Potz4prez Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 (edited) ...when it's too late to just fall into it? Background: Looks, dress, physique, personality all a-ok. I'm almost 25, had sex once a year ago... first and last time. I was pretty damn drunk and she was a stranger. Through grade school and college, I had no self confidence and didn't date. Blew a few chances to have sex thanks to anxiety shutting me down in college (holy hell those awkward cringe memories). Recently my anxiety and self confidence are much much better, and shouldn't limit me. For example, at a concert recently some girl practically threw herself at me, and I didn't go for it. It was like I first started to over-analyze (her friend was behind us... "should I kiss her in front of her friend?... blah blah blah)... and then all of a sudden it feels like my body is resisting my urge to kiss her. These days, getting dates and going on them is easy for me... until after the first date. Flirting comes easy - sexual flirting does not, and does not happen. When I do escalate (kissing), it feels forced, and obviously the girl picks up on it - it doesn't go past there. This is why I'm frustrated... I have a phone FULL of cute girl's numbers, been on numerous dates, but nothing ever happens. And before you say it, I'm not going on these dates with the mindset of "gonna get some sex." I genuinely enjoy getting to know new people. Edit: Like I can't bring myself to invite whatever girl from tinder over for a movie. Overt stuff like that just makes me freeze. This is all starting to kill my drive to date, since I'm starting to convince myself that nothing will come of it (romantic relationships requiring sex and all). Advice? Edited June 30, 2014 by Potz4prez Link to post Share on other sites
Grumpybutfun Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 Pots, what are you telling yourself about sex? How much pressure are you placing on the act itself or the numbers without really enjoying the idea of sharing your body with a woman? Sometimes I think when you have built something up in your head or made it into some sort of myth, a Holy Grail of sorts, you miss your cues and signs because you aren't enjoying the natural progression of social interaction anymore on a sexual level. You need to reprogram how you think about sex because you missed opportunities to connect with girls on an emotional and physical level because of fear and anxiety. You may have anxiety issues, in which case, you need to see your doctor so you can get help. If it is something that your mind can't override, your willpower and determination can't reset, you need some intervention by a mental health specialist in anxiety. Your doctor can help with that. Good luck, Grumps 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Potz4prez Posted June 30, 2014 Author Share Posted June 30, 2014 (edited) Long term anti-anxiety medication doesn't seem appealing, seeing as they cause lethargy and cognitive blunting... which will totally ruin my grad career, where I regularly have to work, and problem solve, 50-70 hrs a week. To date, I've improved immensely via the sink or swim method. Getting numbers, going on dates.... but now I've seem to hit a wall I can't seem to get over... not even to test the waters. I feel like there's something I'm just not grasping. The plan now is to try and get a decent counselor. Edited June 30, 2014 by Potz4prez Link to post Share on other sites
ThaWholigan Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 The key is accepting yourself as a sexual being - I experienced similar apprehensions during intimate moments. I think in those moments you have to suspend your mind for a bit and learn to be in the moment. When you can do this, it will be easier to be a tad more impulsive. Sexual flirting comes with practice really, it will be awkward at first but soon you will find it easier to talk sexually with girls. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
learning_slowly Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 Maybe you also have to accept everybody has their flaws. Are you waiting for a perfect girl? Do you think you are not good enough for them? I'm sure even the most attractive girls have slept with some ugly men in their time. The main thing here seems to be your lack of confidence. Can you take up a hobby which would interest a girl, so you have a starting topic, e.g. I go parachuting at least once a month, would you like to come? Obviously parachuting may not be your thing, but you get the idea. Link to post Share on other sites
carrie_o Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 Perhaps you should hold off on the sexual flirting on the first date. Take your time getting to know these girls on a deeper level before even kissing them. Make them your friends first. I used to have the same problem. I believe my fears were rooted in my social anxiety. I still have problems talking to people I don't know. I found out that once I know someone, it becomes a lot easier to be flirty and sexual with them Link to post Share on other sites
movingbackwards Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 It takes some time to get used to! You have to experiment. Invite a girl over to hang out and just TRY it (if she's into it anyways) After you start getting used to it, it will be easy. This is an easy fix. It's just getting experience. Sometimes you have to make yourself. I *sort of* struggled with this after my breakup a year ago. Instead of freaking out about it, I would just make a drink, invite them over so there was no turning back and saying "Ehh...let's just see what happens" If it doesn't work out, so what. If it does, then perfect! Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 Be in situations where it's appropriate to express yourself sexually. Honestly, I was horrible at being a sexual person until I got my first GF. From that point on, everything just makes more sense and comes out naturally. Link to post Share on other sites
Mcnulty Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 What part of your body do you like?? Think to yourself, I have that positive attribute and a member of the opposite sex is missing that right now. Also a relaxed body language, be comfortable in your own skin, stand, sit slouch how you are comfortable, but if you're slouching, remember to mirror the demeanor of the person you're talking to. Congruence is a winner every time! Link to post Share on other sites
Inflikted Posted July 11, 2014 Share Posted July 11, 2014 I'm a bit of an oddity, myself. I'm 25, nearing 26, and I've never had sex. Never really dated period, to be honest, as I don't connect well with people in general, let alone with women in a "romantic" way. Honestly, I can't wrap my head around being sexual with a girl. It's weird, because I have urges and desires, but I just can't imagine myself actually having sex. And really, I strongly believe that sex with me would be extremely unpleasant for a girl, and in my mind, that just wouldn't be right for a girl to have to endure. So, I dunno. At this point, I don't believe I'll ever have sex or be with a woman in any way. Which is extremely depressing, but I suppose that's what I deserve. Link to post Share on other sites
smuggy95 Posted July 11, 2014 Share Posted July 11, 2014 I have the same problem. I am GREAT at being friends, but I don't want to be friends. I don't want to be friendzoned. it helps if the girl takes the lead, yes? but they don't always. even then...it feels like we drop the ball, subconsciously. We were raised to be polite to girls, to be gentlemanly (in a way..I'm lesbian but still), not to take advantage. We feel if we are too forward it might ruin our image as a 'nice' person. But being sexy isn't about being nice. You are too worried about what she's thinking, or what her friend thinks. Pick up on her cues and then go with what you feel/think. like someone said, be in the moment. Really enjoy the flirting and the tension build up. If you don't feel it, don't force it. First steps first. If the mood isn't set, forcing a kiss won't set it. Link to post Share on other sites
Smilecharmer Posted July 11, 2014 Share Posted July 11, 2014 Long term anti-anxiety medication doesn't seem appealing, seeing as they cause lethargy and cognitive blunting... which will totally ruin my grad career, where I regularly have to work, and problem solve, 50-70 hrs a week. To date, I've improved immensely via the sink or swim method. Getting numbers, going on dates.... but now I've seem to hit a wall I can't seem to get over... not even to test the waters. I feel like there's something I'm just not grasping. The plan now is to try and get a decent counselor. You can work with your doctor to find something that has none of the debilitating cognitive blunting. There are milder forms. Quite honestly, no amount of cognitive therapy in the world is going to help you sexually if you have an anxiety disorder. You need some outside help. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 11, 2014 Share Posted July 11, 2014 Long term anti-anxiety medication doesn't seem appealing, seeing as they cause lethargy and cognitive blunting... which will totally ruin my grad career, where I regularly have to work, and problem solve, 50-70 hrs a week. Not necessarily. I am on it, and just graduated from my grad school programme (MS in a STEM field). That being said, obviously you would actually need to be diagnosed with clinical anxiety by a professional before going into that. Which you might not actually have. Clinical anxiety isn't just feeling anxious about certain things - it refers to a state of mind that affects you all the time. I agree that a counselor would be a good idea, as well as going out of your comfort zone more often. If you have a good, trained counselor, they should be able to tell whether or not you need to be evaluated clinically, and refer you appropriately if they think you do. Link to post Share on other sites
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