affected?

[yes]

Hola!

 

I'm wondering how something that's been going on while i was growing has/could've affected me, - i think i should be conscious of this because it may be causing me discomfort now.

 

The story:

Back in school, i was forced to do well by my parents - I did well out of fear (too long to describe the details). Moreover, there were a bunch of guys who were smarter than me, and i was _always_ compared to them - i was in constant trembling over being "second best quality" compared to these boys. (Now I'm thinking if I only relaxed i could've done as well as them!)

 

At the same time, my family lavished me with gifts, etc - and i always felt guilty in the sense that i didn't deserve what they gave me.

 

Occasionally, I stayed with my uncle, who made me re-write homework until there were no errors at all, - tears or no tears. He was especially into putting me on the spot & having me panic about giving the right answer - and while I got great satisfaction when I did get it right, I think the factor of constant stress was totally unhealthy.

 

Through all this, combined with no attention from boys until I was at least 17, I developed some complexes, I imagine. Even now, I sometimes get that panicy fear of being asked something & being unable to answer correctly, being told "shame on you"...

 

Even now, when I tell my parents I'm going to go out because exams are over a week away, they say "are you SURE your exams won't be a disaster, then?" (Grr, thanks for your confidence!)

 

At the same time, they (family) sometimes have bursts of praising about how wonderful I am; oh, and they also tell me i have low self-esteem (hence the praising??).

 

I don't know - perhaps I would've done worse in everything without all this stepping on my pride's heels. But when I have my own kids, I hope to push them ahead with better methods...

 

Anyway, back to my question: when I think back about all this, it doesn't sound healthy at all. I wonder what complexes I developed (of course you cant tell exactly, so - COULD've developed), and how I can possibly control them.

 

thanks,

-yes

[moimeme]

You could have lousy self-esteem. You could get really rebellious. You could turn into a perfectionist, yourself, and then become as demanding of others as you family has been of you.

 

Or, you could be fine. If you aren't behaving in a way that troubles others or yourself, then I'd say you don't have anything to worry about. The definition of mental disorders includes the stipulation that whatever you have has to impede your life. If you find your life is fine and you're happy with it, I wouldn't go looking for problems you may not have.

 

"If you ain't broke, don't fix you".

[HokeyReligions]

I remember things like that too. I was pushed/punished thru school. I got to a point where no matter what, I KNEW in my heart I was never going to be as good as the others (there was a group that I was compared to as well) and instead of really learning anything, fear of giving a wrong answer led me to short-term memorization and gave me great acting skills.

 

Inside I was in turmoil, but outside I looked like I knew what I was doing. I got the constant hollow praise too - some counselor said the family should "bolster my spririt" because I had low self-esteem. No one realized that all that rubber-band "You are Great, you are wonderful, why did you get that wrong" emotional roller-coaster they had me on just made matters worse. It's like dieting - the more you diet, the more you gain the next time.

 

I always felt like a second (or third) class person in school. When highschool was over I rushed into the job market and didn't go to college until 15 years after HS graduation! By then I had some counseling and life experience and was a totally different person. My attitude changed because I didn't have such low self-esteem then, and because I was paying my own way thru college.

 

I wished that my family would have listened to me when I tried to tell them how I felt and instead of pushing me to fit into an A-student mold, they encouraged me in the areas that I enjoyed and stood by me in the areas I hated by helping me without just telling me "you can do it, you're smart" all the time. It made me feel like if I didn't understand something, then I must not be smart, hence 'stupid' and another block in the low self-esteem wall. I didn't know how to express that to my parents back then.

 

I told my kids I would help them and we would figure these things out, and/or ask the teacher for some extra tutoring because we all have subjects that we don't catch onto sometimes, and I assured them that I understood. If their work was messy I would make them re-write it and the more of that they did, the less messy the next project was.

[yes]

thanks for the replies. i suppose i needed to complain about it more than anything else ...

 

Hokey, sounds SO familiar:

"... and instead of really learning anything, fear of giving a wrong answer led me to short-term memorization and gave me great acting skills.

 

Inside I was in turmoil, but outside I looked like I knew what I was doing."

 

I only started to think that way in college - that the point is to learn, not just to get the right answer.

 

-yes