husband drug problem, son dx with cancer, his family shutting door-need of support

[tootired]

I have some problems. I need some support. Can only go into little details right now.

Son has cancer. He has a better chance of dying then of living. He is only 9. I have been married for one yr but have been with the guy for 7. We have a 3 yr old. My husband has drug problems cocaine and pot and god only knows what else. I want a divorce. Can not handle the cancer and the drugs. His family is supporting him. They know he has used cocaine. Several months ago found bloody mucus all over the bathroom and I do mean all over the bathroom. The SOB could not even use a kleenex. I know it came from the nose I heard him doing it. My son was dx with the cancer in may of this year.

Am I wrong in wanting a divorce? His family is shutting the door and me and my two kids. Is that normal. I am not the one with the drug problem. I think my husband has other problems. Several years ago, I caught him wearing my g-string under ware out in public they were a size 6. Yesterday I found a size 5 g strings that were not mine shoved down in a clean sock. He said it came with the porn mags he had.

No financial help, no emotional support and drugs.

I have been dealing with the drug problem for awhile originally found out about cocaine use 3yrs ago. Apparently it has been going on anywhere for 7-10 yrs I am too tired to continue believing his lies. That he is done with it and no more. I have got to stay focused on my son.

He has taken cocaine for payments on jobs (he had his own auto body shop) money has disappeared ya know how this goes. This time he says he is done with it but he blames others for his problem. He said that he had to escape me and others. He was trying to do everything for everybody bla bla bla. I refuse to take the chance one more time. Something is going to happen.

I am hurt by his family. They know about the drugs yet they say I should stay with him. What is wrong with these people.

[sburtug03]

I am so sorry for you and your son and I am in no postition to understand the absolute nightmare you are facing. As you have already noted you have to leave your selfish husband out of this and concentrate on you and your son. He must check himself into a centre and out of your lives as he is only causing the two of you more pain. If he recuperates then and only then, should you take him back. You and your son definately need counselling and this should be provided by your doctor if you are unsure as to how to get it. Both of you need help comming to terms with your sons illness and the only way is professional help. Do not feel guilty for leaving your husband, you could not be doing anything better. My thoughts are with you, Samantha x

[guest]

get your kids and your self out. Do you have any family on your side? If not, contact your area women's shelter and the hospital where you son will undergo treatment. Also try the Shriners -- they work with the families of children with cancer too.

[New_Wife]

Addiction is a family disease. Each member has it's own role to play, like an orchestra really, in order to continue. It's sick, and it's twisted, and it's all too common. Most likely your husband is not the only one in his family of origin with an addiction of some sort - yes? Alcohol, overeating, another drug user? It is the family's dirty little secret & it keeps them sick, and sadly, it keeps them togther. As a cohesive "us against the world" mentality that only the addict-family can seem to imagine exists in such a twisted mess. That is why they HAVE to take his side. To do anything else would be to admit the myriad of problems. And it's much easier to focus on the addict, than to ever work on self - in that situation.

 

You are dead-on that you need to take whatever steps necessary to protect yourself and your precious children. If that is divorce, separation, whatever - you should do so with as little guilt as you can manage. I would also very strongly suggest that you get in touch with al-anon or nar-anon for the support that you're going to need through this. They are a wonderful group of people who will understand what you are dealing with like no one else can. If your own family is not near, or can't understand, I redouble my suggestion. But even if they are - you would probably still benefit from it.

 

I've got no knowledge regarding your child. In fact, to even think about putting myself in your shoes causes my stomach to twist - so I won't even try. But I know about addiction. I got clean 12/16/96.

 

Good luck.

[tootired]

Here is my situation: If I divorce him then I get no help with fund-raising, emotions, nothing. I can not live where I currently live because I can not pay the rent. Why do I have to move to the homeless shelter, he has the drug problem. (Of course now he says he doesn't which I have heard for the last 7yrs) Maybe this time its true?? I cant have any emotional support as far as my sons cancer goes. I have called welfare agencies, housing projects and there is nothing out there. I am all alone if I divorce him. I will have to move out of state to OK and live with my parents. They have an extra bedroom there are 3 of us. quit my job etc. I will end up on the street if I divorce him and so will both of my kids.

I tried calling 4 different people to tell them how I was feeling before I called him. Maybe I could give him one more try. Maybe this will be the time. There are so many emotions and most of them are bad towards him because of what he has put me and my kids thru yet.....I do not want to be married to him...I do not want to be a single mom with 2 different dads twice divorced...I do not want to face this cancer thing alone....I do not want to be homeless.......I do not want to take another chance.....what do I do

[RecordProducer]

Honey, I am so sorry for your baby, I am a mother of two sons too. You need to calm down first. No matter how impossible that seems right now you must put the despair away and concentrate on fighting the cancer. That's the only important thing in your life right now together with the younger kid.

 

Take a deep breath and start making a list of things to do. Talk to a legal advisor and find out what your options are if you get divorced. Perhaps you could benefit from living with your parents emotionally as well as financially. If your parents are good people and accept you with the children, they might be happier with their grandparents as opposed to their irresponsible father. You could also find a job there. You might visit your parents for a week or two and see how things go there.

 

There are support groups for cancer and parents with children with cancer. You can probably google them and find some in your state. What do your parents think about the whole situation? Hopefully your son gets all the medical care he needs such as chemotherapy and radiation. What kind of cancer is it?

 

Don't think about your husband's family. They as well as him are all scums and should be the last thing on your priority list to think about. It's normal that you want to divorce, it's normal that you need and want peace for your children. You're going to need a lot of stamina to endure all that waits for you. Your son has a chance to survive and you must give your best and create all the necessary conditions for him and you to fight the disease. Wish your son to recover successfully. Be strong! Repeat yourself every day that you must be strong.

[tootired]

He has had a cocaine problem for over 7 yrs off and on, he has done acid and shrooms and anything else he could get his hands on. The cocaine is what has stuck. If he has been doing it off and on for 7 yrs what are the chances that this time he is really done?

I am not a strong person and I do not think I can face the caner, raise the three year old, and get divorce. I feel sick to my stomach all the time, I don't eat, hard time sleeping on and on. How concerned should I be about the under-ware?

He stayed the night last night and I can not look at him or have him touch me. The kids were ecstatic to see him.

Could he have kicked the drug habit. Maybe he could live here and us still get divorced. As far as my parents we have had our problems. The first time my son had cancer when he was 3 months old they were not there, they have not been there a lot. This time they are trying but I honestly do not think I could live with him, it would ruin the fragile relationship we have now. As far as I am concerned they were alcoholics. Drunk most everynight. Nope lots of anger towards them.

Besides that why am I the one whose entire life has to change.

 

Maybe something is just wrong with me. Maybe everyone's behavior around me is normal and I am the abnormal one. This is one depressing situation I am in. My sister in law also suggested a support group. There is a neuroblastoma group that we all email back and fourth I have not seen any of them mention a spouses drug problem that is being faced as well as their child dying. I guess I need two different support groups.

I really do appreciate the responses, please keep them up, they seem to make me like I am not alone and what he has done is wrong and that I can not risk it one more time.

[RecordProducer]

Well you must be strong! You must find strength to fight the cancer and deal with all the problems. No one else will do it instead of you and the kids have only you and rely on you. Concentrate on your children and forget your husband's panties.

When we are falling apart and the whole world tumbles on our heads, we can still look inside and find strength to deal with our lives. You have to play with the dealt cards, you have no choice.

Is your kid getting the necessary therapy?

[New_Wife]

Tootired,

 

Don't underestimate yourself. Strength is not about doing the right thing without fear. It is not about knowing the answers or solving every problem. What strengh IS, is being scared out of your ever-loving-mind and trying your best anyway.

 

Eleanor Roosevelt (my hero) said: "Women are like tea bags. You never know how strong they are until they're in hot water."

 

Keep looking. Get a female roommate to defray costs and share a room with your kids. Get your son SSI disability assistance. Keep digging and whining and fussing until someone helps you. You only get one shot with those kids. No do-overs. What do you want them to learn from your example?

 

Good luck. If you want to post your general area, I'd be more than happy to help research options.