lora_parris Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 -COLLECTED- Okay, I've now browsed quite a bit of this forum, somewhat learned the lay of the land and feel like this is where I probably fit in best, so I'll do another introduction. I've been married for nearly 25 years to a very high functioning alcoholic - he's been at the same job for longer than we've been married and his well respected there. He's never been arrested, wrecked a car, has no financial problems or any of the other usual pitfalls that typically befall an alcoholic. It's just that if he's not at work or asleep, he has a drink in his hand and WILL go to bed drunk, day or night. He even brings his beer into the shower! I've threatened to leave many times in the past, and he's been to rehab twice, both failed, obviously. I've done Al Anon, individual counseling, etc. Professionals have told me over and over that I should leave. Why haven't I? I needed help with the kids, for one, and in spite of it all he IS a good father. Besides, they're all pretty much grown now, so that ship has sailed. Another reason? He's a good person, beneath it all, and I have terrible guilt about 'bailing' on him. He helps around the house and in many ways is an ideal husband, probably a better spouse than I am since I've given up trying over the past few years. I promised myself long ago that I'd leave once the kids were independent, and have only been marking time for the past few years. This has had an unexpected result. Once I stopped asking him to conduct himself a certain way, stopped hoping for normal companionship, etc., he's never been happier and there are no more fights! He takes my silence as meaning that things are fine and I feel terrible knowing he'll be blindsided when I tell him I want a divorce. Heck, at times I've fooled myself into believing that our marriage is okay... until I see the affection and friendship between other couples and could cry with envy. I've made an appointment to see a counselor (alone, he swore he'd never see a marriage counselor and I'm not about to try again at theis point). I'm hoping to find the courage to do what I know I need to do, and looking forward to some new perspectives. Thanks for reading. Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeful30 Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 I understand exactly where you are coming from. My mom is an alcoholic and I was abused pretty bad as a kid. What is hardest to accept is that no matter how good of people they are, they are still alcoholics. They can be functioning, great parents and loving people...but they still have a drinking problem. I know this might be painful, but leaving him just might be best. Sometimes you need to hit rock bottom before you can realize how much you have sacrificed for your addiction. And by leaving him you arent abandoning him either, but showing him how much its affecting you. You need to love yourself as well, and your husband needs to see how much you are willing to do to be away from how his problem hurts you. Love yourself, be kind to yourself and try to realize that its okay to walk away. Is healthy detachment. You have been supportive for all these years, now do something for YOU. Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 It sounds like you just need some encouragement, because you've already made your decision: you plan to divorce your husband. As you've said, your children are adults and out of the house, and you've tried to leave him in the past and taken all the steps most people would take, (except for leaving your husband). I think it is hard to break a pattern, especially a 25 year old pattern that is your dysfunctional marriage to your alcoholic husband. Your marriage isn't ok. It hasn't been ok for 25 years has it, if you finally want to divorce your husband now. Somehow, you need to find the courage to divorce your husband and not look back. Time to take your life back into your own hands. Your children will understand. They probably were well aware of your husband's alcoholism as children so they won't be surprised to hear that you are divorcing their father now. Finally. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 sounds like he has chosen to remain hidden inside the bottle. Twice to rehab, and his disease still wins. You've given your best . Get legal counsel started and be prepared to establish yourself . you've no doubt been the solid one in keeping the family together. He is not the disease. Prayers to him in his health improving. Prayers to you in moving on with your life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 -COLLECTED- Okay, I've now browsed quite a bit of this forum, somewhat learned the lay of the land and feel like this is where I probably fit in best, so I'll do another introduction. I've been married for nearly 25 years to a very high functioning alcoholic - he's been at the same job for longer than we've been married and his well respected there. He's never been arrested, wrecked a car, has no financial problems or any of the other usual pitfalls that typically befall an alcoholic. It's just that if he's not at work or asleep, he has a drink in his hand and WILL go to bed drunk, day or night. He even brings his beer into the shower! I've threatened to leave many times in the past, and he's been to rehab twice, both failed, obviously. I've done Al Anon, individual counseling, etc. Professionals have told me over and over that I should leave. Why haven't I? I needed help with the kids, for one, and in spite of it all he IS a good father. Besides, they're all pretty much grown now, so that ship has sailed. Another reason? He's a good person, beneath it all, and I have terrible guilt about 'bailing' on him. He helps around the house and in many ways is an ideal husband, probably a better spouse than I am since I've given up trying over the past few years. I promised myself long ago that I'd leave once the kids were independent, and have only been marking time for the past few years. This has had an unexpected result. Once I stopped asking him to conduct himself a certain way, stopped hoping for normal companionship, etc., he's never been happier and there are no more fights! He takes my silence as meaning that things are fine and I feel terrible knowing he'll be blindsided when I tell him I want a divorce. Heck, at times I've fooled myself into believing that our marriage is okay... until I see the affection and friendship between other couples and could cry with envy. I've made an appointment to see a counselor (alone, he swore he'd never see a marriage counselor and I'm not about to try again at theis point). I'm hoping to find the courage to do what I know I need to do, and looking forward to some new perspectives. Thanks for reading. Deep down you are writing here and saying you are looking for some new perspectives, when in fact, you are hoping someone will tell you how to make this work instead of moving on. You know what you need to do. Go ahead and do it. Do it for yourself and, more importantly, for your CHILDREN. He will likely continue to be a good father to them even if you divorce. "He takes my silence as meaning that things are fine and I feel terrible knowing he'll be blindsided when I tell him I want a divorce." He will not be blindsided -- "I've threatened to leave many times in the past, and he's been to rehab twice, both failed, obviously. I've done Al Anon, individual counseling, etc. Professionals have told me over and over that I should leave. Why haven't I?" 5 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 I think this may be in the wrong forum. You're not dating... If you intend to divorce - why don't you? You don't know the "real version of him" if he's always altered. You can't change it for him - it's up to him. You can change things for YOURSELF. And if this makes you unhappy living day to day with him being altered - then I don't blame you. Life is too short! I hope you will do what's best for yourself. Do what makes you happy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 I understand that he drinks, but he's a good father, good person, he does his part around the house, has kept his job for decades and is respected, no car accidents or other disruptions... I'm not offering an opinion here, but I am wondering, what exactly is the problem in your marriage? Or maybe more to the point, how is his drinking a problem for you? I have people like this in my family. My father was similar. Aside from a DUI or two, his drinking really never led to any major problems. He was irritating when he had been drinking. Ultimately he had to give it up. All of them have, I guess. Their bodies started reacting badly to the beer, and now they don't drink so much. Not sure about the long-term effects on their health. These functional alcoholic types... I wonder if drinking is a habit, like comfort food. Maybe not so much of an addiction, just a habit that is encouraged because it's a part of the routine in a life that doesn't change much from year to year. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeful30 Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 You don't know the "real version of him" if he's always altered. This is such a powerful statement. Exactly this. You might not even know who he is. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeful30 Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 These functional alcoholic types... I wonder if drinking is a habit, like comfort food. Maybe not so much of an addiction, just a habit that is encouraged because it's a part of the routine in a life that doesn't change much from year to year. Its still dependence. How do we know he would be a good father sober? He needs alcohol to function, hence why hes a functioning alcoholic. Thats not okay. And its more than a habit if professional help couldnt get him to kick it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 You don't know the "real version of him" if he's always altered. This is such a powerful statement. Exactly this. You might not even know who he is. If he was 100% constantly drunk, then yes, this could be true. I'm sure after 25 years, she knows who he is. Maybe she doesn't see as much of the sober side of him as she'd like, but I'd be surprised if he actually isn't around much of the time. I'm sure it would be nice if he found another way to fill his time. I think this kind of behavior is the result of his not having much else interesting going on. Something along the lines of what the devil does with idle hands or idle minds. Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeful30 Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 If he was 100% constantly drunk, then yes, this could be true. I'm sure after 25 years, she knows who he is. Maybe she doesn't see as much of the sober side of him as she'd like, but I'd be surprised if he actually isn't around much of the time. I'm sure it would be nice if he found another way to fill his time. I think this kind of behavior is the result of his not having much else interesting going on. Something along the lines of what the devil does with idle hands or idle minds. Regardless his reasons, he hasnt stopped despite how painful it is for his wife. What does that tell you? Either he doesnt care about how his wife feels, or its incredibly difficult for him to stop, both of which are reason enough to question the marriage. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 Its still dependence. How do we know he would be a good father sober? He needs alcohol to function, hence why hes a functioning alcoholic. Thats not okay. And its more than a habit if professional help couldnt get him to kick it. No argument from me. But I think there is a difference between addiction to substance and addiction to habit. At least when you're looking for solutions. Ultimately, it's an unhealthy aspect of his personality either way. It shouldn't be ignored that on top of it all he stayed married for 25 years. However bad this guy is, it's obvious there are worse. He has a pretty good record, compared to the prototypical alcoholic. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Hopeful30 Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 No argument from me. But I think there is a difference between addiction to substance and addiction to habit. At least when you're looking for solutions. Ultimately, it's an unhealthy aspect of his personality either way. It shouldn't be ignored that on top of it all he stayed married for 25 years. However bad this guy is, it's obvious there are worse. He has a pretty good record, compared to the prototypical alcoholic. Thats a quick judgement. We dont know how the wife is or what she has tolerated. Link to post Share on other sites
johan Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 Thats a quick judgement. We dont know how the wife is or what she has tolerated. Hence my original question. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted March 22, 2015 Share Posted March 22, 2015 If he was 100% constantly drunk, then yes, this could be true. I'm sure after 25 years, she knows who he is. Maybe she doesn't see as much of the sober side of him as she'd like, but I'd be surprised if he actually isn't around much of the time. I'm sure it would be nice if he found another way to fill his time. I think this kind of behavior is the result of his not having much else interesting going on. Something along the lines of what the devil does with idle hands or idle minds. Not necessarily true. Someone who drinks this way has underlying issues/anger/resentments they haven't addressed. And it's useful to know why that person needs to get numb to cover that pain. And if he's not planning to get sober and face his anger - she's mainly left with living with an angry guy who covers up his pain and gets drunk. But some never face their fears - some never get well. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted March 27, 2015 Share Posted March 27, 2015 I don't about that. I've known plenty of generally happy or at least not angry drunks. For some it's genetic. For some it's a way to relax and wind down. What starts as having some drinks for fun or relaxation means more drinks = more fun/relaxation. If you're prone to the addiction this turns into a habit. Which over time turns into a psychological addiction then a physical one. Then over time that starts to addle your emotions as you are always either hungover/craving or normal with a few drinks to intoxicated. Then the ability to control emotions gets weak and you see the anger or sadness in extremes. Especially when they realize how weak they are to the drink and start the self loathing. ..and this is only one path, there's no one size fits all for addicts. Some do start off to cover pain .. some don't 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Emerald_11 Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 My husband is also a functioning alcoholic. He works & makes pretty good money. But when he is done at work the first thing he does is crack open a beer. He will even have a beer right after breakfast if he doesn't have to work that day! Unlike your husband though my husband has got into drinking related trouble quite a few times. My husband really didn't drink that much when we were dating & when we got married but sort of escalated over time....Is that how it happened with your husband? It does become a sort of habit they fall into I think.... It is hard being married to someone who drinks everyday. Drinking or drugs does alter a persons personality a bit. I think it makes my husband lack the ability to really care. What behavior do you have issues with when your husband drinks? I completely understand you staying silent to keep peace. When I don't voice my opinions my husband thinks everything is just fine also....It can be so emotionally draining to make it an issue every time. Sometimes just going with the flow makes it easier to have a happy day. --but then sometimes when I think about it I wonder if it was really that happy? just because we didn't fight??..... I too suffer from envy of other peoples relationships and wish my husband could treat me nice or surprise me sometimes like I see some of my friends spouses doing for them. I tried to show him how I wanted to be treated by doing nice things for him on holidays & his birthday like gifts, dinner reservations....etc...but after years of him never returning the favor & lame excuses of why he didn't get me a birthday gift I don't know if I can bear the disappointment again. We are going to start counseling soon & I hope it helps. Sounds like you have already been there done that & didn't get the desired results. It is hard to make major life changes & does take courage but it is your life & you deserve to be happy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
veggirl Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 I hope this doesn't sound rude but man he must have a big beer guy from drinking so much for so long 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Auspecial Posted March 28, 2015 Share Posted March 28, 2015 Not necessarily true. Someone who drinks this way has underlying issues/anger/resentments they haven't addressed. And it's useful to know why that person needs to get numb to cover that pain. And if he's not planning to get sober and face his anger - she's mainly left with living with an angry guy who covers up his pain and gets drunk. But some never face their fears - some never get well. He doesn't necessarily have deep dark things to cover up, he could have just slipped into this habit and now its a physical dependence that has a life all its own within him. OP says he takes a shower with a beer. To me, that means he has a full on physical dependence and would likely have a very bad withdrawal. He would have to cut down before actually stopping. Link to post Share on other sites
LifeNomad Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 i agree about the physical dependence. I used to take beer into shower too Link to post Share on other sites
MyEvilTwin Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 Daily chemical lobotomy and checked out of reality is not ok for the spouse. Apparently though, it is ok for him. Incompatible. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted April 3, 2015 Share Posted April 3, 2015 read my signature below 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Dork Vader Posted April 15, 2015 Share Posted April 15, 2015 well the alcoholism is not going too change until he feels he has a problem and he wants to give up drinking. That is called hitting bottom and it could very well never happen. From what I can gather in your post it does not sound like you want a divorce. It sounds like you want some changes in your husband. It sounds like you want intimacy and affection from your husband. It does sound like you've attempted to achieve these changes but have been unable to get this man on board. I think you'll find it is more difficult to get another perfect husband then you realize. For the most part you make this guy sound fairly awesome aside from the drinking and lack of intimacy/affection you desire. Perhaps it is going to take something more formal then verbal threats for this man to pull his head out of his bum. I would try a separation first. Just move out and get your own place. That might make him take a hard long look at life. Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted May 20, 2015 Share Posted May 20, 2015 (edited) I've been through this also, with an alcoholic wife. I fought it for some 20 years unsuccessfully. I also fought it with her dad years ago, unsuccessfully. I'm convinced that they won't quit unless they admit the problem and want to quit. I got mine that far, and went to a 6 week treatment that I thought would work... it was expen$ive, but I would have spent anything for a solution. After several months, she was back at it. Not sure where I failed her, but I may have been more successful had I given her a LOT more encouragement, and totally laid off the threats and negative comments (that just don't work). I did work hard at it, but just couldn't make it work. The last three years which included separation and divorce, we were totally emotionally disconnected. I just flat gave up, and saw no future, but still cared for her a lot, and she did me. Splitting up went fairly well, and we didn't fight, but it was very emotionally difficult for both of us. She quit drinking about when I left, and has been sober since. I thought I would never be back together with my wife, but into her second year of being sober, we reconnected and are now back together, better than ever. It WILL still take effort and we have both put forth a better effort, better communication and close attention to our "language of love". (See 5LanguagesofLove.com). I've been reading the 5 Languages of Love book to her in the mornings.... very quality time together. We are doing more together, little things to big things. So... life brings about a lot of changes, and sometimes you never know. Edited May 20, 2015 by OldRover 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted May 22, 2015 Share Posted May 22, 2015 No argument from me. But I think there is a difference between addiction to substance and addiction to habit. At least when you're looking for solutions. Ultimately, it's an unhealthy aspect of his personality either way. It shouldn't be ignored that on top of it all he stayed married for 25 years. However bad this guy is, it's obvious there are worse. He has a pretty good record, compared to the prototypical alcoholic. Well the OP hasn't come back to tell us how her husband's drinking affects her but as someone who spent many years with a high functioning alcoholic the problem for me was the emotional distance and disconnection. My ex was also liked by many people, everyone thought he was great guy, but they weren't trying to have an emotionally fulfilling relationship with him. I was starved for intimacy and affection and longed for a partner who wasn't emotionally stunted due to being drunk everyday. It's easy to love an alcoholic when you are just friends or distant relatives, because those people won't be looking to the alcoholic to meet their emotional and intellectual needs the way a spouse would 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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