Tayla Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 This is mostly in context of person growth. And coming into ones own. My youngest son - age 30 is starting to show mature growth in decisions and life plans... He's been my late bloomer at working thru social expectations. He is still shy of friends. It dawned on me though that... its taken myself til probably this past year to seriously say... So this is what being adult entails. In a good way. Its now time to live without such restraints... Those self imposed or set by society. I'm not talking being ignorant of certain social parameters and being willy nilly or such. its a sense of coming into ones own. When did some of you get to that stage of... yeah... I made it and basically are more lenient and tolerant of life. ? Im not talking merely holding a job... or such... its more that stepping stone that we seem to reach and are Ok with finding harmony... Please share... Link to post Share on other sites
darkbloom Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 I think it varies for everyone. My brother for instance. He has always been emotionally immature and had very few friends. He got in a lot of trouble with the law when he was younger. At 27, he is now starting to find his way and be happy with his life choices. I called him today and he was picking out blinds. He sounded as content as could be. He also called my mom last week to ask her about crock pot recipes. He seems to have given up the resistance and is now moving smoothly along. As for myself, I'm not sure. I think I'm still figuring it out. I don't know how to be who I am and who I'm supposed to be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tayla Posted May 24, 2015 Author Share Posted May 24, 2015 Interesting DarkBloom. A work in progress seems a good way to weed thru choices. Oddly my plans and what life presented were far different. Bottom line... even the best laid plans are changed to adapt. I wish you well in your journey. Link to post Share on other sites
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 Is he also a late bloomer in dating and relationships? Link to post Share on other sites
Jonp219 Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 20 years old-Delinquent, unemployed, college dropout. 21 years old-Employed, lost my virginity, and returned to college. 25 years old-Graduating with Bachelors, has a good job, and still growing... I consider myself a late bloomer, even though where I come from not too many people have degrees. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tayla Posted May 24, 2015 Author Share Posted May 24, 2015 Jonp- appreciate your view point. How has the time factor helped or harmed your goals? Was starting later helpful? Link to post Share on other sites
gemo-opus Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 growth is moot. I think the only point fo being an adult is being responsible, that's it. Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 around ages of 25,26. men mature later than women and in most cases, 30+ is their adulthood. of course, we learn our entire lives and there is always room for improving. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tayla Posted May 28, 2015 Author Share Posted May 28, 2015 Appreciate the time frame for maturing thru adulthood. Just hard to gauge when you take into account some factors.... Best I can surmise is, he is healthy, has some morals and ambitions...just needs a bit more nudge to be social....Quiet and reserved is an understatement..Yet perhaps that is his way of maturing.... Link to post Share on other sites
scooby-philly Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 Hey, Love the thread and the fact that you care enough to get some advice/perspective - that shows love. To your question - I hate to say this - and I'm living proof - but we're all a collection of our experiences, choices, opportunities, and random stuff. I mean, yes there's choice involved - but let's face it I can't choose to live on another planet yet. So we make the best choice we can out of the opportunities presented or that we see and we react to what happens to us. The concept of a single path that everyone should follow is a myth. Always has and always will be. A single path would have meant America would not have been discovered, we wouldn't understand evolution, why earthquakes happen, or how to even start a fire for god's sake! And you're question is really two-fold. You start out talking about your son and then delve into yourself. You're son may have had loses earlier in his life he didn't know how to process and therefore is afraid of losing friends. Or perhaps you moved a lot. Or maybe you guys were awesome parents and he never felt challenged to make a lot of connections or try things his own way. There's any number of reasons why he is the way he is. You can't diagnose him so to speak, until he shares things. Then, you can start helping out accordingly. Likewise with you. We don't know a lot about your past or life experiences. Some people don't give a crap about what people think (again to your point - not meaning socially ignorant or rude) at 20 and are successful (by their own measure or by society's or both), whereas some people are still concerned about judgment at 60. It all depends. For me, I'm 33 soon to be 34. I grew in a family full of secrets and that wasn't emotionally healthy or mature. No one took time to show me anything, to treat me like an adult as I got older, to fix problems/arguments without resulting to threats or abandonment, and I didn't get any sort of praise. On top of that I'm a giver. I feel good when I'm helping others. I feel ashamed and selfish when I do what I want. And when i do things by myself I feel awkward and ashamed. But that's because I tried holding on to friends simply because they included me, instead of finding them by doing what I enjoy and being who I am. I tried to give things to others instead of giving to myself. And I was ashamed to go to any adult outside of my family to talk about these things. I started talking 4-5 years ago and while I think I still need more work, it did wonders. I don't care what people say and haven't for a long, long time - I'm myself - now I'm just trying to be good to myself, find my place in terms of career, and establish healthier habits. Good for you and your son btw! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted May 28, 2015 Share Posted May 28, 2015 Appreciate the time frame for maturing thru adulthood. Just hard to gauge when you take into account some factors.... Best I can surmise is, he is healthy, has some morals and ambitions...just needs a bit more nudge to be social....Quiet and reserved is an understatement..Yet perhaps that is his way of maturing.... let him follow his own path. my colleague is now 37 years old and graduated from medical school, he's now an MD. started with 31 years old (medical school for general MDs lasts 6 years in my country), before that he was a college dropout, was mostly living off of his parents, did martial arts and underground fights... he had no real direction in life, no real motivation. took him time to get his sh*t straight and he is now starting his specialization. i am, myself, a late bloomer when it comes to socializing. i started having sex and dating, socially engaging with others in my middle 20ies - really late. some folks just... take their time. nothing wrong with that. Link to post Share on other sites
lino Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 around ages of 25,26. men mature later than women and in most cases, 30+ is their adulthood. of course, we learn our entire lives and there is always room for improving. Is this for real? Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 Is this for real? yes, men mature later in life than women do - it's been proven through various studies. even when it comes to bodily changes - men mature later (usually a year or two later). Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 Is this for real? The studies may be for real but I'd certainly take some issue with their veracity and conclusions, mostly what defines 'maturity'. If we drill maturity down to 'successfully mating with a female and maintaining a relationship with same', that's a pretty narrow assertion of what maturity is, or is not. However, in my generation and demographic, social success and 'maturity' has long been the size of one's family and one's reproductive success so, in this part of the world, someone who wasn't coupled and popping out kids at a relatively young age (think late teens/early 20's) was considered 'different'. Who decides that? Well, society does. We each choose how much stock we put into society; how much we invest into the perspectives and opinions of others. Want to 'get along'? Be 'one of the crowd'? Well, you'd better follow what the crowd does lest you otherwise become outlier, or a 'late bloomer'. In my demographic, late bloomer had nothing to do with education, social or business success; it turned nearly completely on reproductive success and the milieu surrounding that, for a man being a 'ladies man'. If you weren't, to the extent the crowd approved of, labels like 'late bloomer' or 'gay' attended. Some younger, 'early bloomers' put exclamation points on that with violence. Heh, interesting how society works. Pass. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted May 30, 2015 Share Posted May 30, 2015 So he is a late bloomer in career-wise but not dating-wise? Link to post Share on other sites
lino Posted May 31, 2015 Share Posted May 31, 2015 The studies may be for real but I'd certainly take some issue with their veracity and conclusions, mostly what defines 'maturity'. If we drill maturity down to 'successfully mating with a female and maintaining a relationship with same', that's a pretty narrow assertion of what maturity is, or is not. However, in my generation and demographic, social success and 'maturity' has long been the size of one's family and one's reproductive success so, in this part of the world, someone who wasn't coupled and popping out kids at a relatively young age (think late teens/early 20's) was considered 'different'. Who decides that? Well, society does. We each choose how much stock we put into society; how much we invest into the perspectives and opinions of others. Want to 'get along'? Be 'one of the crowd'? Well, you'd better follow what the crowd does lest you otherwise become outlier, or a 'late bloomer'. In my demographic, late bloomer had nothing to do with education, social or business success; it turned nearly completely on reproductive success and the milieu surrounding that, for a man being a 'ladies man'. If you weren't, to the extent the crowd approved of, labels like 'late bloomer' or 'gay' attended. Some younger, 'early bloomers' put exclamation points on that with violence. Heh, interesting how society works. Pass. Good analysis. I'd also question such 'studies' Definitely agree, anyone not following the path of the masses is labelled an outlier and it's quite sad. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted May 31, 2015 Share Posted May 31, 2015 In a way, it makes sense though, the labeling and shunning and other, more illegal, actions. Humans are social animals and seek safety and acceptance in groups. IME, the key to watch for when hearing the labels in real life is who is expressing the label. Watch that carefully for patterns. Then again, one can forgo analysis and live their life on their own terms and accept the labels for what they are; opinions of the billions. As long as they pose no exigent threat, ignore them. Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted May 31, 2015 Share Posted May 31, 2015 The studies may be for real but I'd certainly take some issue with their veracity and conclusions, mostly what defines 'maturity'. If we drill maturity down to 'successfully mating with a female and maintaining a relationship with same', that's a pretty narrow assertion of what maturity is, or is not. i agree with this but i STILL find men to mature around their 30ies, later than woman. just something i see around me, and by mature i mean maturing in emotional sense (thoughts on love, relationships and the world in general) - doesn't really have to do anything with settling down. Link to post Share on other sites
Justanaverageguy Posted June 1, 2015 Share Posted June 1, 2015 (edited) Best I can surmise is, he is healthy, has some morals and ambitions...just needs a bit more nudge to be social....Quiet and reserved is an understatement..Yet perhaps that is his way of maturing.... As someone who was shy, reserved in my younger years but have matured into a much more outgoing and confident adult I think I can maybe provide some insight here. I can honestly say its a continual journey which unravels slowly. Life teaches us lessons if we take the time to observe and learn them. You shouldn't put a time frame on it - we are all different there is no early or late bloomers. We all bloom exactly when we are ready. You can however help give your son a push if he needs it Shyness at its core comes from fear. Fear of not being accepted, fear of being exposed, fear of not being worthy. Fear of what other people would think if they knew the "real" person inside. Its essentially a fear of failure and rejection. As a result they put their guard up. Time and life however have a way of unraveling and exposing even the most tightly coiled spring. If I can be honest what normally causes a shy person to bloom and become more confident and at peace with them-self is exposing themselves and failing - but learning that is not the end of the world. When you put yourself out there .... get rejected .... most shy people think that is the worst thing that could possibly happen so they do anything to prevent it. When it happens and they see life goes on .... it can liberate them. Succeeding in life can't teach us that hard lesson - only failure can teach you that. A bit like someone who buys a new car but refuses to drive it because they don't want to scratch it. The car has to get some dings before they realize the joy of owning a car comes from driving it not looking at it in the driveway. Life will find a way though - just be there to support him and give him a push if he needs it. Edited June 1, 2015 by Justanaverageguy 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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