GF is an alcoholic

[BetrayedH]

I do plenty of it, too. I suppose we enable one another. I'd be the worst AA sponsor.

 

I can go long periods without it. I'd prefer that, actually. Personally, I'm more of a binge guy. Once I start, I'll generally be the last one up. But if I'm honest, I handle my liquor pretty well. No one that knows me would say I've got an alcohol issue. I'm mostly mentioning it in the interest of full disclosure; I'm not here to throw stones from my glass house.

 

My GF can't go without, at least not for long. It used to be fun to drink together but for the last year or so, she just becomes a different (and very angry, insulting) person. She somewhat commonly blacks out and doesn't remember. It's happened more times than I can count. She's thrown things at me several times.

 

I have made ultimatums, stood up for myself, been forgiving and understanding... I feel like I've tried everything. I insisted on no drinking for six months. We did well until the holidays when it's almost unavoidable and socially awkward not to participate, so I gave us a pass.

 

It's fair to say that she's become resentful of me throughout the whole ordeal. My tolerance has waned. I've developed resentment of my own.

 

She would say our arguments have to do with other things. She's in hardcore denial.

 

I think one or both of us would call it quits but we've lived together for about 3 years now. We've tried to blend two families. I have two kids from a previous marriage and so does she. If this relationship fails, I'm not sure I could bring another woman around my kids. They don't deserve the upheaval. They already survived my divorce and have thrived despite it.

 

Logistically, it's also difficult to make a break. We rent a 5-bedroom home together so the kids don't have to share. She owes me a lot of money and I don't expect she'd repay it if we broke up. And I can't afford this place solo. We have a lease until mid-April.

 

I'm really at a loss. I'm sure I share some blame in things. I've tried to own that but it hasn't solved anything. And her alcoholism remains. I no longer think I can do anything about it. My line in the sand has been when it impacts my children but that is crossed occassionally.

 

She won't do AA. She also despises couples counseling; I think she'd rather part than go through that. AA is also not a good fit for me (I'm not religious and just not in the same category as most of the attendees). I looked into Al-Anon and it meets on a night that I have my kids and just can't be there.

 

Any words of wisdom from the peanut gallery here? I feel pretty stuck.

[angel.eyes]

So sorry to hear this. How old are the four kids?

 

If she refuses AA or couples counseling, your choices are limited. AA might be useful for you even if she won't attend. You don't have to be a black-out alcoholic or religious to attend. (One of your comments about why you drank during the holidays caught my eye. Lots of people will drink something non-alcoholic in a drinking setting. Nothing awkward about that.)

 

Anyway, the other options would be to look at Al Anon in nearby towns and/or individual counseling to help you deal with the situation and your feelings.

[BetrayedH]

So sorry to hear this. How old are the four kids?

 

If she refuses AA or couples counseling, your choices are limited. AA might be useful for you even if she won't attend. You don't have to be a black-out alcoholic or religious to attend. (One of your comments about why you drank during the holidays caught my eye. Lots of people will drink something non-alcoholic in a drinking setting. Nothing awkward about that.)

 

Anyway, the other options would be to look at Al Anon in nearby towns and/or individual counseling to help you deal with the situation and your feelings.

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

My kids are 14 and 10. Hers are 16 and 13.

 

I have attended a few AA meetings. I'm just sorry to say that that it didn't seem to fit with me and the pressure to admit that I was powerless over alcohol and needed to submit my life to a higher power simply didn't resonate with me.

 

You are right that we could have abstained through the holidays. At the time, we had successfully gone 3 months without alcohol. It seemed that we had turned a corner. But really, she just couldn't have been happier that the break was over. I've never really dealt with alcoholism before. I enjoy being a social drinker. But that's just not the way it is with her. It is a coping mechanism and it's her coping mechanisn of choice. I'm not sure she'll ever really embrace letting it go. I'm addicted to smoking so I kinda "get it." But the daily need for alcohol is just so damaging to everything and everyone. My empathy is counter-productive.

 

I suppose I should look for another Al-Anon meeting. I was so discouraged when I found the meeting in our area was on Thursday nights. It's just impossible. I should look again; perhaps something is within distance on another night.

 

I wish I knew what else to do. I suppose I just need to quit altogether. It's so tough. She asks me to buy her wine. She'll buy my liquor of choice without even asking when I run low.

 

I should be clear. She's not a bad person. She's a very caring and kind person and has been there with me through some difficult times. She just becomes a different person when she drinks. I don't like that person and she's decided I'm "mean." I'd like to salvage things. I don't know if I can. And I don't even know what to do if I can't. Sigh.

[angel.eyes]

Fair enough. AA wasn't your cup of tea.

 

I understand she's not a bad person. You've posted about her many times, so I was sad to see this development.

 

As I see it, there are two parts to this:

• What do you do now (to cope)
  
• How do you resolve this in the long-term before it gets completely out of hand and has a lasting impact on your kids.
  

 

#1

Besides IC locally and Al Anon in other towns, you could check with a social worker to see what other support groups exist for partners of alcoholics.

 

#2

In order for change to happen, she needs to want to change. She's in denial and has no reason to admit she has a problem. Unfortunately, change often doesn't happen until the person hits rock bottom. That won't happen as long as she's living with you and has social structure and support.

 

Since things are unlikely to change, I would start laying the groundwork to separate households in the spring, preferably without alerting the kids. Would your current landlord let you extend your lease until May or June? It would be nice to let the kids complete the school year before they move. If not, then Spring Break would be the other option for a move.

 

In terms of change, the kids will probably be better off with the change than with a home situation that gets increasingly nasty and resentful should you attempt to stay together beyond the spring. Sadly, relationships sometimes run their course.

[BetrayedH]

Fair enough. AA wasn't your cup of tea.

 

I understand she's not a bad person. You've posted about her many times, so I was sad to see this development.

 

As I see it, there are two parts to this:

• What do you do now (to cope)
  
• How do you resolve this in the long-term before it gets completely out of hand and has a lasting impact on your kids.
  

 

#1

Besides IC locally and Al Anon in other towns, you could check with a social worker to see what other support groups exist for partners of alcoholics.

 

#2

In order for change to happen, she needs to want to change. She's in denial and has no reason to admit she has a problem. Unfortunately, change often doesn't happen until the person hits rock bottom. That won't happen as long as she's living with you and has social structure and support.

 

Since things are unlikely to change, I would start laying the groundwork to separate households in the spring, preferably without alerting the kids. Would your current landlord let you extend your lease until May or June? It would be nice to let the kids complete the school year before they move. If not, then Spring Break would be the other option for a move.

 

In terms of change, the kids will probably be better off with the change than with a home situation that gets increasingly nasty and resentful should you attempt to stay together beyond the spring. Sadly, relationships sometimes run their course.

 

Forgive the unintended pun, but it was very sobering to read your perspective on a spring move. I'm afraid that's where my logical mind has gone as well - deal with the situation until Spring and then go my own direction.

 

That feel so scummy (if my planning is done surrupticiously).

 

I'm afraid that if I make it known that I'm done, she'll just bolt. I think she might just leave and move in with a friend.

 

Even if she did stay, how would we live together through six months of holidays and such? I think an in-house separation, of sorts, might be best but, what an awful scenario.

 

I suppose I only have myself to blame for this mess. I latched onto someone after my divorce. My good intentions weren't enough.

 

For what it's worth, I appreciate your balanced and thoughtful approach. Thank you.

[angel.eyes]

I'm glad you found my advice helpful.

 

In your shoes, I probably wouldn't let her know just yet that you're leaving in the spring. It seems scummy, but it's not fair to your kids (or hers) to spend the entire school year in limbo and emotional turmoil. If she were a stable partner, you could discuss it with her and have a plan. But she isn't.

 

As you state (and I suspected when responding earlier), she'll do what's best for her (not the kids involved) and bolt as soon as she finds out.

 

BTW, don't beat yourself up. It was a good/reasonable relationship for three years. Part of dating is getting to know the other person. It's a progressive process. Some issues don't become apparent as deal breakers until you've spent quite a bit of time with the other person, as happened with you.

[BetrayedH]

I'm glad you found my advice helpful.

 

In your shoes, I probably wouldn't let her know just yet that you're leaving in the spring. It seems scummy, but it's not fair to your kids (or hers) to spend the entire school year in limbo and emotional turmoil. If she were a stable partner, you could discuss it with her and have a plan. But she isn't.

 

As you state (and I suspected when responding earlier), she'll do what's best for her (not the kids involved) and bolt as soon as she finds out.

 

BTW, don't beat yourself up. It was a good/reasonable relationship for three years. Part of dating is getting to know the other person. It's a progressive process. Some issues don't become apparent as deal breakers until you've spent quite a bit of time with the other person, as happened with you.

 

I appreciate your balanced approach. It's tough not to beat myself up. I really should have given more thought to the repercussions of a break-up before moving in together. They were desperate times. I was a wreck, living in my first two-bedroom apartment after my divorce, and I suppose I was clinging to the potential of a new life with a SO in a sort of nuclear family. My GF was kinda going thru the same after her divorce. Traveling a distance to see one another was crappy when we were really connecting and joining our efforts made a lot of sense at the time. But I overlooked her depression and dependence on alcohol. Hell, I was happy to abuse it at times, too. For me, it was a temporary salve. It's more permanent for her. I don't think she can moderate.

 

It's all just sad, really. And potentially devastating from a logistical POV. I was foolish to put myself in such a financial situation. I saved us both but crippled myself. I just wish the kids didn't have to suffer from it all. My son just wants a new bedroom set, which is hard enough for me to accomplish. I could be in ruins if I'm not careful. And my ex would strike like a snake if given the opportunity.

 

So I'm left with a situation where I may need to compromise my integrity for the sake of a careful exit that best preserves my kids' future. I've rarely made such a compromise. Tough decision.

 

Thanks for being a thought-partner. I really don't want to hurt her either. In some cases, it's clear who the enemy is. This really isn't one of those.

[angel.eyes]

We make the best choices we can based on the information we have at the time. Hindsight is always 20/20 because we have more information to work with after the fact. You had no way of knowing just how deep her issues with alcohol ran. That's something you generally uncover over time.

 

If it helps, the breakup when it finally comes might be the trigger that finally prompts her to look at her relationship with alcohol. Did alcohol play a role in the breakdown of her marriage?

[S2B]

She's not likely to change. You can't (and shouldn't) control her drinking.

 

It's a problem for you. For your kids to see this example portrayed as "normal". It's a really bad example they are exposed to.

 

Since it's a problem for you - you need to change it. Go ahead and start lining up a new place for you and your kids only. You need to provide a safe haven for your kids while they are growing up. This is TOP priority!

 

Start requiring the GF to pay you back monthly. She owes you and she should be making effort to pay you back!

 

Do not ever have a gal move in with you again until the kids are grown.

 

The GF is sick. She needs help. She's not gonna get the help she needs. You can't save her. Find another al anon meeting - there's lots of them. Ask around - there's private meetings that aren't published.

 

Call the landlord. See if you can get out of the lease early. No harm in asking.

 

 

You don't owe the holidays to this gal - you owe it to your kids to keep them safe. To provide a happy home environment.

 

You've got changes to implement. Get busy. Find solutions - not roadblocks.

 

You can do it! I hope you will.

[BetrayedH]

We make the best choices we can based on the information we have at the time. Hindsight is always 20/20 because we have more information to work with after the fact. You had no way of knowing just how deep her issues with alcohol ran. That's something you generally uncover over time.

 

If it helps, the breakup when it finally comes might be the trigger that finally prompts her to look at her relationship with alcohol. Did alcohol play a role in the breakdown of her marriage?

 

Thanks. I honestly don't know how much of a factor that alcohol played in the dissolution of her marriage. She initiated it. I got the impression that alcohol was her coping mechanism with the demise of the marriage. But perhaps her alcoholism was more of a contributing factor in not really fixing things.

 

I can only hope you're right that she eventually deals with her dependency. I hate for this to be the catalyst but I know she's capable of so much more. We both are.

[BetrayedH]

She's not likely to change. You can't (and shouldn't) control her drinking.

 

It's a problem for you. For your kids to see this example portrayed as "normal". It's a really bad example they are exposed to.

 

Since it's a problem for you - you need to change it. Go ahead and start lining up a new place for you and your kids only. You need to provide a safe haven for your kids while they are growing up. This is TOP priority!

 

Start requiring the GF to pay you back monthly. She owes you and she should be making effort to pay you back!

 

Do not ever have a gal move in with you again until the kids are grown.

 

The GF is sick. She needs help. She's not gonna get the help she needs. You can't save her. Find another al anon meeting - there's lots of them. Ask around - there's private meetings that aren't published.

 

Call the landlord. See if you can get out of the lease early. No harm in asking.

 

 

You don't owe the holidays to this gal - you owe it to your kids to keep them safe. To provide a happy home environment.

 

You've got changes to implement. Get busy. Find solutions - not roadblocks.

 

You can do it! I hope you will.

 

Thanks S2B. I know this is a passionate subject for you.

 

To be clear, the stressors to my kids truly are minimal. The breakup will be far more stressful to them than if I were to stay. They've grown to be connected to her kids, very close to being family after 3 years of them all living together half the time.

 

It's all just very sad.

[BetrayedH]

She's not likely to change. You can't (and shouldn't) control her drinking.

 

It's a problem for you. For your kids to see this example portrayed as "normal". It's a really bad example they are exposed to.

 

Since it's a problem for you - you need to change it. Go ahead and start lining up a new place for you and your kids only. You need to provide a safe haven for your kids while they are growing up. This is TOP priority!

 

Start requiring the GF to pay you back monthly. She owes you and she should be making effort to pay you back!

 

Do not ever have a gal move in with you again until the kids are grown.

 

The GF is sick. She needs help. She's not gonna get the help she needs. You can't save her. Find another al anon meeting - there's lots of them. Ask around - there's private meetings that aren't published.

 

Call the landlord. See if you can get out of the lease early. No harm in asking.

 

 

You don't owe the holidays to this gal - you owe it to your kids to keep them safe. To provide a happy home environment.

 

You've got changes to implement. Get busy. Find solutions - not roadblocks.

 

You can do it! I hope you will.

 

You are right to never move in with someone again while the kids are still at home. It's unfortunate but a price I'll pay. I had hopes of marrying this woman. I won't take my kids through something like this again.

[angel.eyes]

Most children don't permanently move out until they're around 22. Putting your life on hold for ~12 years does no one any favors. Understandably, you don't want to have a revolving door of girlfriends in and out of their lives, but at the same time, you (and their mom) are their main resource when it comes to modeling adult relationships, including communication, negotiation, compromise and all the other components of healthy, mutually beneficial, satisfying relationships. Children get to witness this up close in their parents' lives. It's an important aspect of preparing them to maintain their own relationships as adults.

 

Anyway, how to manage a new relationship is a long way off. For now, the focus should be on stability and a smooth transition at the end of this school year.

[Quiet Storms]

BetrayedH, I recently came out of lurkdom but I have read many of your posts for a long time.

 

Your kids will be okay. Please do not stay with this woman for another 6 months just to get to a better date. If it's time to move on, then it is. Please don't beat yourself up. If anyone has done all they can to make it work, then it is you. But as others have said, you can't make her stop drinking.

 

That being said, I will ask you this: I know you said you gave ultimatums. But it sounds like you didn't follow through on some of them. What if you were to tell her that you are ready to end the relationship over her drinking? If she were willing to make that change given the alternative of losing you, would you be open to it? Or have you just had enough after 3 years?

 

I know that you are also probably beating yourself up over jumping into a relationship right after your divorce. Don't. As someone else said, we make the best decisions we can with the information we have at the time. Hindsight is always 20/20.

[S2B]

Most children don't permanently move out until they're around 22. Putting your life on hold for ~12 years does no one any favors. Understandably, you don't want to have a revolving door of girlfriends in and out of their lives, but at the same time, you (and their mom) are their main resource when it comes to modeling adult relationships, including communication, negotiation, compromise and all the other components of healthy, mutually beneficial, satisfying relationships. Children get to witness this up close in their parents' lives. It's an important aspect of preparing them to maintain their own relationships as adults.

 

Anyway, how to manage a new relationship is a long way off. For now, the focus should be on stability and a smooth transition at the end of this school year.

 

No suggestion about putting his life on hold - just no allowing any woman to live in the family home. He should date... Just choose wisely.

 

The family home is his environment to bond with his kids while they are still at home. Those years go by quickly.

[BetrayedH]

BetrayedH, I recently came out of lurkdom but I have read many of your posts for a long time.

 

Your kids will be okay. Please do not stay with this woman for another 6 months just to get to a better date. If it's time to move on, then it is. Please don't beat yourself up. If anyone has done all they can to make it work, then it is you. But as others have said, you can't make her stop drinking.

 

That being said, I will ask you this: I know you said you gave ultimatums. But it sounds like you didn't follow through on some of them. What if you were to tell her that you are ready to end the relationship over her drinking? If she were willing to make that change given the alternative of losing you, would you be open to it? Or have you just had enough after 3 years?

 

I know that you are also probably beating yourself up over jumping into a relationship right after your divorce. Don't. As someone else said, we make the best decisions we can with the information we have at the time. Hindsight is always 20/20.

 

Thanks.

 

As for ultimatums, I've made a few statements that it's the booze or me. She would typically stop for a while. Things would improve. She'd eventually have a rough day and ask if we could pick up a bottle of wine. I'd cave - I'm not good at this, especially since I also like to drink from time to time. That cycle has repeated itself a few times.

 

Some of our more recent arguments haven't really been due to alcohol. I think we've both got resentment that's slowly becoming contempt. It's sad, really. Neither of us are bad people and we both do care for each other immensely.

 

But this one issue might end up being the dealbreaker because it really is the elephant in the room.

 

Thanks for the supportive words. If nothing else, it does help to be heard.

[BetrayedH]

No suggestion about putting his life on hold - just no allowing any woman to live in the family home. He should date... Just choose wisely.

 

The family home is his environment to bond with his kids while they are still at home. Those years go by quickly.

 

I appreciate both perspectives. With very limited exceptions, I like for my kids to see the world as it really is - complicated and messy. There's something to be said for living my life and letting the kids see how life unfolds.

 

But I think I'm with S2B about the moving in thing. I do think that the years the kids are in the house will pass quickly. It's amazing that my son is in HS now and will be driving next year. My only concern is that I've never been a casual dater. Once I make a connection, I'm usually quick to become exclusive. With any luck, I may just stay away from women for a while.

[S2B]

Maybe you would benefit from counseling. To process what happened during the marriage, during the divorce and how to make wise decisions for your life moving forward.

 

You have a lot to process that needs to be sorted through before dating the next gal.

[BetrayedH]

Maybe you would benefit from counseling. To process what happened during the marriage, during the divorce and how to make wise decisions for your life moving forward.

 

You have a lot to process that needs to be sorted through before dating the next gal.

 

That's a fair suggestion.

 

Counseling wasn't such an effective tool for me during the whole affair thing. But that's primarily because I had an urgent need for answers, advice, and direction. Of the three counselors I saw, two simply listened and the third told me what I wanted to hear, so to speak. But none of them really had the practical advice I was depserately seeking and that's not really their role.

 

If I end up out of this relationship and on my own, that's probably a wiser time to seek counseling - when I don't have an immediate need for situational advice and can just reflect on my own issues.

[S2B]

The best decisions are made knowing full well the other person(s) won't change.

 

With that said what will you decide to do?

[BetrayedH]

The best decisions are made knowing full well the other person(s) won't change.

 

With that said what will you decide to do?

 

I'm not in a rush. At the moment I'm obligated to a lease until mid-April and don't have anywhere else to go.

 

But it's time to start saving for deposits on a new place.

[S2B]

I'm not in a rush. At the moment I'm obligated to a lease until mid-April and don't have anywhere else to go.

 

But it's time to start saving for deposits on a new place.

 

Have you asked the landlord to let you out of the lease early?

 

Any solution is better than staying and exposing your kids to her toxic drinking.

 

Look for creative solutions - not compromises that harm long term.

[BetrayedH]

Have you asked the landlord to let you out of the lease early?

 

Any solution is better than staying and exposing your kids to her toxic drinking.

 

Look for creative solutions - not compromises that harm long term.

 

Unfortunately, the rental of the house is run by a management company and they are not flexible. Leaving early simply means paying the full balance.

 

I also have to disagree that "any solution is better than staying." I only have the kids half the time and I generally manage to keep things well under control while they're here. She knows that getting drunk around the kids is a sticking point with me and so it's rare that there's an issue that involves them. I don't think my kids would even consider her as having a drinking problem as she generally doesn't get loopy until after bedtime. The reality is that if things were that "toxic," I wouldn't still be here.

 

This is not to say that I'm justifying the behavior. I'm simply saying that nothing is on fire at the moment and that I feel comfortable taking some time to make a wise decision that takes a lot of factors into consideration. I need to be able to live on a single income again. And I need rent deposits. Those are real practical considerations.

[GorillaTheater]

I wish I had advice for one of the best advice-givers here, but I don't have much to add to the good advice you've already gotten. I'm just sorry you find yourself in this situation, and about the only thing I can say is that I know you'll do the right thing and can handle the results.

[BetrayedH]

I wish I had advice for one of the best advice-givers here, but I don't have much to add to the good advice you've already gotten. I'm just sorry you find yourself in this situation, and about the only thing I can say is that I know you'll do the right thing and can handle the results.

 

Thanks GT. I'm certainly going to do my best. If it's not good enough, as you've said, I can handle the results. Been to hell and back already. Bring on v2.