jjyossarian Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 I hate the bar/club scene and have few friends as it is so getting setup is difficult if not impossible. Online dating is one of the few viable options for me in getting dates. Recently I had met someone who I felt a strong connection to right away, we had long conversations via text and after our 3rd date, got intimate. Logging in today though, I see she did an extensive profile overhaul including new pictures. I can certainly understand logging in to continue conversations with people, she wasn't the only one I was speaking with from the site either. But it was just so soul crushing to see her put that much effort into doing better than me. It's crushing because I haven't been intimate with that many women. And it's crushing because conversation with her has become so stilted, what used to be paragraphs from her are now one word responses. I deleted her number, I deleted my account, I don't want to do it anymore. I hate dating, I've had so many horrid experiences this just being the latest. I know, don't take things personally but how can you not when you're looking for someone to spend your life with? I know, I'm sorry, people definitely have larger issues than this. Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 OLD is full of liars, fakes and flakes... Don't take it personal. Try to meet people by doing hobbies, volunteering, meet-ups, church. Hopefully you can meet people starting of on doing things you enjoy together, get to know them on a friendly basis before deciding if you wanna turn it romantic. She probably got her head big after landing you and now wants to play the field. I thought that guys were the only ones on OLD looking for hook-ups. I guess there's gals out there doing that too? Again, don't take it personal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted January 28, 2015 Share Posted January 28, 2015 Could it be that you are probably too sensitive full stop, and OLD enhances that somehow ? One of my good friends (male, just turned 40, single for at least 8 years) just decided one day he wasn't going to be single anymore. This guy is ruggedly handsome but doesn't know what a mirror is and can't be bothered with his appearance at all (3-day beard, dishevelled hair, permanently stuck to his jeans), to him a full sentence is like a speech, he is lovely and kind but riddled with insecurities, so much so that when he decided to open an OLD thing, after reading all the horror stories on here, I thought he'd be eaten alive by all the 'entitled, rude, venal' women the majority of men on here seem to be describing. How wrong was I... long story short, he has been 'dating' non-stop for at least three weeks (whatever that means), seems very happy with the type of ladies this is bringing him and is really enjoying himself. So really this OLD thing can bring the worst in you as much as it can bring the best, depending on your attitude and what you're looking to get out of it; it isn't for everyone - I've never tried it nor would I ever dream of it because, like you, I'm far too sensitive for these kinds of things. Once you know this, you can either try to develop a thicker skin, if finding someone to share your life with is really a priority for you, or live a very happy life, single (it's very possible, too) and hope for the best. In any case, best wishes with it all Link to post Share on other sites
Author jjyossarian Posted January 29, 2015 Author Share Posted January 29, 2015 I've browsed this site previously and understand that OLD itself has a pretty bad rap in this place but how is the dating population really any different? I'm active in a few MeetUp groups and have constantly seen people who go to those events and having a dating profile, the city I live in is just transplant city. My first serious gf of 4 years I had found via OLD unfortunately that place is 100s of miles away now. I'm a hopeless romantic and sappy to a fault, I know, there's nothing I can do about it. I understand that even if the date doesn't go so well, or the relationship doesn't form the way you want it, you're suppose to still take something from it into the next. But at this point, the ratios have become horribly imbalanced for me. I feel like I'm losing so much more than I'm taking after each failure. Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted January 29, 2015 Share Posted January 29, 2015 I've browsed this site previously and understand that OLD itself has a pretty bad rap in this place but how is the dating population really any different? I'm active in a few MeetUp groups and have constantly seen people who go to those events and having a dating profile, the city I live in is just transplant city. My first serious gf of 4 years I had found via OLD unfortunately that place is 100s of miles away now. I'm a hopeless romantic and sappy to a fault, I know, there's nothing I can do about it. I understand that even if the date doesn't go so well, or the relationship doesn't form the way you want it, you're suppose to still take something from it into the next. But at this point, the ratios have become horribly imbalanced for me. I feel like I'm losing so much more than I'm taking after each failure. There is a world of difference between actively looking to date (online or off) and living your life without worrying about finding a partner (or at least not at any price) in that you can very easily happen upon a chance meeting with someone who isn't looking to date either yet is somehow willing to take a risk just for you, when you are the least expecting or prepared for it. If you feel you are losing more than you're gaining, it's time to stop, if only for your peace of mind. So much agony isn't really worth it, and may ultimately work against you in your quest because your views will likely change from hopeless romantic to jaded, misogynistic cynic, and that can't be a good thing. There's really nothing wrong with being a hopeless romantic jjyossarian, and one day you'll meet someone who will know how to appreciate that, and you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
spanishchick00 Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 I've browsed this site previously and understand that OLD itself has a pretty bad rap in this place but how is the dating population really any different? I'm active in a few MeetUp groups and have constantly seen people who go to those events and having a dating profile, the city I live in is just transplant city. My first serious gf of 4 years I had found via OLD unfortunately that place is 100s of miles away now. I'm a hopeless romantic and sappy to a fault, I know, there's nothing I can do about it. I understand that even if the date doesn't go so well, or the relationship doesn't form the way you want it, you're suppose to still take something from it into the next. But at this point, the ratios have become horribly imbalanced for me. I feel like I'm losing so much more than I'm taking after each failure. Yeah, I'm in a few meetup groups also, and found out that almost half of members also have dating profiles. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 31, 2015 Share Posted January 31, 2015 Welcome to LS, OP, and yep one needs a tough skin these days to survive in a world where people are beheaded and blown up every day, not to mention the more mundane disregard for human decency and civility which occurs on a routine basis. I learned that harsh lesson decades ago, in a perhaps more civilized world and, yep it sucks to abandon certain aspects one likes about themselves to deal with the world but life is about adapting and overcoming and outliving one's enemies and hopefully with a modicum of peace and happiness. To some folks it comes naturally. For others, we have to work on it. Good luck in your process. I also don't have sexual relations with women easily or quickly and simply have opted out of the system after decades in it and being married. That's a choice I can live with, hopefully for a long time. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
starmar Posted February 2, 2015 Share Posted February 2, 2015 I completely understand and have been in the same place as you. Online dating is tough, dating is though and for people like us who are sensitive it may not be the best venue. I was reading a book recently titled The Tao of Dating and the author made a good point that online dating is not an ideal resource for dating because there is very low accountability. People disappear, they don't feel the need to explain, it is very impersonal. Do not take this personal, it is not you. We have to learn to protect ourselves so we don't fall into these situations again. Some of the plans Ive made include: * not becoming intimate with someone unless I feel completely comfortable and have had multiple interactions in real life. text messages and social media don't count * have really low expectations from people on dating sites. It sucks, but we learn from it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jjyossarian Posted February 3, 2015 Author Share Posted February 3, 2015 Got a text from her today out of the blue; long story short, it's me not you in a nutshell. I feel insanely ill right now. I'm done, time to become a hermit for the next decade. Link to post Share on other sites
remote Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 as they say, you don't go looking for love, love comes looking for you... take it slow, just remember you only need to meet just 1 right person, who cares if the whole world is crazy, bad, full of liars, whatsoever. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Moy Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 If you feel you are losing more than you're gaining, it's time to stop, if only for your peace of mind. So much agony isn't really worth it, and may ultimately work against you in your quest because your views will likely change from hopeless romantic to jaded, misogynistic cynic, and that can't be a good thing. This x1,000,000! I've just learned this the hard way after two years, zero dates and a stream of rejection and snarky comments about my appearance on OLD sites. I'm now cynical and suspicious of women's motives as human beings and I should not be thinking that. It's wrong, inaccurate and offensive to good women. Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 This x1,000,000! I've just learned this the hard way after two years, zero dates and a stream of rejection and snarky comments about my appearance on OLD sites. I'm now cynical and suspicious of women's motives as human beings and I should not be thinking that. It's wrong, inaccurate and offensive to good women. You shouldn't be. We all go through the same stuff at various points in our lives; it's very tempting to either put the blame on other people or be too harsh on yourself but there's really no need to be. It'll be very difficult to make someone else happy if you're not happy with yourself or your situation. Strangers on dating sites know nothing about you, and you nothing about them - leave them to their own thoughts and focus on yours; assess what's important to you now, have dreams and ambitions by all means, make them realistic and reachable and do whatever you can to get to them without hurting yourself or others in the process - common sense, sensible friends and a glass half-full will help with that. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 Some do well when OLD others don't. I think timing, luck of the draw and a whole heap of other factors come into play with both on line and off line dating. At the end of the day who gives a damn if the glass is half full, full or even empty. You have the glass and you can fill it and drink from it as you please! Rejection sucks and when you put pressure on yourself to find the "one" and be in love it takes away the sparkle and loveliness of spending time getting to know someone... Take the pressure off and just think in terms of getting to know people instead. Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 At the end of the day who gives a damn if the glass is half full, full or even empty. You have the glass and you can fill it and drink from it as you please! Surely a positive attitude helps, no? Link to post Share on other sites
Just_Me_Again Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 I know what you mean. I met up with someone I had known on FB for a couple years and we had a great time together. Nothing physical, but lots of laughs and good conversation. We obviously clicked and talked about meeting again. The lunch date turned into spending the whole day together. I just knew there would be a second date.. and hoped for many more. We parted ways with a warm lingering hug and said we'd "see each other online" when he got home. To my bewilderment, he stopped talking to me. Oh he posted all about going out and what a great time he had, but he didn't mention me or talk to me again. No hey, kiss my ass, or anything. Seems like if he was as interested as he said he was, he would send a note now and then, or at least respond to mine. It does hurt. I eventually deleted him and put him out of my mind, but the not knowing why stung for a while. You just have to keep in mind its not your problem, its their problem. Let it go and move forward. Its just a waste of time that you can't get back wondering why someone rejected you, or chasing after someone who did. Bottom line is, it just didn't work out. Maybe the next one will, so let it go and hold your head up and try again. I certainly wouldn't be getting physical that soon again if I were you. You'd be amazed at how many users and booty calls you weed out by slowing it down some. Link to post Share on other sites
Kellens Posted February 9, 2015 Share Posted February 9, 2015 I have also been trying the online dating world and while it has been fun in most aspects it can be pretty frustrating. I did have one guy who was fairly similar to your girl, 3 dates, intimacy and then kind of a cold shoulder. He was the first person I was intimate with after my breakup so I did get a little attached but I think I was mentally prepared for rejection even though I did feel pretty devastated for a couple of weeks. Not all people are decent but you can't give up trying. I'm talking to a couple of guys now and am hesitant about getting intimate again but if it feels right perhaps I will loosen up again. I'm trying to have fun with this and hopefully something amazing will come along during the process. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
The Mighty Quinn Posted February 11, 2015 Share Posted February 11, 2015 I'm now cynical and suspicious of women's motives as human beings and I should not be thinking that. It's wrong, inaccurate and offensive to good women. Women feel that way too sometimes. Dating is hard. I've had men that I barely knew ask me for naked pictures, ask me personal questions about my sexuality or on a first meet-up wanted to bang me in his car or in a dirty motel. I don't online date. It's made me sad about men. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jjyossarian Posted March 5, 2015 Author Share Posted March 5, 2015 I had tried again a few weeks after making this thread. Nice lady I met at an event. We had our first date a few days later where she kissed me on the lips and tells me she really liked me. We have many more dates eventually getting intimate many of the dates on her request; I felt that we were getting close. Then the last 3 days? No contact despite updates on her FB. Chalking this one up as another failure. I just don't get it. The funniest thing is before this topic, the immediate two women I had been seeing wanted a FWB situation after a few dates rather than a relationship so I had to quit it. I've come to the realization that I should have actually had the utmost respect for them for at least coming clean with their intentions early. My father never had any serious relationships after divorcing at 30. I'm a few years from that point now but I'm understanding why, hell, feels like I'm going to beat him to the punch if anything. I'm so through with all this. Link to post Share on other sites
Van Norden Posted March 6, 2015 Share Posted March 6, 2015 I got three stories with OLD: one got insanely hooked on me, I got insanely hooked on another and managed to bang the third one. But all I really inferred from internet dating is that more often there is insecure people wandering there. You would better improve your self-esteem and get around for some day game, but once again I am not the best one to speak... Link to post Share on other sites
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