I'm not ugly so why do I have a hard time getting a man/keeping one?

[Hopelessromantic04]

I have accepted that I am single and I will probably be forever. Relationships have never worked out well for me. They always last 3-6 months and they guy either ends up not being able to fully commit by calling me his girlfriend, cheating on me, or leaving for whatever reason.

 

I really started to analyze myself hard. In result, I developed a mild-moderate form of body dysmorphia. I started to literally pick myself apart down to my nail cuticles. I would think, "are my cuticles so gross that I don't have a man?" It's really crazy how much I picked myself apart.

 

A little bit about me: I am 25. I am 5"10 and I am 235 lbs. I am overweight but because I am tall, when I go to the doctors they are in shock that I weigh that much. People that see me will definitely know that I am overweight, but the actual weight looks heavier than how I appear. I just look like a have a cute pudgy face like a baby and the rest of the weight is dispersed pretty evenly.

 

I look in the mirror and I think I'm pretty but since it's never validated, I believe I'm ugly and somehow my mind is tricking me to believe I'm pretty. But one time I went to a plastic surgeon because I wanted to get work done on my face and he said that he really doesn't want to touch my face because I am a pretty girl so I ended up not getting anything done.

 

My dad says I'm pretty and sometimes he looks at me in worry. He says "I just have this strange feeling you want to change yourself and you are such a beautiful girl. I'm not just saying this because I'm your dad but you really are..please don't ruin your natural beauty."

 

So if I'm so pretty, why do guys barely come up and talk to me? I see them stare but never say anything. Recently, they actually don't even look at me. Or when I'm with friends, they will talk to all the other girls but me.

 

I am not really big on the traditional standards of beauty, it's more so the character of a guy that gets me. But just for superficial purposes: I realized a lot of my past boyfriends are not traditionally "good looking".

 

I compare myself to other girls and I'm like what do they have that I don't have? Could it be my round face? Or because I'm quiet? I don't know. Girls I know that cheat on their boyfriends but they still end up proposing to them. I will literally cook dinner and rub my man's feet everyday, listen to him, comfort him when he cries, but still get dumped.

 

So I've come to the conclusion that maybe I'm so ugly that despite how much I care for my boyfriend's, they end up leaving me maybe to find a more attractive girl. I don't know. I just want a final answer so maybe I'll put my mind at rest. Thanks!!!

[d0nnivain]

Do you see any other commonalities among the men you have dated? Maybe it's time to try dating against type.

 

 

In my early 20s I was very aggressive in my approach to men; I wanted & often got the unattainable guy. Then I was bored so I'd go off to get a new BF. Even when I wanted to settle down, the guy didn't always long term. It was then that I realized it was the beginning that was the problem -- adrenaline junkies & players bore easily. So I learned to soften my approach a little & stop going after the center of attention guy. Upon doing that I was able to find more stable men.

 

 

 

 

Any chance you are being too nice / too much of a door mat with all the foot rubs? It's not to be a balance -- you do for him but you deserved to be treated too.

[RecentChange]

It's not your looks, it's your lack of confidence.

 

I am overweight, and have been really over weight in my life, yet I have never had a problem keeping boyfriends (some of which where "hot" and incredibly fit).

 

But I am gregarious, I am very easy to approach and talk to. I make eye contact, smile and talk to strangers on a daily basis.

 

I really enjoy talking to men, and tend to find common interests.

 

When a man stares what do you do? Do you make eye contact with him? Smile with your eyes and follow it with a welcoming grin? Do you keep looking back so he can see you are interested to? Do you try to make yourself completely approachable, or move closer to him?

 

Do you flirt? Do you carry yourself in a way that shows others that you know you are sexy and you know you are the cat's meow?

 

My recommendation - maybe some counseling so you can work through your body issues. Often times when you believe you are beautiful, thats when others see it too.

[coolheadal]

I have accepted that I am single and I will probably be forever. Relationships have never worked out well for me. They always last 3-6 months and they guy either ends up not being able to fully commit by calling me his girlfriend, cheating on me, or leaving for whatever reason.

 

I really started to analyze myself hard. In result, I developed a mild-moderate form of body dysmorphia. I started to literally pick myself apart down to my nail cuticles. I would think, "are my cuticles so gross that I don't have a man?" It's really crazy how much I picked myself apart.

 

A little bit about me: I am 25. I am 5"10 and I am 235 lbs. I am overweight but because I am tall, when I go to the doctors they are in shock that I weigh that much. People that see me will definitely know that I am overweight, but the actual weight looks heavier than how I appear. I just look like a have a cute pudgy face like a baby and the rest of the weight is dispersed pretty evenly.

 

I look in the mirror and I think I'm pretty but since it's never validated, I believe I'm ugly and somehow my mind is tricking me to believe I'm pretty. But one time I went to a plastic surgeon because I wanted to get work done on my face and he said that he really doesn't want to touch my face because I am a pretty girl so I ended up not getting anything done.

 

My dad says I'm pretty and sometimes he looks at me in worry. He says "I just have this strange feeling you want to change yourself and you are such a beautiful girl. I'm not just saying this because I'm your dad but you really are..please don't ruin your natural beauty."

 

So if I'm so pretty, why do guys barely come up and talk to me? I see them stare but never say anything. Recently, they actually don't even look at me. Or when I'm with friends, they will talk to all the other girls but me.

 

I am not really big on the traditional standards of beauty, it's more so the character of a guy that gets me. But just for superficial purposes: I realized a lot of my past boyfriends are not traditionally "good looking".

 

I compare myself to other girls and I'm like what do they have that I don't have? Could it be my round face? Or because I'm quiet? I don't know. Girls I know that cheat on their boyfriends but they still end up proposing to them. I will literally cook dinner and rub my man's feet everyday, listen to him, comfort him when he cries, but still get dumped.

 

So I've come to the conclusion that maybe I'm so ugly that despite how much I care for my boyfriend's, they end up leaving me maybe to find a more attractive girl. I don't know. I just want a final answer so maybe I'll put my mind at rest. Thanks!!!

 

You sound like a really nice person, but you see guys want more and maybe you not seeing that. Are you the cuddling or snuggling type? Do you like to hold hands in public?

[CptInsano]

Your physical description is rather close to one of my last girlfriends. Not exactly skinny but also tall. I considered her beautiful, but she was also very outgoing, fun and affectionate, all being part of her charm. That being said, a lot of men would not date a woman taller or heavier than themselves, and she had to find ways to make things work for her, meaning that she used her friendly, happy and bubbly personality to reach out to men.

 

I think RC's response is right on the money.

[sickubus]

I compare myself to other girls and I'm like what do they have that I don't have?

!

 

Lower standards. Just because someone has a boyfriend doesn't mean that they're happy. Lots of people put up with the " non-commitment/ verbal abuse/ other shady sh*** so they don't have to be alone.

 

Don't assume it's your looks. If you don't date guys because of their looks, you can't assume that's what they do.

 

What they do is test their limits. So, if you let them waste your time, they will. ( like any ****ty human being).

 

Don't get pushed to your limits. Don't waste another 3-6 months of your precious life on a limit pusher. The second they give you a backhanded compliment, the first time they're late, just kick them to the curb.

 

I know what you're thinking. " Oh no! There will be no men left!" no honey, there will be no "jerks " left. Once you stop wasting your time with guys like that you'll have more opportunities to meet a nice quality partners.

 

I found my current boyfriend when I was " not at my ideal weight" . We have worked through some pretty gnarly times. I feel that I only met him, after I decided that I respected myself, and would accept nothing less than what I deserved.

 

Stop thinking it's your looks that's the problem. If you wanted to you could probably get a guy tomorrow... but you're probably not gonna like what you get. Get what you deserve!

[basil67]

Doing nice things for a guy isn't enough to keep him interested. You've got to connect on emotional levels too. Have the same idea of fun. Know how to make each other laugh.

 

Given your description of how you care for a guy, I'm wondering if you have enough thoughts and opinions. I hope you're not all about giving and catering to his needs.

 

The guys who broke up with you....did you think they were a good match for you? Did you see them as the kind of guys you'd want to make a future with?

 

When it comes to being quiet, my hubby and his mates have all dumped women because they didn't have enough opinions or were like doormats. For example, the girl who can't ever say what she wants to do and just goes "I'm happy with whatever you want" will get ditched because she is a) boring and b) effectively puts all the decision making onto the guys. Likewise, if you go to a party and aren't good at socialising, you won't work out with a social guy.

 

When it comes to being asked out, do you have a welcoming face? Do you smile at strangers? Can you flirt?

[Cookiesandough]

You are focused too much on looks. In addition, you might have the female equivalent of "nice guy syndrome" in a way... You think that if are 'hawt' and nice and do everything for a guy he will like you more. Evidence actually supports people like you more when THEY invest in YOU, not the other way around. What makes them want to invest you? You're a confident, fun, good person who gets and accepts them, not insecure about your looks because you know you have way more to offer than that.

Edited September 21, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[GunslingerRoland]

I'm about a half inch taller than you, and similar in weight and I'm a pretty big guy. Just like most women want a man that is significantly taller than them, I think a large percentage of men want a woman that is smaller than them. Even if you are well proportioned you are a large woman. I don't say that to be mean, it's just a reality that you are going to be limited to a smaller subset of men than most women, even ones who aren't as pretty as you are.

 

That said, there are still a lot of men who have no problem dating a larger woman and you may need to look deeper at other aspects of yourself and see why you aren't getting more interest.

[umirano]

Looks are helpful to kick start a relationship, but they can't maintain it. That's hard work. Mostly compromises, giving in, relenting, working really hard to understand where the partner is coming from. All the not-so-sexy stuff...

[Eternal Sunshine]

Men do really care about weight. That's probably the single most important thing to them when it comes to looks. I am an inch shorter than you and weigh over 80lbs less and am still kind of big. Definitely bigger overall (height+weight) than some men. Most men love petite and small. I don't think facial plastic surgery is the way to go.

 

You can compensate the weight (to some extent) by being very extroverted, bubbly and entertaining and picking shy men to lead them and animate them. But that's the kind of a personality you need to be born with.

 

Other than that, just because most are in relationships, doesn't mean that those are good relationships. Women tend to put up with lots and lots of crappy treatment for the sake of having a boyfriend.

 

You are also still very young. Everyone I know (except for myself ) ended up finding a long term relationships/marriage eventually. Even people that struggled for a decade or more. So the odds are very much in your favor even if you change nothing.

[CupCakess]

You are probably so insecure, that you end up just doing everything your bf wants because you are afraid they will leave you. Men see this as an easily manipulted girl that just want to please them. They may end up cheating on you, knowing you won't leave them, until they get bored.

 

Your relationship isn't about you pleasing the guy, but pleasing each other.

 

The source of your insecurity is your weight. In reality, its not a big deal. And in truth, all you have to do is loose the weight.

 

When I say you can loose the weight, you really can. It takes only a few months (4 or 5) of diet and a very small amount of daily excersise (5-10 mins a day). This will improve your self-appreciation a lot. In all honesty, the hardest part is the first 2 or 3 weeks, after that once you realise you can loose weight, you will keep doing it. You can loose like 2 or 3 pounds a month, and in a couple of months you will feel much hotter.

 

I honestly recommend you make a "pause" in your dating life, commit yourself to loose the weight, and re-invent yourself.

 

I promise you, that if you do this, by next year you will look at your dating life as guys having to please you, not the other way around.

 

PS: I know a lot of "chubby" girls that are beautiful, in fact I've dated some of them; most of them have the same problem as you do, they feel unnattractive because they feel trapped in their bodies.... but there is an easy solution.

[angel.eyes]

So if I'm so pretty, why do guys barely come up and talk to me? I see them stare but never say anything. Recently, they actually don't even look at me. Or when I'm with friends, they will talk to all the other girls but me.

Are you approachable? No one is going to approach or ask you out if they think you'll bite their head off. Does your resting face have a smile? Is your facial expression open and inviting?

 

Are you easy to talk to? Are you a happy person who is outgoing, positive, funny, a little flirty? Are you easygoing? These women get lots of attention.

 

Are you somewhat feminine in your demeanor? This has nothing to do with wearing frilly dresses and having perfect manicures, cuticles, or whatever. It's more about your overall attitude. If you're one of the buds, i.e you come across as more of a bench pressing partner or someone to hang with the guys over a beer, rather than someone they want to flirt with, you aren't going to get many guys asking you out.

 

Looks matter, but not as much as you may think to having an active dating life and getting married. Most fat and morbidly obese women I know happily date and marry, often more easily than women who are thinner. Ditto for attractive vs. unattractive women. (BTW, you're not that far outside the norm in many geographies in the US. I doubt it's your weight holding you back.)

 

In terms of holding on to a boyfriend, I suspect your low self-esteem is getting in the way. Others have already provided good advice on this.

 

You're 25. Don't be so harsh on yourself. Keep the faith. You'll meet a great guy. It just takes time, patience, and practice.

[Eternal Sunshine]

It wasn't until I watched a video of myself that I realized I had a resting b*itch face

[road]

It wasn't until I watched a video of myself that I realized I had a resting b*itch face

 

Translate?

[road]

So I will say as pointed out you need to start

dating different types of men

 

 

I can overlook a lot of things in a woman.

I can find a woman attractive whether

she wears a 32 A bra or 36 D.

 

I would prefer a woman to be shorter than

me but could be with a woman my height

or even a taller one.

 

Thing is I can not overlook and ignore that

a woman is overweight. This is something

that you can work on.

 

Also I find the longer the hair a woman's

attractiveness increases.

 

So eat healthy, exercise, skip the barber.

Then go after a new type of man.

[introverted1]

Translate?

 

I have RBF, too.

 

It's when your natural face in repose looks angry, sullen.

[Miss Peach]

My first thought was to work on your self esteem and what a healthy relationship looks like. I personally found Natalie Lue's blog called baggage Reclaim very helpful for learning this.

 

My suspicion it's between your lack of self esteem (which makes you come across as a doormat who can be toyed with) and the types of men you're choosing.

 

For attractiveness, there's a lid for every pot. Funny thing is I probably got more men when I was a little heavier than when I was really skinny. I believe attitude and being approachable are huge in attracting men.

[Steve51]

Try asking a past partner. Many times others view us differently than we view ourselves. It has been proven in many studies that people think they are better than they really are until given the same tasks as others and can measure their success against the others. Even then, people tend to minimize their failure and finding reasons why the others are better.

 

Almost every person I fired told me that they thought that they were the best worker in the company. Surely we do not fire our best workers. There are women and men out there who think they are hot when the rest of us think not. My sense of humor is often seen as sarcastic and not as I intended it. I thought I was just not bad to look at and yet I found out later that girls thought I was hot. Wish I knew that back then. My point is that we are not good judges about who we are and how others perceive us.

 

Sometimes a therapist can help. I saw a Psychologist at one time and learned a lot about myself. Things I never saw in myself that she saw. She diagnosed me with a Machiavellian personality which is often seen as manipulating people to get them to do as I want them to do for my benefit. She said it was so strong that despite her knowing it, she found herself being manipulated by me and could not help it. I viewed it as arranging things so that I would benefit by giving others a benefit for helping me. Seems that even though a person got something they never would have received if they did not do as I guided them to do, they resented that I got more than they did. I saw it as them getting something they never would have gotten at all.

 

Just a few examples of how we can view ourselves one way while others view us differently. You need to find a way to take a realistic view of yourself. Not saying you have to change if you do not want to. However, by having a realistic view of yourself you are better armed to seek those that are a better fit for you than maybe the people you are currently attracted to.

 

It took me awhile to figure out the type of girl who was a good match for me, and when I did that, I got engaged to her 3 weeks after we met. She was not the type of girl I was usually drawn to. She was a virgin at 19 and unlike the girls I dated. It was instant love and it took a year of combat living with a lot of men and facing death daily to get a realistic view of myself and not who I thought I was. We are married 45 years.

[dichotomy]

My wife is 5'11 and her weight has varied.. I would say while single it was in the 200-220. She carries weight mainly in her belly,waist/rear rather than her face. She has a pretty face and is approachable. However she became very outgoing and fearless after being shy and reserved. During her dating/wild time she had no problem getting dates (or sex) involved with guys of all sizes.

 

However only a few expressed interest in LTR's - I would meanly say these were the kind of reserved geeky guys she dated that wanted a LTR.

 

The others (mostly good looking or outgoing guys) wanted shorter term or wanted to settle into FWB/FBs.

 

25 is till young enough that many people are still shopping and not committing to long term. I would say work on your spirit, confidence, and social skills.

 

However it seems that long term committed relationships are not the "in thing" these days for younger (up to 30) folks in the USA.

[Fair]

I hate to say it but being pretty and too good of a person can be a handicap of it's own. You're not the only pretty girl who is sitting alone on weekends wondering why. It's one of those unfair, ironic facts of life.

 

The media does a lot to perpetuate the stereotype of the pretty one being the b**** you can't trust, vacuous and vain... it influences people more than you realize and has direct consequences for all of us IRL.

[Fair]

Try asking a past partner. Many times others view us differently than we view ourselves. It has been proven in many studies that people think they are better than they really are until given the same tasks as others and can measure their success against the others. Even then, people tend to minimize their failure and finding reasons why the others are better.

 

Almost every person I fired told me that they thought that they were the best worker in the company. Surely we do not fire our best workers. There are women and men out there who think they are hot when the rest of us think not. My sense of humor is often seen as sarcastic and not as I intended it. I thought I was just not bad to look at and yet I found out later that girls thought I was hot. Wish I knew that back then. My point is that we are not good judges about who we are and how others perceive us.

 

Sometimes a therapist can help. I saw a Psychologist at one time and learned a lot about myself. Things I never saw in myself that she saw. She diagnosed me with a Machiavellian personality which is often seen as manipulating people to get them to do as I want them to do for my benefit. She said it was so strong that despite her knowing it, she found herself being manipulated by me and could not help it. I viewed it as arranging things so that I would benefit by giving others a benefit for helping me. Seems that even though a person got something they never would have received if they did not do as I guided them to do, they resented that I got more than they did. I saw it as them getting something they never would have gotten at all.

 

Just a few examples of how we can view ourselves one way while others view us differently. You need to find a way to take a realistic view of yourself. Not saying you have to change if you do not want to. However, by having a realistic view of yourself you are better armed to seek those that are a better fit for you than maybe the people you are currently attracted to.

 

It took me awhile to figure out the type of girl who was a good match for me, and when I did that, I got engaged to her 3 weeks after we met. She was not the type of girl I was usually drawn to. She was a virgin at 19 and unlike the girls I dated. It was instant love and it took a year of combat living with a lot of men and facing death daily to get a realistic view of myself and not who I thought I was. We are married 45 years.

 

This is very interesting and very true. It's very hard to see ourselves clearly, and accurately, isn't it? Yet even at that, others opinions of us are also just opinions... not necessarily facts... we're all looking for a road map to steer us through life... we'll never get one.

[BlueIvy]

Looks have nothing to do with it. You probably do come off as intimidating because of your height/stature. But not ALL men like short or skinny women. In fact, most women in America are overweight and short. Every guy isn't going to get the "hot girl" I have seen overweight women snag attractive men who love them. And I know women with "hot bodies" who get used for sex or money.

 

You do attract attention so clearly some men do find you attractive. You just haven't been the right man yet, which is hard for most women regardless of looks. You should try do hang out in different areas, take different hobbies or even try online dating. Also, smile more, it can make all the difference!

 

And you sound very nice. I suggest reserving that for men who are worth it and show that they care and respect you. Don't be very nice to all men or even most.

 

Also, IDK if you care about IR dating but many Black/Latino/Arab men like bigger women. I noticed white men tend to prefer skinny women. I am generalizing but that's just what I notice.

 

Also, you shouldn't date until you are more secure in yourself. Men can sniff that out and some will try to use you because of that. If weight is a big thing, try to work out and eat cleaner. Get a gym membership and see a dietician.

[BlueIvy]

So I will say as pointed out you need to start

dating different types of men

 

 

I can overlook a lot of things in a woman.

I can find a woman attractive whether

she wears a 32 A bra or 36 D.

 

I would prefer a woman to be shorter than

me but could be with a woman my height

or even a taller one.

 

Thing is I can not overlook and ignore that

a woman is overweight. This is something

that you can work on.

 

Also I find the longer the hair a woman's

attractiveness increases.

 

So eat healthy, exercise, skip the barber.

Then go after a new type of man.

 

That is you. There are PLENTY of men who like bigger woman. Some men can overlook a overweight woman. Most Americans are overweight,lol. Also, most men do like long hair but some men don't care about that stuff.

 

Looks can only go so far and will not sustain a relationship.

[Blanco]

OP, how do you physically feel most of the time?

 

I know body acceptance is important, but I'm the same height as you and have always carried more weight than you'd think to look at me. A few years ago, I basically stopped exercising and ate like crap for about a year, jumping up to the low 240s.

 

Forget the superficial aspects: I FELT physically awful on the inside. Tired, cranky, sore. It wasn't fun, aside from the times before and during eating junk food.

 

It might be unpopular to say, but I think you should make some sensible dietary changes and maybe get some more physical activity. When I'm doing this, I just feel better and have a much more positive mindset.