Eternal Sunshine Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 I feel like I have changed a lot in the last few years. I am far less emotional or rather less controlled by emotions than I used to be. Still, my work life, family life and friendships have always been fairly stable, it's just dating/relationships that were affected. I feel though that I have come a long way in terms how I even handle emotions at work. In the past, I used to feel personally offended if someone ignores my email for example and used to obsess over the fact why and jumped to all kinds of conclusions. Now I barely notice or even care if co-workers like me. As a result I have become far more efficient and have gotten a promotion at my new work place in less than 6 months. When it comes to personal relationship though, I haven't met anyone I seriously liked in more than 2 years. At best I have liked someone for a short while and then forgotten all about them if they didn't return the same level of interest. It's an improvement over unrequited crushes that plagued me and I used to take as deep rejections. I am curious how would I cope in a deeper relationship. Have I really changed or am just using avoidance and indifference as coping mechanism? The fact that I haven't even liked someone for so long seems weird to me Link to post Share on other sites
Maleficent Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 I'm kind of in the same boat as you. At this point, I'm worried I'll keep ending relationships with decent men because I've been on my own for so long (5 years) I don't even know how to deal with a shared day-to-day life anymore. Sorry I can't be of much help here. Feel free to join me in buying a house with a thousand cats lol 2 Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 Have I really changed or am just using avoidance and indifference as coping mechanism? The fact that I haven't even liked someone for so long seems weird to me I think it's a good sign, the fact that you're questioning your own motives with regards to why you haven't had a relationship in a while. If you can recognize why you avoidance cope, you can learn to diffuse your own anxiety about dating/being in long-term relationships. If you do use avoidance coping (and indifference) to stay single, ask yourself these questions: Do you avoid things like romantic relationships now, because that would trigger painful memories of past romantic relationships? Do you purposely stay under the radar socially-speaking so that you can avoid having to put forth the effort into establishing and maintaining relationships outside of work hours? Do you have any anxiety about rejection, to the point where you avoid asking for what you want in your work/friend/family/romantic relationships? Do you go out of your way to avoid feeling awkward in social situations by avoiding those social situations? Is your sense of self-worth based on being "the best" at what you do, to the point where you avoid social situations like online dating, for example, where you would be compared to other women? They say that the best way to get over fear is to just face it head-on. Challenge yourself to be more vulnerable and open to men in dating situations. Instead of shutting your emotions down the next time you meet a guy you really like, allow yourself to be completely vulnerable with him and try not to control the outcome. Does that make any sense? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dragonfire13 Posted October 30, 2014 Share Posted October 30, 2014 Like other posters have mentioned, I feel like I'm in the same boat. I now try to avoid pointless drama and arguments, whereas previously I would get moody, argue and stew until I was blue in the face! Now I've learned to let a lot of stuff go, spend more time with myself and if something's really bugging me, online forums such as this have definitely helped, because you find a lot of people dealing with the same crap and therefore, these @ssholes are worldwide. I view it as emotional maturity. I don't know if this is the healthiest approach, keeping people at arm's length, but it's setting boundaries with people and it means I'm not going round in circles with them anymore. In regards to meeting new people, I'm still friendly and I'm open to having a deeper connection, but I know this will take time and I'm setting the boundaries early on by limiting contact/meeting up. If people treat me well of a period of time, perhaps my guard will drop. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 At best I have liked someone for a short while and then forgotten all about them if they didn't return the same level of interest. I think that is healthy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted October 31, 2014 Share Posted October 31, 2014 Have I really changed or am just using avoidance and indifference as coping mechanism? Try testing it this way: If someone said to you (in a sort-of arrogant or self-righteous way), "Hey, Eternal Sunshine, you're just fooling yourself. YOU haven't changed a bit! You're just using avoidance and indifference, instead of emotionalism, feeling offended and holding grudges!!!" How would you react to that person / that 'accusation' / that external assessment of you? To me, the one (your personal development and increased self-awareness) isn't really related to the other (whether or not there are persons of interest in your immediate circle/sphere of influence...AND will treat you as you want, need and deserve to be treated). The fact that I haven't even liked someone for so long seems weird to me But if there's no one around to pique or hold your interest, it doesn't really speak to your...anything. It doesn't say anything at all about your worthiness, likeability, personality, intelligence, etc., etc. Yes, your new-found capacities and skills will be tested in a romantic relationship in different ways than with friends, family and coworkers...but they are "transferable skills"...thank G, right? . So, if you're pleased with how you're doing with the latter group, then you can feel quite confident and comfortable that it will 'transfer' to the romantic, too. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Burp Posted November 1, 2014 Share Posted November 1, 2014 The answer is to your left. That cat has the answer you need. My stray cat/self appointed free loader, is outside meowing and begging. I hate this one. It was 1 of 3, but it was jealous of the other 2 because they were cuter and I liked them better. Now they are gone, and it has begun meowing suddenly. Never did while they were here. If that cat could have meowed while they were still around, then it would of knew it was over it's jealousy and emotions. But now, they are gone, so it's easy for it to dominate and meow, and so it will never know the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
tuxedo cat Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 Congrats on your promotion! I'm wondering the same thing about myself. I used to oscillate between foolishly idealistic and morbidly depressed. Now I'm somewhere in between. I'm not "cured" but I think I've come much closer to earth. I feel that I now see people for who they are. In some ways I'm more cynical than I once was but it's a weary kind of cynicism rather than an angry, passionate kind. Am I burnt out or more mature? It's hard to say. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted November 4, 2014 Share Posted November 4, 2014 The answer is to your left. That cat has the answer you need. My stray cat/self appointed free loader, is outside meowing and begging. I hate this one. It was 1 of 3, but it was jealous of the other 2 because they were cuter and I liked them better. Now they are gone, and it has begun meowing suddenly. Never did while they were here. If that cat could have meowed while they were still around, then it would of knew it was over it's jealousy and emotions. But now, they are gone, so it's easy for it to dominate and meow, and so it will never know the truth. Its cold out side and your cat wants feeding... ...knowing cats it probably doesn't give a damn if you like it - it just wants food... Feed your cat Burp and the meowing will stop. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted November 5, 2014 Author Share Posted November 5, 2014 Congrats on your promotion! I'm wondering the same thing about myself. I used to oscillate between foolishly idealistic and morbidly depressed. Now I'm somewhere in between. I'm not "cured" but I think I've come much closer to earth. I feel that I now see people for who they are. In some ways I'm more cynical than I once was but it's a weary kind of cynicism rather than an angry, passionate kind. Am I burnt out or more mature? It's hard to say. Yeah, my emotional intensity is gone, it's like I lost my edge. I used to feel more present and alive now I am often just going through the motions. I get a lot done nowdays becuse I don't spent my days lost in thought. It's amazing how much energy emotional intensity takes. I am acutely aware that I am alone though, and sometimes that bothers me. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts