Getting a Little Too Comfortable Being Single??

[loveweary11]

I'm starting to get very comfortable with my current setup.

 

Here's what's appealing after being married or in long term relationships for most of my life....

 

 

I have my solitude when I want it

I have tons of free time to pursue my interests

I can have sex within hours of the urge arising by texting various girls

I have some good friendships and lovers

Im not lonely

I have women who pop in and out of my life willing to travel and enjoy life with me

I can focus completely on work or other projects

I don't have to answer to anyone

Nobody asks where i am

I get a variety of personalities to "date" or whatever

I'm starting to enjoy meeting new people all the time

 

 

I'm not remembering why I would want a long term relationship or new wife.

 

Is anyone else feeling uninterested in long term committed relationships?

 

Is this normal? I've pretty much been in relationships/married since high school.

[The Introvert]

I think You are not being too comfortable but simply being comfortable as you have mentioned the lot going on for you.....It only gets bad when you need to get into a relationship and fail to get one.... so far so good for you. I have been single all my life and I have grown to love it but the thought of the the day when I am going to seriously consider getting into a relationship scares the lights out of my eyes because I am too set in my ways but as for you, you sound like a man who knows what he wants and how to get it so you have a reason to smile in whatever comfort zone you are in..... you are okay......

[Methodical]

When you can have your cake and eat it too, what's not to like? You aren't lonely and you aren't accountable to anyone but yourself. No, you aren't committed to one person, but you do have casual relationships and/or sure fired hookups. As long as all parties involved are happy, I wouldn't worry about being too comfortable. You are living the best of both worlds Enjoy it!

[amaysngrace]

You just haven't met the one woman who is your very best friend yet.

 

It's good that you aren't giving up your freedom to settle. Don't.

[Ninjainpajamas]

That's like asking if there's a problem with being too happy.

 

There's nothing wrong with what you're doing, you might feel a little guilty for having so much without having to give anything in particular back...like a relationship or marriage, without it actually having to take all kinds of work to have or experience what you're experiencing.

 

You're probably still a bit old-fashioned and relationship minded, so maybe it just kind of makes you wonder what you're doing here at times.

 

But having your own time and space is priceless, as long as you can take care of yourself you're pretty much free to do whatever you want, whenever you want.

 

You can pursue any interest, idea or hobby without anyone else's critique or judgment, with it taking too much time or what about her.

 

Sex is on call, you dial a number or shoot a text and you'll have something arranged on a whim...you get your privacy and your lovin, without the sacrifice of having to be in a relationship. Which in that event you'd have to deal with a lot more of that person and wouldn't have your own space/privacy.

 

You're not lonely because you have plenty of attention, women to call.

 

It's exciting and adventurous, any idea and you have or spontaneity and you have a partner for it...without all the normal hum and drum watering down the excitement.

 

You've got time for projects and work, spending as much time or as little as you feel, at your own space and leisure.

 

Not accountable because you're not in a relationship, so that means women know they can't control you or turn up the heat because you could walk away...the power balance is in your favor.

 

You get to date new and exciting women, who are different and have different qualities about them.

 

You're coming out of your shell more and becoming more comfortable with yourself.

 

No, no, no...by all means, get into a relationship right away...you're missing out!

[Jessie1231]

I'm single and really like it. The only thing that worries me is that I won't ever be able to live with another person. Anytime I start dating a guy I notice little things that I realize I couldn't live with long term. So then I start wondering if I'm destined to become a crazy cat lady thirty years from now. Aside from that, I'm perfectly happy single.

 

I think if you feel really comfortable being single, it's more attractive to other people. I've dated plenty of guys who seemed so uncomfortable in being single that I felt they only wanted me to fill some space. Like it didn't matter if it was me or a blow up doll, as long as they had something to snuggle with at night.

[loveweary11]

Awesome responses. Thanks for the encouragement.

 

I guess I am a little old fashioned and seem to think I'm supposed to be in a relationship or will be judged for not being in one.

 

Also, I have the same fear Jessie does... that I'll be the male equivalent of the old cat lady which is... im not sure, but I bet he smells really weird, has a permanent scowl on his face and has a lot of junk around.

[na49]

You might be judged for not being in a relationship, but you seem to have so much going for you that I doubt you care. You have an amazing setup, and when the right girl comes along, you're more than ready for her. There's nothing wrong with you lol. I'm sure a lot of people (me) are jealous of how secure you are in your single life.

[jen1447]

I agree it can be a great lifestyle, and I wouldn't want to cast a shadow over it. But there is that one objectively true (I think) pitfall of the old age factor that goes along with it.

 

Unfortunately, while a younger or even middle aged man or woman who lives this way may be generally viewed by society as compelling and exciting, it's simply not so for old age, or even advanced middle age, I don't think. (A single 38 year old guy who lives on a boat and f*cks a different woman every other day will be envied by some, but a 65 year old guy who lives on a boat - and most likely doesn't have a bunch of women at his disposal anymore - just becomes that weird old guy out on that boat.)

 

It's unfair, but it's enough of a scary image to me to make me think I'll settle down some day personally.

[loveweary11]

I agree it can be a great lifestyle, and I wouldn't want to cast a shadow over it. But there is that one objectively true (I think) pitfall of the old age factor that goes along with it.

 

Unfortunately, while a younger or even middle aged man or woman who lives this way may be generally viewed by society as compelling and exciting, it's simply not so for old age, or even advanced middle age, I don't think. (A single 38 year old guy who lives on a boat and f*cks a different woman every other day will be envied by some, but a 65 year old guy who lives on a boat - and most likely doesn't have a bunch of women at his disposal anymore - just becomes that weird old guy out on that boat.)

 

It's unfair, but it's enough of a scary image to me to make me think I'll settle down some day personally.

 

I've only been at it for 2 years or so now. Was married for 10, in serious relationships the rest of the time.

 

I'm wondering though... if I'm 65, traveling around the world, looking for company,wouldn't I still be a good catch to other people my age?

 

I figure once women's kids leave and they are bored and divorcing, I'll still be the exciting guy to travel with, no?

 

And I'm starting to feel like i don't want any long term anything. That people popping in for a bit and leaving is the way to go. After all the relationships and a marriage, seems like none are permanent, you can only rely on yourself.

 

And I'm not even sure I'd be at all unhappy traveling the world solo. I'm really, really enjoying meeting new people. For the first time in my life, I'm enjoying it.,

[jen1447]

I'm wondering though... if I'm 65, traveling around the world, looking for company,wouldn't I still be a good catch to other people my age?

Maybe, but you might also be looked on as the guy who refuses to let it go, sort of like an aging rocker. (People tend to look at them with a mix of pity and horror, unless you're Mic Jagger, and then it's just mainly horror and shame for still liking a 70 year old guy who jumps around on stage complaining about his lack of satisfaction. )

[xxoo]

I don't see anything wrong with it. It sounds like you're emotionally unavailable at the moment, and the women you date are likely the same, so it's a good arrangement all around. Everyone benefits from the company they want and no more.

 

In the future, you may fall in love and desire more.

 

Nobody asks where i am

 

That one line seems a little sad to me, but I really like having people care about me, and caring about people. Have you felt smothered in the past by someone wanting to know where you are?

[loveweary11]

Maybe, but you might also be looked on as the guy who refuses to let it go, sort of like an aging rocker. (People tend to look at them with a mix of pity and horror, unless you're Mic Jagger, and then it's just mainly horror and shame for still liking a 70 year old guy who jumps around on stage complaining about his lack of satisfaction. )

 

 

UH OH.... I'm already there!

 

You should see me at music festivals dancing my feet off with more energy than half the people who are half my age there.

 

I might be that kind of guy who doesn't let it go until death. I see no reason to stop doing fun, physically active, exciting things as you age... until you can't do them anymore. I'll be snowboarding, sailing, traveling and exploring for life. I can't sit around in some boring piece of real estate going from house to job to grocery store (repeat until you die)

 

I'm pretty sure there are other adventurous and fun people who want to live.... and would want to do fun things in life.

 

I'm worried that people might think I'm unable to keep a relationship or that I'm now gay for being single (family mainly), but wouldn't care at all what randos think of my life of adventure.

[loveweary11]

I don't see anything wrong with it. It sounds like you're emotionally unavailable at the moment, and the women you date are likely the same, so it's a good arrangement all around. Everyone benefits from the company they want and no more.

 

In the future, you may fall in love and desire more.

 

 

 

That one line seems a little sad to me, but I really like having people care about me, and caring about people. Have you felt smothered in the past by someone wanting to know where you are?

 

 

Ha ha ha. Yeah, I was thinking the same thing after I posted. I guess with phones, nobody asks where you are at all. They see it on snapchat, they are already with you, etc... I just mean I don't have to tell anyone what I'm doing. May have worded it incorrectly.

 

I have people that care and I care about people.

[Ruby Slippers]

If all you're worried about is what people think of you, just let that worry go, because it doesn't really matter what anybody thinks of you.

 

I wouldn't worry about being alone in old age, either, because women outlive men, so even in your very last days, I'm sure you'll have ample widowed, divorced, and solo women to choose from.

 

If you don't feel you're missing out on anything, then you're not.

[Haerts]

Unlike you, I'm one for settling down and wanting to have someone with me for the rest of my life. Being single is nice too, but right now, the idea of having someone for me and being there for them at the end of the day sounds so much better than entering an adventurous life like yours.

 

I do, however, get a little jealous of how independent and secure you are. In all honesty, I wish I was like that. Relationships are full of dramas and it also makes you have to give up on many things in life. But I really can't help it and it bothers me to stay single, even though that was never enough of a reason for me to start a relationship.

 

Congrats on being so self-assured, that's very rare nowadays!

 

By the way, may I ask you your birth date? (no need to include the year). I'm just curious to know which zodiac sign are you. hahaha... I'd guess sagittarius?

[GravityMan]

You're single, but you also seem happy and not lonely. You are not a loner...you're still satiating your social needs. It's just not in a committed relationship. I say good for you.

 

You may meet someone special when you least expect it, and there may be some adjustments needed there to adjust to that lifestyle. But since you've only been living the single life for 2 years, and have had substantial prior experience in committed relationships...I think you'll be fine when you meet that special lady.

 

Hopefully you still have some sort of local companion that you're still close to. For example, if some severe sickness suddenly hits you...you'll probably want that person by your side for support.

 

Another minor note (which Jen1447 touched on) is that in the grand scheme of things, being single and not settled down will increasingly be perceived as strange the older you get. In many parts of the United States, especially socially conservative areas, society generally "expects" people to be married and settled down by their mid 30s or so. Progressive urban areas like NYC and San Fran are an exception. Being outside the status quo in that regard might have negative repercussions on one's future career path. That said, it is true that this doesn't matter all that much anymore in 2015...as opposed to 1980 or so.

 

It's the single folks who lived alone for 5+ years, had very little (or no) relationship experience, didn't get out much (few if any friends and dates) and lived a fairly "routine" lifestyle (e.g. wake up, go to work, come home, watch TV, go to bed, rinse and repeat ad nauseam) that are far more concerning. They may be too ingrained in their comfort zone...and even if they do meet someone special they may have a lot of difficulty adjusting to frequently being with that other person.

[TouchedByViolet]

You are living the ideal scenario of the single life. Just keep doing what you are doing till you meet a girl who makes you remember why long term is something you want. Till then you have lots of happiness in front of you.

[Eggplant]

I am single, and I also love not being accountable and focusing on work and having space to myself.

[joseb]

I'm starting to get very comfortable with my current setup.

Here's what's appealing after being married or in long term relationships for most of my life....

I have my solitude when I want it

I have tons of free time to pursue my interests

I can have sex within hours of the urge arising by texting various girls

I have some good friendships and lovers

Im not lonely

I have women who pop in and out of my life willing to travel and enjoy life with me

I can focus completely on work or other projects

I don't have to answer to anyone

Nobody asks where i am

I get a variety of personalities to "date" or whatever

I'm starting to enjoy meeting new people all the time

 

I'm not remembering why I would want a long term relationship or new wife.

 

Is anyone else feeling uninterested in long term committed relationships?

 

Is this normal? I've pretty much been in relationships/married since high school.

 

Hi there,

I've been in relationships most of my life. 4 months ago I broke up with my GF of 5 years, and although it was very very painful, it felt like the right thing to do. One of the things to come out of this is my (re)discovering how much I like being single - I was only really single for a couple of years after my first LTR (13 years!) and it was a fantastic time. I'm a bit older now, but I'm already really starting to feel like living single is the way forward for me. In fact, the more I think of it, the less I have any interest in being in a LTR.

I can related to your list completely - except for the 'can have sex within hours' part. I'm not ready for any kind of relationship yet (even casual). But I'm out a lot, meeting new people, and flirting, so I think I'll get my groove back in that respect soon enough.

 

The main concern I seem to notice from the posts is what other people might think. I say screw them. People are hung up on outdated societal norms. I used to worry a lot about what other people think, but now I really couldn't give a ****. As long as you are not harming anyone, live the life the way you want to.

Edited May 6, 2015 by joseb

[loveweary11]

Since this has bubbled up, I need to add something to it...

 

I was reading another post where the op talks about being rejected after sex.

 

It got me thinking....

 

I have 2 girls right now that would be interested in relationships. They drop huge hints at it, but I always find some reason not to move forward.

 

I'm going to be very, very open and honest about these reasons here and you all are going to think I'm nuts. I am. But I might need help.

 

In the past, I would have got in a relationship with either one of them.

 

#1) Said we should get married, is claiming my new boat as hers, talks about how I need her, and is not close with people or smothering as a rule. Just really into me alone. She is sweet, younger, of course, but mature sort of. Then I eliminate her as a match because she does drugs sometimes. Also that she is too hooked on and a servant to her family. Can't see her traveling. Lastly, she's Bangladeshi and black. Not racism, but fear of experiencing racism holds me back. She's 23.

 

#2) We've known each other for half her damn life. lol I met her while I was still married and didn't pursue. She wanted to. Then she was with a guy and I wanted to after my divorce. Then we both wanted to. We have been part time dating and hooking up and together when convenient for years. She travels just like I do. Yoga instructor, hippie chick. Pretty heavy partier, but that's starting to quiet down. May come with me on the boat trip back to NY. We are on again, off again constantly, because we travel. I'd love to get her traveling with me instead. She is elusive as hell. I went to start new things recently and didn't contact her for a while, then she cranks up the contact and reels me back in. I'm looking forward to seeing her this summer because she's up north all summer this year too. I'm sure she'll want to play and have fun local traveling. But I eliminate getting deeper feelings for her because she sometimes does drugs, is worse ADD than me, I feel like I don't want to put the effort in to keep her, which seems kinda substantial.

 

Basically, I eliminate everyone. Kind of scared to feel again.

 

When the hell does this go away?

 

I think that's why I'm so happy being single. Because I'm scared.

[elaine567]

I think that's why I'm so happy being single. Because I'm scared.

 

Yes, I got that, you are essentially hiding behind this superficial, shallow, "great" life because you are scared to put yourself out there, in case you get your heart broken. At least you have insight and that is a start.

You deliberately choose unavailable/unsuitable/temporary/casual/nomadic/inmature women to get involved with and you can then persuade yourself easily that you are better off without them.

You allow them to flit in and out of your life.

 

I think you should sit yourself down and make a plan as to where you want to be in your life 10 years from now, and be realistic in your expectations and identify a target audience of suitable women. If you can build a boat, you can build a plan for your life.

 

You can spend the next 10 years partying and playing your life away, flitting from one shallow, superficial, frivolous woman to the next, and if that is really who you are then go for it, but that is not going to bring you long term closeness with a special someone.

 

If you truly want a real relationship, then you will have to lay your heart out on the chopping block and you will have risk it being chopped to pieces at some point.

Else you may live to regret that you never pursued that real close relationship with one special woman.

[Emilia]

I think that's why I'm so happy being single. Because I'm scared.

Well of course. When you are having that sort of lifestyle - speaking from experience - you get to meet boho and unstable women rather than those that you could actually have a great companionship with. Being single means you choose to spend your time with certain types of people. Not those that are relationship material since at this time you aren't one yourself.

[loveweary11]

 

I think you should sit yourself down and make a plan as to where you want to be in your life 10 years from now, and be realistic in your expectations and identify a target audience of suitable women. If you can build a boat, you can build a plan for your life.

 

I snipped the rest because I agree with it and have no questions at all on it. It was all true/fact.

 

This, I have a question on.

 

I'm already where I want to be. I had a little setback from the divorce, but have a truly magical life. I travel, experience new things and get paid a lot to do so.

 

In 10 years, I'd like to be in exactly the same place (traveling globally), but to have someone to share these things with.

 

That's it. That simple.

 

My life is ridiculous. Other than that divorce setback, my days typically consist of preparing exquisite meals from scratch from local and organic ingredients, going for walks and hikes, puttering around on a beach, exploring towns, reading, entertaining guests, breathing fresh air and not wearing shoes, fixing mechanical problems, etc. I get paid a LOT of money to do this. (pre divorce)

 

I'm already where I want to be. Just need that traveling companion, life companion.

 

So how do I plan for that?

 

I think I have to just prepare for that chopping block.

 

Also, how can you even love anyone fully, knowing all relationships are temporary? I'll always hold back after what happened to me in my marriage. I'll never be able to give myself fully to anyone again, I don't think. It's permanent damage.

Edited May 6, 2015 by loveweary11

[joseb]

Also, how can you even love anyone fully, knowing all relationships are temporary? I'll always hold back after what happened to me in my marriage. I'll never be able to give myself fully to anyone again, I don't think. It's permanent damage.

 

If its not too personal, what happened in your marriage?