Pit

[TheHighWayMan]

So, where to begin? I feel like I have been trapped in this pit of depression for the past several years. It started when I was a child. My father was very violent and abusive and left when I was two. My mother spent all her time dating and trying to meet other guys, going to the bar and coming home hammered. This was very traumatizing as a kid, and I remember cases where my mother endangered her own life due to alcohol. There was a time when she fell down a flight of stairs, and another where she got the hood of her car run over by a flat-bed truck while drunk driving. I played at the park alone most days.

 

When I was 7 years old, my mom met a steadier boyfriend. They ended up getting married two years later and we moved in with my step dad. I was a little hesitant, but I had always wanted a father and he turned out to be an incredibly nice guy. My family situation started to improve, though there were still major substance abuse problems. My new step dad had a son, my step brother, who ended up becoming one of my first friends. He lived at his biological mother's place for most of the week, and I only got to see him on the weekends. I'd learned mistrust for humanity from my mother at an early age, as she was the only person I was ever around and was always drunk and volatile.

 

I had to leave my old school behind in grade 2 because of the move, and I was isolated from the few friends I had at school. The alcoholism continued to increase, and I spent all my time on the internet to escape from reality. I was constantly anxious, worrying whether my mother and step-father would come back tonight. I needed to be constantly occupied by a video game or TV show or there was no peace of mind. Even then, my thoughts haunted me. My mother influenced my new dad, who was never a heavy drinker before, and they started going to bars and clubs together. I lived off instant noodles and cereal for a few years as we never had dinner together and there was never anything in the fridge.

 

Throughout this period, I was a trouble maker at school. I didn't care at all about my grades or about anything for that matter. I was constantly in the office for delinquency, and I didn't really have any friends at my new school. Every environment felt hostile to me. I felt that the whole world was against me. I wasn't interested in anybody because nobody was interested in me, and I neglected my social life for the most part. I still haven't fully been able to figure out what that was about, but I'm thinking I was afraid to get close to people because they would just act like my parents?

 

Things slowed down a bit in the next year or so. My parents stopped going to clubs and I started seeing them more, though they were still constantly drunk. I finally thought things were starting to get better, until my father was diagnosed with major-depressive syndrome. He would lie on the couch for days on end, just staring up at the roof with a bottle of booze in his hand. My mother tried to help him, but her failure to do so just led to more drinking. I would find them both passed out drunk on the couch with the TV still on most nights.

 

I hid in my room for the most part when my parents were home, intimidated by their loud, obnoxious comments and stumbling pace. My mother always told me she loved me, but actions speak louder than words. I was addicted to video games, and I began smoking marijuana to escape from reality. I began stealing their wine at 14 years old. There were always multiple bottles of wine in the fridge, and as drunk as they were, I knew they wouldn’t notice one bottle missing. I usually had a bottle of wine and some weed to myself every night.

 

There were a few incidents that caused my mother to change her mind. She cracked her skull in a bad fall, and crashed another car, and finally decided to stop drinking alcohol. I was incredibly happy, though I still couldn’t get over all the pain and hurt. I would drink and smoke more every day, and I had a couple cases of alcohol poisoning. There was a party at my house one day, and there was a lot of booze lying around. I went around and looked for the strongest bottle; some 151 proof Bacardi, and began chugging that **** back. I was incredibly drunk by the end of the night, and I ended up with alcohol poisoning. I lost my vision for the night, and when my parents tried to restrain me I went wild and a lot of people got hurt.

 

The next day I woke up in the hospital staring up into my mother’s beat up face. I felt horrible. I wanted to kill myself for what I’d done. I’ve never been able to get over the guilt, and I still beat myself up for it. My parents tried to comfort me, saying it was somehow their fault, but I knew the truth. I always feel so weak. I always use my circumstances as an excuse for succumbing to my emotions.

 

My mental health just got worse and worse. In high school, I became hopelessly addicted to marijuana. I stopped drinking for a period, preferring marijuana over alcohol. My parents started turning the cold shoulder on me because of my habits. I never saw how they couldn’t understand what was going on, when they’d gone through the same thing just recently. I felt even more isolated.

 

I never let any of these emotions out, and I think they have all just been building up within me. I didn’t smile a lot during high school, and most of my friends were just other stoners that I could smoke weed with. I didn’t want to open up to anybody. The only thing that I ever enjoyed in my life was sports. The physical exertion let me concentrate on something else, even if just for a second. I was always lifting weights, running, climbing on roofs and doing flips.

 

A year ago when I was 17, I seriously injured myself. I had to go through a major operation, and was told that I would never be able to participate in sports again. I’m pretty hopeless right now, and I’m still just constantly thinking about my ****ty childhood and how pointless life is. I feel like there is no purpose anymore. Nobody needs me. I lie in my bed every night, feeling my heartbeat, wondering why it doesn’t just stop.

 

I’ve been trying my hardest to make things better. I try my best to make friends and socialize, and I’m always respectful and friendly in my dealings, if a little distant. But nobody cares. People only think about themselves, and what they can get from me. Nobody has ever tried to understand me, or even bothered asking about my past. I lost my driver’s licence after two major collisions. I don’t know how I walked away alive from either.

 

I'm currently 19 years old. The tiniest things make me snap these days. I don’t sleep. I don’t eat. I find myself punching and kicking walls in frustration, walking around at night just hoping to get run over or shot. What to do?

Edited August 17, 2012 by TheHighWayMan

[TaraMaiden]

You need to see your doctor and seek an urgent referal for therapy, by a qualified psychiatrist.

you're not mad, crazy or stupid: You just need help.

 

you need help to separate stuff:

What you were not responsible for, and what you are responsible for.

 

An awful lot of the above is basically as a result of your roots - but don't play the blame game - either towards your parents, (biological or step-) and particularly, not towards yourself.

 

It's sad that so much of your life was crazy and on a knife-edge - but what else could you do?

It's great that you've decided enough is enough, and you're seeking support and help.

nobody here can help you professionally, or give you what you most need...

But we can advise and support.

 

Please contact the AA. You may not be alcohol/drug dependent, but it's not good for you, and alcohol started this whole sorry mess.

They're fantastic, and will certainly offer you a great deal of experienced guidance.

And speak to your doctor about therapy, too.

 

Congratulations, and really, well done for wanting to pro-actively change things. At 19, you have sought means of climbing out of the dark hole.

Some people never even get to this point.

 

Keep well, good luck and keep posting....