my life is so miserable

[Debbie]

I dont really know where to start. ...I have just been prescribed anti depressants by my doctor, for ?postnatal depression ?pms. I am currently in my 2nd marriage, to a great man, who is so patient, caring, understanding, brilliant with me and my 2 children from previous marriage, and a great dad to our own son, 6 months old. My ex husband gave me 13 years of emotional stress. He was heavily into porn to the extent that he prefered it to me, he had hundreds of mags, watched adult channels when i was around or lying in bed wondering if tonight he was going to give me some attention..he also had a few affairs to which i turned a blind eye many times, thinking i was just imagining it. I eventually left him after getting so fed up of being so lonely and unloved. My 13 years of my ex has left me with no self confidence, feelings of insecurity and jealousy. This is now all affecting my current marriage. My husband knows about what my ex was like with me, and he reassured me he was nothing like that, he was different, but i caught him looking at porn on the net one day and made his life hell.I have also been left not being able to watch movies, tv progs that have sex scenes or scenes with nude women in them, as it makes me feel fat and ugly and my husband would rather have them than me. He constantly reassures me this is not the case. As you can imagine my husband is getting fed up with me, i am fed up with myself, i dont like being like this. Even if we go out with friends for a drink i am constantly watching my husband to see which woman he is looking at.

I have got to the stage where i think my husband will leave me, and i am so scared. I dont want to be like this, and i think its all down to how my ex treated me for 13 + years. I am considering seeing a counsellor.

Can anyone give me some advice or ?? i just want some help, before my husband can take no more.

[Tony T]

Get an appointment with a counsellor TODAY!!! If your husband is not addicted to porn and doesn't look at it often on the Internet, your fears are totally unfounded. There's no healthy man alive, even priests, who don't enjoy taking a peek at naked ladies now and then.

 

It is just plain cruel to be judging your husband and framing your behavior towards him based on the conduct of your ex. You have total power to stop it NOW but if you need the assistance of a counsellor get it NOW before you create such an unhealthy atmosphere in your relationship that your worst fears will come to pass.

 

Since you are on medication and obviously under the care of a physician or psychiatrist, any counselling you get should be coordinated with your doctor and the two should work together. Your counsellor will need the details of your depression and other medical data that might affect your behavior.

[zingy]

debbie, you are not alone with this problem. i also had a major problem with jealousy for years and years on end due to boyfriends of the past looking at other women and openly commenting about their physiques.

 

they would think how insecure i was to be hurt or jealous by their remarks and of course the relationships would end due to my insecurities, never due to his/their looking and comments, it was always me made out to be the bad guy.

 

i wont go into a lot of detail but my ex was also into porn but hid it from me, but also cheated on me and was arrested for indecent exposure.

 

it took me years to even trust again. what finally helped me was my current fiancee of five years. he wants to get married now but i am not feeling ready yet for other reasons.

 

but he had threatened to leave me if i did not get help. so i finally dragged myself begrudingly to a counselor, who was also the counselor at the clinic where i went.

 

we talked at lenght about my past, my jealousy and my insecurity and she came to the conclusion that i had a hint of obsessive compulsive disorder.

 

not the type that makes you wash your hands a hundred times a day or turn things on and off but more of a thinking type of obsession.

 

she talked me into trying some celexa for a trial period to see if it would help along with some counseling with her.

 

i have to tell you what a huge difference the pills alone made!

since i could only see her twice a month the majority of my treatment fell upon the celexa and within a few short weeks i could fee a sense of self returning.

 

i am still on it to this day at 20 mgs and i feel so wonderful about the way i feel, i still have a lot of issue but i was able to overcome a lot of my jealousy and insecurity by the celexa alone because i did not obsess about what he was doing or where he was or who he was with, and i did that ALOT!

 

my advice to really give the meds a good try and try the counseling.

 

it sounds like you have nothing to lose. i still have problems, (see my other posts if you doubt me) LOL.

 

but being so insecure with my boyfriend is not one that i have to deal with on a daily basis anymore.

 

i actually trust him now that i trust myself, now that i have some self-esteem now that i know the world wont end if things don't work out between us but that i want them too.

 

good luck and i hope if you give the meds a try that you give the enough time to really kick in.

[ZINGY]

another thing you may want to do is enroll in an exercise program or even just do some exercise tape at home doing some aerobics/cardio.

 

to me that is theeee best form of self-esteem booster. i myself have lost 22 since october. very slow going with up's and downs and stalls and plauteau but it is so worth it all in the end.

 

i've even lowered my cholesterol from a year ago when it was 216 and this april it was 146, so i did something right!

 

even if you can just do some power walking around the neighborhood.. trhow the kids in the stroller and just go, they'll love it too.

 

also watch what you eat too. stay away from refined carbs/sugars, donuts, cake's cookies.

 

try to eat healthy foods but still have a treat so you wont feel deprived.

 

 

 

good luck!

[flower]

I fully agree with Zingy about exercising to health. Start gradually. Do not proscratinate anymore, seek help by talking to professional counsellors. You are very lucky to have a great man in your second marriage so put in your best effort!