Love Addiction

[AndreaItalian]

Hello everybody,

 

I think it's time for me to open my self up and try to heal for good.

I suffer from love addiction. I love too much my partners and I become sort of needy. I'm an insecure person. This is mainly due to the fact that I'm not a particular attractive guy and i suffered a lot being alone during my teenage years.

 

Whenever i started a relationship to me it felt like magic, like the movies

than after some time my partner always leave.

 

It is so painful to see people you love go away from your life. I feel miserable and depressed. This should be the time i focus on my self but i can't find any stimulus to do anything.

 

When i was in love i was so energetic and happy.

 

Now the only thought i have is tha the cure for my pain is another love.

 

But it's never been easy for me to attract women. Never easy to start a relationship. It always happened out of luck.

 

I'm scared to death i won't find anyone. i'm scared if i find someone it's not going to last.

 

It is so frustratring because everybody around me seems to have relationshio all figure out

[Eight]

First of all, if you spend some time reading these forums you will see pretty quickly that almost NO ONE has relationships figured out.

 

Second, relationships that you persue tend to start out feeling like the movies. That's a chemical response in your brain. Yes, you are energetic and happy. It's like being high all the time. It's biology. It also doesn't last. Eventully it goes away and you are left with reality. At this point, maybe the two year mark or so, people usually either break up or continue on.

 

You first need to be happy being alone, with yourself. Once you can love who you are, you will attract someone who also loves you for who you are. Don't be "scared to death." Being in a relationship is not the be all end all to life. There's a lot of the world out there and being "in love" is only one part of life's many experiences.

 

When you stop looking you'll find what you are looking for.

 

One last thing. I have a neighbor who most wouldnt consider conventionally attractive. He's extrememly overweight, smokes, is disheveled looking most of the time, not fashionable at all. Yet the first time I met him, there was a confidence about him that actually negated all of the physical attributes. He was charming and confident and sure of himself. I've seen him meet an attractive woman at a cafe and within an hour they are leaving together. So don't say you aren't attractive. It's what's on the inside that matters the most. Truly.

 

Best wishes.

[submart]

The best medication for you is to build yourself esteem while you are single. Make an appointment to see a clinical psychologist.

 

Other ways to build you self-esteem:

1. Exercise

2. Eat healthy

3. Use positive self-talk

4. Advance in your career or go to school

5. Accomplish a goal any goal.

[SpecialJ]

Have you ever heard of anxious attachment style? It sounds like what you describe... you can google it and also talk to a therapist about ways to overcome it (called moving from an "insecure" attachment style to a "secure" one). It's something addressable in most people!

[Nothingtolose]

Have you ever heard of anxious attachment style? It sounds like what you describe... you can google it and also talk to a therapist about ways to overcome it (called moving from an "insecure" attachment style to a "secure" one). It's something addressable in most people!

 

Was going to say that! It's also a problem that often people with anxious attachment style are naturally drawn to people with avoidant attachment style, which in turn causes them to be even more anxious.

 

OP, I highly recommend reading about this. You can take a test here: Compatibility Quiz | Attached the Book

 

I have anxious attachment style as well, and always ended up attracted to and in relationships with avoidants, which ended up making me even more anxious - always needing reassurance from my partner, worried sick if they took longer to reply to my messages etc...the difference is I often tried to play it cool and not let on how anxious I truly felt, but it's an awful way to feel.

 

I remember the first year with my ex, I'd have trouble concentrating at work sometimes if I hadn't heard from him that day...if I sent a message and he took a few hours to reply, I kept obsessively checking my phone, and started worrying that I might have said the wrong thing etc. I only relaxed after we moved in together, because I knew that even if I didn't hear from him all day, that I'd still see him at home, he couldn't just "disappear"...however, if he went out and didn't let me know what time he'd be home, the anxiety was back. If he messaged me at least once while out, to let me know he was fine and would be home around X time, then I was totally fine - it was not hearing from him that made me panic, almost if I felt like he may never come back again.

 

I found out this was called "abandonment issues" and likely stemmed from my mum dying while I was still a baby and my dad leaving me with my grandparents to raise me. I had to suffer these traumatic separations while my brain was still developing, which caused me to have intense fear of being abandoned by the people I love. I did a lot of counselling, read a lot of books, meditation etc, to improve my confidence and self-esteem, and I've come a long way.

 

I've also learned it's important for people with anxious attachment style to avoid people with avoidant attachment style like the plague, as they bring out the worst in us, but when we're with a partner with a more secure attachment style, we feel finally at ease and able to relax, which in turn makes us more secure too