How to overcome fear of trying new things?

[dgiirl]

I dont know exactly where to post this, but since I suffer from anxiety, i thought this would be the best place to put it.

 

I love my comfort zone and I have a huge fear of trying new things. But I know these things are not healthy for me and I try to overcome them whenever I can. Two years ago I had reached the ultimate bottom in my anxiety. I was petrified of doing just simple mundane things like asking the grocier to cut a loaf of bread, or asking the teller at the bank to pay a bill. Over the last two years, I've done some things I've never been able to do by myself. I've driven to Boston by myself in my own car. I've flown down south for a business trip by myself. I drove in a car with a friend of a friend, yet still a complete stranger, for 6 hours. I even went camping with 12 strangers and one friend. These were such huge things for me to overcome and I always felt like chickening out before going. I constantly come up with these crazy scenarios about how I'm risking my safety. I think I get this from my dad because he constantly warns me about the dangers of the world.

 

Anyways, I've recently got into the hobby of photography and I met a local online group that get's together once in a while. I've never met any of them and am really scared/nervous/paranoid about going to meet up with them. They are having a social gathering this weekend at a pub and I'm so paranoid about going by myself to a pub to meet a bunch of strangers. My mind races over all the bad things that could happen from feeling stupid because I'm a noob to the hobby to having someone stalk me when I leave. I need to get involved in a new hobby because my social life is pretty lacking, but every time I think about joining anything, I become paralyzed with fear. It takes me a really long time to work up the courage to try something new.

 

I have this vision of who I'd love to be. A fun loving social butterfly with no worries in the world, and then I look at who I really am and I'm no where close. I'm uptight, scared, nervous, shy girl until I get comfortable. And even then, I still suffer from doubts about myself and how people perceive me. I have real trouble socializing with people. I never know what to say and would rather be the third person listening in on a conversation between two other people than contribute anything myself. I'm very comfortable just being quiet and listening.

 

This past weekend I went out with a new friend. I had invited him and two other friends to join me to an event. The other friends had declined, but I was surprised and excited he wanted to go. But I constantly doubted myself because of past experiences with an ex who constantly critized things I enjoyed doing. So I was fearful he was thinking the same things other people have told me in the past. Also, I was fairly quiet the whole day too. I was comfortable, it wasnt any awkward silences, atleast not for me, but then I once again feared I wasnt being social enough due to past experiences of an ex complaining that I'm not social enough.

 

Anyways, I think I'm going off topic. The point is, I want to go to this pub, but I'm petrified of going. I dont know how to introduce myself to complete strangers and keep a conversation going. I'm scared i'll go there and not see the group and feel like an idiot and leave (I've had this happen before). I'm scared I'll be followed home. And so on and so on.

[lovelorcet]

I really do understand how you feel...

 

You have to learn how to kick yourself in the butt and out of your comfort-zone. Try to make it a point to remember how much fun doing new things were and that it felt good. Try not to spend all your time thinking about the bad stuff. Most of it isn't real anyways...

 

Good luck and have fun with the new photo people

[Guest]

I constantly come up with these crazy scenarios about how I'm risking my safety.

 

My mind races over all the bad things that could happen from feeling stupid because I'm a noob to the hobby to having someone stalk me when I leave. I need to get involved in a new hobby because my social life is pretty lacking, but every time I think about joining anything, I become paralyzed with fear. It takes me a really long time to work up the courage to try something new.

 

Do what John Nash (the hero in A Beautiful Mind) did. He is schizophrenic. He battles the schizophrenia by keeping uppermost in his mind that the hallucinations are not real. When fears assail you, imagine they are the same sort of fabrications that a schizophrenic's hallucinations are and ignore them. Let them rattle on in your mind but regard them the way you'd regard an amusing but batty aunt who's prattling away in the next room.

 

You have to get your mind off yourself. When you're with people, refuse to allow yourself to stand apart as an observer 'oh, did I say the right thing?' and LISTEN to the other person instead.

 

A lot of people who are shy, insecure, etc. spend all their time thinking about themselves. It's a very bad habit and it's not healthy. And I should think it would be horridly boring.

[InsanityImpaired]

I was comfortable, it wasnt any awkward silences, atleast not for me, but then I once again feared I wasnt being social enough due to past experiences of an ex complaining that I'm not social enough.

Do not forget that this person is NOT your ex. And try to convince yourself that you have no reason to assume that this person is just like this ex, waiting for an opportunity to put you down. Not all men want to have conversation 24/7. Perhaps this friend is one of them? Did you ask whether or not this friend thought he had a good time?

 

Anyways, I think I'm going off topic. The point is, I want to go to this pub, but I'm petrified of going. I dont know how to introduce myself to complete strangers and keep a conversation going. I'm scared i'll go there and not see the group and feel like an idiot and leave (I've had this happen before).

Of course it will be a bit strange, as you have not met any of them in real life. But these people share a hobby, namely photography, and not pulling pranks on people. It is a social gathering, so it is not exactly the case that quantum physics or the reproductive cycle of some exotic South-American snail will be discussed ad nauseum.

 

None of these people are this ex of yours. None of them have the sole intention of screwing you over. It is hard to convince yourself of that, given what happened with your ex. But by discovering that people are not like your ex, you will overcome this anxiety.

 

How would you feel, if you did go and had a good time?

 

The hard part is gathering the courage to go to the gathering. A hobby can be a wonderful thing, if you can share it with like minded people. I sincerely hope you can overcome the fear, and go to this gathering, and meet some interesting new people, dgiirl

[Craig]

Do at least one thing, every day, that elicits a fear response in you. Start small, get some confidence and you'll find yourself working up to things that used to cause you greater fear. After you have done the thing that caused you fear, celebrate your success, congratulate yourself on having pushed yourself to overcome your fear.

 

Don't go out and put yourself into situations where there is real danger present, work on the situations where you have a perception of danger or a fear that you know is baseless.

 

Eventually the fear will be gone and replaced with a positive emotion or the fear will be humongously diminished.

 

Google feel the fear and do it anyway, no quotes. It's a book by Susan Jeffers and the Google search will give you a few other sites that may be helpful. The book has been around for a long time so any new or used book store in your area will have it.

[laRubiaBonita]

can you bring a friend along to the pub with you?

 

it is nice to have some supportive and trusted people with you when you are trying new things, whether it be going out or hang-gliding.

 

try not to think to much about and disect everything..... in reality things usually do not play out as they do in your head. go in with a positive attitude, and these "new" people do not really know you, so be the social butterfly you want, they will never know it was soo hard for you.

 

when i go out and mingle, i try to ask quetions so that whom ever i am asking will really talk.... none of these simple yes and no's, and people generally love talking about themselves.

[Moai]

First of all, remember that YOU RULE!!!! Look at all the other things that you have been able to accomplish. The fact that you are a person challenging herself and making the effort to live the life she wants is so awesome, you should be so proud of yourself. I am proud of you, for sure!

 

As far as going to the pub goes, it is no big deal. I know it seems like it is, but consciously try to focus on the fact that it is an everyday thing.

 

Nobody is going to stalk you. And the fact that you are a beginner will make it easier for you to interact, not harder. People love to share what they know, especially about things they are passionate about. It's a win-win for you, right there. Also, because it is a public place, weirdness will be to a minimum, as all the other people will be trying to act as normal as possible also.

 

I think that going to this will get you even closer to where you want to be, y'know? Nothing but good can come of it. When I go to things like that I find that there are a couple people I have more in common with than just photography (or whatever activity) and my social network grows. Very cool.

 

Make yourself go, and when you get there relax, stay cool, and let your personality shine through--like you do here. Everyone will love you and you'll have a great time. Forgone conclusion. Good luck!

 

I really want to hear how it goes when it is over, k?

[dgiirl]

You all rock Thanks guys!

 

You have to learn how to kick yourself in the butt and out of your comfort-zone. Try to make it a point to remember how much fun doing new things were and that it felt good. Try not to spend all your time thinking about the bad stuff. Most of it isn't real anyways...

 

This is indeed true and I try to focus on this. I do feel proud of the things I've been able to achieve, but at the same time, some crazy things DID happen that causes my anxiety to leap. Trip to Boston I got pulled into customs and had to talk to the gaurd for 30 mins answering a ton of questions. Trip to south, sat next to a really scary american who loves guns and wouldnt stop talking, and then going through the security check, my bag got scanned and marked carrying explosivies. I got taken to the side and got patted down I already went to one of these photography meets (didnt have the courage to talk to anyone) but ended up at a drug rehab hospital with patients totally out of it and walking around like zombies. Crazy ass stuff! I laugh about it now, and during it, i was kinda calm and collected, with minor nervousness, but heck, during my pre-event anxiety attacks I never thought of any of those things happening! So it kinda reinforces my reasons for anxiety when trying new things.

 

 

Do not forget that this person is NOT your ex. And try to convince yourself that you have no reason to assume that this person is just like this ex, waiting for an opportunity to put you down. Not all men want to have conversation 24/7. Perhaps this friend is one of them? Did you ask whether or not this friend thought he had a good time?

 

I did indeed ask him. In fact, I told him that I had a great time and thanked him for joining and he said he had a good time. However, my ex had a tendancy to lie and say everything was good too. So I'm completely screwed now by not knowing when people are telling the truth or not.

 

Of course it will be a bit strange, as you have not met any of them in real life. But these people share a hobby, namely photography, and not pulling pranks on people. It is a social gathering, so it is not exactly the case that quantum physics or the reproductive cycle of some exotic South-American snail will be discussed ad nauseum.

 

It's the fact that it IS a social gathering that makes me nervous. Having to speak to people, introduce myself and talk. On top of it, i'm not a drinker, so going to a pub has always been intimidating to me. People constantly ask if I want a drink and some are not content with me just having soda.

 

How would you feel, if you did go and had a good time?

 

I know I would feel disappointed in myself if I dont go. But at the same time, it's hard to overcome the fear.

 

Google feel the fear and do it anyway, no quotes. It's a book by Susan Jeffers and the Google search will give you a few other sites that may be helpful. The book has been around for a long time so any new or used book store in your area will have it.

 

Thanks! I'm definitely going to check out this book! Over the past 2 years I have challenged myself quite a lot. I use to fear taking pictures, wondering if people are looking at me wondering why i'm taking pictures. So everytime I'm out with my camera, I tend to challenge my anxiety a little at a time. I fear taking pictures in front of friends. But I'm starting to challenge myself in this area too.

 

Challenging oneself is exhausting tho.

 

can you bring a friend along to the pub with you?

 

This is my other problem. 1) I use to rely too much on friends going with me to places. I would never do anything on my own. 2) Now, I fear my friends think it's lame because this is what I was conditioned to feel in my past relationship. I'm always surprised when my friends want to do the things I want to do. I could ask, I'm tempted to ask, but I think that's just my escapism. I know if someone comes with me, I wouldnt be forced to talk to anyone new.

 

 

First of all, remember that YOU RULE!!!! Look at all the other things that you have been able to accomplish. The fact that you are a person challenging herself and making the effort to live the life she wants is so awesome, you should be so proud of yourself. I am proud of you, for sure!

 

Thanks Moai! I do honestly try but at the same time, my anxiety normally wins. I wish I knew how to control these thoughts.

 

Make yourself go, and when you get there relax, stay cool, and let your personality shine through--like you do here. Everyone will love you and you'll have a great time. Forgone conclusion. Good luck!

 

I really want to hear how it goes when it is over, k?

 

I knew if I posted this, I'd be forced to go. Hopefully I wont forget about it the day of the event lol I really really am going to try and go. They are a fairly active group, so worse case scenario, I'll just show up at their next meet. But I'm going to try to overcome my fear this time around. I just wish I knew someone there instead of absolutely noone.

 

Does anyone have any actual experience on controlling the thoughts in the first place? These thoughts can become pretty paralyzing, and although I do my best to challenge myself, I become very exhausted after the fact. And my thoughts can jump from one scenario to another in a blink of an eye and I can come up with hundreds of different reasons not to do something. I hate coming up with excuses but it seems to be a conditioned response that I'd love to break.

[Moai]

Does anyone have any actual experience on controlling the thoughts in the first place? These thoughts can become pretty paralyzing, and although I do my best to challenge myself, I become very exhausted after the fact. And my thoughts can jump from one scenario to another in a blink of an eye and I can come up with hundreds of different reasons not to do something. I hate coming up with excuses but it seems to be a conditioned response that I'd love to break.

 

I don't think that I have ever been anxious the way you describe, but I always found that the first step to controlling the thoughts is to act as if you don't have them.

 

I think, too, that everyone is anxious at some level about new things--especially new social things. I know that when I was first meeting my girlfriend's family I was anxious about it and I felt weird most of the time, but now I feel like aprt of the family and everything is awesome. I used to be that way about parties, too, but now I don't even think about it. It always ends up that I meet some cool people and have a blast, so I don't have any anxiety over it anymore.

 

The same will happen for you, too. Once you actually go and see that what you are thinking has nothing to do with the reality you won't be anxious anymore--or at least way less so.

 

I am sure that the people in the club were nervous before their first time, and now they are in the swing of it all, and you will be too. Be honest about being a beginner, and honest about how enthusiastic you are about photography and all, and they will absolutely LOVE you. Think about that more than what can go wrong--which is nothing, really, and so what if it does? If you drop a drink or spill something or whatever, just laugh about it! It happens to everyone, and people really do try their best to make others comfortable.

 

Again, have fun!

[monkey00]

I used to be a shy, quiet, introvert guy back in the day.

 

Fake it till you make it!

All I can say is get out there, make friends or have friends who can introduce you to new activities/hobbies...even if that includes them introducing you to their social circle. You'll eventually be expanding yours with their help, and when you're ready on your own 2 feet...you can expand it by yourself.

 

I think a good portion of the population suffers from some form of social anxiety or another. The worst thing you can do is retreat back into hiding, the more you do it the more it reinforces bad habits.

 

Im not a girl, i dont know what kind of insecurites girls normally experience. In relation to your pub thing, I've always had the opportunity to meet up local people (strangers) from around the city to play soccer with, everytime it would be different people...and so far nothing bad has ever happened as i wouldnt expect it to.

 

Unless otherwise you start having doubts after going there once, I think it would be best to give the benefit of the doubt in most new social settings.

The worst thing is to be self-conscious in these situations. Just relax, have a good time, introduce yourself and start talking...dont OD on the drinking. Just remember that everyone is there for the same reason you are, you're not alone.

[dgiirl]

eeeeeeeeeeeek, k i'm about to go out the door... i reread this thread and it's giving me courage to go.

[laRubiaBonita]

eeeeeeeeeeeek, k i'm about to go out the door... i reread this thread and it's giving me courage to go.

 

soooo.... how was it? you are back online now.

[dgiirl]

It was good but i was still nervous and shy and awkward. But the people were very friendly and introduced themselves to me. Maybe i'll be more comfortable the next outing I did make a new friend tho! Which was pretty cool She's already inviting me out to other outings.

[Yamaha]

People are only strangers until you say hello. You need to realize that other people feel the same as you so you be the one to make that move and say hello and then you are no longer strangers.

[dgiirl]

I just tend to freeze. The way the room was arranged, two dining tables and then a sofa area. Well, I ended up arriving latish (DOH, not on purpose) so all the tables were full and the room was pretty full and i knew not a single person. So i was really nervous having all these faces stare at me as i enter the room. Anyways, some new people arrived at the same time and the organizer came up to talk to us. He offered the sofa's for us to sit on, thus I sat down. And I pretty much sat there the whole night. Although with a small group of guys and one girl. But then they'd randomly go mingle and talk camera talk. A few guys did come up and introduced themselves to me, which made me happy, but they were really into photography and I knew nothing, so it was hard for us to relate. And I just froze most of the time not knowing what to say, just smiling and trying my best to hold a conversation. This is why i hate these things. It's not that I dont realize it's not uncomfortable for others. I do realize that and that's part of the problem. But I find it extremely difficult to just go up to a stranger who might be talking to others and interrupt them, plus not having anything to interrupt them with. I just sit there, and then ppl think i'm pissed. $%^$^% *sigh* i hope they didnt think I was pissed. Maybe they didnt this time. There were a few guys who I smiled across the room to who returned the smile so that made my night *sigh* I cant sleep now... worrying too much about things that dont matter.

[magichands]

There were a few guys who I smiled across the room to who returned the smile so that made my night

It seems the is with you. Very well done!

 

And now try using paragraphs.

[dgiirl]

lol i see a mod modified your post mc I wonder what you really said

 

Sorry for the lack of paragraphs. I guess I tend to not use them when i'm rambling.

[Guest]

but they were really into photography and I knew nothing

 

When you don't know what to say, don't say things. ASK things. It only takes a few good questions to get a conversation going. But you have to shut off the 'inner observer'.

 

But I find it extremely difficult to just go up to a stranger who might be talking to others and interrupt them, plus not having anything to interrupt them with.

 

You don't. You wander up, listen to the conversation, and interject at an appropriate time - either by remarking when other people are or by asking a question when you have one. People think that the art of good conversation is about having things to say. It's not. It's about asking things.

[Yamaha]

Not knowing anything can work to your advantage. Most people are more than hapy to import their wisdom to you. Just tell them you are a novice and trying to learn but you don't really know what to ask. Unless they are a**holes they should be more than willing to help.

[dgiirl]

Oh my... so this group is very friendly and very active. They have things going on atleast once a week if not more. One guy's even offered to be my mentor and teach me with one of his nice cameras. And everyone's just messaging me welcome and commenting on my photos and stuff. I'm getting a little overwhelemed, but all my family/friends keep saying i need to become active and passionate about something and perhaps this is it.

[InsanityImpaired]

That sounds like a good start. Of course, it can be a bit overwhelming at first. A lot of new people, a lot of new experiences. Once you get to know the people a bit better, and get a bit more in photography, it becomes a bit less overwhelming.

 

Enjoy yourself, and the new contacts you made through photography.

[dgiirl]

Eeeek K another anxiety attack.

 

I've got my second meet tonight with the photography group. I'm actually looking forward to it. However, after talking with my Dad, he put the fear in my head again. All he has to say is "Just be careful" and he puts the doubt inside me. He never really says anything directly but I know he is not very comfortable with me doing these types of things, and yet if I confront him, he'll never acknowledge it. My exh was exactly the same way! It's scary how similar they were. Always telling me it's ok to do something, but then making me feel really uneasy taking inititive to do things.

 

Anyways, I have a suspicion my new mentor might have some interest in me. Which adds even more anxiety for me. I want to get to know him, become friends with him. But then i'm worried if i'm friendly with him, he'll get the wrong idea. But maybe he doesnt have any interest and is just being friendly? And so if i dont become friends with him, then i close an opportunity to learn more about photography. But if I become friends, and he does have a thing for me, then I might give him mixed signals. *sigh*

[InsanityImpaired]

Just go . In case confusion ensues, you can always be blunt(ly honest).

[Guest]

It sounds like your dad has helped you develop your anxieties. Did you grow up in a household where you were constantly warned about people? If so, then you've really had some bad software written to your O/S. Life isn't that scary. Check with the actuarial folks. Yes, people do encounter nut jobs but if you have an appropriate level of caution (i.e. somewhere much closer to 'relaxed' than to 'terrified constantly') you should be fine. For instance, it would be a hugely bad idea to invite someone you've just met on the street to your home.

 

OTOH, a person that is part of a group that you interact with can be a safe visitor once you've gotten to know him or her and the group for a while. That person's acceptance by the group commends them and by being part of the group yourself you have an instant group of backers so that even if the person had a bad character, he'd not try something because he'd have to face the wrath of the group.

 

So you are doing the right thing by getting to know people in the context of a group.

[dgiirl]

Thanks Guest. You actually gave me a little more confidence in going again. The thing is, I wont see my mentor only in the context of this group. We will be going out solo and he lives really close to me. But I think he's sane and harmless.

 

My dad and childhood has contributed a lot to my anxieties. Growing up in an alcoholic family, never knowing exactly what will happen, worrying about parents fighting, getting a divorce, staying up all night because of the noise, having the police called and dad hauled off to jail to sleep it off, having dad drunk every weekend/holidays/birthdays, trying to hide this from my friends. Sober, my dad's really awesome and I love him dearly. But when drunk, he's done some stupid ****. And my mom has her own issues in insecurity, neediness and manipulation. I hate trashing my parents because they really are great hard working honest loving people. But I cannot deny what has happened either. They're human right? Noone's perfect and they didnt have great role models either. I understand WHY I'm like this. I just dont know how to overwrite my programming so that my first response isnt always fear.