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I'm not ugly so why do I have a hard time getting a man/keeping one?


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Old 20th September 2017, 7:41 AM   #1
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I'm not ugly so why do I have a hard time getting a man/keeping one?

I have accepted that I am single and I will probably be forever. Relationships have never worked out well for me. They always last 3-6 months and they guy either ends up not being able to fully commit by calling me his girlfriend, cheating on me, or leaving for whatever reason.

I really started to analyze myself hard. In result, I developed a mild-moderate form of body dysmorphia. I started to literally pick myself apart down to my nail cuticles. I would think, "are my cuticles so gross that I don't have a man?" It's really crazy how much I picked myself apart.

A little bit about me: I am 25. I am 5"10 and I am 235 lbs. I am overweight but because I am tall, when I go to the doctors they are in shock that I weigh that much. People that see me will definitely know that I am overweight, but the actual weight looks heavier than how I appear. I just look like a have a cute pudgy face like a baby and the rest of the weight is dispersed pretty evenly.

I look in the mirror and I think I'm pretty but since it's never validated, I believe I'm ugly and somehow my mind is tricking me to believe I'm pretty. But one time I went to a plastic surgeon because I wanted to get work done on my face and he said that he really doesn't want to touch my face because I am a pretty girl so I ended up not getting anything done.

My dad says I'm pretty and sometimes he looks at me in worry. He says "I just have this strange feeling you want to change yourself and you are such a beautiful girl. I'm not just saying this because I'm your dad but you really are..please don't ruin your natural beauty."

So if I'm so pretty, why do guys barely come up and talk to me? I see them stare but never say anything. Recently, they actually don't even look at me. Or when I'm with friends, they will talk to all the other girls but me.

I am not really big on the traditional standards of beauty, it's more so the character of a guy that gets me. But just for superficial purposes: I realized a lot of my past boyfriends are not traditionally "good looking".

I compare myself to other girls and I'm like what do they have that I don't have? Could it be my round face? Or because I'm quiet? I don't know. Girls I know that cheat on their boyfriends but they still end up proposing to them. I will literally cook dinner and rub my man's feet everyday, listen to him, comfort him when he cries, but still get dumped.

So I've come to the conclusion that maybe I'm so ugly that despite how much I care for my boyfriend's, they end up leaving me maybe to find a more attractive girl. I don't know. I just want a final answer so maybe I'll put my mind at rest. Thanks!!!
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Old 20th September 2017, 10:32 AM   #2
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Do you see any other commonalities among the men you have dated? Maybe it's time to try dating against type.


In my early 20s I was very aggressive in my approach to men; I wanted & often got the unattainable guy. Then I was bored so I'd go off to get a new BF. Even when I wanted to settle down, the guy didn't always long term. It was then that I realized it was the beginning that was the problem -- adrenaline junkies & players bore easily. So I learned to soften my approach a little & stop going after the center of attention guy. Upon doing that I was able to find more stable men.




Any chance you are being too nice / too much of a door mat with all the foot rubs? It's not to be a balance -- you do for him but you deserved to be treated too.
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Old 20th September 2017, 10:43 AM   #3
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It's not your looks, it's your lack of confidence.

I am overweight, and have been really over weight in my life, yet I have never had a problem keeping boyfriends (some of which where "hot" and incredibly fit).

But I am gregarious, I am very easy to approach and talk to. I make eye contact, smile and talk to strangers on a daily basis.

I really enjoy talking to men, and tend to find common interests.

When a man stares what do you do? Do you make eye contact with him? Smile with your eyes and follow it with a welcoming grin? Do you keep looking back so he can see you are interested to? Do you try to make yourself completely approachable, or move closer to him?

Do you flirt? Do you carry yourself in a way that shows others that you know you are sexy and you know you are the cat's meow?

My recommendation - maybe some counseling so you can work through your body issues. Often times when you believe you are beautiful, thats when others see it too.
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Old 20th September 2017, 10:57 AM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopelessromantic04 View Post
I have accepted that I am single and I will probably be forever. Relationships have never worked out well for me. They always last 3-6 months and they guy either ends up not being able to fully commit by calling me his girlfriend, cheating on me, or leaving for whatever reason.

I really started to analyze myself hard. In result, I developed a mild-moderate form of body dysmorphia. I started to literally pick myself apart down to my nail cuticles. I would think, "are my cuticles so gross that I don't have a man?" It's really crazy how much I picked myself apart.

A little bit about me: I am 25. I am 5"10 and I am 235 lbs. I am overweight but because I am tall, when I go to the doctors they are in shock that I weigh that much. People that see me will definitely know that I am overweight, but the actual weight looks heavier than how I appear. I just look like a have a cute pudgy face like a baby and the rest of the weight is dispersed pretty evenly.

I look in the mirror and I think I'm pretty but since it's never validated, I believe I'm ugly and somehow my mind is tricking me to believe I'm pretty. But one time I went to a plastic surgeon because I wanted to get work done on my face and he said that he really doesn't want to touch my face because I am a pretty girl so I ended up not getting anything done.

My dad says I'm pretty and sometimes he looks at me in worry. He says "I just have this strange feeling you want to change yourself and you are such a beautiful girl. I'm not just saying this because I'm your dad but you really are..please don't ruin your natural beauty."

So if I'm so pretty, why do guys barely come up and talk to me? I see them stare but never say anything. Recently, they actually don't even look at me. Or when I'm with friends, they will talk to all the other girls but me.

I am not really big on the traditional standards of beauty, it's more so the character of a guy that gets me. But just for superficial purposes: I realized a lot of my past boyfriends are not traditionally "good looking".

I compare myself to other girls and I'm like what do they have that I don't have? Could it be my round face? Or because I'm quiet? I don't know. Girls I know that cheat on their boyfriends but they still end up proposing to them. I will literally cook dinner and rub my man's feet everyday, listen to him, comfort him when he cries, but still get dumped.

So I've come to the conclusion that maybe I'm so ugly that despite how much I care for my boyfriend's, they end up leaving me maybe to find a more attractive girl. I don't know. I just want a final answer so maybe I'll put my mind at rest. Thanks!!!
You sound like a really nice person, but you see guys want more and maybe you not seeing that. Are you the cuddling or snuggling type? Do you like to hold hands in public?
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Old 20th September 2017, 11:09 AM   #5
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Your physical description is rather close to one of my last girlfriends. Not exactly skinny but also tall. I considered her beautiful, but she was also very outgoing, fun and affectionate, all being part of her charm. That being said, a lot of men would not date a woman taller or heavier than themselves, and she had to find ways to make things work for her, meaning that she used her friendly, happy and bubbly personality to reach out to men.

I think RC's response is right on the money.
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Old 20th September 2017, 4:55 PM   #6
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Girl...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Hopelessromantic04 View Post
I compare myself to other girls and I'm like what do they have that I don't have?
!
Lower standards. Just because someone has a boyfriend doesn't mean that they're happy. Lots of people put up with the " non-commitment/ verbal abuse/ other shady sh*** so they don't have to be alone.

Don't assume it's your looks. If you don't date guys because of their looks, you can't assume that's what they do.

What they do is test their limits. So, if you let them waste your time, they will. ( like any ****ty human being).

Don't get pushed to your limits. Don't waste another 3-6 months of your precious life on a limit pusher. The second they give you a backhanded compliment, the first time they're late, just kick them to the curb.

I know what you're thinking. " Oh no! There will be no men left!" no honey, there will be no "jerks " left. Once you stop wasting your time with guys like that you'll have more opportunities to meet a nice quality partners.

I found my current boyfriend when I was " not at my ideal weight" . We have worked through some pretty gnarly times. I feel that I only met him, after I decided that I respected myself, and would accept nothing less than what I deserved.

Stop thinking it's your looks that's the problem. If you wanted to you could probably get a guy tomorrow... but you're probably not gonna like what you get. Get what you deserve!
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Old 20th September 2017, 5:26 PM   #7
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Doing nice things for a guy isn't enough to keep him interested. You've got to connect on emotional levels too. Have the same idea of fun. Know how to make each other laugh.

Given your description of how you care for a guy, I'm wondering if you have enough thoughts and opinions. I hope you're not all about giving and catering to his needs.

The guys who broke up with you....did you think they were a good match for you? Did you see them as the kind of guys you'd want to make a future with?

When it comes to being quiet, my hubby and his mates have all dumped women because they didn't have enough opinions or were like doormats. For example, the girl who can't ever say what she wants to do and just goes "I'm happy with whatever you want" will get ditched because she is a) boring and b) effectively puts all the decision making onto the guys. Likewise, if you go to a party and aren't good at socialising, you won't work out with a social guy.

When it comes to being asked out, do you have a welcoming face? Do you smile at strangers? Can you flirt?
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Old 20th September 2017, 10:23 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by basil67 View Post
Doing nice things for a guy isn't enough to keep him interested. You've got to connect on emotional levels too. Have the same idea of fun. Know how to make each other laugh.

Given your description of how you care for a guy, I'm wondering if you have enough thoughts and opinions. I hope you're not all about giving and catering to his needs.

The guys who broke up with you....did you think they were a good match for you? Did you see them as the kind of guys you'd want to make a future with?

When it comes to being quiet, my hubby and his mates have all dumped women because they didn't have enough opinions or were like doormats. For example, the girl who can't ever say what she wants to do and just goes "I'm happy with whatever you want" will get ditched because she is a) boring and b) effectively puts all the decision making onto the guys. Likewise, if you go to a party and aren't good at socialising, you won't work out with a social guy.

When it comes to being asked out, do you have a welcoming face? Do you smile at strangers? Can you flirt?
I think this is the best advice so far. I have met women like you describe here and it is infinitely irritating. Relationships are all about connections. Have to find ways to make connections with people.

You want to do well with men? Pick up some male-oriented hobbies. Get yourself a Playstation and start playing video games. Head down to your local hobby/gaming/comic book shop and check things out there. Find a group of people playing pretty much anything and try to get interested. Maybe ask someone to teach you. That crowd of guys will make you feel right at home and they are all dying to meet a girl who will do nerdy things with them.
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Old 21st September 2017, 5:17 AM   #9
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You are focused too much on looks. In addition, you might have the female equivalent of "nice guy syndrome" in a way... You think that if are 'hawt' and nice and do everything for a guy he will like you more. Evidence actually supports people like you more when THEY invest in YOU, not the other way around. What makes them want to invest you? You're a confident, fun, good person who gets and accepts them, not insecure about your looks because you know you have way more to offer than that.

Last edited by Cookiesandough; 21st September 2017 at 5:19 AM..
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Old 21st September 2017, 3:18 PM   #10
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I'm about a half inch taller than you, and similar in weight and I'm a pretty big guy. Just like most women want a man that is significantly taller than them, I think a large percentage of men want a woman that is smaller than them. Even if you are well proportioned you are a large woman. I don't say that to be mean, it's just a reality that you are going to be limited to a smaller subset of men than most women, even ones who aren't as pretty as you are.

That said, there are still a lot of men who have no problem dating a larger woman and you may need to look deeper at other aspects of yourself and see why you aren't getting more interest.
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Old 21st September 2017, 6:15 PM   #11
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Looks are helpful to kick start a relationship, but they can't maintain it. That's hard work. Mostly compromises, giving in, relenting, working really hard to understand where the partner is coming from. All the not-so-sexy stuff...
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Old 23rd September 2017, 5:24 PM   #12
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Men do really care about weight. That's probably the single most important thing to them when it comes to looks. I am an inch shorter than you and weigh over 80lbs less and am still kind of big. Definitely bigger overall (height+weight) than some men. Most men love petite and small. I don't think facial plastic surgery is the way to go.

You can compensate the weight (to some extent) by being very extroverted, bubbly and entertaining and picking shy men to lead them and animate them. But that's the kind of a personality you need to be born with.

Other than that, just because most are in relationships, doesn't mean that those are good relationships. Women tend to put up with lots and lots of crappy treatment for the sake of having a boyfriend.

You are also still very young. Everyone I know (except for myself ) ended up finding a long term relationships/marriage eventually. Even people that struggled for a decade or more. So the odds are very much in your favor even if you change nothing.
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Old 23rd September 2017, 9:39 PM   #13
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You are probably so insecure, that you end up just doing everything your bf wants because you are afraid they will leave you. Men see this as an easily manipulted girl that just want to please them. They may end up cheating on you, knowing you won't leave them, until they get bored.

Your relationship isn't about you pleasing the guy, but pleasing each other.

The source of your insecurity is your weight. In reality, its not a big deal. And in truth, all you have to do is loose the weight.

When I say you can loose the weight, you really can. It takes only a few months (4 or 5) of diet and a very small amount of daily excersise (5-10 mins a day). This will improve your self-appreciation a lot. In all honesty, the hardest part is the first 2 or 3 weeks, after that once you realise you can loose weight, you will keep doing it. You can loose like 2 or 3 pounds a month, and in a couple of months you will feel much hotter.

I honestly recommend you make a "pause" in your dating life, commit yourself to loose the weight, and re-invent yourself.

I promise you, that if you do this, by next year you will look at your dating life as guys having to please you, not the other way around.

PS: I know a lot of "chubby" girls that are beautiful, in fact I've dated some of them; most of them have the same problem as you do, they feel unnattractive because they feel trapped in their bodies.... but there is an easy solution.
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Old 23rd September 2017, 11:14 PM   #14
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Originally Posted by Hopelessromantic04 View Post
So if I'm so pretty, why do guys barely come up and talk to me? I see them stare but never say anything. Recently, they actually don't even look at me. Or when I'm with friends, they will talk to all the other girls but me.
Are you approachable? No one is going to approach or ask you out if they think you'll bite their head off. Does your resting face have a smile? Is your facial expression open and inviting?

Are you easy to talk to? Are you a happy person who is outgoing, positive, funny, a little flirty? Are you easygoing? These women get lots of attention.

Are you somewhat feminine in your demeanor? This has nothing to do with wearing frilly dresses and having perfect manicures, cuticles, or whatever. It's more about your overall attitude. If you're one of the buds, i.e you come across as more of a bench pressing partner or someone to hang with the guys over a beer, rather than someone they want to flirt with, you aren't going to get many guys asking you out.

Looks matter, but not as much as you may think to having an active dating life and getting married. Most fat and morbidly obese women I know happily date and marry, often more easily than women who are thinner. Ditto for attractive vs. unattractive women. (BTW, you're not that far outside the norm in many geographies in the US. I doubt it's your weight holding you back.)

In terms of holding on to a boyfriend, I suspect your low self-esteem is getting in the way. Others have already provided good advice on this.

You're 25. Don't be so harsh on yourself. Keep the faith. You'll meet a great guy. It just takes time, patience, and practice.
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Old 24th September 2017, 1:51 AM   #15
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It wasn't until I watched a video of myself that I realized I had a resting b*itch face
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