kturner16 Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 Hey guys, so this is kind of embarrassing to talk about because recently I've noticed how dependent I am on others, and those others are men. My ex boyfriend brought up the fact that since I don't have a father in my life, im very dependent on guys to make me happy and make me feel good about myself and I kind of find it to be true (even though it hurts like hell that he said that). After my ex broke up with me, I felt completely lost. I was devastated and still am from time to time and I feel like my happiness has just been taken away from me since he's gone. Before my ex boyfriend, I had a very emotional and verbally abusive boyfriend and even before him, there was always a guy there showing me attention and I would get upset if he wasn't. I've also been trying to move on by talking to other guys but I find myself getting very upset if they don't show me enough attention or don't go out of their way to show their feelings (even though They've confessed their "feelings" to me). My father died when I was five years old and then I had a very verbally abusive stepfather after that but he also passed away about 2 years ago. (Btw I am 18 years old). Do you all think my vulnerability, dependency and lack of self esteem and self worth have to do with me not having a steady and positive father figure in my life? And do any of you have any tips on how I can break this? I'm very upset with my myself because I can never seem happy on my own. Thanks, xo 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Clarence_Boddicker Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 Probably. It's very important for young girls to have a positive male role model & father figure in their lives. Don't feel guilty, you had no control over what happened to you. Realize that not everyone is going to abandon you. Maybe seek counseling, if you think that might help. You could also talk to other hurt girls (not my term) & find out what worked for them. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 Do you all think my vulnerability, dependency and lack of self esteem and self worth have to do with me not having a steady and positive father figure in my life? Having been where you are, I can confidently say YES. And do any of you have any tips on how I can break this? Therapy. Truly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 I had a pretty terrible father and have had similar problems. It's taken me a very long time to learn to draw my security from an internal well. It's a journey. You can't rush it. The first step is acknowledging the problem, which you've already done. We're not alone. The world is full of absent and inadequate fathers. I'm loving this quote lately, from philosopher Eckhart Tolle: “Love is a state of Being. Your love is not outside; it is deep within you. You can never lose it, and it cannot leave you. It is not dependent on some other body, some external form." What a liberating idea! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Hawaii51 Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 (edited) We all need adequate male AND female energies throughout our life. It's that perfect blend- with adherence to both- that will bring the strongest foundation at which to build upon. Edited May 24, 2015 by Hawaii51 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 You're a person deserving of respect like any other human being, no matter your issues. So anybody who points out your 'daddy issues' is a douche whether you have the issues or not. Please don't think you're somehow deserving of poor treatment due to whatever issues you have. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 I do think you have daddy issues directing you. You have the loss or abandonment as well as the abuse. This is not good because that is what you grew up living with so it is normal-feeling to you, and you will seek out what is familiar. And you need to not do that. What typically happens is you choose a guy who is similarly problematic and have a strong urge to "fix" him by loving him enough. Love doesn't fix anyone. It only enables them to keep being a bad person. But this is how you are subconsciously trying to heal, by taking the situation you already found yourself in and trying to gain control over it. I have never heard of anyone having success at that or being happy that way. I have a friend who has done the same thing. She had abandonment from her bio dad who just left upon divorce and didn't come around or anything. As an adult, she picked a guy who is withdrawn and selfish and has an anxiety disorder to try to love enough to fix him. It has only gone downhill with each passing year. She flew to where he was and pushed herself on him, and he's been dragging his feet ever since and she ends up doing most everything with family on her own. He never would have gone out and met a live woman because of his social anxiety, in which he feels he is superior to everyone else and everyone is wrong except him. Therapy might help you sort all this stuff out and try to change what you are attracted to. Or it might not. My friend was in therapy, but I have a hunch it wasn't a real psychologist or psychiatrist but probably some holistic counselor. I think you should at least give a licensed psychologist a shot at giving you some perspective on this. It is hard to find a good match sometimes. Go and if you feel like all they are doing is saying "uh-huh" and trying to keep from nodding off, change psychologists until you get one who will question you and offer some perspective. Good luck. You are smart for realizing this is going on with you. Most people never do. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 i think you're very insightful to see that you may have an issue and, it's probably one best suited to counseling/therapy or talking it out with people who can give you tools to stop the behavior and break the cycle. and, for the record, you can have an amazing dad and still end up with guy issues. my father was very loving, hardworking, set a positive example, was married to my mom for 26 years, and really loved me. yet.. i still end up with guys who mistreat me and i accept bad behavior from men. although your family structure can impact relationships i think you're ultimately in charge of who you are and what you accept from people. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 and, for the record, you can have an amazing dad and still end up with guy issues. my father was very loving, hardworking, set a positive example, was married to my mom for 26 years, and really loved me. yet.. i still end up with guys who mistreat me and i accept bad behavior from men. although your family structure can impact relationships i think you're ultimately in charge of who you are and what you accept from people. That's interesting. Do you have any insight into the source of your struggles with men? Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 Briefly here, gain some skills in the inter dependent relations thru counseling. Many group sessions help in daily feedback and ideas being rendered. Cognitive therepy was interesting. Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted May 25, 2015 Share Posted May 25, 2015 That's interesting. Do you have any insight into the source of your struggles with men? i think we're all just individuals, and even with a great male role model we can still be influenced by peers and how they see us/treat us, anything that manifests in our own mind, any psychological or depressive issues we might develop independent of our family, or even media influences we choose to surround ourselves with. so, it probably stems from one of those. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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