Not sure how to fix myself

[misspond]

I've started other threads about my lack of dating success but the last few days have had me thinking about my role in what's going on so I do welcome any suggestions you all have.

 

I’m a 48 year old woman who has been single (and is a single parent to two young children aged 7 and 11) for five years after a 10 year relationship. I yearn to date someone and see what happens in the quest for a new relationship but I feel myself occasionally becoming fearful when the opportunity arises. To explain further; I’ve tried Internet dating and none of the men I’ve met (I average two dates a year), bar one, have been attractive to me. I’ve either found them physically or intellectually unattractive, down-right odd or far too sexually oriented even on the coffee date – the last one grabbed me and kissed me after after the initial coffee and that just wasn’t what I wanted, particularly as I found him unattractive and overbearing.

 

There was one man who seemed nice and who I was happy to get to know more but on our first proper date (after the meet and greet coffee) he gave me a gift of a passionate love story, sent multiple text messages afterwards including a love song and who was keen to invite himself out with me and the children (I only get two weekends a month for socialising). After I had explained that he was coming on a a bit strong for me and I needed him to slow down he did slow down a little but I felt over-whelmed when he started to text again (good-mornings, and, I’ve been thinking about you’s) and I cancelled our second date.

 

Recently I had a few dates that I initiated with a friend of friends. He did not come on too strong after we had chatted a couple of times hence my asking him if he’d like to go for a drink, he was friendly and great to talk to but wasn’t interested in pursuing anything more than some nice evenings together, and looking back it seems that I was only able to ask him out and spend so much time with him because he wasn’t overly (in fact not at all) flirty, and so basically he didn’t find me attractive.

 

I would appear that my “picker” is very much unaligned!

 

In addition on a recent night out I was happy to chat and dance with a very attractive, although much younger, man and when he made a not-too-aggressive move on me after being a little flirty with me all night (he kissed me and made it clear that he’d like to take things further physically) I felt very uncomfortable, in fact I think I felt frightened. Not that I was in any danger, but fearful that I might find myself having a ONS (it’s been a long time since I’ve had sex and although it might have been nice to have the attention that’s not what I’m looking for) and then having to deal with all of the aftermath of that. So I withdrew. In fact if anyone flirts with me I realise that I withdraw and remove myself from the situation (I’ve been doing this since my twenties). In real life I do attract much younger men, occasionally those much older but rarely anyone my own age – although this might be down to the places I go to.

 

I don’t seem to be able to break this cycle and do understand that this is likely down to my self-esteem as my long-term partner with whom I had the children said he found me sexually unappealing after our first child was born and for many years we had a sexually barren relationship. Our youngest child was the result of an evening where we drank too much and he had sex with me. After that we went back to separate bedrooms until I finally left 5 years ago. I hate that writing this makes me sound almost frigid but I don’t think that’s the case although I will confess to still being affected by the way my previous LT partner treated me, I just want to be able to feel comfortable chatting with someone, getting to know them and not bolt for the hills when they make it clear that they are attracted to me if I find them attractive in return. I think part of the problem is that I wonder why they’re even talking to me at all if I fancy them (and by attractive I don't mean Brad Pitt or George Clooney - just someone who looks after themselves and isn't socially awkward).

 

I’m trying hard not to blame the men I’m meeting because equally there have been some men I'd have liked to have seen again but they chose not to contact me again, and to face up to the issues that I myself carry which leads them to me and me to them but most importantly I need to address the times when I become fearful and basically "run-away". But I’m not sure where to start...

[jen1447]

Having a few drinks will tend to relax your inhibitions ....

[davidromero43]

I think a best rule is 5 years. Being in a relationship with someone 5 years older, or 5 years younger, still puts the most things in common. Outside of that range, and you run the risk of being a fling. If you want to meet intellectual men, join a writers club, or a toastmasters group.

[misspond]

I think a best rule is 5 years. Being in a relationship with someone 5 years older, or 5 years younger, still puts the most things in common. Outside of that range, and you run the risk of being a fling. If you want to meet intellectual men, join a writers club, or a toastmasters group.

 

I would agree with that age range, it's meeting them in the first place that's one of the issues As for your suggestions of clubs, I am considering finding a baby-sitter who will enable me to escape to such things on a weekday when they take place around here.

 

Having a few drinks will tend to relax your inhibitions ....

 

Having a few drinks when I go out is de rigueur with my friends, so I think my psychological stumbling block needs to be kicked into touch some other way.

 

 

 

I promise I'm not going to turn into one of the whiny folk on here, it's just good to have a place to get my thoughts out of my head this way as my friends are full of the usual platitudes, and sometimes people here have some really useful ways of looking at things.

[misspond]

Reading this all back I think I probably just need to get over myself and stop bleating

[jen1447]

That word always makes me laugh.

 

Otherwise ....hm, about all I can think of is to slap you.

[StalwartMind]

No doubt that when you go either way outside your own age range, that even more factors come into play. I wouldn't put a specific number on it, as I know it can work outside the range mentioned above. That said, in today's world it is only sensible to be a bit more cautious if one should choose to explore options as such. Not everyone will want you for the right or same reasons as you seek companionship.

 

It is difficult to fault someone for feeling vulnerable, if their previous partner hurt them with words such as being called sexually unappealing. They are however just words, and those of your ex. I don't think such words would ever occur to me, but I grant you that sexual appeal to me is much more than just looks. I place a stronger emphasis in other areas, and besides all women are beautiful, but again in this world such an opinion belongs to the minority. Many men are visual beasts, no doubt that you must have qualities that appeal to even younger men, regardless of the places you choose to go. Let this actually encourage you, especially considering you carry around the weight of your previous partner's unpleasant words.

 

It can take awhile to find someone who you just feel comfortable with, typically finding the right balance of being flirty, but not go too far as well as being thoughtful can be challenge to get right. You may of rejected really good potential, but you can't let that be of negative influence. I think everyone once in awhile let really good chances go by, in that sense it should also make you realize that there are multiple of decent men out there, who will appeal to all your desires. There's no real need to compromise yourself, after all you should hopefully end up with someone who will cherish you for life and give you many wonderful memories, might as well make sure it's someone worth holding on to.

 

Patience can be a key to finding a good match, I'll always echo that I believe consistency goes well with finding qualities in someone who will have the potential to give you many wonderful years of joy. None of this may be direct or useful advice on how to move on, and/or approach things in different fashion, but understand that we often our own limit. If you can overcome certain barriers that mentally block or otherwise inhibit you from taking the jump and trusting one again, then I'm sure you can one day make it further with a potential mate.

 

Lots of warm thoughts and best of wishes to you, don't be afraid to tell yourself every day you are a beautiful woman, no matter how silly or cheesy it may sound. Nothing wrong with complimenting yourself, even if it in most cases feels a lot better to receive it from someone else

[misspond]

You may of rejected really good potential, but you can't let that be of negative influence. I think everyone once in awhile let really good chances go by, in that sense it should also make you realize that there are multiple of decent men out there, who will appeal to all your desires. There's no real need to compromise yourself, after all you should hopefully end up with someone who will cherish you for life and give you many wonderful memories, might as well make sure it's someone worth holding on to.

 

 

To be fair to myself I don't think I have rejected men of good potential - unless you count the man who I had one date with who never got back to me apart from a couple of booty texts, the self confessed bulimic who thought the pyramids were built by aliens, the self-confessed porn-addict, the singer who simultaneously rejected me and offered me sex, the man I went on four dates with who wasn't looking for a relationship (with me), or the man who was 15 years older and quite a lot heavier than his photos who talked about himself and how great he was throughout our coffee date who grabbed me and stuck his tongue in my mouth after he'd walked me to my car.

 

I can't comment on the couple of men I had coffee with who never got in touch again - they may have been wonderful but I never got to find out

 

But you are right, patience is a virtue. As is maintaining a sense of humour. And as my friends say, at least my adventures make for good stories when we meet up!

 

Thank you again for your kind words Stalwart, between your measured thinking and Jen's offer of a slap you all help me through my (admittedly at the moment) fairly frequent wobbly self-introspective moments

[Brigit1]

To be fair to myself I don't think I have rejected men of good potential - unless you count the man who I had one date with who never got back to me apart from a couple of booty texts, the self confessed bulimic who thought the pyramids were built by aliens, the self-confessed porn-addict, the singer who simultaneously rejected me and offered me sex, the man I went on four dates with who wasn't looking for a relationship (with me), or the man who was 15 years older and quite a lot heavier than his photos who talked about himself and how great he was throughout our coffee date who grabbed me and stuck his tongue in my mouth after he'd walked me to my car.

 

I can't comment on the couple of men I had coffee with who never got in touch again - they may have been wonderful but I never got to find out

 

But you are right, patience is a virtue. As is maintaining a sense of humour. And as my friends say, at least my adventures make for good stories when we meet up!

 

Thank you again for your kind words Stalwart, between your measured thinking and Jen's offer of a slap you all help me through my (admittedly at the moment) fairly frequent wobbly self-introspective moments

 

Women over 35 who live in today's western culture are at a disadvantage if they spend too much time engaging in media who'll point out your inferiority to your 20 something sisters.

 

Aging is reality. Everyone does it and once they stop, it's because they're dead. In order to proceed with any feelings of self-worth you'll need to dig deep into your soul and fight the garbage you hear. The reason youth and beauty are prized is because corporations have learned they can feed themselves off human insecurities. You will not grow younger. My advice is to get as physically fit as possible and to rarely look in the mirror.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Do you know what you want in a partner?

 

 

Do you have a list of things that are deal breakers for you?

 

 

Do you know what kind of relationship you're looking for?

[54JA]

I think it's inspiring to see a woman who trusts her gut and rejects those men she does not feel are right for her. I think you are doing a great job of following your instinct and not settling for any man who pays attention to you just because you are lonely. The reasons you gave for feeling uncomfortable with your suiters are totally legit. They sound like they are either trying too hard, way off (aliens and pyramids), self-absorbed, or simply not focusing on enjoying the moment. Just because they make you feel uncomfortable does not mean there is something wrong with you. You feel uncomfortable because they are in fact weird/creepy!! I went through a period when I encountered a wave of weird/creepy men before I met my current boyfriend. I am really glad I waited and didn't settle. You are doing well!!

[misspond]

Do you know what you want in a partner?

 

 

Do you have a list of things that are deal breakers for you?

 

 

Do you know what kind of relationship you're looking for?

 

I guess I'm after someone where we have a mutual attraction, someone with whom I can laugh and talk and discuss things with, enjoy life with and ultimately he'd need to be someone who is also looking for a long-term relationship rather than just "having fun" or "being casual". I certainly don't have a preconceived notion about how tall they need to be, or how much money they make or such. Compatibility is everything.

 

Deal-breakers? Just the usual; no drugs, criminality, and they'd need to like my kids I guess there would be other things in the mix too but I don't see the need to come up with a long list at this stage.

 

As for the kind of relationship I'm looking for? I'm looking for a monogamous committed relationship with someone who enhances my life, and who has their life enhanced by me.

[misspond]

Women over 35 who live in today's western culture are at a disadvantage if they spend too much time engaging in media who'll point out your inferiority to your 20 something sisters.

 

Aging is reality. Everyone does it and once they stop, it's because they're dead. In order to proceed with any feelings of self-worth you'll need to dig deep into your soul and fight the garbage you hear. The reason youth and beauty are prized is because corporations have learned they can feed themselves off human insecurities. You will not grow younger. My advice is to get as physically fit as possible and to rarely look in the mirror.

 

To be honest I don't often wobble about my looks, but I think at the point I made the original post I'd read too many comments on LS where folks were saying, "Maybe you don't get what you want in life 'cos you're not "all that"." and I was questioning whether I regard myself a little too highly

 

Personally I think I'm aging well (thanks genetics) and I look after myself - I eat well, have an active main job working with people with disabilities and exercise frequently as I teach belly dance a couple of times a week.

 

But I will confess to occasional bouts of insecurity.

[misspond]

I think it's inspiring to see a woman who trusts her gut and rejects those men she does not feel are right for her. I think you are doing a great job of following your instinct and not settling for any man who pays attention to you just because you are lonely. The reasons you gave for feeling uncomfortable with your suiters are totally legit. They sound like they are either trying too hard, way off (aliens and pyramids), self-absorbed, or simply not focusing on enjoying the moment. Just because they make you feel uncomfortable does not mean there is something wrong with you. You feel uncomfortable because they are in fact weird/creepy!! I went through a period when I encountered a wave of weird/creepy men before I met my current boyfriend. I am really glad I waited and didn't settle. You are doing well!!

 

Thank you

 

My OP was questioning my role in my scenario; I'm the common denominator in my experiences after all, but I appreciate that maybe this is just my wave of unsuitable men. But you're right, I'm not about to grab hold of the first man who makes himself available to me just because he's breathing.

 

It has made for some funny experiences to share though - this weekend was an annual camping trip I make with other single parents and the small group of women I reconnect with each year around the campfire (who have mostly stayed away from dating because they're concerned it's a nightmare) were certainly entertained by my tales as we drank our wine on Friday evening.