of being judged

[Minnie09]

So recently I've come to the conclusion that I'm

extremely bothered by what others think of me. I think I've always had that "awareness", but it's become bothersome to a point where I think I can't cope. Living in a neighborhood where you're the only single parent with neighbors whose wives are sahms, step ford-style, husbands who make a good living and kids who are "popular" will do that to you.

 

I've always found myself to be a strong person, a good mother, able to make a living and quite successful ........ but when you're the only one in the street whose kid is not invited to carpool to and from school, football practice and whatnot ...... you start thinking. I don't know what it is. I am social and friendly, and so is my son. He's invited to parties and events, very good academically, an okay athlete ....... Not great, but enthusiastic and dependable.

 

I can't put my finger on it, but somehow these people think I'm not one of them. I know they think I'm different. I've had the same experience with my son's friends' parents - they do like him, friends and parents, but I feel like I'm or we are just tolerated. How can I make people like me? Same applies to school events, teachers, principal, etc. there's nothing they can in fact complain about, because my son is always cleaned up nice, his grades are good, he's very articulate and mature - so is it the fact that I'm a single mom that makes people suspicious? Do they not trust my parenting? My lifestyle? Why are they so standoffish?

 

Why do I feel they exclude or judge me? How do I care less? Because really, I shouldn't care. There's nothing I could do differently, so why do I feel like it's starting to bother me more than before?

Edited October 5, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[sportygirl89]

I am currently reading emotional wellness by osho. He says emotions are temporary. Also that if you don't want to be angry, upset, or fearful you don't have to be. How we react to those emotions have just been how we have reacted about it in the past. I'm only on second chapter. But it really is enlightening. I also deleted my Facebook so I do not have to be fearful of other people judging me.

[Minnie09]

Yeah good point. Facebook. I've been thinking about deleting my account. Because I just don't want to be part of that "how many likes can I get" attitude. At the same time - everybody IS in there. And I've been on there for years. And the same fear kicks in immediately: what would people think if I deleted it??? Stupid, I know.....

[Minnie09]

I am currently reading emotional wellness by osho. He says emotions are temporary. Also that if you don't want to be angry, upset, or fearful you don't have to be. How we react to those emotions have just been how we have reacted about it in the past. I'm only on second chapter. But it really is enlightening. I also deleted my Facebook so I do not have to be fearful of other people judging me.

 

I've also read somewhere that emotions are just emotions. They're not (always) significant. Treat them accordingly.

[Minnie09]

I'm thinking the weirdest thoughts. Is my yard not perfect? Do they think I'm too independent? Should I have a man in my life to take care of me? I don't think it's any of that though....it's something I do or I show that irks them.

[BlueIris]

People judge. We have to get used to it.

Do you want to be their friend? You did call them Stepford-ish

If you do, maybe ask them to things.

Maybe look up Byron Katie's website on "The Work." It's a real gut-kicker, but very interesting and liberating.

[Tayla]

The few times to care about what others opinions are is when its for the good of the situation. I rarely allow anyones opinion to supercede my life choices. If they care to add a compliment or an insult, I consider the source. The more we start entrusting our healthy choices, the less we consider others opinions as the end all be all. Its okay to judge a scenario... its called having a good sense of welfare, its when we judge the entire person that we need to ask ourselves, is it healthy or harmful? If a person comes at you with a knife a good sense of judgment says, to defend, this person is unsafe. Ergo, its okay to have a good judgment to prevent harm.

[newmoon]

i don't mean this in a mean way, but really, the only people who care about the opinions of others do not have a strong sense of self. for whatever reason you probably haven't developed enough inner strength to not let others' opinions bother you. either that, or you have a really inflated ego to think that people care enough about you to actually care. i'm sure these parents and others have much greater concerns than you; i doubt you're dinner conversation in all these homes.

[sportygirl89]

Not sure if you go to church. But just got done reading a devotion and they said it fear and stuff like fear is not God. God wouldn't make us feel that way. The negative energies do want us to feel that way but not God. Makes us more vulnerable to negative energies and what not.

[Taramere]

So recently I've come to the conclusion that I'm

extremely bothered by what others think of me. I think I've always had that "awareness", but it's become bothersome to a point where I think I can't cope. Living in a neighborhood where you're the only single parent with neighbors whose wives are sahms, step ford-style, husbands who make a good living and kids who are "popular" will do that to you.

 

I can imagine. It's always going to be that bit more difficult to feel in harmony with the society you're living in if your circumstances differ from other people's. You have to strive that bit more to find common ground.

 

you start thinking. I don't know what it is. I am social and friendly, and so is my son. He's invited to parties and events, very good academically, an okay athlete ....... Not great, but enthusiastic and dependable. I can't put my finger on it, but somehow these people think I'm not one of them.

 

Human beings can be cliquey, certainly...and to be honest, I think there are some people who will make others feel conscious of their differences just so that they can get more of a sense of belonging. But if that's the case, it's generally going to be more about them (and their sense of reliance on group acceptance) than it is about you.

 

Why do I feel They exclude or judge me? How do I care less? Because really, I shouldn't care. There's nothing I could do differently, so why do I feel like it's starting to bother me more than before?

 

I don't think there's any easy answer to this, but sometimes to understand emotions it's helpful to take things right back to basics...in terms of "what do I need to survive?" The more self sufficient you are, the less reliant you are on the group. Some people might be anxious in your situation because they're so reliant on the group that being excluded from the group would be a traumatising event. However it sounds as though you are in fact doing very well in terms of practical self sufficiency.

 

Maybe some of the other people who you feel are judging you would struggle a lot more than you do, in your situation. So perhaps opening up a little and reaching out to the group for some level of help would help the group, in turn, to warm up to you. And of course in doing that, you have to accept the risk of being rebuffed by the group. If that happens, be ready to accept it with good grace (often by doing so, you will encourage the group to rethink its rebuffal).

 

Start small. Think of an area in which you could really use a bit of group support (eg the carpooling situation) and ask whoever seems to play the role of co-ordinator for that particular activity whether you could join in with a carpooling arrangement. Or if you that's an area you'd feel particularly uncomfortable about reaching out to the group in respect of, pick something that's less threatening.

 

It's that subtle business, I think, of asking somebody to help you in a way that might also benefit them - and that will make them feel good about helping you out. Asking somebody for help, in a small way that doesn't put them out too much, is often the first step in a friendship.

[Minnie09]

Not sure if you go to church. But just got done reading a devotion and they said it fear and stuff like fear is not God. God wouldn't make us feel that way. The negative energies do want us to feel that way but not God. Makes us more vulnerable to negative energies and what not.

 

I don't go to church, for a number of reasons.