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Split from 'Angry' Thread: Rape/Anger Issues Need Help


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seekingtochange
Originally posted by moimeme

If you find that you are in a fairly regular state of simmering fury, or if things which used not to bother you are getting to you, or if you fall into tears much more easily than normal, or if the slightest thing sets you off, or if you dont' seem to be laughing and smiling as much as you used to - pay heed. These are all warning signs that something is going on with you; often that someplace in your life there is too much stress.

 

First check yourself physically - are you getting enough food? Enough sleep? The right kinds of foods? Enough water?

 

Next, review what's been going on in your life - major life change of some sort? Any stressors, things to worry you? Keep digging. Somewhere is a reason why you're different and you need to know what it is and deal with it.

 

Anger is not healthy. Nor is stress. They literally produce toxins in your body which damage you. So it's absolutely to your physical benefit to find out what it is that is causing you to have changed. You only got one you, after all!

 

i've been watching this thread for a while. i'm a person who the issue of anger is ruining my life. i'm a rape survivor. raped by an acquaintance at 13. i was a virgin. acquaintanced raped 3 times more by the time i was 17 by different guys who were not people i "asked for it" to.

 

even before that i grew up in an anger ridden, loud, volatile home. i think my dad was abusive and i've spent years of therapy dealing with that only to come to adulthood feeling like maybe my anger is a personal demon that is my own fault.

 

i don't know where my anger comes from anymore. and none of my loved ones care. my therapist says i have a right to be angry. but i am so easily infuriated and set off. jealousy, envy, hurt, powerlessness, lack of having my feelings validated, feeling misunderstood, abandonment, rejection, insult it all sends me into an irrational state.

 

yesterday my mom told me about some dateline she saw where the woman had a bad temper and "got herself killed" by her husband. the unsaid moral of the story, "watch your temper."

 

i am in a relationship where i feel the guy emotionally abuses me but he adamantly says i'm an angry, screwed-up rape victim and choose to be that way. it's totally untrue. i have literally devoted my whole life to self-imporvement and trying to heal, and letting go of anger but the people i love see different and i don't know how to make the anger stop.

 

the people i love are the ones who are the biggest stressors. i am my own biggest stressor. i look far back into my years and i never loved myself, therefore never really learned to rely or belive in myself and now i am just someone who loses people's trust, continues the abuse and traumas and doesn't know how to make it stop but tries sooooo damn hard to make it stop. i am in therapy. i went to an all woman's anger management. i try my hardest to do what's right.

 

so what am i doing wrong? should i start another thread. i am at the end of my ropes with the state of my life. it is out of control no matter how much i try to control and maintain my own emotions, it just seems like lack of understanding and compassion and support from my loved ones continue. instead they push the buttons. what am i doing wrong. why am i failing at finding healthy happpiness in my life.

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It seems like you are trying very hard to work out your past but the people closest to you are'nt. Has your family, friends or BF gone to therapy w/you? B/C they need to. Rape survivors need a lot of support from the people around them and "possible emotional abuse" from a BF (which is NOT ACCEPTABLE to anyone) and negative Dateline updates from your mom are not gonna cut it.

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seekingtochange
Originally posted by Fayebelle

It seems like you are trying very hard to work out your past but the people closest to you are'nt. Has your family, friends or BF gone to therapy w/you? B/C they need to. Rape survivors need a lot of support from the people around them and "possible emotional abuse" from a BF (which is NOT ACCEPTABLE to anyone) and negative Dateline updates from your mom are not gonna cut it.

 

thanks for your reply, Fayebelle. my therapist emphasizes this same thing to me and I know it's true but all the knowledge of this seems to do is feed my anger and desperation when i deal with them and the result is that i can never convince them that i need their help.

 

in fact, my BF went with me once to my counselor and he never went again. he says it's not his fault and he didn't rape me and he shouldn't have to deal with that issue cuz it's my OWn problem that I need to fix on my own. He says if I wasn't so angry and hostile he would be different but i've tried to use the healthy tools i've learned to resolve situations between us and nothing works. he turns it all on me no matter what.

 

my family is the same. they perpetuate the button pushing. they are elderly now and stubborn and with them i was willing to live life accepting it was my own choice to heal and to detach myself from whatever dysfunction possilbe.

 

but i thought i was making a healthy choice in choosing this boyfriend and that he was emotionally strong, supportive, loving and kind enough yet all it has done is lead me down a path of more self-doubt and exacerbated anger.

 

i'm just filled with shame about everything i am and everything that has happened to me, both the things that were/are my fault and the things that are not.

 

they won't change. i can't expect it, and i've already tried to get them to go to couseling with me. if they do it would be a miracle and it is up to me to change things for most part. but even if i my BF and I are not meant to be, there is still my family to contend with that i can't run away from.

 

I am a rape survivor that's being pegged as an abuser because the anger of not being validated or thought of as worthy and valuable is consuming me. I want to practice altering my bad reactions forever. it starts in the fact that i abuse myself with my own thoughts. then they feed it. i wish i could take a magic pill and make it all stop. my loved ones actually think i choose to hold on to anger. why would anyone think that of me? It's become such a mind-fk that i am wondering if it's true and i'm crazy.

 

this is destroying my life. i'm not young anymore. i'm 36 now. and still so lost inside and feeling abandoned and betrayed.

 

moderators, thanks for starting this thread for me.

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Originally posted by seekingtochange

 

in fact, my BF went with me once to my counselor and he never went again. he says it's not his fault and he didn't rape me and he shouldn't have to deal with that issue cuz it's my OWn problem that I need to fix on my own. He says if I wasn't so angry and hostile he would be different but i've tried to use the healthy tools i've learned to resolve situations between us and nothing works. he turns it all on me no matter what.

 

 

but i thought i was making a healthy choice in choosing this boyfriend and that he was emotionally strong, supportive, loving and kind enough yet all it has done is lead me down a path of more self-doubt and exacerbated anger.

 

 

 

1st of all - Can you See the contradiction of what you wrote?

 

You can't choose your family but you can take time and space away from them when necessary. Your BF- NOT COOL! Sorry but there is no such thing as "loving and kind enough" for a person who is having emotional probs. The "enough" part just can't exist. They must be loving and kind and even more importantly -empathetic. They will Never know how you feel b/c no two survivors are the same. But they should be willing to try to understand your current emotions and motivations and work with you and a councelor to support your and your relationship TOGETHER. Your anger may be a prob for your relationship but your partner should be willing to work on the solutu=ion w/you.

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seekingtochange
Originally posted by Fayebelle

1st of all - Can you See the contradiction of what you wrote?

 

reading those 2 statements together totally does sound contracdictory but just so your clear:

 

Re:

 

"but i thought i was making a healthy choice in choosing this boyfriend and that he was emotionally strong, supportive, loving and kind enough yet all it has done is lead me down a path of more self-doubt and exacerbated anger. "

 

We were friends for a long long time before we got together. Years and years. We both thought we really had a mutually, empathetic, bond when we walked into the relationship. What changed his attitude toward me was my emotionally vicious, self-destructive angry epidoses. i held in alot of secrets with many people. he didn't know the depths of my emotions or pain but also my insecurity thinks it's that he found out I was raped as a kid. In the beginning he did appear to be loving and kind because we could talk for hours and he really did seem there about certain other issues in life. but that's where my anger screwed things up too. he'd never seen it before then suddenly it was consuming our relationship. at least that is probably his perspective.

 

you see, i do know that somehow the extremes of my emotions played a huge hand in his resentment and cruelty toward me. After some of the things I have said, and the anger I have felt I know i helped to bring things down. More than one person that loves me has told me I don't allow others to be there for me and that I don't know how to receive their support too. The problem is once I triggered his emotional issues and pushed his buttons, there was no turning back the bad dynamics between 2 suffering people.

 

They must be loving and kind and even more importantly -empathetic. They will Never know how you feel b/c no two survivors are the same. But they should be willing to try to understand your current emotions and motivations and work with you and a councelor to support your and your relationship TOGETHER. Your anger may be a prob for your relationship but your partner should be willing to work on the solutu=ion w/you.

 

I agree here, 100%. And that is what hurts so much. He's not willing to deal with this stuff with me because honestly, he has many of his own problems to tackle first. As painful as it is he does have the right to choose to set up his boundaries because my needs can be pretty draining.

 

Therefore, I know I have to walk away from it. But my concern really isn't about that relationship right this minute as my future. There's another thread up right now about whether being single really teaches us about ourselves. If you go in it, many people say both being single and being in a relationship each teach us things about ourselves and my problem is that whenever i am out of a relationship I feel fine. I feel like I've come a long way, and if I don't have to deal too intimately with others it seems true.

 

But I carry around similiar repetivive issues with everyone I do care for. And that part is me and my dysfunction isn't it? I have to be realistic here...is there ever a point where justifying my anger and extreme emotions is not enough to excuse the behaviour anymore? I waver on that point now when I tried my whole life to avoid it.

 

I know I do deserve empathy and I do deserve compassion. That's what fuels my anger at most of my loved ones to begin with. but truly how many people on earth would put up with what i put out? i don't think many would and i am being totally realistically honest. My rage is extreme to the point where I feel alot of shame in the way I handle my own emotions. That's what I really seek advice on...My rage and what I can do, bec. he at this point is secondary to the fact that no matter who I'm with, I am still with myself.

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Hmmm- you were friends for a long time but he didn't know about your anger probs. Do you have any friends you can be honest with? B/c these emotions seem to be occupying a lot of your thoughts and energy. If he couldn't see that in the entire time you were friends then either he's not very observant or you are still spending a lot of energy hiding your true feelings. If the former is true- find a man more in tune w/ those around him. If it's the latter you may still need a lot more time w/your therapist before you are ready for an intimate relationship. There's nothing wrong with needing time. You need to heal and know your own mind before you are ready to trust and share w/ someone else. Hell a lot of people who haven't been in any situations like yours still aren't ready to do that. Look at George Clooney. :) It really sounds like you have come a long way though. You are able to recognize and name your probs even if your still working out how to handle them. [color=darkred][/color]CONGRATULATIONS! [color=black][/color]That is the sign of a true survivor. Bravo on moving forward with your life. You are an incredibly brave woman and I am proud to name you as one of my heroes!!

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I agree with your therapist, you have every right to be angry. Not only is it an entirely natural response to your experience, it will have been critical to your ability to cope. Often anger can help protect us from despair. This will have consolidated your early learning, having been raised in a household where the expression of anger was the norm.

 

i am my own biggest stressor. i look far back into my years and i never loved myself, therefore never really learned to rely or belive in myself

Both the experience of abuse and the lack of outlet for anger can cause feelings of self loathing. It's no surprise that the most persistent effects of being dehumanised are evident in those situations when you are most vulnerable and when you try and express your humanity to others through warmth, affection and love.

 

The other thing which may be getting in the way of you forming healthy relationships with others is your reliance on them for self validation which you need because of the way you feel about yourself. This immediately hands control over your emotional state to others and may be the reason why you feel powerless.

what am i doing wrong. why am i failing at finding healthy happiness in my life.

I don't think you are doing anything wrong at all, on the contrary I think you have come a long way in healing yourself. You say that you are relatively content when you are single. I bet it took a hell of a lot of effort to reach that point. You need to celebrate your successes in order to give you the confidence to believe that you can beat this problem.

 

i am so easily infuriated and set off. jealousy, envy, hurt, powerlessness, lack of having my feelings validated, feeling misunderstood, abandonment, rejection, insult it all sends me into an irrational state. the people i love are the ones who are the biggest stressors.

You are coming perilously close to blaming your loved ones for the way you are feeling. I don't doubt that they are part of the problem and that there is more they could do to help you. But they can not rescue you, they can not make you feel good about yourself. You are the master of your own destiny, the only person who can resolve this. You need to stop giving others this degree of control over your well being and reclaim that control for yourself.

 

Similarly, whilst you are not choosing to be angry, you do have the capacity to let go of it. I know you have tried to do this, so far unsuccessfully. Re-learning what has become an instinctive response is a long, painful process. Often, the most critical step in treatment is acquiring belief that you can do it. It is important you understand that it is therapeutic for you to and others to hold you accountable for your anger, or else you will never change. That's not to say that change is easy or that you are somehow to blame for not having managed to achieve it so far.

 

Persist with the therapy, if it's not working ask for a referral to a psychiatrist who may be able to recommend and evaluate the effectiveness of different forms of therapy (different types suit different people). Make sure you get help from people who have a substantial experience of helping others with both anger management and low self esteem. Read accounts of others who have suffered and overcome great adversity, how did they do it? Changing the way you feel about yourself will help enormously, there are some really good self help guides available. Above all concentrate on believing you can change through the examples of others, through recognising the distance you have already traveled and through identifying, testing and reviewing small behavioural changes in specific situations which will eventually bring the realisation that this problem is yours to resolve.

 

I agree with Fayebelle, you are a true survivor. You'll make it.

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