Jump to content

Is there anything we can do?


Recommended Posts

lilmissjava

I am usually in another forum with my own personal issues but I came here to seek some sort of advice on the following. I'll try to keep it short.

 

My son had been in a relationship with a girl for 2 years but the relationship dissolved just before the holidays this past winter. We found out she had a drug addiction, and had been seeing someone else while still with my son.

 

It was a really rough time emotionally for all involved, but the girl went on to be in an official relationship with this man (who was married, and as a result his marriage is now in the process of dissolving). Fast forward 3 months and she reached out to my son. He has been trying to be there for her, but a lot of friction during the past few months (and continued drug use) is a causal link to my son's mental and emotional health.

 

Just this past weekend, her addiction spiraled out of control to the extent where he wanted to end his own life. She then went on to go be with the other man the very same night and spent the night with him. She has been seeing both of them concurrently for the past month or so.

 

Now while perusing these forums for my own personal issues, I have learned that no contact is the only way to get up and over a painful breakup.

 

However, my question is, is no contact appropriate to do when your son's only intention is to help her because she has no one else? Her mother is a lost cause (alcohol, physical fighting with her own children etc). Her brother is 3 years younger and he is well on his way to become a product of a toxic/alcoholic environment. She lost her father in her teens and her grandmother who she was extremely close with and has never dealt with those losses. I was close with her while she was with my son, so I know a great deal of her pain concerning that, but the addiction came as a complete and utter surprise to me this past winter.

 

So, the girl has firmly stated to my son that she can fix herself and she can do it on her own. Essentially pushing anyone that wants to help her through this away. I have been reading about shame of addiction and she displays all of those traits.

 

I am concerned about my son and the pain he feels and he is very glad that he had the courage to reach out to someone when he felt he had no other choice, but he is still hurting and feeling helpless because he is worried about her. She is his best friend and he would still do anything for her. For that I am grateful, but he still wants to help her knowing that the addiction took over who she was as a person, essentially wanting to be her savior.

 

What can I advise him to do? Our family has never had to deal with a drug addiction, but we have survived much loss that includes a suicide, we sought professional help when we needed it and we continue to dialogue about things that bother us when we need to.

 

He is 25 and she is 21 and does not want to give up on her.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Sadly He is an adult with an ailment to get into check.

 

Best you can do is refer him to support groups and HIGHLY encourage him to find Healthy relationships.

 

This "former" gf needs medical guidance.

 

Have you sought support thru groups in getting advisal? Usually such ailments of this nature affect the entire family unit. As your post seems to convey.

 

Enabling an ill person to continue poor habits deters healing.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
lilmissjava
Sadly He is an adult with an ailment to get into check.

 

Best you can do is refer him to support groups and HIGHLY encourage him to find Healthy relationships.

 

This "former" gf needs medical guidance.

 

Have you sought support thru groups in getting advisal? Usually such ailments of this nature affect the entire family unit. As your post seems to convey.

 

Enabling an ill person to continue poor habits deters healing.

 

Thank you for your response Tayla, it is greatly appreciated.

 

I know time will heal his heart and I know ultimatums do not generally work with those suffering from addiction. But I also seem to think that he has an addiction to HER or at least the idea of who she was prior to everything falling apart. It was/is an abusive relationship and I will do my best to make him see that his own well being is my focus.

 

But yes, her addiction is affecting our family unit, at least my concern for him is heightened and has been since contact between them was re-established. However, we do have limited support groups in our area and that is something I would need to discuss with him.

 

Again, thank you for your suggestion.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Don't want to beat up your son here but he's operating under false pretenses. He's not out to help this girl like a sponsor or a good samaritan, he's obvs still in it bc he's emotionally (probably romantically) invested. Bc of that, his efforts will never really align w/what he'll get in return and that'll drive him crazy.

 

Best thing you can do IMO is emphatically advise him to end his part in her life and do the NC thing. She called her own shot here too in terms of cheating on your son and choosing this other guy ultimately, so she's already made her choice. We can't save the world, and very few of us can even save another person if they're determined not to be saved, and none of us can single-handedly save a drug addict. Just can't be done bc you're dealing w/circumstances (and substances) outside your control at that point. So this is a losing game for him.

 

He doesn't have to 'abandon' her bc she's already abandoned him for all intents and purposes. Any lingering use she has for him is as a temporary counselor to lean on until she gets back up and goes back to doing her thing - without him, whatever that is. He's very much temporary and disposable for her purposes ....she's shown that already.

  • Like 8
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
lilmissjava
Don't want to beat up your son here but he's operating under false pretenses. He's not out to help this girl like a sponsor or a good samaritan, he's obvs still in it bc he's emotionally (probably romantically) invested. Bc of that, his efforts will never really align w/what he'll get in return and that'll drive him crazy.

 

Best thing you can do IMO is emphatically advise him to end his part in her life and do the NC thing. She called her own shot here too in terms of cheating on your son and choosing this other guy ultimately, so she's already made her choice. We can't save the world, and very few of us can even save another person if they're determined not to be saved, and none of us can single-handedly save a drug addict. Just can't be done bc you're dealing w/circumstances (and substances) outside your control at that point. So this is a losing game for him.

 

He doesn't have to 'abandon' her bc she's already abandoned him for all intents and purposes. Any lingering use she has for him is as a temporary counselor to lean on until she gets back up and goes back to doing her thing - without him, whatever that is. He's very much temporary and disposable for her purposes ....she's shown that already.

 

Thank you for your input Jen, I really do appreciate that. I have warned him that by continuing on this quest to try and save her, that he has to be prepared for any and all outcomes, even if it isn't the one he wants, which is ultimately what he "had" with her. I tell him that that person he knew when times were good is no more and things have been said and done that cannot ever be taken back.

 

And you are right in all you say.

 

I will just continue to be there for him, but my main concern is that his mental and emotional stability is faltering as a result of the continued contact and of course, that worries me. I will try to make him see things without the love goggles on.

 

Thank you again :)

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 1 month later...
Dork Vader

I have 19 months sober from Alcohol. I can tell you with 100% certainty anything your Son does in an attempt to help this woman is only going to be enabling her continued drug use.

 

The absolute best thing he can do is cut his contact with her. She is going to have to reach bottom in order to get sober. Reaching bottom might require her having no one at all. She may never hit a bottom, her bottom could be over dosing on the drugs she is taking or long term jail.

 

Your son is putting himself in a very dangerous situation on numerous levels.

 

As for support groups I suggest he check out ALANON or NARANON. He will be able to find people who have been in similar situations as to what he is in now. They can help guide him through this process and give him tools to deal with things.

 

If it is an option I highly suggest he get a therapist going as well.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 4 weeks later...

This woman has got to want help. He can't help her unless she does want help to get off her addiction. Any other kind of help is just going to drag him into a continual spiral of failure and emotional stress. She will probably go back and forth because she knows he loves her and that she can rely on him. As long as he waits for her, she can play this dangerous game.

 

I really feel for your son because he is probably young and idealistic about what can be achieved. She is not reliable and will let him down time and time again. He should cut off all contact. Even if she gets off the drugs, there is no guarantee she won't be back on them again if she encounters stress or friends into that scene. He needs to walk away for his own sake and seek someone who doesn't have all these problems.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry to hear that you're in this very difficult situation.

 

I have something a little different to say.

 

She is addicted to drugs, your son is addicted to her.

 

Neither of them are doing anything to help themselves.

 

That means that you should do something to help yourself.

 

You should find a support group, and/or other resources, to help you cope.

 

 

Take care.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...