Food addiction

[fitnessfan365]

First let me say that my GF loves to exercise. We workout together a few times per week. We also go on hikes, etc... She also hits the gym hard a few times per week on her own. But she just can't get her eating under control. Recently at the doc's office she weighed in at almost 250lbs. This is a good 60lbs heavier than she was when I met her almost a year ago. I think this was her "rock bottom" moment because she finally broke down in front of me and for the first time ever begged me for help.

 

As a personal trainer, I am very knowledgeable when it comes to nutrition. But it's not as simple as making my GF a meal plan. She has deep seated issues with food addiction and emotional dependency since childhood. I've never had a weight problem and have always had tons of discipline with food. So I lack the empathy and understanding to properly help her.

 

I guess I've been part of the problem enabling it. I eat clean Mon-Fri. Then when we're together on weekends, I'll plan a fun dinner date out to have my cheat meal. But she recently admitted that when she has junk food on the weekend, it makes her crave/binge all week. When she was single, she was able to control it a lot better because she was never eating out. But with our numerous vacations, junk weekend meals, etc it's been taking a toll. So to try and be more supportive, I've decided to have my cheat meals on Fri nights when I am not with her. Then on weekends, cook healthy and eliminate eating out together. But what she needs for the big picture is help in dealing with the addiction and emotional issues that cause it. So is there a certain type of therapist I can recommend, a support group, etc..?

Edited February 29, 2016 by fitnessfan365

[RecentChange]

Uff, its a toughie. Food is hard, because unlike, lets say cigarettes, you can't go "cold turkey" - you HAVE to eat, so its a constant struggle with choices and moderation.

 

As for type of therapy - I think she needs to focus on the root causes, rather than the symptom (over eating). Finding a therapist she clicks with, so she can address the emotional root is a good start.

 

My sister and myself have struggled with our weight, only I spent years overweight (despite being very active like your GF), while my sister was incredibly thin and bulimic.

 

For me, the turning point was mentally accepting that I am "worth it" - despite the weight seeing myself as an attractive person somehow flipped the switch. Before I "dieted" and then fell off the wagon.... but somehow I decided I wanted to be the "best me" I could - and was able to stick with lifestyle changes.

 

Besides therapy - can you help her with grocery shopping / clearing the cupboards / restocking with healthy food etc?

 

For me, I have to remove all temptations in my house food wise. I joke how I can NEVER buy something like cookies because "I will eat them". Instead I can have an apple, or a sugar free Popsicle if I get a sweet tooth - because that is all I have available in the house.

 

And I am still able to eat out on date nights on the weekends etc - I just make healthy choices, and my BF helps by choosing places where he knows I will have options.

[fitnessfan365]

For me, the turning point was mentally accepting that I am "worth it" - despite the weight seeing myself as an attractive person somehow flipped the switch. Before I "dieted" and then fell off the wagon.... but somehow I decided I wanted to be the "best me" I could - and was able to stick with lifestyle changes.

 

Besides therapy - can you help her with grocery shopping / clearing the cupboards / restocking with healthy food etc?

.

 

I think you hit the nail on the head here. My GF even when she was at her lowest weight when she was younger, never saw herself as attractive even though people always told her she was. So when it comes to making lifestyle choices and believing in herself, she has a hard time regardless of any reassurance/compliments she gets. That's why I wish she could find a therapist that could make her feel better about herself and want to make changes for herself and not other people. I've always told her that I want her to reach her goals because it's what she wants to do for her.

 

My GF and I see each other usually 3x per week. The first is a weeknight after we're both done working. I train people until late, and she's a hairstylist that finishes late as well. Then after that we have weekends together. So all the bad eating and lack of control is happening when I am not with her. Now I knew that something had to be up with her nutrition because she really has been busting her ass with working out. However, I honestly had no idea that it was this bad. Unfortunately I can't be with her 24-7, and she has to ultimately decide to change herself. So until she does, all my advice and help just makes her feel resentment.

[losangelena]

Whoa, 60 pounds in a year is a lot. To me, as someone who gained about 25 pounds in my last relationship, that suggests a deeper reason than eating out with the boyfriend on weekends.

 

There are underlying issues here, more than what you'll be able to help her with (no offense, FF). Behavior modification is not the answer, getting to the bottom of WHY she overeats is key. This could be a long process and one that she must take on for herself. I'd recommend she check out an OA group. I'm currently reading a book called Fat and Furious that's been very helpful and illuminating.

 

Good luck to her.

[fitnessfan365]

There are underlying issues here, more than what you'll be able to help her with (no offense, FF). Behavior modification is not the answer, getting to the bottom of WHY she overeats is key.

 

Oh I completely agree with you and that's basically what I said in my first post. I don't have the empathy or understanding to truly help her. It's not something as simple as making meal plans for her. She has to deal with the emotional issues and addiction problems she has with food. But at the very least, I can change my cheat day to when I'm not with her, and then always eat healthy in her presence and avoid junk food places out. I'm trying to approach it from an addicts standpoint like drinking in front of an alcoholic.

 

But, the hardest part of me is that my sexual attraction for her has really gone down. As you know, I prefer women carrying a bit of extra weight in the right places. However, I've never been attracted to truly heavyset women. Yet if I am honest with my GF and tell her that I am losing attraction, she'll only try to lose weight for me. That won't ultimately help the problem. When she's lost weight, it's always been attached to making someone else happy.

 

That's why I've never acted like her "trainer" or a baby-sitter when it comes to exercise/nutrition. I mean I'll give fitness tips and advice from time to time on food. But until she finds that motivation inside herself, all the talking in the world won't help. I learned that early on with my dad who's a gambling addict. What finally caused him to stop is when he hit rock bottom and decided within he needed to change. Not the years and years of my mom, myself, and others telling him to.

[losangelena]

I would honestly take yourself out of the treatment equation as much as possible then, aside from what you're doing. As you say, you have a vested interest as it pertains to your attraction to her (and her health, of course), but her mental and physical wellbeing are paramount, which I know you know.

 

Has she ever been this heavy before? Or is ~190 her typical weight?

 

Not to discount RC's experience, my personal food struggles have been a bit more complicated than coming to a place of "I'm worth it." For me, it's been a process of (as you both say) coming to a realization of what drives my disordered eating, which stems from an enmeshed relationship with my mom and a fear of vulnerability and emotional intimacy with my last BF. I was comfortably cruising at about 165 until I met him, and yeah lifestyle changes contributed, but more than that it was a feeling of, "oh s**t, this person is getting too close, I need to try and literally hide myself," and on came the weight. I don't know if you GF struggles with any of that, but based on what you've written before—her having a hard time asking for help, smoking a lot of weed—I'd be willing to bet she's got some demons lurking back there somewhere (she actually sounds a lot like me, lol).

 

Again, that book has been incredibly helpful to me. Both it and my therapist have been suggesting Overeaters Anonymous for a long time, and I'm finally going to start going this month. They have member talks on their website which may resonate with your GF.

 

I'm at a place where extra food doesn't provide the comfort/pleasure it once did. When I'm at a cafe or a store, I will sometimes still order a dessert or buy candy, but I almost always immediately go, "I didn't actually want to do that, why did I do that?," and it doesn't taste good, it does nothing for me. I'm aware of my own behavior, and it's getting easier to modify because I understand better where it's coming from. I can "see" myself and make the actual choices I want in the moment. This is the goal, I believe, the ideal place where your GF wants to be. It's so much better than struggling with "willpower" and self-control, failures of which often lead to feelings of shame and often, more weight gain.

 

As for you, you've had experiences with addicts in the past, which is good, 'cause you know the drill. I guess you'll have to decide if this is something you want to wait around for and help her deal with. Could you accept her gaining another 30 pounds while she dithers about, deciding whether she wants to really change? Will you be willing to wait for the 9 months or year it will take her to lose the weight she's gained? Will you still be attracted to her if she only loses 25 of the 60 pounds? Will you be able to be patient with her if she makes an occasional "bad" food decision? All things I'm sure you're considering.

Edited March 1, 2016 by losangelena

[fitnessfan365]

Wow..that's pretty eerie actually.

 

My GF's relationship w/her mom has always been rocky. From childhood she was a big reason for my GF's problems with food. Always putting her on different diets, making her feel like crap about herself, etc.. Also, my GF has fully admitted she was scared to be vulnerable with me in the beginning stages because she was so used to being alone and handling things on her own. That's why she preferred shorter term casual relationships. So I'm guessing that a lot of it stems from problems with her mom as well as the stress of having to worry about somebody else for a change aside from just herself.

 

Then again, I am not a psychologist so I can't know for sure. But a lot of what you said about yourself sounds really close to what my GF has described.

 

My GF is considering trying a weekly weigh in group that also helps with eating and food addiction. I hope she tries it out because since she is very goal oriented and competitive, it might be what motivates her in the end.

[No_Go]

Ugh, the relationship weight gain... It is a phenomenon that I've seen every so often. I believe it is more psychological than physiological.

 

I experienced it too - in my case I started at 125, now a year later - 137 So I gained a pound for each month together, consistently. One would say it is not much, but I kept 115-125 for 7-8 years! prior to meeting him. Actually to specify: while single I was ~115. My first BF (4 years ago) 'gave' me 5-10 pounds that stuck. And now the current one - extra 12

 

One thing: I feel like your GF puts too much focus on food, eating etc. At least in my experience, the less I think about it, the less I eat.

[fitnessfan365]

Well it's also hard for her too because I'm a trainer, in such good shape, etc.. The other day she mentioned feeling bad because having an overweight GF reflects poorly on me and my business, etc.. My mind has never gone there once because I don't care what people think. However, this is the sort of pressure she puts on herself.

 

Like I said though, that weigh in was her rock bottom moment. I've never seen her this fired up about wanting to change for herself before. She's also determined to enroll in the weight loss clinic which will have weekly weigh-ins, give her specific meal plans for her blood chemistry, etc.. It's weigh more in depth than anything I could tell her.

[losangelena]

Well good for her, I hope she stays motivated! Sometimes it takes a realization, like stepping on a scale at the doctor's office, to kick ourselves in the rear. If she truly has food addiction or obsession issues, my guess is her weight will see-saw a few times before she really gets a handle on things psychologically. Like No_Go, I have the easiest time with things when I'm not thinking about food as much, or not stressed like, "OMG, I'm getting so fat!!"

 

I'm still curious to know if she's struggled in the past with her weight, or how many times she's gone up and down (if she has). For me, I used to weigh 300+ and have never, ever gotten that big again, but follow a "two steps forward, one step back" kind of pattern.

[fitnessfan365]

Well good for her, I hope she stays motivated! Sometimes it takes a realization, like stepping on a scale at the doctor's office, to kick ourselves in the rear. If she truly has food addiction or obsession issues, my guess is her weight will see-saw a few times before she really gets a handle on things psychologically. Like No_Go, I have the easiest time with things when I'm not thinking about food as much, or not stressed like, "OMG, I'm getting so fat!!"

 

I'm still curious to know if she's struggled in the past with her weight, or how many times she's gone up and down (if she has). For me, I used to weigh 300+ and have never, ever gotten that big again, but follow a "two steps forward, one step back" kind of pattern.

 

I actually told her that last night. That once she gets into the clinic and has actual meals plans, etc it will make her stop thinking about and stressing about food once she gets into a routine. She won't constantly be wondering what she should eat, etc.. That is what's the hardest part IMO. The constant stress that comes from it. But yes her weight has been a struggle for the last 20 years since she was a kid. Constant yo-yo from slim to heavy. I actually saw a picture when she weighed like 130lbs. She looked like a completely different person and I actually thinks she looks sexier filled out with curves. Her goal is to eventually get to a size 8-10, which I actually think would look perfect on her frame.

 

We're supposed to go to Maui together in seven months. So I think that's another motivation for her as well.

[No_Go]

Considering 250 is probably ranking as BMI morbidly obese and she seems to be a young otherwise healthy woman, has she though about surgery to constrict her stomach size? It is radical but if it is a problem from 20 years,... the long term health (and even psychological) benefits are probably going to out-weight the associated risks. And it could even be insurance-covered, I'm not sure about this though.

 

I actually told her that last night. That once she gets into the clinic and has actual meals plans, etc it will make her stop thinking about and stressing about food once she gets into a routine. She won't constantly be wondering what she should eat, etc.. That is what's the hardest part IMO. The constant stress that comes from it. But yes her weight has been a struggle for the last 20 years since she was a kid. Constant yo-yo from slim to heavy. I actually saw a picture when she weighed like 130lbs. She looked like a completely different person and I actually thinks she looks sexier filled out with curves. Her goal is to eventually get to a size 8-10, which I actually think would look perfect on her frame.

 

We're supposed to go to Maui together in seven months. So I think that's another motivation for her as well.

[clia]

Is she still smoking weed on the days she doesn't see you? I can't help but wonder if that is contributing to her poor eating habits during the week. I've only smoked weed a few times in my life but my biggest memory of it is that I wanted to eat everything in sight. "The munchies" are no joke! Maybe if she cut back on the weed her eating habits might naturally be better?

[fitnessfan365]

Is she still smoking weed on the days she doesn't see you? I can't help but wonder if that is contributing to her poor eating habits during the week. I've only smoked weed a few times in my life but my biggest memory of it is that I wanted to eat everything in sight. "The munchies" are no joke! Maybe if she cut back on the weed her eating habits might naturally be better?

 

She actually brought this up the other day and said that she's going to take a break from it to see if it helps. So we'll see.

[loveweary11]

It's a lifestyle change.

 

The same way you work out together, you could be eating together.

 

If only you were more serious and living together, you could do it together...

[Emilia]

Why work so hard at a relationship with someone who is clearly an addict and will continue to turn you off? If she was an alcoholic this thread wouldn't even exist. It's only been a year and you've stopped having sex already. Imagine this in two years' time. Why do this to yourself?

[fitnessfan365]

Considering 250 is probably ranking as BMI morbidly obese and she seems to be a young otherwise healthy woman, has she though about surgery to constrict her stomach size? It is radical but if it is a problem from 20 years,... the long term health (and even psychological) benefits are probably going to out-weight the associated risks. And it could even be insurance-covered, I'm not sure about this though.

 

She has the ability to lose the weight on her own as there's been various times in her life where she's been smaller. So I wouldn't bring up gastric bypass or any other procedure to her. I think she's making a good first step getting into the weight loss program with weekly weigh-ins and meal plans based on her blood work. Getting into a routine will take stress off and give her a competition that she get into.

 

It's a lifestyle change.

 

The same way you work out together, you could be eating together.

 

If only you were more serious and living together, you could do it together...

 

We're actually very serious and committed to each other. Our one year anniversary is coming up in a few months. We've discussed living together and it doesn't frighten either one of us.

 

But the main reason is financial. Studio apartments in our area rent for $2,000 a month and up. A decent two bedroom which we'd need for all of our stuff would have both of us paying at least $2k a month or more. While we both do well in our various businesses, we're not at a point yet where we can make that work. Also, before we can "do it together" she needs to deal with her own personal issues and decide to lose the weight for herself. Until she can learn to be self sufficient with the lifestyle changes, me constantly acting like her babysitter wouldn't do any good.

 

Why work so hard at a relationship with someone who is clearly an addict and will continue to turn you off? If she was an alcoholic this thread wouldn't even exist. It's only been a year and you've stopped having sex already. Imagine this in two years' time. Why do this to yourself?

 

I never said "sex has stopped". We still have sex regularly. However, it's based more on emotion for me with how I feel about her. That raw physical desire I used to feel for her where I had to tear her clothes off is what's fading. Also, she's an amazing woman that's simply had a hard life. Tough childhood with her mom killing her self esteem, bad dating experiences, etc.. So I prefer to focus on who she is as a person and all the potential she has. Sometimes you just need to have faith. Finally, in the last six years alone I had nearly 40 sexual partners. So getting sex has never been an issue. But none of the shorter term relationships ever made me happy. She does.

Edited March 1, 2016 by fitnessfan365

[Emilia]

So you've found a project and you think that will make you happy? If I remember right you are quite young. It hasn't even been a year yet and it looks to me like forcing a square peg into a round hole. I think what you are doing is building a codependent relationship with her. It's the wrong way to relate to another adult.

[Emilia]

Relationships are about the now. Not about potential. Certainly NOT about caretaking.

[loveweary11]

 

We're actually very serious and committed to each other. Our one year anniversary is coming up in a few months. We've discussed living together and it doesn't frighten either one of us.

 

But the main reason is financial. Studio apartments in our area rent for $2,000 a month and up. A decent two bedroom which we'd need for all of our stuff would have both of us paying at least $2k a month or more. While we both do well in our various businesses, we're not at a point yet where we can make that work. Also, before we can "do it together" she needs to deal with her own personal issues and decide to lose the weight for herself. Until she can learn to be self sufficient with the lifestyle changes, me constantly acting like her babysitter wouldn't do any good.

 

Ok, but it's simply changing habits.

 

Ever heard of someone having a "smoking habit?" It's a smoking addiction, just like a food addiction.

 

With the love/support of someone by your side, encouraging you and believing in you, habits can be changed.

 

You start cooking healthy meals together. You make that an activity in the relationship.

 

If she wants to do it, it would work.

 

It's a matter of habits and routines. There is no babysitting. It's a journey you take together.

[fitnessfan365]

Relationships are about the now. Not about potential. Certainly NOT about caretaking.

 

Well as I've said repeatedly, she has to do it for herself. That's why I am being as hands off as possible. So there is no "caretaking" involved. She has to get in the mindset of doing it for herself and not to make someone else happy.

 

However, I think that society as a whole has developed far too short of an attention span when it comes to relationships. No one wants to put in any work, rely on faith, or think about possibilities. It's all about instant gratification and looking for greener grass. This is exactly why the divorce rate is so high now. Maybe if we all stopped focusing on the immediate now so much, there would be more long lasting relationships.

[No_Go]

I'm sure she can lose the weight, the issue with her seems to be retaining the lower weight.

 

I'm not a fan of surgery in general, but if it can solve a problem with so many comorbidities once and forever, it may make sense...

 

But in any case, I was just giving a suggestion, you know the situation better.

 

Also, at least for me measuring myself daily and making a chart to track changes (I'd sometimes average over different window in e.g. Excel), would be more motivating than the recommended weekly weight monitoring. I just noticed the jump start motivates me, although I'm aware it's water weight primarily.

 

Another thought: she can get insights for weight loss from her TSH measurement (pretty standard, I think most PCPs ask for it yearly). If something is wrong there, the problem is not about overeating.

 

She has the ability to lose the weight on her own as there's been various times in her life where she's been smaller. So I wouldn't bring up gastric bypass or any other procedure to her. I think she's making a good first step getting into the weight loss program with weekly weigh-ins and meal plans based on her blood work. Getting into a routine will take stress off and give her a competition that she get into.

 

 

 

We're actually very serious and committed to each other. Our one year anniversary is coming up in a few months. We've discussed living together and it doesn't frighten either one of us.

 

But the main reason is financial. Studio apartments in our area rent for $2,000 a month and up. A decent two bedroom which we'd need for all of our stuff would have both of us paying at least $2k a month or more. While we both do well in our various businesses, we're not at a point yet where we can make that work. Also, before we can "do it together" she needs to deal with her own personal issues and decide to lose the weight for herself. Until she can learn to be self sufficient with the lifestyle changes, me constantly acting like her babysitter wouldn't do any good.

 

 

 

I never said "sex has stopped". We still have sex regularly. However, it's based more on emotion for me with how I feel about her. That raw physical desire I used to feel for her where I had to tear her clothes off is what's fading. Also, she's an amazing woman that's simply had a hard life. Tough childhood with her mom killing her self esteem, bad dating experiences, etc.. So I prefer to focus on who she is as a person and all the potential she has. Sometimes you just need to have faith. Finally, in the last six years alone I had nearly 40 sexual partners. So getting sex has never been an issue. But none of the shorter term relationships ever made me happy. She does.

[losangelena]

She has the ability to lose the weight on her own as there's been various times in her life where she's been smaller. So I wouldn't bring up gastric bypass or any other procedure to her. I think she's making a good first step getting into the weight loss program with weekly weigh-ins and meal plans based on her blood work. Getting into a routine will take stress off and give her a competition that she get into.

 

I don't think she needs to go the bypass route, either.

 

Although, I do absolutely think she needs to go get herself to a therapist or OA meetings concurrently with a weigh-in program.

 

I know I keep harping on this, but I cannot stress enough how vital it is to get the psychological factors sorted out for someone who's a food addict, because it's not really about the food. No amount of weigh-ins, competitions, clean eating, surgeries, exercise, willpower or discipline will cure food obsession.

 

Let me tell you the last few years of my story.

 

Five years ago I weighed 220 pounds. I just always assumed that, having been so huge for so many years earlier, that my weight was just not going to go any lower. Then I developed a panic disorder, and without any real trying on my part, my weight dropped to 190 (extreme stress can do that). Once I got treatment for my anxiety, I weened myself off the Xanax I'd been taking for eight months. In another nine months or so, by September 2012, my weight had gone back up to 215!

 

I was devastated, and on a mission. I enlisted the help of a nutritionist, I started drinking smoothies, I cut out gluten and diary, I worked out five times a week. In a year, I was down to 165 and felt great, but I was just as obsessed with food as ever, if not more so. Suddenly, I wasn't just eating. Every bite I took (even if it was a bite of kale and quinoa) could potentially endanger all the work I'd done. Yes, I was 40 pounds lighter and looked great and had amazing cardiovascular stamina and was going out on dates left and right, but I was also, in some ways, really miserable. I couldn't relax and enjoy myself. I remember my mom came to town one weekend to visit, and the whole time I was so preoccupied by the two or three pounds I was SURE I'd gained because I wasn't able to be as strict with my food and workouts while she was here. And I wasn't really any happier about my body. All I could see were the 15 pounds I still wanted to lose and how imperfect things still were.

 

By June of 2014, I had grown tired of the smoothies and the restrictive eating. I started a casual sex relationship with a coke- and Aderall-addicted drug dealer. The sex was great, and he really appreciated my body, but by the time I met my now-ex, in September of that year, things with him were fading fast. I remember lamenting to my roommates that I really wasn't looking forward to advancing things with my ex (a skinny guy, 30 pounds lighter than me, looking to bulk up), in big part because I just didn't want to have to go through the process of getting naked for yet another guy. But what I really didn't want to do was get emotionally naked.

 

But we continued dating anyway, and yeah happy relationship weight gain was a thing, but for me, adding on a layer of new fat was a way of keeping him at a safe distance. My lifestyle with him was different, but there was still plenty of free time to go workout, but I chose not to. I really hated what I was doing, but wanting to feel "safe" superseded any amount of willpower I could muster. I could tell I was gaining weight, and I'm sure he could, too, even though he never said anything.

 

Anyway, three months after we broke up, I found myself still with 25 extra pounds on my frame, going, "what is happening?" I tried to get back into the smoothies and HIIT workout routine that I'd loved so much when I was single. But I'd go a few days and then fall off the wagon. I was obsessed with eating, with not eating, with how many calories I was burning, and was worried about food all the time.

 

Eventually I said to myself, "look, willpower is not the problem. You used to weigh over 300 pounds, you know how to lose weight. Why don't you want to right now? Why do you want to be fat? Why are you fat, what is it doing for you?"

 

It was through asking those questions that I've been able to unravel (slowly) what is truly underlying the weight cycling. Through weekly therapy, through reading Fat and Furious, though getting in touch with my anger, through OA, I've been able to start touching bottom, so to speak—not "hitting rock bottom," but getting to the root of what is driving my impulse towards disordered eating and food obsession. It's only been a couple of months, but I feel so much less crazy. I am less haunted by food, I feel more free to not binge on sweets or rely on emotional eating, I more often eat only when I'm hungry and not when I'm bored or stressed or lonely, etc. And yes, I've even started to slowly lose the weight again, but it's not coming from a place of fear, of "oh sh**, I cannot gain weight," but from a place of truly understanding myself and why I act the way I do. I feel like I have a long way to go still, both in learning to eat differently and how to handle my life without the crutch of food, but this a much more healthy place than any other past weight loss attempt.

 

This last paragraph is where, ideally, your GF will land. But she cannot get there through meal plans and weigh-ins alone—those will fail her if she does not get insight into her inner workings, why she's fat, and what it's doing for her.

 

Is she seeing a therapist? Is she open to doing so? What about OA meetings in your area? It is crucial she not neglect this aspect.

[whichwayisup]

Well it's also hard for her too because I'm a trainer, in such good shape, etc.. The other day she mentioned feeling bad because having an overweight GF reflects poorly on me and my business, etc.. My mind has never gone there once because I don't care what people think. However, this is the sort of pressure she puts on herself.

 

Of course she feels that way...You are after her to lose weight, not sure how often it comes up in conversation or who brings it up first but she is taking it to heart and feels she's not good enough for you.

all my advice and help just makes her feel resentment.

 

Then stop giving her advice and stop helping her. Let her come to you if she needs help. You can suggest (ONCE) that she seeks counseling to help her with any possible issues that she may have that's affecting her food habits and weight gain...After that, stay away from the subject of her weight and eating habits. She will do something about it when she feels ready...the more you push the more she will turn to food and ignore your advice, making her resent you more and more.

[AMJ]

 

I never said "sex has stopped". We still have sex regularly. However, it's based more on emotion for me with how I feel about her. That raw physical desire I used to feel for her where I had to tear her clothes off is what's fading. Also, she's an amazing woman that's simply had a hard life. Tough childhood with her mom killing her self esteem, bad dating experiences, etc.. So I prefer to focus on who she is as a person and all the potential she has. Sometimes you just need to have faith. Finally, in the last six years alone I had nearly 40 sexual partners. So getting sex has never been an issue. But none of the shorter term relationships ever made me happy. She does.

 

This is the sweetest thing I've heard in a very long time. I have faith in love and good people again. She's a lucky lady.

 

This may be a dumb question, but has she had blood tests for thyroid or hormonal imbalances? Or a food allergy test?

 

I think I read once that marijuana is stored in fat cells therefore makes people gain weight. Though I know lots of skinny people who smoke, so who knows.

 

I don't see anything wrong with him trying to support/encourage her goals to lose weight.