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Falling Down Drunk... Why??


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I need some advice about alcoholism.

 

I have a lot of personal experience w/ addiction but my problem is stimulants, a whole different world than alcohol.

 

A close relative of mine has had problems w/ alcohol most of his adult life. By problems I mean mostly DUI's and some family trouble. He likes to drink. I do too, just not nearly as much.

 

As the saying goes, people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, so I don't try to 'preach' to him about his drinking but I do watch it and was aware that for a while he would only drink in the evening, then during the day. There were several days in a row when he was smashed before noon. He's a very private person and doesn't say much about it but I can tell he's really struggling with it.

 

It's begun to bother me because I feel there has got to be a point where the drinking for enjoyment becomes drinking to forget. I feel like he's got some private hell going on inside him and I can't help him. He stashes bottles outside and I don't usually see him drinking, he'll just stagger up any time of the day and when he tries to say something I'll realize he's hardly aware of where he's at.

 

I'm not going to do any intervention or even try to get him to stop drinking. That's his business. But I do worry about his health and even more about his motivation for drinking till he falls down. I know that sounds ridiculous, cutting back on his drinking probably isn't an option for an alcoholic.

 

What can anyone tell me about his reasons for being so excessive?

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Michelle ma Belle

Addiction rarely has anything to do with the drug of choice itself and everything to do with what a person feels they're lacking or afraid to deal with emotionally.

 

Drugs, alcohol, sex, food are all a means to an end. They're used to numb the pain, loneliness, fears, or whatever feelings that are uncomfortable to deal with. It's a way of coping albeit a very very destructive one not only to themselves but to the people around them.

 

Your suspicions that he's going through some kind of private hell might very well be accurate. Unfortunately, when it's reached this level, it can't be fixed without some serious professional help, including a desire to get better on HIS part. He's going to have to want to be better just as much as anyone else.

 

Sorry I don't have any great advice but these kinds of circumstances are often much bigger than we can handle for ourselves. As much as you may want to be there for him you need to be careful not to get sucked into his hell as well. Just watch an episode of Intervention to see how the cycle works.

 

Good luck.

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Thanks, Michelle ma Belle, I appreciate your response.

 

I know he recognizes it as a problem because he's admitted that to me before but I can't see him wanting to get better badly enough to accept professional help, unfortunately.

 

He has had some things in life that I know have affected him deeply, but then haven't we all. I think that not really feeling able to talk about personal things has got to be really damaging in a case like this.

 

Someone on LS (I don't remember who) said something to this effect once;

 

"An addiction may begin for one reason and then continue for an entirely different one."

 

That's so true, probably in most cases of addiction.

 

Thanks again for the support.

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Most addicts are anesthetizing pain. They don't want to deal with something. Or they can't deal with something so they try not to think about it.

 

You can be the person who tells them they're an alcoholic, but they may have been told before. I told a young friend of mine that and it wasn't until about 10 years later that she did anything about it, but now she's sober 25 years.

 

Not all substance users are addicts, of course. In fact, for alcohol, it's only 1 in 10. I knew a lot of casual substance abusers when young, and certainly most of them were not addicts but recreational users. But those with the gene in their family of addiction and those anesthetizing pain are much more likely to become addicted. And if it wasn't booze, it would be something else they'd lose themselves in. Good luck. They have to want to change and do it themselves with support from AA or rehab, in most cases.

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Thanks, preraph, I know most that goes on in his daily life and it's pretty mundane but his drinking will just suddenly ramp up and go out of control. It's probably something, loneliness possibly, that starts bothering him suddenly and makes him want to escape this way??

 

For example, the last two days he's been smashed early in the morning, I don't think he even sobered up overnight.

 

I wish I knew what bothers him and causes this. He's divorced and also has had cancer which caused some disfiguration.

 

I don't feel like I can talk to him about feelings, esp. something so personal and I don't even know what I could say that would help.

 

Thanks for your support, I appreciate it.

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Trauma like cancer and disfigurement will certainly do it. He probably needs to go into counseling. His self-esteem is probably rock bottom. Trouble is, some therapists won't take you until you quit using. I'm no expert but I disagree with that. You can at least try it and see if it's futile or not treating them.

 

My friend had two issues. One was her dad was an absent father, so abandonment, which has really messed her up picking men. The trigger, though, was her best friend at 14 dying in an accident.

 

I would say most people, though, the pain goes further back than a recent trauma , to something in childhood. But there's all ways I've seen it happen. I know an old acquaintance of mine in the 70s, who was no angel to begin with, went off the deep end after he had a diagnosis of possible stomach cancer, and he began using hard drugs, which coincided with him getting a new girlfriend who was already hard core. It was odd because his best friend and band mate didn't know about his diagnosis or scare or whatever it turned out to be, but the band had broken up at that same time too. Decades later I happened to mention it over dinner when his band mate/best friend was in town, and he was totally shocked and almost started crying, feeling bad for the in-fighting going on back at the time. But it was the other guy's fault for not telling his closest people. He told me, but probably only because he was on some serious painkillers and drinking on top of them out that evening.

 

Is there anything your friend can do about his disfigurement? More surgeries? Anything? That sort of thing is hard to get used to. I think it would throw just about anyone into a big depression and a self-esteem slide and some self-destruction.

 

My only recommendation would be if he has someone close that has any influence over him, like a close sibling he might be hiding this from that he loves, make sure they know. And then the other thing would be to go out of your way to invite him to go do things. If he's self-conscious, start out with things where he won't encounter too many people, a hike or a bike ride or something. And then see if you can make him start feeling more impervious to stares or whatever. And I'm only assuming it's visible. Could just be under his shirt or somewhere, but still that would make him self-conscious with women. But yes, try to keep him busy and active as much as you can and if he has a good time or two, maybe he'll do more of it and not keep spiraling downward.

 

What a sad thing. I bet if you take him to do activities enough, he might open up about it a little, and then maybe you could suggest some common sense or therapy or AA.

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mrs rubble

If he's had cancer he would have had chemo.

Chemo + alcohol abuse = liver damage.

My cousin was a cancer survivor who drank himself to death. He was only 44 years old.

Point out the danger to your friend's health. My cousin's death and my own health problems are what made me stop drinking.

My cousin was often depressed. I was also often depressed, but since I've stopped drinking my mood has lifted, drinking does not help depression at all!

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mrs rubble; I hadn't heard that about chemo and alcohol. That's a little scary! Thank you for the information.

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RedPurpleOrange

Alcohol kills anxiety (usually), kills physical pain, can boost one's sense of power, promotes freedom of thought and expression...demotes freedom of thought and expression. Alcohol can make you badass. Alcohol can make you badass when you shouldn't be. Alcohol can cause you to do things you'd never do in sobriety but always think of. Alcohol can make you grieve when you want to feel more pain. Alcohol can be occasionally fun and amazing but not every day, starting in the morning.

 

 

Alcohol is probably THE most 'wayward', unpredictable drug on the planet, and is the refuge of the lost, hurt, needy and bored.

 

 

I'll always have booze in my life but I know its ups and downs real well. Drinking on a morn/aft is a really bad habit. There will be many more problems for that guy to face soon, unless he gets it in check now.

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I lost a good friend to alcohol a few years ago.

 

I tried everything to help him, but I couldn't save him from himself.

 

In the end it was suicide by alcohol. He knew he was killing himself.

 

All I could do was be kind to him, because I new I couldn't influence his drinking.

 

Be kind, but know that you can't solve his problem.

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RedPurpleOrange

My uncle died due to alcohol. His wife was constantly pressuring him into getting a manager's position and he was grafter material, not management, a very kind, practical hardworking guy. But she nagged and nagged and he worked over and drank and got to the point where he started drinking all day, lost his job, lost his wife, ended up dying from alcoholism-related organ damage in his late 50s.

 

 

He was hiding so hard in the bottle, it took him totally. I think he got to a point where he felt like he had nothing left to live for,

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Life gets narrower and narrower, and ultimately all thats left is a person alone in a room with a bottle.

 

It's a very sad way to end to a life.

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RedPurpleOrange

It really, really is. My uncle was a good man but could never admit his feelings of inadequacy and thus sought solace in the wine first, then the cheap white cider.

 

 

I've had my ups and downs with drink in the past but it's never mastered me. It is a mystical substance, it has been with us since time began and is the ultimate Pandora's Box.

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You may have your reasons why you dont want to tell him anything.

 

But if our family or close friends are not able to tell us truth, help us, confront us,

support us, offer us help, who else will? From who we suppose to get this?

 

Sometimes you get it from a complete stranger.

But i think if you see something going on with your friend you cant close your eyes

and wait till he die from it and say i wish i did do something back then.

 

Yes, addiction often have to do with deep hurts that people have and try to survive true it by using something to make them feel better or forget the pain a moment.

 

Addiction can let you feel so lonely in your pain.

As if no one understand you. But everyone is just criticize your addiction not knowing your pain. Or have eyes for your pain.

While i think all addicts want to stop. But they often need a helping hand.

Someone that care much more then just with words and criticize.

And alot of people dont know where to start how to start what to do where to go.

 

I think you cant approach someone about their addiction, without offering them help/solution.

Thats just cruel. Thats why if you not about to do that dont open your mouth!

If you come from a place of love he will be thankful to you now or later.

 

I think there most be a center for addicts or some number you can call to ask them help and guide about how to deal with this the best way and how to have the conversation with him. and see what kind of help they can offer.

And once you got this information, have a conversation with your friend and be honest to him. And let him know that you care for him, and you may not be the one to speak about alcohol, but you worried and seen this and that. And you know he gone true alot, and maybe its good for him to atleast get one talk with people of the addiction center. And you will go with him, and about what kind of help there is and where and that you will support him all the way and why its so important.

And maybe you also can join the program and that also can be a motivation for him to go and at least listen once at the first session(if he tells you no).

He should know that there is ligth at the end of the tunnel.

 

Also can help if you pay for him first part of the sessions.If you want.

 

Knowing that often the mind wants but the body fighting against the good will.

 

Either way, have a heart to heart conversation with your friend and come with at least a phone number that he can call where they offer help.

After that dont keep tell him. Tell him once and then give him his space to take action himself.

 

Good luck.

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Thank you for your advice and support.

 

I appreciate everyones help, there's a lot of truth in what's been said. I know people are right in saying that I, as a friend, have an obligation to talk to him and help him if I can.

 

One thing that makes this situation a little different (I'm not sure if it's easier or harder) is that I have my own problems w/ addiction but it's w/ a stimulant rather than alcohol. I've had chronic heart failure for a number of years now and even tho I have one foot in the grave I still sometimes use.

 

So I feel like the pot calling the kettle black when I consider talking to him about his addiction. LOL

 

But I guess maybe that just makes what I say to him have more impact since I have some experience w/ being where he's at.

 

It seems like we're both racing to see who can kick the bucket first!

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Thank you for your advice and support.

 

I appreciate everyones help, there's a lot of truth in what's been said. I know people are right in saying that I, as a friend, have an obligation to talk to him and help him if I can.

 

One thing that makes this situation a little different (I'm not sure if it's easier or harder) is that I have my own problems w/ addiction but it's w/ a stimulant rather than alcohol. I've had chronic heart failure for a number of years now and even tho I have one foot in the grave I still sometimes use.

 

So I feel like the pot calling the kettle black when I consider talking to him about his addiction. LOL

 

But I guess maybe that just makes what I say to him have more impact since I have some experience w/ being where he's at.

 

It seems like we're both racing to see who can kick the bucket first!

 

Maybe you exactly the right person to talk to him about it.

Since you have your own experiences with it.

And it can also be a good chance maybe to go do it together.

 

And i also think that people that have been true alot often are not waiting much on people that have no life experience at all to come and tell them anything about how hard their situation may be.

 

If you feel that you really cant do this,or you not the rigth person to do it, or you start/may getting drawing into it negatively , contact someone that is close to him or his parents, and let them know your concerns. Someone need to speak to him with love but honest and support him in getting better.

 

And you dont have to be perfect to tell him your concern.

If we wait to be perfect, to tell people out of love that we care, no one could be able to speak. Because no one is perfect.

Maybe this just came to your mind, as start of something bigger for you and him!;):)

 

Ps: and let him know he ca talk to you at anytime, because at the end its the hurt that need to get health before he can leave the addiction. and also learn how to deal with hurt and so on.

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RocketQueen

I hate alcohol with a passion. It took the father of my children at the age of 40.

 

People drink for all manner of reasons, my Ex's reason was he liked the way it made him feel...by the time it became a problem it was too late. He had made many drunken mistakes, upset countless people he loved and made a fool of himself too many times to remember so then came the self loathing and the cycle went on.

 

You can reach out to your friend and point him in the right direction but he has to make the journey himself and that takes a lot of courage.

 

I have known success stories and ironically most of them have happened once the person has lost everyone they ever cared about.

 

I truly hope your friend finds his way out of this maze and that this is will also help you to never go down that road yourself.

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As I mentioned earlier in this thread, I lost a friend to alcohol a few years ago.

 

He had reached the point where he'd alienated everyone but me.

 

Nobody wanted to have any contact with him but me.

 

I found him dead in his flat. Empty vodka bottles everywhere.

 

I had to conclude his affairs, and deal with all the wreckage he left behind.

 

I did it willingly, but it was very hard.

 

When I found him, these were the words that came out of my mouth:

 

 

"You've really done it then; you killed yourself."

 

 

RIP.

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Again, thank you, everyone for your support. The time and thought put into your posts means a lot to me.

 

Cherryz, your last post mentioned that I don't have to be perfect to show him my concern. That really makes sense in my situation! I did talk to him briefly yesterday and simply let him know that I was aware that he had been "hitting it pretty hard lately" and I was concerned. He admitted that he had been. We left it at that but I felt that he truly knows that I'm there for him if he needs me.

 

RocketQueen, I think he is just about at the point of having lost everything and I can see why a person would be prompted to turn their life around there. I just hope he does before it kills him. There is probably a pretty thin line at this point between a turn for the better and death.

 

Satu, that must have been so hard for you to go thru. I'm very frightened of that happening in this case. My wife said today that she has a feeling something bad is going to happen to him, she is alarmingly accurate when she has her "gut feelings". You always have words that seem to really apply very specifically to the issue and I always appreciate your input.

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  • 4 weeks later...

I don't think I can tell you anything about the reasons. He is addicted to alcohol. It is a painkiller to a certain extent so he probably doesn't realise how he is getting hurt. All I know is that a friend of mine was an alcoholic who used to drink till he fell down and got hurt. Two wives left him, realising they couldn't stop him drinking. He gradually became disabled after falls, became ill and died recently. Unless an alcoholic decides themselves to stop drinking and seeks help, you can do nothing. The only thing you can do is to tell him he is an alcoholic who needs to seek help or it will kill him. The reason for telling him this is so that he cannot kid himself any longer that he is just having the odd drink. He might still be in denial though. Give him the contact details of AA and local health services who can help.

 

It is hard to see someone degenerate as a result of an addiction, but you can't make them seek help. They need to be self-motivated.

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  • 4 weeks later...
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Just putting an end to this thread, I posted a more thorough explanation of what happened in the off-topic section.

 

My brother, 56 years old, was laying dead on the sidewalk in front of our parents house yesterday morning when our mother went outside to get the newspaper.

 

Heart failure.

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