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Addiction & Recovery Recognizing, conquering, and coping with addictions, substance abuse & dependence.

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  • 1 Post By Mr. Lucky
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Old 23rd January 2018, 5:00 PM   #1
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 13
Red face Using our old videos...

I've seriously debated sharing this on here for weeks. I'm going to be 100% forward with this topic, and I'll be honest I'm embarrassed to do so, as well as deeply saddened I feel the need to. Any replies or insight.. I just ask that I not be condemned or made fun of, what I'm doing is difficult enough.. here goes.

My ex and I broke up in May of 2017. That's when she moved out. After 3 years of being together. We kept seeing each other in a hot and cold fashion up until November. We still texted, talked, argued, sexted and slept with each other.

December 1st she basically just gave up. Cold. Done. We had a final goodbye and we haven't spoken since. She's blocked me on all methods of communication.

So here's why I'm writing this.. I haven't let go. I miss her. So damn much that it sickens me. I've grieved and cried for weeks, faked it and gone on dates with other girls, even slept with a couple of them, but I'm still stuck on her ..she was my all. We were best friends. We lived together for over 2 years and during our relationship we made a lot of private videos and pictures. I've saved every single sext photo she's ever sent me in my cloud storage.
I use masturbation as a coping high. I'm embarrassed to say it but I need insight here so please be kind.
I'm hurting myself I know. It's one thing to watch pornography online, but I stay glued to our old videos. The worst part is... I sometimes cry after I orgasm to them. Like I said, I'm completely embarrassed.

I feel broken. I'm hurting myself and I know I'm in some weird stage of denial. She doesn't want me or miss me, and it kills me. I masturbate religiously after work and before bed. Sometimes at work and public places...its like I truly need the high to cope. I can't keep doing this..

Any thoughts on how I can break this pattern and grow into a healthier man?
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Old 23rd January 2018, 7:17 PM   #2
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Originally Posted by SouthernPine766 View Post
Any thoughts on how I can break this pattern and grow into a healthier man?
Pretty sure this isn't what you want to hear, but the first thing I'd do would be to delete/destroy the videos and sexts. A couple good reasons - it's the honorable thing to do and your current obsession with them is preventing you from moving forward.

And then I'd bury myself in something - work, hobbies and/or exercise, anything to occupy my mind and body.

Your wounds are still fresh. Not sure how continuing to pour salt in them helps you. Keep posting...

Mr. Lucky
"Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for." - Epicurus
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Old 23rd January 2018, 8:40 PM   #3
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Originally Posted by SouthernPine766 View Post
The worst part is... I sometimes cry after I orgasm to them.
In addition to what was posted above, I would be worried that
'crying after orgasm" may become normal to your brain. Do you really want to cry after you orgasm once you are with someone new?? I hate to think that this could become a habit.

I'd also hate to see you get caught at work or worse in public. Is it a sex crime to be doing that in public, where you live??
All of my posts are my opinion based on my own experiences. Feel Free to disagree with me, this rodent has thick skin.
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