How to Break Obsession

[Mr Scorpio]

I currently face many obstacles in life preventing me from achieving happiness. However, the one that is paramount is my obsession with my ex. I equate my potential for happiness with my potential for re-uniting with her. She has left me on two occassions. She contacted me last November with some breadcrumbs, but I haven't heard from her since. Moreover, I'm 95% certain that she got married a few weeks back.

 

Logically, that should slam the door shut on my hopes and help end the obsession. Nope. I still think about "what if I did 'X'..." or "what if I hadn't done 'Y'..." which is KNOW is self-defeating thinking. Heck, even posting this is probably self-defeating!

 

I don't doubt that I could attract someone into my life. And even if she was "only a 5" that 5 > 0. Yet, despite the manner in which my ex left me, all I think about is 9 > 5.

 

People say "talk her off the pedastal" and I would love to do so. Yet, there are just too many positive attributes and commonalities -- some of them admittedly superficial -- to outweigh the few negatives that existed.

 

I have a decent chance to turn my life into something enjoyable (i.e -- financial security and a family to share it with). However, I feel that my obsession with this one person -- out of six-billion -- is helping to hold me back, helping me to dig myself into a hole.

 

So, any advice, be it supportive, harsh, contemplative, etc would be greatly appreciated. Oh, and happy holidays to the American audience!

[writergal]

I currently face many obstacles in life preventing me from achieving happiness. However, the one that is paramount is my obsession with my ex. I equate my potential for happiness with my potential for re-uniting with her. She has left me on two occassions. She contacted me last November with some breadcrumbs, but I haven't heard from her since. Moreover, I'm 95% certain that she got married a few weeks back.

 

Logically, that should slam the door shut on my hopes and help end the obsession. Nope. I still think about "what if I did 'X'..." or "what if I hadn't done 'Y'..." which is KNOW is self-defeating thinking. Heck, even posting this is probably self-defeating!

 

I don't doubt that I could attract someone into my life. And even if she was "only a 5" that 5 > 0. Yet, despite the manner in which my ex left me, all I think about is 9 > 5.

 

People say "talk her off the pedastal" and I would love to do so. Yet, there are just too many positive attributes and commonalities -- some of them admittedly superficial -- to outweigh the few negatives that existed.

 

I have a decent chance to turn my life into something enjoyable (i.e -- financial security and a family to share it with). However, I feel that my obsession with this one person -- out of six-billion -- is helping to hold me back, helping me to dig myself into a hole.

 

So, any advice, be it supportive, harsh, contemplative, etc would be greatly appreciated. Oh, and happy holidays to the American audience!

 

I think the best place to start is to admit that you haven't begun to process the evidence of your relationship so that you can move on. That is how obsession acts as a barrier. It prevents you from examining the pieces of truth (good and bad) about the relationship, your ex-gf, and you.

 

This article explains it really well, I think. Obsessing & Overthinking – Processing the Evidence of your Relationship So You Can Move On | Baggage Reclaim

[Mr Scorpio]

Thanks for the reply. I guess I'm not certain what you mean by "processesing evidence" of the relationship. I'm not sure that the idea even pertains to me. You see, I was obsessed with my ex -- thinking about her every-day and pinning my chances at happiness on being with her -- for five-years before we ever started dating! Five years!

 

The sad part is that, had I been working on myself during that time, career wise, I likely wouldn't have lost her in the first place.

 

I guess my question to you would be, what sorts of "evidence" should I be examining to help me break this obsession? I don't consider it life and death, but I do consider it life versus not-living.

[writergal]

Thanks for the reply. I guess I'm not certain what you mean by "processesing evidence" of the relationship. I'm not sure that the idea even pertains to me. You see, I was obsessed with my ex -- thinking about her every-day and pinning my chances at happiness on being with her -- for five-years before we ever started dating! Five years!

 

The sad part is that, had I been working on myself during that time, career wise, I likely wouldn't have lost her in the first place.

 

I guess my question to you would be, what sorts of "evidence" should I be examining to help me break this obsession? I don't consider it life and death, but I do consider it life versus not-living.

 

Were you friends with her for 5 years before you started dating? Why did you wait that long to ask her out?

 

Its understandable that the timing wasn't right when you dating your ex, if you were focused on your career. That happens. But she's moved on and is married now, so you need to move on for your own sake too.

 

Read the article I provided a link to in my previous post. I think it has a lot of great advice.

[Mr Scorpio]

Were you friends with her for 5 years before you started dating? Why did you wait that long to ask her out?

 

I was friends with her for fourteen years before we started dating. We met when I was 13 and she was 14. She was the older, cooler, very cute girl who could seemingly had her choice of whomever she wanted. I never would have expected that she would have any interest in me until we had a "fling" in 2000. That was when I became obsessed with her, and I have been ever since.

 

Its understandable that the timing wasn't right when you dating your ex, if you were focused on your career. That happens. But she's moved on and is married now, so you need to move on for your own sake too.

 

It wasn't my focus on a career that led to the first breakup. It was the exact opposite. She worked hard to obtain her career, while I was still without any real direction in that regard.

 

I know now more than ever that I need to move on. But between being in school and not being employed full-time, I don't have much time/resources for dating. Beyond that is the comparison game. To me, my ex was a 9.5/10. I've never met anyone before, during, or after our relationship that compared.

 

I'm afraid I'm going to do the easy thing: stay single and spend weekends with other perpetually single men, all the while wondering what could have been. In retrospect, I never thought I'd have any GF in the first place, so in a way I consider myself fortunate for the memories I have. At the same time, if I could just break the obsession.

 

As always, thanks for the reply.