SJS Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 For as long as I can remember, I've gone through these bouts of depression and am currently in one. When this happens I usually end up doing some sort of self-harm (smoking, alcohol & drugs when I was in my teens...alcohol & food as an adult--currently in mid-30's). Normally these periods don't last long, maybe a week, several times per year. A while ago I saw a therapist and explained everything to him. I grew up in an alcoholic family and was basically taught to smile through everything and just keep quiet, basically to put on a happy face. I binge eat until I feel sick or actually do get sick (that internal voice is saying I should stop now, I know what I'm doing, but it's like I literally cannot control myself), and I hide it. My self esteem is basically zilch. Although I manage to care for and keep my family "rolling smoothly", I don't take care of myself and anything benefitting me I do half-assed (for example, college--I know what I need to do to pass exams and how to study, but instead I procrastinate or sit there and stare at nothing and ultimately end up failing the test). When I explained this to him, his response was "there's nothing wrong with you, just join Weight Watchers". While he helped with some other issues I had, I felt like I lost his trust (for not believing me) with that response so I never went back. This is one of the longest down periods I can remember, although it's not constant and seems to go in waves, but the waves are more down than up. I've put on about 20-25# in the last few months (that I didn't need to begin with), which makes me feel worse. I can't get the internal dialog to shut up and it's all negative. It's to the point where I feel like I'm losing control. And the thing is, I don't feel that I can tell anyone, including my husband. He knows something is not right but he's not going to keep pestering me when I tell him nothing's wrong and I can't blame him. I don't want him to see me the way I see me. When I've tried to talk to friends in the past, it's like nobody believes me because I'm always smiling and am upbeat, so I stopped trying. That's a common issue I've had my whole life...every friendship I've had has always felt one-sided--I'm a great listener and can give out advice but never give the opportunity to flip roles. So this is actually not new. I know I need to find a new therapist but...(pick any excuse). The fall semester is about to start and my schedule is going to change drastically from what I'm used to. I anticipate it's probably going to get worse before it gets better. I'm sorry this ended up being more bloggish than what I had anticipated. If you have any advice or have been through something similar, I'd love to hear it. TIA. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
J2911 Posted August 1, 2014 Share Posted August 1, 2014 Hi friend. I was wondering if you may read into some literature about manic depression and maybe talk to your primary doctor about it. He may be able to prescribe you something to help you not go through these episodes . Link to post Share on other sites
SpiralOut Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 (edited) Well, I've had a crappy counsellor before so I know what that's like, if that makes you feel any better. They are supposed to be the one person who actually listens, but in your case, this guy didn't. It sounds like you're feeling too down to have the energy to find a new therapist. I don't blame you. It's a pain in the ass to find one, then you go in not knowing for sure if they will be the right one. Whenever I feel bad, I also struggle to help myself. Not sure why. Yoga classes help, so I make up excuses for why I can't go. I procrastinate booking a doctor appointment. The voice of depression says "don't bother." It's not good to feel as though nobody understands. Try writing down a few numbers to call on your lunch break. Edited August 4, 2014 by SpiralOut Link to post Share on other sites
Noproblem Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 You can talk here about your problems and we will listen. I know, I will do... Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted August 4, 2014 Share Posted August 4, 2014 Can you write out a few positive things about yourself each morning? Can you stay away from alcohol? It's a depressant. Try a new counselor and be honest about your depression and battles with food, alcohol etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts