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Addiction & Recovery Recognizing, conquering, and coping with addictions, substance abuse & dependence.

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Old 23rd January 2018, 5:00 PM   #1
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Red face Using our old videos...

I've seriously debated sharing this on here for weeks. I'm going to be 100% forward with this topic, and I'll be honest I'm embarrassed to do so, as well as deeply saddened I feel the need to. Any replies or insight.. I just ask that I not be condemned or made fun of, what I'm doing is difficult enough.. here goes.

My ex and I broke up in May of 2017. That's when she moved out. After 3 years of being together. We kept seeing each other in a hot and cold fashion up until November. We still texted, talked, argued, sexted and slept with each other.

December 1st she basically just gave up. Cold. Done. We had a final goodbye and we haven't spoken since. She's blocked me on all methods of communication.

So here's why I'm writing this.. I haven't let go. I miss her. So damn much that it sickens me. I've grieved and cried for weeks, faked it and gone on dates with other girls, even slept with a couple of them, but I'm still stuck on her ..she was my all. We were best friends. We lived together for over 2 years and during our relationship we made a lot of private videos and pictures. I've saved every single sext photo she's ever sent me in my cloud storage.
I use masturbation as a coping high. I'm embarrassed to say it but I need insight here so please be kind.
I'm hurting myself I know. It's one thing to watch pornography online, but I stay glued to our old videos. The worst part is... I sometimes cry after I orgasm to them. Like I said, I'm completely embarrassed.

I feel broken. I'm hurting myself and I know I'm in some weird stage of denial. She doesn't want me or miss me, and it kills me. I masturbate religiously after work and before bed. Sometimes at work and public places...its like I truly need the high to cope. I can't keep doing this..

Any thoughts on how I can break this pattern and grow into a healthier man?
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Old 23rd January 2018, 7:17 PM   #2
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Any thoughts on how I can break this pattern and grow into a healthier man?
Pretty sure this isn't what you want to hear, but the first thing I'd do would be to delete/destroy the videos and sexts. A couple good reasons - it's the honorable thing to do and your current obsession with them is preventing you from moving forward.

And then I'd bury myself in something - work, hobbies and/or exercise, anything to occupy my mind and body.

Your wounds are still fresh. Not sure how continuing to pour salt in them helps you. Keep posting...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 23rd January 2018, 8:40 PM   #3
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The worst part is... I sometimes cry after I orgasm to them.
In addition to what was posted above, I would be worried that
'crying after orgasm" may become normal to your brain. Do you really want to cry after you orgasm once you are with someone new?? I hate to think that this could become a habit.

I'd also hate to see you get caught at work or worse in public. Is it a sex crime to be doing that in public, where you live??
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