Life isn't worth living

[Kaiten]

That's what I genuinely feel like. Like life just isn't worth a damn thing.

 

I live in the bible belt. Conservatives all over, but there are liberals often enough too.

 

I am not the churchy type. And that's a huge thing around here. I don't knock church anymore - but I don't have what it takes to fit in around here. And I don't want to have it.

 

Honestly, I don't care about making it to heaven. Or hell. I just want to live an awesome life and make a difference. That's all I care about.

 

I started going back to church because I wanted to be accepted again. This false filling of acceptance has sent me spiraling into depression.

 

I have spent the past few months contemplating suicide. It'd be easy since I already have a gun.

 

But I can't help but think about how little of this world I've seen. Even though I go through all this pain, I can't help but think that it's just too soon to die.

 

So what I am considering is moving away.

 

Just packing my bags. Not saying a word to anyone. Just gone.

 

Even my very best friends have abandoned me, because I stopped going to church. When I came back, they warmed up to me again, but I know that our relationship is solely dependent on my church attendance.

 

I know that if I stay here that I am going to eventually kill myself, or hurt someone else verbally, or something bad's going to happen.

 

Has anyone ever done it? Just packed their bags and walked away from their old life?

 

I am 23 by the way. Single. No family. Just a job and a church is all I've committed to.

 

I want to leave and put my life's blood into starting my own business and writing my own books.

[Don22]

Yeah, there was a time when I was depressed for a couple of months. I was tired of everyone in my town and had idea of packing my car and moving to a new area. I actually drove about 200 miles. I stopped off at a motel but found that my depression had tagged along. I felt even worse. You can't simply out run depression.

[Satori]

I moved halfway across the world twice for 9 months at a time. Got a job and a living space and generally had a good time. I left for similar reasons, I could never see myself living in my hometown or even my home country for the rest of my life so I just packed up, booked a ticket and left.

 

But I came back and I feel secure enough now to know I can stay here long enough to get my bachelors degree and perhaps find a girlfriend or at least better friends than I had. Moving away in my case made me appreciate what I had by realising what little others had and that life isn't all that bad if you leave your hopelessness behind.

 

Give it a try, change is always good. It gives you new perspectives, and you look like you could definitely need one.

[Elias33]

You are in control over your own life. Not a church, and not some job. So why wonder about those external elements. You have the choice, you had it all along, can't blame a church for being a church, etc. It's all in your hands. You don't HAVE to be there.

[Allumere]

Since your depression seems to be very dark and consuming please reach out to a health care provider...and seriously, if suicide is in your mind please call the hotline 1-800-273-TALK (8255). In addition to addressing the immediate pain you are in, a good therapist could really be useful in regards to helping you cope with the situation you are currently in as well as giving you the tools to move forward (and away) to do all the cool things you have caught glimpses of!

 

If I could do things over again at 23, I would take the path you are pondering...make a change, see the world. Truth be told, I am seriously considering doing it now as I am again single. You are absolutely correct. It is a great big world and you ain't even scratched the surface yet. You have zero reason to stay where you are...zero. I think you will find by traveling around that there are people of all flavors...many just like you.

 

I know you have an awareness within yourself, despite your depression, that you are meant to do something that has impact and that you certainly have the ability. Lean on the big guy, the value is there and not on a church community that obviously doesn't understand what being Christian entails.

[Ronni_W]

I want to leave and put my life's blood into starting my own business and writing my own books.

Then you owe it to yourself to do EXACTLY that...or, at this stage, at least to take the first step towards that.

 

To be honest, from you post there doesn't sound very much in your city (or town or "village") that is really inspirational, positive, life-giving, supportive.

But that is NOT how life is...only life in that silly little place with its too narrow-minded community of people.

 

Please do not let them define 'Life' for you...they're not necessarily true, accurate reflections of what life can be. In fact, they are not at all what life can or should be.

Your own vision is much more accurate...trust yourself on this one.

 

Post when you have your first book published!

[LuckyLady13]

Kaiten, the Bible Belt is for a certain type of people and you're not one of them so yup, get out or that place is going to destroy you. It's sucking the life out of you.

 

Did I just pack up and leave? Right around your age! And it was one of the best things I could have possibly done. Finding work was murder, it turned out. Cities are so tough to find work in or at least good jobs anyway. I went from one city to another so you would think it would've been easy for me! However, despite the job situation being grim, I met so many people who opened my eyes to a different way of life. And that was worth more to me than anything else at that time in my life. I needed it.

 

I moved across the country from one side to the other and the lifestyle of the people there was nearly upside down from what I was used to. It showed me where I'm the most happy and thrive. I saw some of the worst in other people and some of the best in people at just the right times.

 

The Bible Belt is not the place for you and you know it. Some people love the lifestyle there and thrive on all that church buddy/buddy stuff. The sense of community they get from it and everything bad that goes on there too. I would sound exactly the way you do if I lived there right now.

 

If you decide to go (and I think you already have), just be prepared that the adjustment will be confusing at times and harder than you expected at times but when it's tough, think back to what you just said here. And make your new life work! Because you know what you left behind. It might even be good to print this thread out, your own words, and take it with you for tough times so you can make a clear-headed decision on if you should stay in the new place or go back.

 

I have only visited people in the Bible Belt but for weeks at a time though and I was so depressed it was scary! And I said to the person I was with one time "If I was trapped out here, I'd blow my brains out in that corn field right there". I was so down and out. But I saw other people happy, having a great time and thriving right where I was in the deepest pit of depression. Some people know how to make a life for themselves in a place like that and honestly thrive. I'm not one of them.

 

I learned a lot when I took the plunge. It was hard. I made some stupid mistakes. And then there were days that went well and I wanted to kiss the ground! I started getting it and things started to become easier and all I did from there was get really super freaking happy about where I was. There were so many cool things about it!